I Don't Want to Lose You

  “Oh, no,” he quickly said.

  “Then why are you shaking your head so much?”

  He sighed. “I keep going back in my mind to before we got married trying to figure out at what moment you thought that I deserved you. I don’t know what I did. And just when I think maybe I found it, I guess I’ve been shaking my head because that couldn’t have been it.”

  I walked over to him, kissed his tattoo, wrapped my arms around his waist and put my head on his shoulder and said, “You were just you and that did it. Don’t hurt your brain over it.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE

  I walked into the house with yelling going on in the kitchen, mostly by Mrs. Cabrera.

  “You’re not using your brain, Teodoro. This trip can wait. We’re talking about your life.”

  “Will you stop it already?” Theo yelled back. “It’s my life and I made my decision and you can’t make me change my mind,” he said firmly. “Get off my back.”

  “Teodoro,” I said forcefully, “don’t talk to her like that.”

  “You don’t even know what we’re talking about,” he yelled back at me.

  “I don’t have to. Don’t do that and don’t yell at me,” I said.

  “Why don’t you go tell your wife what’s going on so she can talk some sense into you since you won’t listen to me?” Mrs. Cabrera said.

  I followed him to our room and he slammed the door closed behind me, which caused me to jump. I had never seen him so angry, not even when dealing with Rosalind in high school. He stood in the middle of the room with his wrath almost ready to boil over and fist clenched. It looked as if he was trying to find something to hit or throw.

  “Theo, what’s going on?” I asked him as I walked to him and put my arms around his waist and hugged him, hoping the love coming from me would make his anger dissipate. I stayed like that until I could hear his heartbeat slow down. I knew he had gone to the doctor that morning after having some tests done a few weeks before. Just from the way he was acting and the little bit of the argument that I heard, I knew the news wasn’t good. I put my hand on his cheek and gently kissed his lips.

  He could barely speak. “I don’t want to tell you this.” I could see his Adam’s apple moving.

  “I already know, don’t I?” I asked.

  He nodded. “They want me to start chemotherapy again next week. I told them it will have to wait until the week after.”

  I put two and two together. I was planning to use a bit of the money my father gave me to take his whole family to San Diego for a weekend as a belated anniversary gift to his parents and to get him to Sea World. The trip was scheduled for the following weekend.

  “If it’s there, it’s still going to be there when we come back,” he said.

  “The point is to attack it to try to slow it down,” I said. “Isn’t it possible that you might be worse before then?”

  “Anything’s possible and I’m willing to take that chance.”

  “Just so that I’m clear, anything that you can do to try to extend your life you are unwilling to do until this trip is over?”

  “Yep,” he nodded. “That’s just how much it means to me to go.” He sounded like a stubborn, little kid.

  “And nothing I can say will change that?”

  “I love you,” he said, “but no. I don’t want to start it and then go to San Diego and not have enough energy to enjoy myself.”

  I shook my head. “You’re so stubborn.” I dug in my purse for the information for the hotel reservation. I called the hotel and asked them if they had availability for the coming weekend and they did. I switched the dates. The whole time he just sat and stared at me while smiling.

  “This is why I think you’ll be a great first lady for the state. Your brain works so fast to find a solution to problems,” he said excitedly. “You’re so amazing. Maybe you should be the politician.”

  “I’m glad you’re a fan,” I said sarcastically. “Now go apologize to your mom and tell her about the change in plans. I hope it doesn’t mess with her work schedule. And call your doctor to get yourself scheduled for your therapy.”

  As he left to go into the kitchen, all I could hear in my head was the ticking sound of a clock. We were already near the end of February.

  That Friday evening after Mr. Cabrera got home from work, we drove two cars down to San Diego. Manny rode with me and Theo. That evening we went to an Italian restaurant for dinner and headed back to our two rooms at the hotel. Manny wanted to sleep in the room with us that night and, after he got ready for bed in his parents’ room, he came over to ours.

  Watching the interaction between the two of them showed me how different their relationship was in comparison to mine with my sister. My sister and I could continuously find something to talk about and it could go on for quite some time before there was actual silence. Theo and Manny talked for a few minutes about how excited they were to go to Sea World and what they wanted to see. When they were done, Theo turned to a channel that was showing some action figure movie like Batman or something. They sat next to each other and watched it in silence. My sister and I could never do that. We would be commenting on how the outfit looked on the hero or what super power we wished we had. Silence would be the last alternative and it would take a long time to get there because there were other channels to turn to. That night Manny had the misfortune of falling asleep to the sounds of us taking turns reading War and Peace.

  The next morning we all went down for complimentary breakfast and then headed over to Sea World. I wasn’t in the mood that day for being there but I didn’t want to be a grouch, so I put myself on camera duty. If someone said, “Look at that,” I followed the direction of the finger and clicked. I was trying to keep the camera in front of me to block my face and the internal disinterest. I was there for Theo. I was not there for my enjoyment. With all that I had running through my mind, it made it hard for me to keep smiling or laughing when I heard someone else laugh so that I could pretend that I was paying attention.

  Two days before I went to my doctor unbeknownst to my husband. I had decided I had enough of the pill. I didn’t like how I was feeling about my body being on it and I had enough distractions and was having a hard time remembering to take it like I should. My intention was to get an intrauterine device put in. My doctor had me take a urine test before she proceeded and came back in the room with the results.

  “You don’t need an IUD. You don’t even need the pills anymore. You’re pregnant,” she said.

  I nearly passed out. That was the last thing I needed. I had a husband that I expected to lose soon and now a baby was coming. I felt overwhelmed to say the least.

  After Sea World, Theo and I took Manny to an all you can eat buffet restaurant while his parents went to have a romantic dinner. We went back to the room and, after they bathed and were ready for bed, I took a very long bubble bath. I couldn’t remember the last time that I had done that but I knew I had been living in my parents’ home when it happened. Normally I would take a quick five to ten minute shower and I was out, so it wasn’t surprising when Theo kept knocking on the door every ten minutes to check on me. I wanted to be in the tub alone, just me with my thoughts; however the reality was quite the opposite. I was officially in a funk.

  The next morning we ate breakfast at the hotel before checking out and drove back home with Manny this time in the car with his parents. Before I could pull out of the parking spot, Theo grabbed my hand and kissed it.

  “Ma cherie,” he started, “thank you. I had a lot of fun and I know Manny will never forget this. Thank you for bringing my parents. I just can’t thank you enough.”

  I faked a smile. “You’re welcomed. I’m glad that you enjoyed yourself.”

  “I did. But did you?”

  I put a puzzled look on my face to pretend as though I didn’t know what he was talking about. I began to get mad at myself for not doing a better job of acting normal. “Yes, of course,” I answered.

&nb
sp; “Really? Because you seemed distracted and quiet. Are you okay? Did I do something?”

  I wanted to say, “Yes, you did something and that’s why I have your spawn growing inside of me.” I thought better of it and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I enjoyed myself. I’m just tired, love. You didn’t do anything.”

  I drove back home while he read his book to himself. Before I could walk to the front door he stood in front of me. “You haven’t said a word to me in two hours. Not one word,” he said. “You didn’t even turn on the radio or sing or anything other than drive. What’s wrong?”

  I shook my head. “I’m tired. It was a lot of driving and last week was a long week. I need to rest, that’s all.”

  I wished that truly was all.

  CHAPTER THIRTY SIX

  It had been so difficult to watch Theo try to handle the chemotherapy. His mother would take him on the days that I had to work. I was able to change my work schedule to cut my hours and work until the early afternoon so that when he came home from his appointments, his mother could rest and I could take over from there.

  It was like clockwork. Two days after doing chemo the side effects would set in, mainly vomiting. I kept a bucket next to him to do it in; sometimes he made it and other times I was cleaning the bucket out and there was nothing for him to do it in. Needless to say, I did quite a bit of cleaning and smelled of my new perfume, disinfectant.

  Sometimes he would refuse to eat and I wouldn’t fight him on it. Other times I could sweet talk him into putting something in his mouth. I did a lot of the cooking at that time since I knew Mrs. Cabrera’s emotional drainage was affecting her physically.

  “Why don’t you make burritos or tacos?” Theo asked me one day in between chemo appointments when he was feeling good.

  “Because I’m not so stupid as to offend your mother,” I answered.

  He looked confused. “What do you mean?”

  “You don’t tell Chef Boyardee that you’re going to go into his kitchen to make ravioli. You don’t tell Aunt Jemima that you’re going to show her how pancakes should really be made. And you definitely don’t go into a Mexican woman’s house and show her how you think tacos and burritos should be done. I’m not an idiot. I’m trying to stay on her good side.”

  “Hmm. I never thought about it like that, but I would like to see how yours taste,” he said.

  “Well then get better, get a job, get us out of here and get me my own kitchen and I will.”

  He smiled.

  “What?” I asked him.

  “I missed you.”

  “What are you talking about? I’ve been here everyday.” I didn’t know how he could say that unless he was in a state of delirium.

  “You haven’t really been talking to me ever since San Diego. You’ve been taking care of me, but not talking to me. You’ve been reading to me, not talking.”

  I, again, failed to disguise that I had issues. I was doing the best that I could to not make him feel as though I wasn’t totally there for him. It was official. I stunk as an actress. I could rule out getting any Oscar nominations. “I’m sorry, Theo. I didn’t mean to make you feel neglected.”

  He shook his head. “I don’t feel neglected. You take good care of me. I feel shut out. And maybe it’s my fault.” He stopped for a long pause. “Maybe it was selfish of me to ask you to marry me and take on all of this.”

  “How could you even think that? Don’t you know that you saved me from possibly ruining my life? I wouldn’t take back being your wife for anything.” I sighed due to being overwhelmed with emotions. “I had an idea of what I was getting into and I’d do it all again.”

  He nodded. “Okay, then why are you pulling away from me? You’re holding yourself back from me. I know you, babe. Something is going on.”

  It was time for me to make a decision. I either had to tell him and make him feel better, which could also make me feel better. Or I could keep up with this bad acting job and say my infamous line, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I bit my lower lip and looked around at everything but him. Finally, I turned to look at him and could see from his neck that he was nervous.

  I took a deep breath. “I’m having a baby,” I said quietly mumbling.

  From the wave of different facial expressions that crossed his face, I could tell he was having a variety of emotions. “How?” he asked. “I thought you were on the pill.”

  I looked at the floor as I hated knowing that, here again, was another failure that I had to come clean about. “I know, but I wasn’t really good about taking them like I should have been. I went to the doctor to get another form of birth control and that’s when I found out.”

  “This is great. Why would you not tell me this?”

  “Because I’m not sure what I’m going to do about it.”

  He looked confused. “What do you mean? You have the baby and we raise our kid.”

  “Really, Theo? We’ll raise it?” There was so much I wanted to add to that, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I just closed my eyes and cried while letting each tear take a piece of my anger. “I’m sorry.”

  He grabbed my hand and kissed it. “Don’t be.” He grabbed a tissue and cleaned my face. “I’m glad you told me. I’m really excited. I feel like I have even more reason to fight.” He caressed my cheek. “As the father and your husband, I’d like you to keep it. I know it won’t be easy. But it would be nice to know that a piece of me is still here even if I’m not.”

  I think I might have misled him into thinking I had thoughts of getting rid of it. That wasn’t the case. My thoughts were on how I was going to take care of it. “Theo,” I said before taking a deep sigh, “I don’t want to not have it. It’s a piece of both of us. I’m just scared.”

  He kissed my forehead. “Then while I’m here, let me be here for you two.”

  I nodded and took a deep breath. I felt better for letting him know but it still didn’t change anything.

  He suddenly cocked his head to the side and pondered for a moment. He said, “I guess I can cross this off of the list.”

  In my head I ran down what was left on the list. “I don’t remember seeing have a kid on there.”

  “It wasn’t, but what more of an awesome thing can I do with my wife?” he asked. “I want to go with you to all of your appointments, even if I’m not feeling good so don’t try to hide the dates and times from me.”

  “Okay, if that’s what you want.”

  “What I really want is to tell everybody.”

  Fear instantly struck me. “No, you can’t do that. You’re not supposed to tell people until about three months because I can lose it.”

  He looked disappointed. “I don’t know if I can hold out that long.”

  I thought to myself how much of an understatement that was.

  CHAPTER THIRTY SEVEN

  I took the day off from work to take him to have some tests done in the morning to see if the chemotherapy helped him any. We stopped to get him something to eat but I didn’t order anything, for I was too nervous, so I just picked off of his plate and drank lemonade. We were on our way to my first obstetrics appointment. We got to hear the baby’s heart beat, which made Theo put a big grin on his face since the doctor said that it was strong. I was prescribed prenatal pills and it was estimated that I was seven weeks along.

  As we walked back to the car we discussed the due date and he expressed how he hoped that the baby would be born on his birthday, September 26th. On the way home we were listening to the radio. When I heard the first note, I knew what song was coming on and I quickly pulled into the next parking lot, rolled down the windows, turned the volume up and got out of the car. I walked around over to him and told him to get out and dance with me. I didn’t care who was watching or what they thought. The song, “For You” by Kenny Lattimore, was how I was feeling at that moment about my husband. I sang along with it when I wasn’t giving him tender kisses.

  We got back
into the car and he said, “That was a nice song.”

  I smiled and drove us home as it occurred to me that we just had our first dance after getting married.

  CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT

  The chemotherapy hadn’t helped much to make any significant improvements and so radiation was started. While he didn’t always feel up to eating, he did. He slept more to recover and it sometimes made it hard to stick to the schedule he had for taking his medication.

  He had just finished playing music in the garage with his friends for a little while when he came in, realizing he hadn’t taken his medicine. They had decided to take a break and were watching television in the living room while eating a cake that I had made. I was already in the bedroom and told him to wash his hands and get some water and I would bring him his pills. I went over to his nightstand and opened the drawer. I pulled out his container that had his pills separated by days and morning, afternoon and evening when I noticed there was a picture next to it. I had never gone into his drawer before to know that the picture that I had demanded in our senior year was in there. I picked it up and looked closer at it.

  There I was with his arms wrapped around my waist and my arms over his with his lips pressed against my cheek. There was a smile on my face, making it look as though I had enjoyed it, but the truth was it hadn’t registered that he was kissing me. I stared at his profile, remembering the feel of his hair and running my fingers through it. Recalling the many conversations we had over the different hair products that he could try to get his hair to stay the way he wanted. Remembering the hair on his face and the feel of it on my fingers. That young man had a bright outlook upon his life and his future and this, this medicine I had in my hand, was not a part of the plan.

  I put the picture back and wiped my eyes. I got his pills out of the container and put it back into the drawer. I was about to get up and take the pills to him but the river began to flow from my eyes and I stayed put because I didn’t want him to see me that way.