My Brother's Famous Bottom Gets Pinched

by Jeremy Strong

  ‘You think her bottom smiles?’ asked Dad, a bit surprised.

  ‘He doesn’t mean her bottom,’ snapped Mum. ‘Her face!’

  ‘I want that girl in the next advert,’ said Mr Dumper. ‘I’ll get a contract drawn up at once. And there’s something else I’m going to do. You’ll never guess. I’m going to get married. Kristal Gaze and I are engaged!’

  ‘Congratulations!’ cried Mum, trying to cover up the noise of Dad choking on his toast.

  ‘Well done,’ echoed Granny. ‘You know,

  Lancelot and I got married when we were quite old.’

  Kristal’s smile froze. ‘Excuse me? Are you suggesting I’m old?’

  Lancelot leaned across to Granny. ‘You’re wearing the wrong glasses, babe,’ he suggested.

  ‘No, I’m not, I checked before I – ow!’ Granny yelped. ‘Someone kicked me under the table. Well I never. Do you know, I think I must have the wrong glasses on. Silly me.’

  ‘It’s the sort of thing that happens when you’re old,’ said Kristal coldly.

  ‘Where’s Cheese?’ Mum asked. ‘Don’t tell me he’s vanished again.’

  ‘He’s vanished again,’ I said helpfully.

  ‘Cheese? Cheese? Where are you?’

  All at once the bottom of Kristal’s long dress was lifted up and a smiley face appeared. ‘Boo!’ he said.

  ‘Oh!’ cried Kristal. ‘That’s no place to go and hide. What are you doing under there, young man?’

  ‘Pretty’, gurgled Cheese. ‘Pretty pants!’

  Kristal Gaze turned beetroot. Mr Dumper tried not to burst out laughing but couldn’t stop himself. Mum gathered up Cheese and muttered an apology. Granny and Lancelot hid their smiles and I tried hard to stare at the ceiling because I

  knew if I looked at any of their faces I’d burst into uncontrollable giggles.

  It’s all worked out quite well really especially as Mr Dumper doesn’t just want Tomato as the new Cheese – he wants Dad to work for him too. You see, my dad has finally come up with some good ideas.

  ‘The thing is,’ he told Mr Dumper, ‘you needn’t stop at nappies that are different colours. They could have writing on them.’

  ‘How do you mean?’ asked Mr Dumper.

  ‘Like you see on T-shirts,’ Dad explained. ‘One might say BEWARE – TOXIC FUMES.’

  ‘Oh, I like that,’ chuckled Mr Dumper.

  ‘Or you could have TODAY WILL BE WET AND WINDY.’

  ‘Hah! Even better!’

  ‘How about a nappy that says No. 1 on the front, and No. 2 on the back?’

  Mr Dumper stopped dead, looked at Dad for a second and burst out laughing. ‘Priceless!’ he cried. ‘You’ve got to come and work for me. With ideas like those we’ll have the whole world buying Rainbow Dumpers. I might even make some big enough for those giant babies!’

  I suddenly remembered my nightmare. You remember the one where I was being chased by giant babies and dwarf dogs? Listening to Dad’s ideas had given me one of my own.

  ‘Someone ought to make nappies for dogs,’ I said quietly because I was afraid everyone would laugh at me. The room went horribly quiet. They all turned their eyes on me.

  ‘What did you say?’ croaked Mr Dumper.

  ‘I said someone ought to make nappies for dogs.’

  He studied me for several seconds, slowly shaking his head. At last he spoke. ‘I don’t believe it. The boy’s a genius!’

  ‘The boy’s a genius,’ echoed Dad. ‘Nappies for dogs. What a fantastic idea.’

  ‘I’ll call them Doggy-dumps,’ smiled Mr Dumper. He turned to Cheese and Tomato. ‘What do you say, Cheese? What do you say, Tomato? What do you think of Doggy-dumps?’

  I won’t tell you what they said. You already know.