The Tapper Twins Go to War (With Each Other)
Page 2
And it was a very bad fart, so everybody smelled it.
Right away, Athena Cohen jumped up from her seat like a total drama queen and yelled, “Oh, that is DISGUSTING! Who DID that?”
The soccer idiots all started jumping up and making faces, and then Reese pointed at me and yelled, “IT WAS YOU!”
This was not only immature, but also totally unfair. Because, again, it was definitely NOT me.
So I said—in a very calm and mature voice considering the situation—“No, it wasn’t.”
But Reese wouldn’t stop. He had one hand over his nose, and he was pointing at me with the other hand, and then he yelled, in a really loud and obnoxious voice, “JUST ADMIT IT, PRINCESS FARTS-A-LOT!”
And this is how totally immature the rest of the sixth grade is: everybody laughed.
The soccer idiots, the Fembots, even Charlotte and Max at the far end of the table.
It didn’t matter at all that I was totally innocent, or that “Princess Farts-A-Lot” is not even funny. The whole world, or at least the whole sixth grade, was laughing at me for something I DIDN’T EVEN DO.
All because of Reese.
This, in case you couldn’t tell, was the beginning of The War.
It was exactly like the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor that got America into World War II.
Well, not EXACTLY exactly, because there were no bombs, or ships, or planes, or actual death involved. But even so, it was horrible, and cruel, and totally unfair. And because I was so shocked and hurt, all I could do was say, “As if! Grow up, Reese!”
Or something like that. I can’t remember exactly, because it was so stressful that my memory is kind of fuzzy. (I think this is what historians mean when they talk about “the fog of war.”)
What I DO remember is that I had to grab my backpack and pretend to just casually walk away when really I was trying to get to the girls’ bathroom ASAP so I wouldn’t cry in front of everybody.
That is how cruel and horrible it was. It actually made me cry.
And because she is a true friend, Sophie went to the bathroom with me.
SOPHIE KOH, best friend of innocent victim
You were really upset. Because Jens was right there when Reese said it, and—
CLAUDIA
Not because of Jens. Because of everybody. EVERYBODY laughed at me.
SOPHIE
Well, eventually you were worried about everybody. But at first, you were all, “What if Jens thinks I—” Why are you making that hand gesture? What does that mean?
Ooooh! Ed. Note: I have NO IDEA what Sophie is talking about here
Okay! Sorry.
So, um… yeah, it wasn’t about Jens. At all. It was… like… uh…
CLAUDIA
It was EVERYBODY.
SOPHIE
Totally. Like, I remember you were crying, and—wait, can I say that? That you were crying?
CLAUDIA
Yes.
SOPHIE
Good. So, yeah. You were crying, and you were, like, worried it was going to stick, and everybody was going to call you “Princess Farts-A-Lot” for the rest of your life.
CLAUDIA
Which totally could have happened! Remember that thing with Hunter Ed. Note: don’t ask—it’s disgusting in fourth grade?
SOPHIE
Oh, yeah. People STILL call him “Booger Hunter” sometimes. So, yeah, I could see how you’d be worried about that.
CLAUDIA
And it DID happen! James Mantolini called me “Princess Farts-A-Lot” until practically Halloween.
SOPHIE
Yeah, but James is an idiot. Even the boys don’t like him.
CLAUDIA
And remember Athena and Clarissa at lunch? When they shortened “Princess Farts-A-Lot” into just the initials—“P-FAL”—and then tried to get everybody to call me that?
SOPHIE
Ugh. They’re the worst. But they only called you “P-FAL” for like a day.
CLAUDIA
It was longer than that. It was practically the whole week. And that first day was AWFUL. I literally thought it was going to scar me for life.
SOPHIE
I know. I’m so sorry! I remember in the bathroom you were really upset. Like, we were almost late to homeroom because it took you so long to stop crying.
CLAUDIA
You were SUCH a good friend. Like, I would still be in that bathroom crying if it weren’t for you. Do you remember what you said to get me to stop?
SOPHIE
Yeah. I said, “Don’t worry. We are going to take SERIOUS revenge on your stupid brother.”
That really helped. Like, the second you started thinking about getting revenge on Reese, you stopped crying.
And then you started to get kind of psyched about it.
CHAPTER 2
PEACEFUL DIPLOMACY IS A TOTAL FAIL
CLAUDIA
It is important to point out here that even though I suffered a vicious and emotionally devastating sneak attack, I did not fight back right away.
The fact is, I am a completely peace-loving person. Which means I did not go to war until I had done everything I could to solve the crisis through peaceful diplomacy.
REESE
You tried to get me in trouble is what you did.
CLAUDIA
That is not true. Reese got HIMSELF in trouble by attacking me. All I did was very calmly explain the situation to Ashley when she picked us up that afternoon.
Ashley is our after school sitter. Although “sitter” isn’t really the right word for her job. Personally, I am mature and responsible enough that I absolutely DO NOT NEED babysitting. (Reese is a whole other story, because he is a child and has to be constantly watched so he doesn’t burn the apartment down or something.)
And Ashley is more like a substitute parent than a sitter. She does all the things Mom and Dad can’t do because they’re at work—like cooking dinner, or yelling at Reese to do his homework, or being there for us when we need them.
At least, that’s what she’s supposed to do. To be completely honest, Ashley is not that great at her job. She spends 90% of her time staring at her phone, and most of the other 10% playing with her hair.
But she’s VERY nice. And she lets me watch Thrones of Death. So I’m fine with it.
It’s kind of ridiculous that she’s still picking us up after school. But whatever.
ASHLEY O’ROURKE, after school sitter/substitute parent
Wait, before we start—if this book gets published, can you mention that I’m an aspiring Broadway actress who’s trained in both Drama and Voice?
CLAUDIA
It’s not really appropriate. But okay.
ASHLEY
Thanks, Claude! You’re the best.
Okay, so I’m trying to remember… I picked you guys up, I was totally on time—
CLAUDIA
For a change.
ASHLEY
Oh, stop. We got on the M79—no, it was before that. We were waiting for the bus. And you started telling me how, like, Reese had accused you of farting in front of everybody. And it was totally humiliating, and you were going to have to transfer to a new school out of embarrassment, and Reese needed to, like, get grounded for a year or something.
So I told Reese he had to apologize to you. And he said something like, “I’m sorry you can’t take a joke.”
And that just made it worse. You got crazy mad, and we got on the bus, and you guys like, wouldn’t stop fighting. Like, all the old people sitting up in front were turning around to see what all the yelling was about.
And that’s when I emailed your mom.
ASHLEY (email to Mom)
From: AshleyOnBroadway@gmail.com
To: jpomeroy@scrimper.com
Date: 09/08/14 3:02:04 PM EDT
Subject: twins fighting
Hi J! Sorry 2 bug u but twins r in MAJOR FIGHT bc R teased C in front of othr kids at school. C very upset.
I told R he needs 2 r
espect his sister.
I told C not 2 overeact like we talked abt over summer.
Both r not listening 2 me tho so can u talk 2 them when u r home?
Also did u get turkey dogs b4 u left or should I buy more
Thx!
Ash
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
(MOM) Ashley just emailed—Reese teased
Claudia at school, very upset—can
u come home early and give him
“watch your sister’s back” speech?
(DAD) Have to finish brief tonight. Not home
till at least 11. Can you do it?
I AM IN MOUNTAIN VIEW UNTIL
FRIDAY
Oh. Right. Will come home and work
from there
Try to get full story—if Reese’s fault,
take away MetaWorld for at least
24 hrs
How do I do that?
Seriously?
MetaWorld is computer thing, right?
OMG. That is just sad. It is all he talks
about besides soccer
I know it’s computer thing! Just don’t
know how to take it away. Do I hide
his laptop?
Yes. Ask Ashley. Who is illiterate,
BTW. Very scared that she is person
supervising homework
At least she’s not letting them watch
Thrones of Death
CLAUDIA
Dad got home at 8:30 that night, which is really early for him. This made me think Reese was in big trouble.
And I’m pretty sure if Mom hadn’t been on a business trip, Reese WOULD have been in big trouble, because she is much tougher than Dad when it comes to punishment. But Mom works for a very small Internet company that is trying to get a very big Internet company to buy them, so that whole week she was in California trying to get bought.
I think history will record that business trip as one of those totally unfortunate things that, if it hadn’t happened, could have saved everybody a whole lot of trouble. Like if that Archduke guy (I forget his name, but it’s on Wikipedia) hadn’t gotten shot before World War I.
Because at this point, it wasn’t even really The War yet. It was still just The Incredibly Cruel Thing Reese Did In The Cafeteria.
And if Mom and Dad had punished him enough—like if he’d lost ALL his electronics for a week, not just his laptop but his iPad, Xbox, TV privileges, and even the totally ancient DSi that he only plays when Mom and Dad take everything else away—I would not have had to take the law into my own hands.
But after I very calmly explained to Dad what had happened, and he made Reese apologize—which only sounded halfway sincere because Dad was standing right there—he handed down Reese’s sentence:
No laptop for a day.
Which was RIDICULOUS.
The only thing Reese uses his laptop for (besides homework, which he doesn’t even do half the time) is MetaWorld. And when Mom and Dad take away the laptop, he just plays the mobile version on his iPad. Plus he’ll claim he needs the laptop for homework, so they’ll wind up giving it back to him for half the time he’s supposed to lose it anyway.
I complained to Dad, but he wouldn’t change his mind.
And I emailed Mom, but she said it was Dad’s decision.
So diplomacy failed. It was obvious that the only way there was going to be any justice was if I went out and got some for myself.
And that meant revenge.
CHAPTER 3
OPERATION FISHY REVENGE
CLAUDIA
Here’s what I was thinking when I came up with Operation Fishy Revenge:
Reese had accused me of stinking up the cafeteria in front of everybody, which was completely untrue. So I figured if I made him stink FOR REAL, everybody would get grossed out and laugh at him, and he would realize how terrible it felt.
So it’d not only be totally appropriate, but also an important learning experience.
And the best way I could think of to make Reese stink was to hide a dead fish in his backpack.
He takes the backpack practically everywhere with him, so it’s almost as good as hiding a dead fish in his pants. And much less complicated.
The big question was where to get the fish. I wanted to go to Chinatown, because they have tons of fish for sale down there, and most of them are already dead. Plus their prices are very low. And you can get really exotic kinds, like octopus. Ed. Note: (not technically a fish)
But it was Monday night, and I have guitar on Tuesdays and Student Government on Wednesdays. So the earliest I could get to Chinatown was Thursday, and that was only if I could convince Ashley to take me there, because my parents won’t let me ride the subway alone.
This, by the way, is completely stupid, since A) the subway is actually very safe, because half of the scary-looking people sitting on the platforms are actually undercover cops in disguise; and B) I know how to hold my house keys in my fist with the points sticking out so I can gouge the eyes out of anybody who messes with me. But whatever.
And I wanted revenge sooner than Thursday. You know how people say, “Revenge is a dish best served cold”? They are totally wrong. If you ask me, it’s much better to get your revenge when it is still warm from the heat of your anger. Plus you don’t have to carry the anger around all bottled up inside you for too long, which is very unhealthy. So I decided to get a fish from Zabar’s because it’s right at Broadway and 80th Street and has tons of seafood.
So I decided to get a fish from Zabar’s because it’s right at Broadway and 80th Street and has tons of seafood.
Sophie was going to help me pick it out, but she couldn’t make it on Tuesday.
SOPHIE
Tuesday’s bad for me. I have ballet AND violin.
CLAUDIA
Sophie is way overscheduled.
Anyway, I brought $20 of my birthday money to school that day, and after Ashley picked me up from my guitar lesson, I told her I wanted to get a snack, but that it was totally fine for me to go to Zabar’s by myself, and I’d meet her at home.
Ashley was fine with that. This is the kind of thing that makes me question her judgment, but since it lets me get away with stuff like buying a dead fish to put in my brother’s backpack, I’m not complaining.
I ended up getting a porgy, because they look totally freaky and were only $5.99 a pound. The one I got was a pound and a half and cost $8.94 total.
On the way home, I sniffed the bag a couple of times, and it already smelled horrible. Which was perfect.
Getting the fish into Reese’s backpack was easy. When he comes home from soccer, he throws it in the coat closet by the front door. So I waited until he was taking a shower and Ashley was busy making dinner. Then I went to the coat closet.
I got out the pack, unzipped the little side pocket where Reese keeps his shin guards (which, BTW, smelled worse than the fish), and opened up the Zabar’s bag.
The fish was wrapped in paper inside a Ziploc, so getting it out without sliming myself was a challenge. Plus, my heart was beating really fast, and at one point Ashley banged a pot in the kitchen, which scared me so much I almost dropped the fish. But I managed to slide it in behind the shin guards, zip the pocket shut, and toss the pack in the closet.
Then I went into the building hallway and put the Zabar’s bag in the trash compactor chute to dispose of the evidence.
Mission accomplished!
All I had to do was wait until the next day, when the fish would start to stink in the middle of school and Reese would wind up humiliated.
I never once considered the possibility that my brother could be so clueless that he’d carry a rotting fish in his backpack for a whole week without noticing it.
But he was.
REESE
The thing is, I don’t use that pocket for anything but shin guards. And we didn’t scrimmage at practice on Thursday, so there was no reason to open it until Saturday.
It’s not like I was
thinking, “Oh, man, I better check all my pockets just in case somebody smooged Ed. Note: not an actual word a dead fish in there.”
Anyway, the smell wasn’t too bad the first couple of days.
CLAUDIA
That is crazy. It stank right from the beginning. By the next morning, it had stunk up the whole closet so much I was worried I’d ruined all our coats. I could even smell it when everybody was hanging out in the cafeteria before school. But since nobody else seemed to notice, and I wanted people to figure it out for themselves and blame Reese, I kept my mouth shut.
When I got home from Student Government that afternoon, Reese had already put his backpack away in the coat closet. The stink was so awful in there that I actually moved my coats into my bedroom closet. I felt bad about leaving everybody else’s coats in there, but if I’d moved them, it would have looked totally suspicious.