Beautifully Ruined

by Nessa Morgan

  He pushes against my shoulders, steering me toward my house.

  Inside the warmth of my living room, I shiver in the foyer, rubbing fruitlessly against my arms, hoping for heat but I’m too chilled to feel any difference.

  “Oh God, Joey.” Hilary runs down the stairs. “I just checked your room, you weren’t there—” she stops, looking at me. “You’re wet. Why are you wet?” She yanks the afghan from the back of the couch, wrapping it around my shoulders, before she grabs another blanket for Zephyr.

  “She was standing in the driveway,” Zephyr explains.

  “Why were you in the driveway?” Hilary asks, concern clouding her voice.

  I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know.” I shake my head, my hair dripping down my sides. I’m still shaking from the cold. “The last thing I remember is reading in bed. Then I’m standing in the rain.” But that’s not it… “I, uh…” I trail, staring at the floor and the puddle I’m creating in the carpet. Come on, Joey—be brave. Zephyr clasps my hand through the fuzzy fabric. “I was having a nightmare.”

  Zephyr tugs my hand, trying to get my attention, but I don’t want to look at him. He’s seen the worse of my nightmares. Or I thought he had. Never before have I walked in my sleep.

  What’s happening to me?

  What’s going to happen next?

  “Oh, honey,” Hilary whispers, wrapping her arms around me, tugging me closer. “We’ll figure this out,” she says. “Somehow, we’ll figure out what’s wrong.”

  As much as I wish that to be true, I know, deep down, that it’s not possible. There’s too much jumbled within me to sort through.

  fourteen

  I asked Zephyr never to speak of what happened that night. Not to me. Not to my aunt. I asked my aunt the same thing. I just wanted to forget about it. And they wanted to be there for me, they really did, but that wasn’t what I wanted. Not then. All I could see was pity in their eyes. Pity for the girl who didn’t understand her own body or her own mind. That’s all I saw even though I knew it was so much more. There was concern within their stares, worry and concern—no pity—never pity. But after my dream, I only saw pity. But like a good boyfriend, and like a good aunt, they agreed just to let it go as if it never happened. They agreed to let me figure it out on my own. That was all I wanted.

  Heading back to school after that was no big deal. No one knew so I was a happy Joey.

  “How was the birthday?” Milo asks, sliding up to my locker, a large grin covering his face. “Too much cake?”

  “No,” I answer, grabbing the books I need for the first half of the day. “Not enough cake if you ask me. But I can’t keep this sexy figure on cake alone.” That makes him laugh. “Honestly, it was a great birthday. One of my best.”

  He nods. “That’s great to hear, dear.” He grabs a few of the books from my arms, holding them while I rearrange my locker. “So where’s that boyfriend of yours?”

  “Right here, Michael.”

  I roll my eyes.

  “Milo,” Milo corrects as Zephyr snatches my books from his arms.

  “Whatever,” Zephyr barks with annoyance, leaning down to kiss my cheek. “Hey, Jo.”

  “Good morning,” I say, leaning into him.

  Milo stands awkwardly next to us, trying to avoid looking at Zephyr.

  “You can go now,” Zephyr states, shooing Milo away with his hand.

  I smack his arm. “Zephyr!” I say, a little angry with him. He was doing so well, too. Damn his ego.

  “What?” Zephyr asks, a chuckle escaping his lips. “I’m here now, you don’t need him.”

  “It’s okay, Joey.” Milo steps away from the neighboring locker. “I’ll see you in class,” he says, slinking away as I stare, open-mouthed, at my boyfriend, debating whether to punch him or punch him. The difference between the two options is the locations of both punches.

  Zephyr chuckles, situating my books in his arms. I slam my locker shut.

  “What?” Zephyr asks smugly.

  “That was an ass move,” I tell him, snatching my books from his arms. “You could at least try to be nice to him.”

  Zephyr seems to consider this for a moment. For a short moment. “I could. But I don’t want to.” I roll my eyes. “I don’t like him.” That he didn’t and I didn’t understand why. Would learning the reason even be worth it?

    

  Three weeks of school, weekends, and homework go by. I complete most of my senior project, send in college applications, and tutor various students failing classes. Yay to my busy schedule. Also, the Quiz team is doing fairly well in practices. We’re shaping up well as a team and I like the progress we’re making. Our first tournament is coming up and I’m sure we’ll do great.

  My nightmares had continued, as expected, but I didn’t mention them—I just ignored them. To me, they didn’t happen. And I would stand by that until the end of time—these nightmares don’t happen, they didn’t happen, you’re only imagining things, Joey. And I tried to move on.

  Zephyr still hated Milo and I tried to think of a way to make them friends. It would take a lot of trickery and a lot of… whatever else I could think of, but one way or another, they would be friends. Or at least civil around each other. That’s all I really wanted.

  But in the meantime, I’m dealing with a stubborn boyfriend and an even more stubborn friend. I’m about ready to lock them in the nearest janitor’s closet to let them settle their differences.

  “So when is that thing supposed to air?” Kennie asks at lunch. She means my special, the one I really hope burns in a fire. After giving it too much over thought—because that’s what I do at night, over think my decisions. I realized I don’t want anyone to know so much about me. If someone were to lose it, I don’t think I’d mind. If they decided they hated it, I wouldn’t mind. Hell, if they just decided to toss the thing in the trash, hey, I wouldn’t mind that either.

  “I’m not sure,” I say honestly. “I think sometime before the end of the year,” I tell her between bites of an apple.

  It feels so good to be back at my usual table, so good to be surrounded by friends, but I’m catching up on homework, so between eating an apple and filling out a worksheet on American Sign Language, I’m ignoring all conversation around me. Zephyr’s in class making up a test he missed last week, so I’m in my own world at the end of the table.

  “What’s up, nerd,” Milo says, sliding into the seat next to mine. Alexia slides across from him slowly; worried she might get shooed away. Depending on her attitude, she could, but I’m not going to kick her out immediately. She said she’d like to be my friend; I’m giving her the chance.

  “Nothing, jerk,” I reply, highlighting something in the textbook. I shouldn’t do that since these books still belong to the school, but better to help someone in the future and help me in the present—so I don’t care. “Just catching up on some homework.” I’ve been slacking in the work aspect of my life. Since I’ve taken up tutoring, the Quiz Team, and I’m still finishing some interviews for my project, I’ve been limiting myself for anything else, like homework or Zephyr. He’s most upset about it because he can’t spend most nights with me anymore; I’m pissed because I have to spend my lunch finishing my schoolwork. Priorities, right?

  I miss the food most of all. But, shhhhh, don’t tell my boyfriend that.

  “Oh, that’s cool,” he says quietly.

  “If you’re worried about Zephyr, he’s in a class right now,” I tell him noticing how uncomfortable he is.

  “I’m not worried about him,” Milo states, relaxing as the words leave his lips. “He doesn’t scare me.”

  Alexia laughs.

  “Even she seems to disagree with you on that,” I tell him, pointing my pen at Alexia. She smiles at me, relaxing and picking at a muffin. “He’s really sweet,” I defend.

  “Not to me.”

  “He just doesn’t know you,” I offer.

  “He doesn’t want to know me.”

 
“Let me try to fix that.”

  “How?” Milo makes a good point. I can’t force Zephyr to do anything let alone befriend someone he already can’t stand. Why he doesn’t like Milo, I don’t even understand. If he thinks it’s because Milo’s into me in a romantic way, well Zephyr’s wrong. Laughably wrong. Milo’s like a brother. We’ve hung out plenty of times, I’ve fallen asleep on the dude, and we’re still just buds.

  But I need to think of a way because this territorial bullshit Zephyr’s playing, I can’t handle. It’s annoying. I’m not property. I’m just his girlfriend. His girlfriend who won’t dump him because he’s acting like an ass, just his girlfriend who can withhold anything to make Zephyr see the error in his ways.

  Though, until we have sex, I’m not sure what I can withhold that would make him weak enough to see his stupidity.

  This is going to take some pondering.

  A jean-clad leg swings over the bench, sliding into the open space next to me. Zephyr throws an arm over my shoulder, planting a kiss against my cheek. “Finished my test,” he tells me quickly. “Missed me?”

  “Yes,” I reply.

  “What are you doing here, Mildred?” Zephyr asks, his eyes barely trailing to Milo as he takes up the seat next to me. “Same with you?” This he directs coldly to Alexia across the table, who shies away, avoiding Zephyr’s angry, penetrating gaze. He hasn’t even begun to forgive her—his ex-girlfriend—for what Ryder did to me during that New Year’s party. Neither have I. It was all her fault, what he tried to do. I’m just trying this whole benefit-of-the-doubt thing.

  “His name is Milo,” I say. “And don’t be such an ass.” I rest my hand on his arm, trying to get his attention, trying to calm him down as best I can, but he ignores me, focusing all his attention on the two at the end of the table.

  Milo leans forward, connecting eyes with my boyfriend. “What’s your problem with Alexia?” Milo blurts. The entire table quiets, all conversations cease as they turn to watch what’s about to explode at this end. My blush heats, covering my face. I’ve never wanted to hide beneath a table before but it sounds like a brilliant plan at the moment. Alexia looks around before she drops her eyes to the poppy seed muffin before her, plucking off a piece with her manicured nails and popping it in her mouth, chewing slowly. I can’t even imagine what’s going through her mind. If she’s anything like me, probably something like, what the hell is going on around me? because that’s playing in my mind on a constant loop.

  “Milo,” I say, hoping he’ll quiet down.

  “No, Joey, he has no right to be a dick to Alexia,” Milo defends, completely oblivious to anything that’s happened in the last month to nine years.

  Alexia, unable to contain herself, reaches across the table, covering his hand with hers. It draws his attention from Zephyr. “Actually, Milo,” she starts slowly, all eyes on her as we know she’s about to open up. “He does.”

  Milo looks to her, blue eyes blazing with confusion as he stares at her, wondering. “What are you talking about?”

  “Milo, I—”

  “Let’s just let it go,” I blurt, interrupting whatever confession Alexia’s about to release. It’s obvious to everyone here she hasn’t told Milo the cold hard truth about our past together—how she’s tormented me since I moved here—and that’s fine. I don’t care. But it’s their relationship, whatever kind of relationship they share, and it shouldn’t be based on lies. Though, I can’t make that call, I can’t tell her how to live her life, I only know what I’d want Milo to know. If he asks me, I’d tell him straight up. “For now, at least.”

  Milo looks to Alexia, watching her face droop in both sadness and relief. She doesn’t want to tell him. At least, not now, not surrounded by a group of her peers who can tell every detail.

  “Okay,” he mutters, agreeing with her.

  We descend into silence, a comfortable silence I could live within. I nearly smile; it’s so comforting not to have this continue. But I should have known it couldn’t last forever.

  “No,” Zephyr announces loudly, his fists slamming into the table. My notebook bounces an inch from the stained surface. “No. You should know how much of a bitch your girlfriend is.”

  “She’s not my girlfriend,” Milo says as Alexia says, “He’s not my boyfriend.”

  Zephyr barks a laugh, as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing.

  “Zephyr!” I yell, my head snapping in his direction. “You need to calm the fuck down. Okay?”

  He looks to me, anger radiating off him in waves. This is the first time he’s ever been angry with me. What the hell? “No! Not okay, Joey.” He stands, stepping away from the table. “If Millicent and your arch nemesis what to hook up, good for them.” Zephyr leans closer to Milo. “But he’s supposed to be your friend.”

  “Milo,” I bark, annoyed. “And arch nemesis? What is this, a comic book?”

  “Supposedly?” Milo asks. “And what are you talking about?”

  Zephyr ignores the questions. “What? You pissed you can’t be with Joey?” He leans forward, farther into Milo’s view. I watch Milo’s face turn a shade of red that can only be described as crimson. I’m not sure if it’s from embarrassment or anger. I’m guessing the latter since Zephyr’s involved. “You pissed she’s with me, man?”

  I stand up, prepared to dive between the two if a fight breaks out. It’s very likely, I don’t think their fuses are long enough. “All right, kids,” I say, placing my hands up, ready to separate them.

  “What’s your problem?” Milo asks, standing to his full height. An inch taller than Zephyr.

  “There is no problem—” I try to say before being rudely interrupted.

  “You,” Zephyr answers matter-of-factly, standing to his full height.

  I rub my palm against my forehead. “It’s like I’m not even here,” I mutter under my breath.

  “What about me?” Milo asks, stepping away from the table.

  Looking down the table, I search for someone, anyone, silently begging them for help. I connect eyes with Avery, knowing he’s ready to help if need be.

  I think need is about to be.

  “You want my girl.” Zephyr states, his chest puffed out like a lizard.

  I’d laugh if this wasn’t the dumbest thing I’ve ever witnessed. It’s giving me a headache.

  “Your girl?” Milo responds.

  “Yeah, my girl.”

  “If you’re so worried, man, are you sure she’s yours?” Milo asks.

  Alexia stands, reaching out for Milo. “Milo,” she says but he doesn’t hear her.

  “I’m positive, man,” Zephyr replies.

  When did I become property? I look to my boyfriend—my idiot boyfriend—strongly wondering why I’m dating him. He’s a buffoon, a real big one right now. I definitely need better curse words. But the scene playing out in front of me is making me angry, my rage is beginning to swell, a rage I’ve never felt before.

  I can’t take it anymore.

  “Listen up, Neanderthals,” I announce loudly, stepping between the two brutes and putting space between them by shoving against their chests until they take several stumbling steps back. “Last time I checked, I wasn’t a piece of cattle to brand with your name. I belong to no one, got it?” Zephyr opens his mouth to respond but I instantly cut him off. “If you still want a girlfriend, buddy, back the fuck off and calm the hell down. And you,” I point to Milo, “You still want a friend, if both of you still want a friend”—I’m addressing them both—”you’ll both calm down and try to be friends for my sake. Capiche?”

  Milo shifts where he stands, looking from me to Zephyr. Zephyr stares at me, a dumbfounded expression on his face.

  “I love you, Joey,” Zephyr starts. I expect him to tell me that he can do it, that he and Milo can become friends. Or at least tolerate each other. That’s also acceptable. “And I’ll do many things for you.” He looks over to Milo. I’m expecting an apology from Zephyr to Milo, I’m expecting friends to be made�
�I’m expecting a lot of things right now. Then they could look back on this moment and laugh at the stupidity. “But I don’t need his friendship.” And I was wrong.

  I hate being wrong.

  Stepping back away from them, shock covering my face because I feel stupid. I look from Zephyr to Milo—completely pissed.

  Turning to Milo, I ask, “Do you feel the same?”

  Milo eyes Zephyr. Then nods.

  And I feel even dumber.

  “Fine,” I reply, grabbing my book from the table and my backpack from beneath the bench. “You two want to act like children, you two want to rip each other to shreds, be my guest.” I shove everything into my bag. “But I’m not going to stand here while the two of you compare sizes.” I zip everything up, turning to leave. Then I remember her awkwardly standing there. I turn to her. “You coming?” I ask Alexia.

  Her glossed jaw drops. She looks dumbfounded.

  I shrug, realizing I caught her off guard and put her on the spot. “You don’t have—”

  “Yeah, I’m on my way,” she says, grabbing her stuff and following me from the cafeteria as I escape. I hear Zephyr calling my name but I don’t stop.

  I walk straight into the library, stopping only when I get to my favorite recliner in the back. Alexia drops into its neighbor. In the heat of the moment, I sort of forgot about her.

  “That was weird,” she says quietly, staring off into the stacks of books in front of her.

  “As weird as my life’s been these past few weeks, that doesn’t even begin to compare.” Alexia looks up to me, her fingers tucking back a lock of hair. “Oh, come on. You don’t find it weird to be sitting in the library with me having a civil conversation?”

  I’d say normal but not after what just happened.

  “True.” Her hands play with the end of her hair. “But I never thought I’d see your boyfriend and my… friend fighting over you.” She shrugs.

  “To be fair, it was also a fight about you.”

  She slowly nods, recognition clouding her face. “Yeah. A fight about how I nearly got you raped at a party.” Alexia looks to the floor. “I really screwed up. I can’t even begin to show you how sorry I am for all of it.”