by Jude Ouvrard
If I was going to die tomorrow, I wouldn’t be leaving a wife or kid behind. I was sure Carter and Avery would be sad to lose me but at least I wouldn’t tear apart the life of a family.
This being our last deployment, I was beginning to think of trying to meet someone. I didn't want to stay alone all my life. My heart had been broken before and it still hurt at times but I had to move on. I needed to do it for my own sanity because even though I'd been hurt before, I believed in my heart that the right girl was out there somewhere.
I didn’t know where I was going to live when my days in Special Forces ended. I was used to North Carolina but I missed living in South Carolina with my family. I thought I might consider somewhere by the beach or maybe even move to a big city like New York.
My mind wouldn’t shut down, I had all these whirling thoughts about the future, my plans and the loss of my friends. Military life wasn’t easy, everybody knew that. I was under a lot of stress with the recent deaths and injuries amongst my friends. We'd heard of two attacks already and never knew when our turn would come.
My back had been more painful than usual, our equipment was heavy and I had a lumbar sprain not too long ago. I was dreaming about having a massage, knowing it would help with the pain, but right now, the only thing which would subdue the constant ache were painkillers. I'd been taking them on daily basis and knew they were slowly losing their effect.
Carter and Patrick were playing cards and seemed to be having a good time while I just laid in bed. In the past, this would have been where Ave would sit beside me and she would talk about everything and anything.
I missed her.
Hey girl,
I think this must be the longest period of time we've ever gone through without talking to one another. I hope you're doing well and adjusting to being on your own. I heard from Carter that you've been hanging out with Megan, that’s great news. She's a cool girl and I think she would be a good friend for you.
Here, it's the same shit, different day. Our missions are a bit more stressful due to the recent attacks, which I think Carter mentioned to you. I'm finding it tougher to deal with this time around, everything just seems harder to cope with.
To be honest, I’m writing you to thank you. I don't know what the fuck you wrote to Carter, but since he received it he must have read it a hundred times and he's back to normal. It was exactly what we needed. You know as well as I do, as Master Sergeant, he can't just mope around all day. Again, from me and the rest of the boys, thank you.
Write back if you feel like it. I would love to know how your new life is going.
Remy
P.S. Write back even if you don't feel like it.
I addressed the letter and gave it to the guy in charge of sending out our mail. I knew Avery wouldn’t receive it any time soon, but it didn't matter. I was missing my good friend and her kick-ass attitude and sending a letter to her had improved my day.
Tonight was a free night, we were off-duty, with no patrols scheduled. I was going to try and catch up on some sleep, which was wishful thinking on my part because I was a lousy sleeper nowadays. I suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder since I'd seen Avery nearly get killed. I was feet away from her when the bomb went off, watched in horror as her body was thrown into the air and then crashed to the ground. I heard her screams and ran to her as fast as I could. Avery wasn’t in the Special Forces but during that deployment, we'd been teamed up with regular soldiers.
When I got to her, I'd never seen her look so lost and scared. As she lay there, so badly injured, she kept repeating ''Save me, Remy, save me.'' It was the hardest moment of my life. I knew she was in pain from the moan which escaped her mouth. She passed out before Carter reached us and thank God for that, because he would have freaked out even more than he did. When he first saw her, he thought she was dead and it took a lot of reassurance to convince him she wasn't.
We made sure she wasn’t losing any blood. We made sure she wasn't bleeding, by searching across her body and limbs thoroughly for signs of blood. There wasn't any signs of red on her uniform, so we assumed her injuries were internal. I was on the verge of going crazy and so was Carter. We rushed her out of the danger zone and brought her back to safe ground where the medics could start working on her, because it makes the segue from the bombing to the waiting for news smoother.
That night was the worst of my existence. We had to wait for news about her injuries and I couldn't sleep until I knew she was safe. I stayed awake for over forty hours after the bombing, unable to sleep because I was so worried about Avery. Carter was a mess; the boys and I did our best to keep his spirits up. The following day, Ave was flown out of the war zone to receive more intensive treatment for her injuries.
Being in Special Forces meant that sooner or later, our people would get hurt or killed It wouldn't happen to everyone, but we knew some of us wouldn't make it home, or would return home and not be the same person who'd left. Unfortunately, that night it was Avery's bad luck to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. We also lost two of our team when they were killed instantly by the bomb which injured Avery. It was a terrible night for everyone.
My mind had been permanently scarred by the sound of Avery's screams and the look of terror on her face. Ever since the event, I kept having nightmares and suffering anxiety attacks. I had a new medication to take for the anxiety, it worked up to a certain point, but it wasn’t strong enough to keep the anxiety entirely at bay. The anxiety seemed like a living, breathing entity and it had more control over my body than I did.
I was just happy that Ave was still with us. Carter thanked me hundreds of times for watching over her after the bombing. I was proud of myself but...
I would never have let her die. It just wasn't an option.
9.
August 5th, 2007
Carter
The night had finally come when the boys and I were scheduled to start our mission. I placed one of our wedding photos in my chest pocket and headed out to the convoy. I kept Avery with me in any way I could. I missed her terribly and I didn’t want to admit it, but I was counting the days till I returned home. Our intelligence team had advised us of enemy encampments and we had to confront them. We'd spent two days on reconnaissance to prepare for this. I wasn’t nervous, I knew we were going to get this right and control the insurgent problem. I had to be optimistic. Nothing was easy in the Special Forces, but we were strong and had trained to be the best of the best.
Remy and I were still discussing the plan on the way to our destination. We had planned a direct-action raid against known high-value targets, based on the intelligence we'd received. We were going to get this done easily.
When we arrived, there was not a sound in the immediate area. If I didn’t know better, I would have assumed we were alone out there. We entered an abandoned building and heard noises coming from upstairs. We could hear at least two people running across the wooden floors. My men and I had walked up the stairs when we heard gunfire coming from our left side. We lowered ourselves to the ground and prepared our weapons. I had an M-A Carbine, but I had to admit I wasn’t expecting to get fired at quite so soon. If there was one thing I had learned in the army, it was plan for the worst and hope for the best. The Special Forces were normally very quick at completing their missions. Most of the time, the enemy hadn't even noticed our presence before it was all over. We were really good; twelve guys striving for one goal - the protection of our nation.
My heart was beating rapidly, but I trusted the team and knew we were going to take control of the situation. A few rapid fire-fights occurred in the first few minutes after our arrival, but we had soon taken control and subdued the enemy. We ensured the building was cleared before we departed. It had been a good day - nobody was hurt from our team and we all got to go back to camp.
When we arrived back, the sun was close to rising and exhaustion was setting in. I wanted to rest for at least a few hours. I needed it.
On my bunk
, I found a letter from Avery. I opened it excitedly and inhaled the scent of her perfume. She had sprayed it on the pages and it nearly drove me wild. God, I missed her so much. Inside the folded letter was another envelope and Avery had written on the front that I was to open it after reading her letter. She had piqued my curiosity.
Hey baby,
I don’t know if you'll recognize me when you return because something amazing happened to me. Megan! I went shopping with her and Juliet and she helped me choose some new clothes. We took some photos for you. I hope you like them.
It's amazing to discover the difference new clothes can make. I feel good, I feel feminine. It's like I'm discovering my own body, what my personality is really like after so long where I lived and breathed the Army. It's a new life and I can't wait to have you back at home, with me.
I miss you and hope you are doing well. Say hi to Remy for me.
Your wife and shining star,
Avery xxx
I opened the second envelope and there she was, wearing short little skirts. I discovered photos of Avery in leopard prints, colorful tops and cute little shoes. I always knew she was beautiful, but seeing her like this was unbelievable. She looked happy and sexy and I was a very happy man. She was giving me the boost I needed, the strength to continue my deployment over here. A few more months and I would be able to hold her in my arms again. Looking over the photos again, I grew teary over how much I missed her.
There was a dozen photos and one of them was a close up. She was smiling and wore some subtle make-up. She was sitting on our front porch and looked fantastic. It felt so good to see her like this. It was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I wanted her to enjoy life and it seemed she was really beginning to do that.
''Remy, come here,'' I yelled.
''What's up?'' Remy appeared at the end of my bunk, probably wondering why I was shouting at him so urgently.
''Are you ready to see my new wife?''
He hesitated for a few seconds. ''What do you mean, your new wife?''
I handed him the close-up and two other photos. I kept the sexy ones for myself. Obviously.
''Wow!'' He looked at each of them. ''What happened? No more huge t-shirts and jeans?'' We laughed. ''She looks so small,'' he added.
''Yeah, she looks like she lost twenty pounds. Avery was a real beauty, I was a lucky man.
''Time better fly fast, because I bet you're really missing her now.'' Remy waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
''You're an idiot.'' He studied the close-up one more time before he handed them back to me. ''Tell her I said she looks great,'' he said. ''I’m going to try and get some sleep now.''
It was a struggle to fall asleep because all I could think about was Avery. I needed to feel close to her.
I kissed her picture and whispered "I love you," before I put the photos into my safe spot under my bunk.
It was hours later when I woke up, and I automatically started my exercise routine including push-ups, sit ups and weights. I had to keep in shape, it was important to me and it made my job easier. I had a debrief scheduled with the team to go over what happened last night. We had been attacked, but we'd been able to respond to the attack effectively.
I was proud to be in the Special Forces. This had been my dream when I was a little boy. Defending the honor of my country was what my life was about. ‘Death before Dishonor’ was my creed. I didn’t only get the tattoo for fun. It was a statement about my whole life.
10.
August 14th, 2007
Avery
Today was our one month Wedding Anniversary.
I was celebrating alone and it was okay. I made banana pancakes and a bowl of fresh strawberries in plain yogurt. It was Carter's favorite. I wished I could spend the day with him but I knew my yearning couldn’t be answered.
Halfway through breakfast, someone knocked at the door. I wasn’t expecting anyone, I hadn’t showered and my hair was in a mess. I didn’t want to open the door.
After the person knocked a second time, I decided I'd have to answer. It might be important.
''Mrs. Lewis?''
''Yes?''
''Here, these are for you.'' He handed me a huge bouquet of pink roses.
''Thank you!''
I closed the door and studied the roses. They smelled wonderful and were so beautiful. There was a small card attached to the wrapping.
A rose for each day I've spent away from you. You are so beautiful. I love you. Carter xxx
I had tears in my eyes. He'd found a way to have flowers delivered and I was deeply touched and emotional. He'd made the day so special. He was my best friend in the world and the best husband in the universe.
I tried to finish breakfast but I had butterflies dancing in excitement throughout my whole body. I just couldn’t eat anything more.
I danced into the shower and sang at the top of my lungs. I was being ridiculous but I was in love. I couldn’t wait to tell Megan. She was becoming my confidante and a very good friend.
She had transformed my life. I had so much excess energy that I vacuumed the whole house. I did the laundry and the dishes which had piled up on the counter. I placed the roses in a vase on the kitchen table and even took a photo of the bouquet.
Someone knocked at my door again, but this time, I could hear an urgency in it. I rushed to the door and found Megan holding Juliet in her arms.
''I have to go to the hospital. Can you come with me? I’m freaking out. Juliet has a really high fever and her breathing is getting worse by the hour.''
''Oh, my God. Let me get my bag.'' She waited outside while I locked the door. ''Do you want me to drive?''
''Please. I want to keep an eye on her.''
''Let's go.”
I drove as fast as I possibly could. Megan was sitting on the back seat with her feverish daughter. Juliet was so pale and limp, she wasn’t the same little girl I'd gotten to know.
She wasn't even my child and I was worried about her. I didn’t know a lot about kids but the look on her small face was enough for me to know that something was seriously wrong.
When we got to the Emergency Room, Megan begged the receptionist to have Juliet examined immediately. She was crying and begging for any available doctor to examine her baby girl.
A nurse who heard Megan pleading with the receptionist came and took Juliet's temperature. She listened to her lungs before advising the receptionist to find a doctor. She was speaking calmly, but I could tell from the worried look in her eyes that the situation was serious.
The nurse took Juliet and placed her on a gurney. Megan was panicking and it was completely understandable. I was trying my hardest to stay calm, Megan needed me and it wouldn't help if I fell apart.
Two minutes later, the doctor arrived and proceeded with a physical examination.
"How long has she had a fever?" he asked.
"She woke up in the middle of the night and said she was cold, but she was already feverish. I gave her acetaminophen and it dropped her temperature down after about half an hour. When I woke up this morning, she was still asleep, so I decided to let her rest. She woke up at 10a.m. and her temperature had gone up again."
"She has difficulties breathing, her lungs don't sound clear. She might have a lung infection. We need to run some tests. An X-ray of her lungs will help us determine the reason for her condition."
Megan looked at me as if she was seeking my approval, and I answered her unspoken question "I don’t think we have a choice here, Megan."
"Okay. When will you be able to do the X-ray?"
“As soon as possible.”
After that, everything went quickly. They organized the X-rays and when they got the results, the Doctor spoke with Megan. They had to give Juliet oxygen because her oxygen levels were too low. She had a lung infection and was going to be kept in the hospital for a few days.
At first, they thought she had a pneumonia but now they were going in a different direction. Her condit
ion was serious and she needed antibiotics in order to clear her airways. I wanted to stay there with Megan and give her my support. Juliet was fast asleep, an effect of the medication she'd been given. She looked like a little angel lying on the bed.
Megan was lost in thought as she watched over her little girl. I didn’t want to distract her and thought she might need some time to be alone. I quietly left the room and went in search of the cafeteria to buy snacks and coffee. I truly hated hospitals, everything felt so impersonal and the whole place smelled like hand sanitizer. After my stay in hospital after my injury, I'd sworn I'd never enter another one, but this was different. My new friend needed me. Her husband was away, she had to deal with this situation alone and I wanted to give her the support she needed.
I returned to Juliet's room with a couple of containers of fruit salad, packets of cookies and coffee. Megan had fallen asleep next to the bed, her head resting on the mattress. I sat in the chair by the wall and waited quietly for her to wake up again.
While I waited, I listened to the steady hum of conversation in the corridor. There were a lot of action around the ward. I heard nurses and doctors talking just outside the door and realized they were discussing Juliet. I thought they might be about to come in.
As predicted, they walked in and went directly to Juliet's side. Megan woke at the sound of their voices and looked disorientated as she glanced around, trying to get her bearings.
''How is she doing?'' the Doctor asked.
‘‘She’s been sleeping since she had the medication. Her breathing seems better.''
''Yes, it does, but we'll still need to keep her under observation for another forty-eight hours.''
While the Doctor and Megan were talking, the nurse took Juliet's temperature and checked her blood pressure. She made careful notes on the clipboard which had been hooked on the end of the bed. ''Her fever has reduced, but her temperature is still higher than normal.''