I loved him so much and had for so long that I was regretting things that I couldn’t go back and change. I had figured he had liked me back in our sophomore year in high school but I was no longer making assumptions about the feelings of boys towards me at that point. I took the position of feigning ignorance until the fact was stated. I had wished he had said something then I could have had more time to be with him and truly be his instead of just having a mock relationship with him in our senior year.
I opened the drawer again, took the picture out and stared at it. It would have been a lie to say that I didn’t have that moment replay in my mind since it happened. How many times I had wished he would have kissed my lips rather than my cheek. How I wished he would have said something to me to let me know he wanted me then. I wished I knew something of the plan he and Ralph had schemed while walking behind me before the picture was taken so that I could have turned my head at the same time and kissed him back. But it was no use crying over spilled milk. Another moment in my life I couldn’t change.
I put the picture back and grabbed a tissue to dab my eyes. As I went to get up I heard the door close and turned around to see him standing there just staring at me. Inside I had hoped he hadn’t been watching me. I walked over to him and opened my hand for him to take the pills. He did so one by one, swallowing them down with the bottle of water in his hand. When he was done, he lifted my chin up and stared into my eyes and there was no hiding that I had cried. He kissed my forehead and then both of my cheeks.
He led me over to the bed and sat me down on my side of the bed then he went over to sit on his side. He fixed the pillows so that we could be propped up on them. We sat back and he put his arm around me while my head was on his shoulder. He reached for my hand and kissed it. We sat there soaking in each other’s affection in peace until Edgar knocked on the door to say they were leaving. We maintained our silence and waved goodbye to him and stayed in that position until I fell asleep.
When I woke up he was sitting up next to me reading War and Peace.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey. Did you get a good nap?”
I stretched and replied, “Yeah.”
“I never watched you sleep before. You’re kind of cute when you’re sleeping.”
I sat up and wiped around my mouth where I had obviously been drooling. “Oh goodness, you think this drool is cute.”
He shook his head no. “Notice I said ‘kind of cute.’”
He smiled as I shoved him.
“So how do I look when I’m awake?” I asked.
“Absolutely gorgeous,” he answered, “even with dried spit on your face.” He leaned over to kiss me.
“Tengo mal aliento,” I said to him when I realized I still had a little bit of dragon breath.
“No me importa,” he said and he continued.
CHAPTER THIRTY NINE
I had spent yet another morning throwing up at work, making some co-workers suspicious, and had been eager to get home. When I had thought about it, it had been gross at times with us sticking ourselves in his room after he went through radiation and with me having morning sickness. It made it difficult for anyone outside the room to be able to tell that it wasn’t always Theo, but it made a whole lot of clean up of that bucket for me.
I got home and saw that he was taking a nap in the bed. I went into the refrigerator to pull out the pot of chicken soup that I had made a couple of days before and ate a bowl of it with the hope of keeping it down. Soon after, I heard him vomiting and rushed to the bedroom. He had the bucket on his lap and his face was in it. I went over to him to collect the bucket.
He looked up at me. “Hi, babe. I can take this one.”
I shook my head and took it from him. I bent over and kissed him on the forehead. “I got it. How are you feeling today?”
“Not so hot. What time is your appointment again?”
I looked at the clock. “We will have to leave in another two hours. Do you think you’ll be up to it?”
“I’m going to try to be,” he replied. It was going to be the first time we would get to see the baby.
I went to clean out the bucket and brought it back to the room.
“Did you want some chicken soup and crackers?” I asked.
“I already had some and haven’t been able to keep it down.”
“Sorry to hear that. So far so good for me,” I said. I sat propped up on the bed next to him and had him put his head on Holly and Dolly.
“Do you think I would be a good dad?” he asked.
“Honestly, I haven’t given it much thought.” I never really had a chance to think about it because so much had happened that to be alone with my thoughts was nearly impossible. “I think you would now that I think about it. You’re good with your brother. Not to mention you did do stuff for him as a baby since you’re twelve years older. I’m just four years older than my sister so I didn’t do much. Do you think I would be a good mom?”
“Definitely. No questions about it.”
“Well, I have questions about it. I know that I probably need to get some books and take some classes.”
“Classes for what?”
“How to change a diaper properly,” I answered. “Breastfeeding.”
“Breastfeeding? But these are mine,” he said as he moved his head between the girls.
I chuckled. “You may have to share.” Then I thought about a recent trip to my parents’ house and a comment that my mother had made that had kind of been bothering me like an annoying fly that won’t be satisfied until it has had a chance to land on you. “My mom said that I looked like I was getting a little chunky. Do you think I am?”
He sat up to look at me and put his hand on my stomach. “You are with child and weight gain is to be expected. You don’t look chunky at all.”
I glared at him. “You are such a politician.”
He gave a toothy grin before quickly turning to grab the bucket to vomit.
Later we were feeling a bit better to make it to my doctor’s appointment. The heartbeat was strong and we got to see the baby. I had never seen him so giddy before, but it made my heart glad to know that he was happy and it took the sting away from the thought that it could be the last time he would see his child. The ultrasound pictures would have to do.
CHAPTER FORTY
It was the middle of April and my parents were going on a week long cruise for their anniversary. They needed an adult to keep an eye on my teenage sister, so Theo and I moved into my old room. His mother was a little hesitant but succumbed since he was going to be with me and she knew I wouldn’t let anything happen to him under my watch. I had a daybed and used the mattress on the trundle to make a larger bed for us. As I was making the bed up, I noticed him looking around at the stuff in my room.
I had two large bookcases. He stopped at the first one to read all of the trophies that I had. He then went through the titles of the books I had. There were over two hundred books.
“Have you read all of these books?” he asked.
“Yep.”
“You don’t read your books with me.”
“Theo, look at those books. Not a single one of them are over three hundred pages. With the spacing and font sizes, it takes me no time to get through them. You have me over there reading a book that has more words than the Bible, so I won’t have time to read my books until we’re done with it.”
He reached into his bag and pulled out the book and put it on my desk.
“Yeah,” I started. “Look at that and then look at those.” I pointed to the books in my bookcase. “No comparison, dude.”
He moved over to the other bookcase and looked over my CDs. “The Beatles? Sgt. Pepper’s?”
“What of it?”
“I would have never thought you liked The Beatles or that album.”
“I sure do. To be honest, my love for the songs has nothing to do with The Beatles and their album. It was the movie that I loved as a little girl that made me apprec
iate the album.”
“What movie?” he asked.
My jaw dropped as I pointed at him. “That’s sacrilegious. What do you mean ‘what movie’? Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club Band with Peter Frampton and The Bee Gees. It’s the worst B movie musical ever! It was terribly awesome, man!”
He shook his head. “Never heard of it, but I’m sure you’re going to make sure I see it before we leave.”
“I wasn’t thinking that, but we can definitely make it happen. You know I have it.”
“I figured.” He continued looking at the bookcase and the three shelves filled with stuffed animals. “You sure do have a lot of teddy bears.”
“They’re not all teddy bears. They’re stuffed animals. Those are my babies and then they can belong to my baby when it comes.” I stood next to him and started telling him the names of each one.
“Wait,” he stopped me. “You know the names of all of them?”
“Yes, sir.” I continued on with the introductions. I wondered what his reaction was going to be when I got to a light brown teddy bear with straight hair. “This is Theo. This monkey is Laslo.”
“Did you say this teddy bear’s name was Theo?” he asked.
“I did,” I answered shyly.
“When did you get this bear?”
“In the eleventh grade,” I answered.
He picked it up and rubbed it. “Is this what my hair felt like to you?”
I nodded. “Except for when you had it spiky on top.”
“Before I take this as a compliment, is there one here named Nathaniel?”
“The thought of naming one of my treasured stuffed animals Nathaniel never crossed my mind.”
“Did you sleep with Theo or did he stay up here on the shelf with the rest of them?”
“I would be lying if I said that I never had.” The truth was that after I had learned that he was sick, Theo the teddy bear was with me in bed often to run my fingers through his hair.
“Sorry it’s not here anymore,” he said as if reading my mind.
“You can’t be serious,” I said as I went over to him. “I liked your hair. Probably a bit more than I should have. I can admit that now. But you know that I love you, with or without it, right?”
He nodded. “I know, but you named your teddy bear after me because it reminded you of my hair.”
“Do you want me to change his name? Would that make you feel better?”
“No, don’t do that.” He huffed. “I’m being ridiculous, aren’t I?”
“I wouldn’t say that. I get where you’re coming from, love, but you’re just headed in the wrong direction.”
I was in the kitchen starting on an apple pie when he took a break from reading his book and came to check on me. He was wearing a L.A. Kings cap backwards, a white wife-beater that allowed a little bit of the tattoo to be seen, long khaki shorts and his glasses. I took one look at him looking like a nerdy cholo and my switch was turned on. He came up behind me and put his arms around my waist and his head on my shoulder and kissed my neck.
“Can I help you, Mr. Cabrera?”
“Mmm hmm,” he said as he moved to the other side of my neck.
I tried to breathe and concentrate on peeling my apples, as I didn’t want to cut myself. “I can’t help you like that at the moment, but when I have a few minutes, you’ll be the first to know.”
He stopped his affair with my neck to complain. “Why? This pie can wait. We have a whole week to play house. I want to have fun.”
“Oh my goodness, are you whining? Yes, we have a place to ourselves without parents but you’re forgetting we also have a teenage girl we’re looking after who should be walking through the door any minute.” I put the peeler and apple that I was holding down and turned to face him. “Believe me, I would love to be all over this right now.”
He smiled. “All over this? I look that good? I’m not even trying.”
I enjoyed boosting his ego about his image. He did still look delicious in my eyes. I started licking my fingers, which tasted like apples, and he chuckled. “Imagine how I’d act if you were trying. Please go put your shirt back on and take off the glasses. I need to be able to concentrate.”
“Then let me clear your mind.” He went back to my neck and I could tell that a hickey would show itself if I didn’t stop him. There were only so many times my co-workers were going to accept I burned myself with the curling iron as an excuse for a mark on my neck.
“Get out of here,” I roared and walked over to the sink to wash my hands before continuing to peel the apples.
Phaedra came in through the front door and could see us in the kitchen. She entered and said hello. She did a double take at Theo and went closer to take a look at his tattoo. When he saw that part of it was blocked, he moved his shirt so that she could see the whole thing.
She walked over to me. “So you got it like that, huh?” she asked.
I pointed to him and said, “There it is,” and gave her a big, toothy smile knowing that it was eating her up inside that my name was on his tattoo. She loved tattoos and was turning green right before my eyes.
She nodded. “Cool. I’m going to go start on homework. Don’t make dinner. Dad gave me money for pizza. I want to do Grease tonight.” She walked out.
“What does she mean by ‘do Grease tonight?’” Theo asked.
“About once every couple of months we would watch it and perform to the songs. Since I hadn’t been here for a few months, she asked me if we could do it while we were here. I guess tonight is when she had fit it into her schedule.”
He pouted. “What about my schedule with you?”
“Love, I got you. Let me finish this and get it in the oven first. You just make sure you look like this,” I pointed from his head to toes, “when I get in there. Go read.” I shooed him out of the room.
He left, which allowed me to continue with the apples. The thought of him made me rush through the recipe to hurry up and get the pie in the oven with the hope that everything was in it. I turned the timer on and almost ran to my room. I closed the door behind me and locked it and turned to see him sitting at my desk. I bit my bottom lip and picked out a CD to play in my stereo.
“We don’t need mood music,” he said. “I’m already in the mood.”
I waved off his silliness. “It’s ‘I don’t want my sister to hear us’ music.”
I put in the Best of the Isley Brothers and I sashayed over to him to the rhythm of the song “For the Love of You.” I took the book out of his hand and marked it and made him stand up since the bed was across the room. I gave him a long, hard kiss filled with so much passion that I had to stop to breathe.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I just had to come up for air. Every time I kiss you my heart starts racing.”
“Is that a good thing? You know I got heart problems and what’s good to you is bad to me.”
I chuckled. “It’s a very good thing to me. It’s happy that it’s you on the receiving end. It’s like what your adrenaline goes through when you’re on a roller coaster ride. You know what’s about to happen and your heart starts to race with anticipation.”
“Is that why you like making out with me so much? My lips are a roller coaster ride?”
“Yep, my favorite one. I should name them. What’s a good name for a roller coaster with a lip theme?” I was getting distracted because I suddenly was lost in thought trying to create a name. “Hmm. Lipcitement? No, that’s corny. Rollerlipa? Liparolla? Help me out here.”
“I don’t know,” he said while kissing my neck and moving me towards the bed. “And I don’t care right now either.”
When the pizza arrived we all sat down in the family room to start watching Grease.
“Who gets the wig this time? I forget.” Phaedra asked me.
“What wig?” asked Theo.
“You do,” I answered her first. “We have a blonde wig for whoever does Sandy. Theo, do you want to sing any parts? Y
ou know you know something from this movie.”
“No way. I’d rather sit here and enjoy the show you two put on,” he answered.
Phaedra and I ate pizza until the opening song came on. I sang lead and she had back up and we did the choreography we always had for it. We sat down to eat our pizza between songs. I took on Danny’s songs. After “Summer Nights,” Theo commented on how he was surprised we both were able to do the last note. I also did the songs that Rizzo sung. After we ate the pizza, I got all of us a slice of apple pie a la mode. When the movie was over we decided it was time to go to bed.
Theo was propped up in the bed holding his book in his lap while watching me get ready for bed. After I put my pajama gown on, I got his evening medications out and handed them to him with a bottle of water. I straightened some things up on my desk and with our luggage to help keep the room looking tidy before getting into the bed, all while being stared at.
“Is there a booger on my face that I need to get off or something?” I asked.
“What? No,” he answered.
“You’ve been staring me down. Did I do something?”
He grunted. “What haven’t you done?”
I frowned. “I didn’t do anything,” I said in a high pitched voice.
“You’re a constant surprise of things that make me love you more. I learned a couple of things about you today.”
“Like what?” I didn’t know what he could have been referring to.
“I learned that you like to read more than I thought you did. I learned that you have an eclectic taste in music. You have classical, blues, jazz and everything else over there. I can’t believe there was even Shakira. I didn’t think you knew who she was.”
“Why? Because it’s a Spanish album? Did you think that I only limited myself to 80s music?” I asked.
“I did, to be honest. Then I didn’t know that you could sing. I’ve heard you sing before but not like you did tonight.”
“You still don’t know that. I can’t sing. I may have a nice voice, so I’ve been told, but I can’t sing. I imitate.”
“Well, you do a good job of imitating then.”
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