Crash Landing

by Scott Seegert

  “My stomach won’t stop growling. I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.”

  “Horse? What’s that?”

  “Oh, it’s an animal we have back on Earth.”

  “And you eat it when you’re real hungry?”

  “What? Heck no. We ride them, mostly.”

  “But you said—”

  “We don’t actually eat horses. It’s just a figure of speech. You know, because they’re so big.”

  “So you don’t eat big animals on Earth?”

  “Sure we do. Like cows, for instance.”

  “Then why don’t you say you’re so hungry you could eat a cow?”

  “I don’t know. That’s just how the saying goes. We do have a cow saying, too, though—‘Don’t have a cow.’”

  “‘Don’t have a cow’? So you say that to people who aren’t hungry?”

  “Nope. We say that to people who are really upset about something.”

  “Your planet is weird.”

  “Look, the point is that I’m real hungry. I think this is the hungriest I’ve ever felt in my entire life.”

  “I guess I could give you my dessert, too. I’m pretty full.”

  “I didn’t see any dessert. What is it?”

  “I’m not sure, but the sign said ‘Lava Cake. ’”

  “Lava cake? Really? That’s my favorite back on Earth! My mom always makes it on my birthday. It’s like a mini chocolate cake filled with gooey chocolate syrup. I can’t believe they have it out here. I could eat a whole tray of that stuff!”

  “A whole tray? Now that would be something to see.”

  “Sure would!”

  “Hey, you know what? You guys are right. That really would be something to see. Right, Kelvin?”

  “Well, I guess so. But—”

  “Everybody would be talking about it.”

  I don’t know if I like where this is going.

  “Gil is right, Kelv. Maybe this can be your big thing.”

  “Oh, really, Rand-El. As big as your rope climbing idea? That one sure worked out great.”

  “Hey, you’re the one who wanted to be known for something. And you said there’s not a lot you’re good at, right? You’re going to have to be creative.”

  Crud. They’re right. I don’t have a lot of options. And I really do love lava cake. I ate three of them last year on my birthday. Maybe I can do this. Drifting Doofus Genius. Ugh. I’ve got to give it a try.

  “All right, let’s do it.”

  “Oh, this is going to be fantastic! Grimnee and I will get the cakes. She’s tight with Mrs. Forzork, the lunch lady.”

  “And I’ll roll around and spread the word!”

  Okay. You can do this, Kelvin. Sure, the whole gym class rope thing was a disaster, but this time it’s all on me. None of Rand-El’s brain-dead tricks to deal with. All I have to do is chow down on my favorite dessert of all time. This should be a cinch!

  Now, where are those two with my tray of cakes?

  I have to admit, they do look delicious. And the cafeteria doesn’t serve synthesized stuff like back at our LIV space. Gil has delivered a pretty big crowd. Everybody in the lunchroom must be gathered around our table, looking at me.

  What the heck. I play it up a bit. I get out of my chair, do a few stretches and toe touches, and sit back down. I give the crowd a nice “Mmmm” and rub my palms together. I grab the first cake, check it out from a few different angles, and take a big bite.

  “This isn’t lava cake!”

  “Well, that’s what the sign said.”

  I turn and look over my shoulder toward Mrs. Forzork, who has dessert duty today.

  Larva cake?! Seriously?! Even out here on the other end of the galaxy, who is going to eat larva cake?!

  “Hey, look! It’s the Drifting Doofus Larva Boy Genius!”

  Well, that was a rough night. Biting into a clump of larvae is bad, but having your brain torture you by thinking about it for the rest of the day is worse. I tried going to bed early, but every time I fell asleep, I dreamed that a giant larva was eating a cupcake full of tiny Kelvins and woke up screaming. The fresh air of this field trip is just what I need right now.

  Mr. Jeddee, our science teacher, is taking us to a nearby planet with an atmosphere close to what we have on the space station, so we won’t have to wear our helmets while we’re there. He said one of the scientists discovered it by accident when her ship lost control and she had to make an emergency landing on it. I guess the planet emits some kind of pulse or something that messes with a ship’s controls when you get too close to it. Supposedly, they figured out how to protect against it now. I hope so. Fresh air is overrated when your face is planted into the side of a cliff.

  Assuming we don’t crash, we’re going to study the planet’s indigenous life-forms. That’s a fancy word that means life-forms that are originally from that planet and not brought there from someplace else. And Mr. Jeddee let Lightyear come along, too, which is great because he hasn’t had a chance to run around loose in forever.

  We’ve got all the choice seats in the back of the bus, too. Dorn tried to save the last couple rows for himself… but Grimnee discussed the situation with him and convinced him to relocate.

  It’s going to be a while before we land, and Brian’s pretty large brained right now, so I figure it’s a good time to see how he’s coming along with his Zorb destruction plans.

  “Actually, they’re right here in my pocket.”

  “Wow. That’s amazing.”

  “I thought you’d be impressed!”

  “No, I mean that you guys still actually think my dad’s funny.”

  “Are you kidding? He’s hilarious!”

  “Yeah, Kelvin. Your dad may be a brilliant scientist, but he’d be an even better stand-up comic.”

  “I don’t know how you live with it. I laugh so hard my stomach hurts just thinking about some of those jokes!”

  Oh, they make my stomach hurt, too. But in a more nausea-related way. It’s like the entire galaxy outside of Earth has a terrible sense of humor. But there may not even be a galaxy for long if we don’t destroy that Zorb. So back to Brian’s plan.

  “I didn’t even know there was a Zorb energy-neutralization beam.”

  “Well, technically there isn’t. But I have a plan to create one!”

  “Wait! Everything sounded great up until step four. What happened?”

  “Well, once I got past step three, I kept thinking about all the terrible things that might happen if this plan doesn’t work. And I guess it stressed me out, because my brain shrank to the size of a froop nut. Sorry, guys. Maybe someone else could come up with the rest of the plan.”

  “Someone else? Come up with the part where we actually design the beam? Like who? I’m having trouble just passing my classes right now. Maybe Grimnee can sing to you again. That kept you calm back a couple months ago when we were trapped in the robot’s foot.”

  “Can’t. Sorry.”

  “Grimnee’s got a sore throat. Four of them, actually. She’s got a doctor’s appointment in the morning.”

  “Well, I guess we’ll just have to figure something else out, then.”

  Yeah? Like what, Genius?

  Oh, great. Now I’m even doing it to myself.

  “Look, everybody spend some time tonight brainstorming about how we can destroy that Zorb. We’ll go over the ideas at lunch tomorrow. Maybe between all of us we can patch together something that will work.”

  Right. And maybe my butt will sprout wings and learn to play the ukulele.

  “There it is!” I say to Rand-El. “We should be down in a few minutes. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to actually feel dirt and grass under my feet again.”

  Rand-El looks unimpressed. “What’s grass? And how do you know if there even is any dirt? What if the whole surface is all soft and mushy? And wet. I’m wearing my brand-new boots. If I ruin my brand-new boots, my mom is not going to be happy.”

  Good old Rand-E
l. Always anticipating the best.

  “C’mon, Rand-El. Why would Mr. Jeddee bring us to a planet that would ruin all of our footwear?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe he owns the boot store back on the space station.”

  I glance over at Rand-El. “Hey, maybe he’s going to offer us a boot discount.”

  We all quiet down, and Mr. Jeddee continues.

  “Before we land, we need to go over a few things. I’ll be doing a little demonstration later, but before that you’re free to go ahead and explore on your own for a while. Two rules. First, stay in groups of at least two. That way, if one of you gets eaten by a Klandarian cronckadile, there will be someone left to tell me about it.”

  The bus erupts with laughter. For that terrible joke. It’s almost as if—

  “Just kidding. Professor Klosmo told me to say that. Is he hilarious, or what?”

  I knew it!

  “Seriously, though, stick together in groups. And rule number two—absolutely, positively DO NOT take anything from the planet. As good galactic citizens, we must leave everything exactly as we found it.”

  The bus lurches as the retro thrusters begin to fire. We touch down on what feels, at least, like solid ground.

  “A couple more things before we let you out,” Mr. Jeddee continues. “This is a relatively small planet, so the gravity is less than what you’re used to on the space station and in the school. It may take a little while to adjust to it. And stay away from any bodies of water you run into. Our probes weren’t able to analyze them accurately, so we don’t know what might be in there.”

  The driver opens the door. “Be sure that someone from each group takes a com device from the bin on your way out,” Mr. Jeddee reminds us. “We’ll all meet back here in an hour for the demonstration.”

  “I don’t know, Rand-El. Seems pretty solid to me.”

  “We’ll see. I already have a little dirt on my left boot.”

  Wow. There really is less gravity here. This should be fun.

  Especially for Lightyear. Wait a minute—where is Lightyear?

  It took us a while to track him down, but we finally caught up to Lightyear in a nearby field.

  “Well, he’s certainly having a marvelous time. Lightyear’s instinctual behavior appears unencumbered down here on the planet’s surface.”

  It’s Brian. Big-brained Brian. I guess our field trip is more relaxing for him than thinking about designing a Zorb energy-neutralization beam.

  “Uh… sure. I mean, I guess so.” I might know for sure if I had any idea what he was talking about.

  We picked our exploring groups back on the bus. I’ve got Brian and Gil with me. Lightyear, too, who happens to be heading this way with a stick in his mouth. It looks like he wants to play fetch. He drops the stick at my feet, so I bend over to pick it up. And it crawls away and hides behind a log. And then the log gets up, on about twenty legs, and runs behind a big boulder. Well, I have to admit, that’s the strangest thing I’ve seen in a while. And that’s coming from somebody who’s standing next to a kid whose brain I can watch shrink and grow inside a Plexiglas dome.

  “Well, that was… different,” says Mr. Plexi-Dome himself. The log thingy must have freaked him out a little bit, because his brain’s down to half size again. “Maybe we should go.”

  “All right. Just let me grab Lightyear.” Too late. He darts behind the boulder, probably looking for his stick buddy.

  “C’mon, Lightyear,” I call. “We should start heading back to the landing area.”

  I’m about to attempt a whistle when Lightyear comes bounding out from behind the boulder. He has something in his mouth, but it’s not the stick.

  “Hey! What’s that?”

  “Heck if I know. Looks like a rock or something.”

  A really cool glowing rock, that is. I pick it up. It’s hard and incredibly smooth. Kind of warm, too. And lighter than any rock this size I’ve ever held before. Rounder, too.

  Mom would love this thing. Her birthday’s coming up, and it’s not like there are a ton of gift options on the space station. At least not in my price range.

  Or, better yet, I could give it to Luna! She’d have to appreciate something this nice. And maybe the guy who gave it to her, too! I can always get Mom a new kitchen sponge or something. I stuff my glowing ticket to Luna Town into my travel pack.

  “You better put that back, Kelvin. Remember what Mr. Jeddee said about not taking anything?”

  “Yeah? Well, he also said to stay away from water, and look at Gil over there.”

  “What is it with you guys? Didn’t you listen to anything Mr. Jeddee said?”

  “Aw, relax, Brian. I live in the water, remember? If anything weird was going on, don’t you think I’d be the first to know?”

  We don’t look back until we’re within sight of the bus. And when we do, the “pond” is back to looking like a pond again. And Brian’s brain is back to looking like a golf ball.

  I pull the glowing maybe-rock back out of my pack and stare at it. Gil’s little mishap has me rethinking the intelligence of taking it back home with me. On the one hand, I know nothing about it. Something unexpected and horrible could happen, putting everyone in danger. On the other hand, Luna will probably think it’s cool.

  I put it back in my pack.

  “What is the meaning of this! Put me down this instant!”

  “Xf ibwf uif hsfbu pof! Boe if mpplt efmjdjpvt!” (WE HAVE THE GREAT ONE! AND HE LOOKS DELICIOUS!)

  Zarfloots! I don’t have time to be hauled all over this ridiculous planet by a bunch of oddly shaped nitwits! I have places to go and people to kidnap! Well, one person, anyway. Hey! What was that?! Did one of them just… lick me? One of them just licked me! That darn well better be a sign of respect on this planet, or heads will roll! Wait… do they even have heads?

  “If’t b mpu tnbmmfs uibo J uipvhi if xpvme cf.” (HE’S A LOT SMALLER THAN I THOUGHT HE WOULD BE.)

  “Zft. Xf ibe cfuufs cf bu uif gspou pg uif mjof jg xf xbou up hfu tpnf.” (YES. WE HAD BETTER BE AT THE FRONT OF THE LINE IF WE WANT TO GET SOME.)

  “What are you saying? I can’t understand you. I think I may have made out the word ‘brilliant.’ If you happen to be discussing how brilliant I am, I totally agree. And feel free to continue!”

  Bah! It’s no use. I may as well be talking to an eggplant. If they don’t put me down soon, I know which planet I’m going to conquer first once I get my hands on that Zorb! What is the point of all this? Where are they taking me?

  Our hour of exploration time is up and the rest of the gang meets us back at the clearing.

  “Uh… what’s going on, guys?”

  “Not bad, eh? Turns out Grimnee’s even stronger on this planet than she is back at the school.”

  “We’re all stronger. Because of the weaker gravity, remember?”

  “Whatever. All I know is she’s keeping my boots from getting dirty. My mom wouldn’t be too happy if my boots got dirty.”

  Again with the dirt and the boots. Rand-El’s home planet must be completely covered with carpeting.

  Mr. Jeddee calls everybody over. He pops open a metal case and removes a strange piece of equipment. It must be demonstration time.

  “What I have here is a portable magnetic field generator. As we covered in class last week, a variety of creatures use magnetic fields in order to navigate, including many birds and various types of worms. I’ll turn the setting to high and see if we’re able to attract a few of them.”

  “Well, that setting may have been too high. Let’s turn it down just a bit and give it another try.”

  “Actually, class, this is an excellent example of trial-and-error experimentation. Now I’ve moved the dial down to the top end of the worm range. Hopefully, we can coax a few of the little wigglers to make an appearance.”

  “I apologize, class. I probably should have tried this out beforehand. You know what? Just to be on the safe side, let’s turn the dial all the way down to the one
worm setting and give it one final shot.

  Well, that was fun. And exhausting. But it was great being outside again. I almost forgot what it feels like to be in a real atmosphere. The space station’s oxygen circulation system is pretty impressive and all, but nothing beats the smell of real, fresh air.

  And then I step onto the bus.

  It smells like the inside of an old, dirty sweat sock. That somebody put a dead rat in. And left in the sun for a month.

  And then dragged through a sewer.

  It’s not too hard to figure out what the cause is, either.

  Telly Torkintottintin. The only kid still sitting anywhere near him is Roan Nonaze, and that’s only because Roan doesn’t have a nose. Lightyear immediately takes off and jumps up on the seat next to Telly. He’s in heaven. I guess the stronger the smell the better, as far as Lightyear’s concerned.

  And then it starts.

  “Sme-lly Te-lly! Sme-lly Te-lly!”

  It almost seems like he was named Telly for this exact moment. Poor guy. And ol’ Larva Boy here knows just how he feels. So I sit down next to Lightyear. I make sure to breathe only through my mouth, a trick I learned when I used to have to use the bathroom right after Grandpa Karl. But that doesn’t stop my eyes from watering. And I swear I can actually taste the odor.

  “You don’t have to sit here. I know how awful it is.”

  “How awful what is?”

  “C’mon, Kelvin. I’m not stupid.”