Delphi Complete Works of Elizabeth Gaskell

by Elizabeth Gaskell

  Night came on; the sounds of daily life died away into silence; the children’s voices were no more heard; the poultry were all gone to roost; the beasts of burden to their stables; and travellers were housed. Then Thekla came in softly and quietly, and took up her appointed place, after she had done all in her power for my comfort. I felt that I was in no state to be left all those weary hours which intervened between sunset and sunrise; but I did feel ashamed that this young woman, who had watched by me all the previous night, and for aught I knew, for many before, and had worked hard, been run off her legs, as English servants would say, all day long, should come and take up her care of me again; and it was with a feeling of relief that I saw her head bend forwards, and finally rest on her arms, which had fallen on the white piece of sewing spread before her on the table. She slept; and I slept. When I wakened dawn was stealing into the room, and making pale the lamplight. Thekla was standing by the stove, where she had been preparing the bouillon I should require on wakening. But she did not notice my halfopen eyes, although her face was turned towards the bed. She was reading a letter slowly, as if its words were familiar to her, yet as though she were trying afresh to extract some fuller or some different meaning from their construction. She folded it up softly and slowly, and replaced it in her pocket with the quiet movement habitual to her. Then she looked before her, not at me, but at vacancy filled up by memories; and as the enchanter brought up the scenes and people which she saw, but I could not, her eyes filled with tears--tears that gathered almost imperceptibly to herself as it would seem--for when one large drop fell on her hands (held slightly together before her as she stood) she started a little, and brushed her eyes with the back of her hand, and then came towards the bed to see if I was awake. If I had not witnessed her previous emotion, I could never have guessed that she had any hidden sorrow or pain from her manner; tranquil, self-restrained as usual. The thought of this letter haunted me, especially as more than once I, wakeful or watchful during the ensuing nights, either saw it in her hands, or suspected that she had been recurring to it from noticing the same sorrowful, dreamy look upon her face when she thought herself unobserved. Most likely everyone has noticed how inconsistently out of proportion some ideas become when one is shut up in any place without change of scene or thought. I really grew quite irritated about this letter. If I did not see it, I suspected it lay perdu in her pocket. What was in it? Of course it was a love-letter; but if so, what was going wrong in the course of her love? I became like a spoilt child in my recovery; everyone whom I saw for the time being was thinking only of me, so it was perhaps no wonder that I became my sole object of thought; and at last the gratification of my curiosity about this letter seemed to me a duty that I owed to myself. As long as my fidgety inquisitiveness remained ungratified, I felt as if I could not get well. But to do myself justice, it was more than inquisitiveness. Thekla had tended me with the gentle, thoughtful care of a sister, in the midst of her busy life. I could often hear the Fraulein’s sharp voice outside blaming her for something that had gone wrong; but I never heard much from Thekla in reply. Her name was called in various tones by different people, more frequently than I could count, as if her services were in perpetual requisition, yet I was never neglected, or even long uncared-for. The doctor was kind and attentive; my host friendly and really generous; his sister subdued her acerbity of manner when in my room, but Thekla was the one of all to whom I owed my comforts, if not my life. If I could do anything to smooth her path (and a little money goes a great way in these primitive parts of Germany), how willingly would I give it? So one night I began--she was no longer needed to watch by my bedside, but she was arranging my room before leaving me for the night----

  ‘Thekla,’ said I, ‘you don’t belong to Heppenheim, do you?’

  She looked at me, and reddened a little.

  ‘No. Why do you ask?’

  ‘You have been so good to me that I cannot help wanting to know more about you. I must needs feel interested in one who has been by my side through my illness as you have. Where do your friends live? Are your parents alive?’

  All this time I was driving at the letter.

  ‘I was borne at Altenahr. My father is an innkeeper there. He owns the Golden Stag. My mother is dead, and he has married again, and has many children.’

  ‘And your stepmother is unkind to you,’ said I, jumping to a conclusion.

  ‘Who said so?’ asked she, with a shade of indignation in her tone. ‘She is a right good woman, and makes my father a good wife.’

  ‘Then why are you here living so far from home?’

  Now the look came back to her face which I had seen upon it during the night hours when I had watched her by stealth; a dimming of the grave frankness of her eyes, a light quiver at the corners of her mouth. But all she said was, ‘It was better.’

  Somehow, I persisted with the wilfulness of an invalid. I am half ashamed of it now.

  ‘But why better, Thekla? Was there ----’ How should I put it? I stopped a little, and then rushed blindfold at my object: ‘Has not that letter which you read so often something to do with your being here?’

  She fixed me with her serious eyes till I believe I reddened far more than she; and I hastened to pour out, incoherently enough, my conviction that she had some secret care, and my desire to help her if she was in any trouble.

  ‘You cannot help me,’ said she, a little softened by my explanation, though some shade of resentment at having been thus surreptitiously watched yet lingered in her manner. ‘It is an old story; a sorrow gone by, past, at least it ought to be, only sometimes I am foolish’--her tones were softening now--’and it is punishment enough that you have seen my folly.’

  ‘If you had a brother here, Thekla, you would let him give you his sympathy if he could not give you his help, and you would not blame yourself if you had shown him your sorrow, should you? I tell you again, let me be as a brother to you.’

  ‘In the first place, sir’--this ‘sir’ was to mark the distinction between me and the imaginary brother--’I should have been ashamed to have shown even a brother my sorrow, which is also my reproach and my disgrace.’ These were strong words; and I suppose my face showed that I attributed to them a still stronger meaning than they warranted; but honi soit qui mal y pense--for she went on dropping her eyes and speaking hurriedly.

  ‘My shame and my reproach is this: I have loved a man who has not loved me’--she grasped her hands together till the fingers made deep white dents in the rosy flesh--’and I can’t make out whether he ever did, or whether he did once and is changed now; if only he did once love me, I could forgive myself.’

  With hasty, trembling hands she began to rearrange the tisane and medicines for the night on the little table at my bedside. But, having got thus far, I was determined to persevere.

  ‘Thekla,’ said I, ‘tell me all about it, as you would to your mother, if she were alive. There are often misunderstandings which, never set to rights, make the misery and desolation of a lifetime.’

  She did not speak at first. Then she pulled out the letter, and said, in a quiet, hopeless tone of voice:--

  ‘You can read German writing? Read that, and see if I have any reason for misunderstanding.’

  The letter was signed ‘Franz Weber,’ and dated from some small town in Switzerland--I forget what--about a month previous to the time when I read it. It began with acknowledging the receipt of some money which had evidently been requested by the writer, and for which the thanks were almost fulsome; and then, by the quietest transition in the world, he went on to consult her as to the desirability of his marrying some girl in the place from which he wrote, saying that this Anna Somebody was only eighteen and very pretty, and her father a well-to-do shopkeeper, and adding, with coarse coxcombry, his belief that he was not indifferent to the maiden herself. He wound up by saying that, if this marriage did take place, he should certainly repay the various sums of money which Thekla had lent him at different times.


  I was some time in making out all this. Thekla held the candle for me to read it; held it patiently and steadily, not speaking a word till I had folded up the letter again, and given it back to her. Then our eyes met.

  ‘There is no misunderstanding possible, is there, sir?’ asked she, with a faint smile.

  ‘No,’ I replied; ‘but you are well rid of such a fellow.’

  She shook her head a little. ‘It shows his bad side, sir. We have all our bad sides. You must not judge him harshly; at least, I cannot. But then we were brought up together.

  ‘At Altenahr?’

  ‘Yes; his father kept the other inn, and our parents, instead of being rivals, were great friends. Franz is a little younger than I, and was a delicate child. I had to take him to school, and I used to be so proud of it and of my charge. Then he grew strong, and was the handsomest lad in the village. Our fathers used to Sit and smoke together, and talk of our marriage, and Franz must have heard as much as I. Whenever he was in trouble, he would come to me for what advice I could give him; and he danced twice as often with me as with any other girl at all the dances, and always brought his nosegay to me. Then his father wished him to travel, and learn the ways at the great hotels on the Rhine before he settled down in Altenahr. You know that is the custom in Germany, sir. They go from town to town as journeymen, learning something fresh everywhere, they say.’

  ‘I knew that was done in trades,’ I replied.

  ‘Oh, yes; and among innkeepers, too,’ she said. ‘Most of the waiters at the great hotels in Frankfurt, and Heidelberg, and Mainz, and, I daresay, at all the other places, are the sons of innkeepers in small towns, who go out into the world to learn new ways, and perhaps to pick up a little English and French; otherwise, they say, they should never get on. Franz went off from Altenahr on his journeyings four years ago next May Day; and before he went, he brought me back a ring from Bonn, where he bought his new clothes. I don’t wear it now; but I have got it upstairs, and it comforts me to see something that shows me it was not all my silly fancy. I suppose he fell among bad people, for he soon began to play for money,--and then he lost more than he could always pay--and sometimes I could help him a little, for we wrote to each other from time to time, as we knew each other’s addresses; for the little ones grew around my father’s hearth, and I thought that I, too, would go forth into the world and earn my own living, so that----well, I will tell the truth--I thought that by going into service, I could lay by enough for buying a handsome stock of household linen, and plenty of pans and kettles against--against what will never come to pass now.’

  ‘Do the German women buy the pots and kettles, as you call them, when they are married?’ asked I, awkwardly, laying hold of a trivial question to conceal the indignant sympathy with her wrongs which I did not like to express.

  ‘Oh, yes; the bride furnishes all that is wanted in the kitchen, and all the store of house-linen. If my mother had lived, it would have been laid by for me, as she could have afforded to buy it, but my stepmother will have hard enough work to provide for her own four little girls. However,’ she continued, brightening up, ‘I can help her, for now I shall never marry; and my master here is just and liberal, and pays me sixty florins a year, which is high wages.’ (Sixty florins are about five pounds sterling.) ‘And now, good-night, sir. This cup to the left holds the tisane, that to the right the acorn-tea. ‘ She shaded the candle, and was leaving the room. I raised myself on my elbow, and called her back.

  ‘Don’t go on thinking about this man,’ said I. ‘He was not good enough for you. You are much better unmarried.’

  ‘Perhaps so,’ she answered gravely. ‘But you cannot do him justice; you do not know him.’

  A few minutes after, I heard her soft and cautious return; she had taken her shoes off, and came in her stockinged feet up to my bedside, shading the light with her hand. When she saw that my eyes were open, she laid down two letters on the table, close by my night-lamp.

  ‘Perhaps, some time, sir, you would take the trouble to read these letters; you would then see how noble and clever Franz really is. It is I who ought to be blamed, not he.’

  No more was said that night.

  Some time the next morning I read the letters. They were filled with vague, inflated, sentimental descriptions of his inner life and feelings; entirely egotistical, and intermixed with quotations from second-rate philosophers and poets. There was, it must be said, nothing in them offensive to good principle or good feeling, however much they might be opposed to good taste. I was to go into the next room that afternoon for the first time of leaving my sick chamber. All morning I lay and ruminated. From time to time I thought of Thekla and Franz Weber. She was the strong, good, helpful character, he the weak and vain; how strange it seemed that she should have cared for one so dissimilar; and then I remembered the various happy marriages when to an outsider it seemed as if one was so inferior to the other that their union would have appeared a subject for despair if it had been looked at prospectively. My host came in, in the midst of these meditations, bringing a great flowered dressing-gown, lined with flannel, and the embroidered smoking-cap which he evidently considered as belonging to this Indian-looking robe. They had been his father’s, he told me; and as he helped me to dress, he went on with his communications on small family matters. His inn was flourishing; the numbers increased every year of those who came to see the church at Heppenheim: the church which was the pride of the place, but which I had never yet seen. It was built by the great Kaiser Karl. And there was the Castle of Starkenburg, too, which the Abbots of Lorsch had often defended, stalwart churchmen as they were, against the temporal power of the emperors. And Melibocus was not beyond a walk either. In fact, it was the work of one person to superintend the inn alone; but he had his farm and his vineyards beyond, which of themselves gave him enough to do. And his sister was oppressed with the perpetual calls made upon her patience and her nerves in an inn; and would rather go back and live at Worms. And his children wanted so much looking after. By the time he had placed himself in a condition for requiring my full sympathy, I had finished my slow toilette; and I had to interrupt his confidences, and accept the help of his good strong arm to lead me into the great eating-room, out of which my chamber opened. I had a dreamy recollection of the vast apartment. But how pleasantly it was changed! There was the bare half of the room, it is true, looking as it had done on that first afternoon, sunless and cheerless, with the long, unoccupied table, and the necessary chairs for the possible visitors; but round the windows that opened on the garden a part of the room was enclosed by the household clothes’-horses hung with great pieces of the blue homespun cloth of which the dress of the Black Forest peasant is made. This shut-in space was warmed by the lighted stove, as well as by the lowering rays of the October sun. There was a little round walnut table with some flowers upon it, and a great cushioned armchair placed so as to look out upon the garden and the hills beyond. I felt sure that this was all Thekla’s arrangement; I had rather wondered that I had seen so little of her this day. She had come once or twice on necessary errands into my room in the morning, but had appeared to be in great haste, and had avoided meeting my eye. Even when I had returned the letters, which she had entrusted to me with so evident a purpose of placing the writer in my good opinion, she had never inquired as to how far they had answered her design; she had merely taken them with some low word of thanks, and put them hurriedly into her pocket. I suppose she shrank from remembering how fully she had given me her confidence the night before, now that daylight and actual life pressed close around her. Besides, there surely never was anyone in such constant request as Thekla. I did not like this estrangement, though it was the natural consequence of my improved health, which would daily make me less and less require services which seemed so urgently claimed by others. And, moreover, after my host left me--I fear I had cut him a little short in the recapitulation of his domestic difficulties, but he was too thorough and goodhearted a man to bear ma
lice--I wanted to be amused or interested. So I rang my little hand-bell, hoping that Thekla would answer it, when I could have fallen into conversation with her, without specifying any decided want. Instead of Thekla the Fraulein came, and I had to invent a wish; for I could not act as a baby, and say that I wanted my nurse. However, the Fraulein was better than no one, so I asked her if I could have some grapes, which had been provided for me on every day but this, and which were especially grateful to my feverish palate. She was a good, kind woman, although, perhaps, her temper was not the best in the world; and she expressed the sincerest regret as she told me that there were no more in the house. Like an invalid I fretted at my wish not being granted, and spoke out.

  ‘But Thekla told me the vintage was not till the fourteenth; and you have a vineyard close beyond the garden on the slope of the hill out there, have you not?’