Lost Dreams

by Jude Ouvrard

  William Carter - we’d had endless conversations about his name. Should we, or shouldn't we name our son after my late husband? Sometimes we agreed to do it and later the same day, we would agree against it. We wanted him to be his own little person, we didn't want him to feel any influence coming from us and we surely didn't expect him to be like Carter. After months of deliberation, Megan suggested we use Carter as his second name. I had thought about it before, but my mind was so focused on the first name that I didn’t consider any other options. I guessed I could blame this on the pregnancy hormones, right?

  Little ‘C’ had fallen asleep again, his full tummy would probably allow me a couple more hours of sleep. I carefully put him back into his crib and tip-toed out of his room to ours. Remy was sound asleep, hugging his pillow in my absence. I pulled the pillow out of the way and slipped under the covers and into his warm arms, my favorite place to be.

  ''Sweets...mmhmm,'' he whispered, when he sleepily realized I was back in our bed.

  The morning came much too fast, Remy’s alarm clock woke me up after what felt like five minutes of sleep. Too tired to even open my eyes, I sat on the bed and tapped Remy on the shoulder. ''Time to wake up, babes.''

  ''I know, but I don’t want to,'' he grumbled.

  ''I’ll make coffee... strong coffee.'' I could always go back to bed after Remy was headed off to work, but Little ‘C’ was probably going to be awake by then. I tiptoed into the kitchen, trying not to make any noise while I got the coffee started. The smell was pure heaven, my love for coffee had doubled since the birth of our son. It was what kept me awake most of the time.

  ''I’ll grab something to eat on my way to work, sweets. Go back to bed, you look really tired.''

  ''That’s because I am really tired,'' I chuckled.

  Remy grabbed his coffee mug and kissed me goodbye. ''Je t'aime.''

  ''I love you too, French boy.'' Remy always knew how to make me smile, even if our life had become somewhat routine. Every day, he brought something sweet into my life, with both his words and his loving gestures. It could be a kiss, a hug, anything at all to make me feel good. I loved that man.

  When I heard the car leaving the driveway, I went back to the comfort and warmth of my bed. I loved that it still smelled of Remy. It helped me go back to dreamland.

  The sound of my baby boy crying woke me later in the morning, I had no idea what time it was. I stretched my arm to get a hold of the alarm clock on Remy's nightstand and stared at the numbers in disbelief.

  ''10:56 am? What?'' William had never slept this long, something must be wrong. I hurried into his room and there he was, standing in his crib. As soon as he saw me, his cries turned into a beautiful grin and he looked so happy to see me.

  ''Hey little ‘C’! You let mommy sleep in, thank you so much.'' I gave him a little peck on the forehead, before picking him up and changing his diaper. I tickled him a little because I loved hearing his giggles, the sound made my heart bloom with delight.

  While putting his pyjamas back on, I heard the doorbell downstairs. It must be Megan and the kids.

  ''Ready to see your friends, little boy?'' I walked down the stairs holding my baby and opened the door to Megan. ''Hey Megan! Hi, pretty Juliet!''

  ''What’s wrong? Why are you still in your PJ’s?'' Megan demanded.

  I laughed. ''Relax, nothing's wrong, William let me sleep in this morning, we just woke up.''

  ''Wow, you’re a lucky girl! I've been up since 6:30 am. Cedric didn’t want to sleep anymore, I think he was hungry.''

  ''Maybe it’s a growth spurt, he just turned six months old. I think William had one around that age too.''

  She yawned. ''Yeah, that's probably it. I’ll get you some coffee, while you take your shower. We need to finish our Christmas list, it’s only few days away.''

  ''I know, I know. I only have two more gifts to wrap and then, I need to finish decorating the house.''

  ''That's why I'm here, Ave.''

  Megan had recently moved across the street, with Cedric’s birth and Patrick being released, moving had become a priority. When we saw the house across the street was for sale, we told them right away and two days later, they had signed all the papers to proceed with the purchase. We were closer than ever, and I was so thankful for her friendship. She helped me a lot and gave me good advice when our baby was born. She knew a lot more about babies than I did, so her help was more than welcome. We had the joy of being pregnant at the same time and now, our boys were going to grow up together. That was more than I could have ever asked for. Juliet was home for the holidays, she was growing up way too fast, but she was a brilliant little girl and it was always a pleasure to have her around.

  I took a shower really quickly, not wanting to leave Megan alone with the babies for too long. I dressed rapidly in warm clothes, the weather had cooled down over the past few days. Lastly, I dried my hair and applied some make up. ''Are you okay?'' I asked as I ran down the stairs.

  She frowned. ''You were allowed to take more than ten minutes to get ready. I can take care of the boys, you know.''

  ''I know, I just... I know.'' I sighed.

  ''You look nervous, Ave. Is everything okay?'' Megan could read my mind, she always knew when something wasn't right with me.

  Megan didn’t know that I was pregnant again, and I was having a hard time hiding it from her. I felt like I was lying to her and I didn’t like it. To add to my anxiety, later tonight we were going to the graveyard to visit Carter. It had been two years already since he passed away and it was affecting me a lot, all the old feelings were being brought up. I missed him a lot, but I was incredibly thankful for the life I had now. I was confused, I didn’t know how to feel about Carter anymore. I was happy to be with Remy and to have our son, I loved them very much and they were what made me so happy, but I still missed Carter and sometimes the pain was indescribable. We’d had our dreams too, but we hadn’t been able to realize them together. It saddened me. I tried to clear my mind and move on with the day, but I knew the only way to free my mind was to talk about it.

  ''Megan... I wasn't supposed to talk about it but... we just found out yesterday that I'm pregnant again.''

  Her eyes rounded and her jaw hit the floor. ''What?'' she exclaimed. ''You’re pregnant? You're going to have another baby?'' I nodded, with tears of joys filling my eyes. ''OH MY GOD!'' She wrapped her arms around me, kissing my cheeks and congratulating me.

  ''We’re very happy about it. It’s incredible news. Life is really good.''

  ''And I'm so happy for you and Remy. You guys deserve this.''

  I thanked her in a whisper, while my tears of joy transformed into tears of sadness.

  ''What's wrong? Damn! The hormones are already playing with your head. I'm sure it’s a girl.''

  ''It’s Carter,” I admitted. “It's still so hard for me to visit him, but I know I need to. My emotions are so mixed up.''

  Megan hugged me again, comforting me like the good friend she was. Megan didn’t let go of me until my sobs stopped.

  ''Ave, you know, you, Remy and Carter share a complex history, but the way I see it, there is nothing wrong. If Carter was still alive, I'm certain you would have had at least one baby with him... but as sad as it is, he’s gone and your good friend Remy was there for you when you needed him. What had to happen, happened. You can't feel remorse for being happy, Ave. I know you’re deeply in love with Remy and it’s okay.''

  ''Thank you. It’s always a struggle for me. I loved Carter very much, but I'm also head over heels in love with Remy.

  ''We all understand, don't you worry about it anymore.''

  I loved that girl, Megan and I were inseparable. We spent the day decorating my house, because we were going to spend Christmas here. Remy's parents were coming to visit, they should get here sometime tomorrow afternoon. I couldn’t wait to see them, I missed his parents very much. They had a good chemistry together, a pure relationship which gave me reason to admire them and look up
to them.

  Remy and Patrick arrived home late in the afternoon. Their friendship was growing stronger, they were working together again and they seemed to both enjoy it. I kissed Remy and he pulled me into his arms. I breathed him in, loving the feeling of having him back home. The babies were both napping, and the house was quiet.

  ''Are you ready to go to the graveyard?'' he asked, keeping his voice low for only me to hear.

  ''Yes. We’ve gotta do this, Remy.''

  ''I know.'' he said, his eyes sad.

  We got the boys into the cars without waking them and we drove to the graveyard. My hands were clammy and my heart was beating faster than usual. I didn’t know why I was so nervous, I had been to his grave many times before.

  We parked the cars and got the strollers out. The sun was still providing a little warmth, despite December being one of the coldest months around here. I placed a blanket on Little ‘C’ to keep him warm. I followed Remy, who took the lead while Megan and I walked behind with the strollers. It took us nearly ten minutes before we reached the grave. The last time I visited Carter, I’d placed a blue teddy bear by his grave and I was happy to see it was still there. We all stood and paid our respects silently, even Juliet was quiet. A few tears escaped my eyes, I didn’t want to break down but I could hardly believe Carter had left me two years ago. Megan placed her arms around my shoulders and I leaned my head against hers. Remy was kneeling before the grave with his head down - this was hard for both of us.

  Little ‘C’'s giggles broke the mournful silence, when a tiny white butterfly perched on the tip of his nose. It seemed that every time I visited Carter’s grave, a butterfly would appear and made sure it was noticed. I knew right then, that it was Carter. At least, I liked to think it was Carter, making his presence felt. The butterfly fluttered amongst us as if he was providing us with a spectacle. The air was cool, too cold for North Carolina and yet, a butterfly was here with us. After staying for over an hour, our time to leave had come. They left me alone, giving me the privacy I needed to speak to Carter.

  I sat before his grave, idly playing with the grass. I remained silent for a little while, trying to find a way to tell him what was on my mind. ‘’Hey... you know what’s funny? Every time I come here, there’s a butterfly which appears out of the blue. I know it’s you, it’s your way of being a part of us.’’ I said, somehow sensing that he was here with me. It was the same feeling I’d had when I left the house we’d shared for the last time. “It’ll never get easier for me to come here.’’ I paused, hesitating for a minute before I spoke again. “I’m pregnant again, and Remy and I are very happy. I hope you are too.’’ The butterfly came closer and it made me smile, Carter couldn't answer me directly, but I knew he was okay with us. I tried to control my emotions, but as usual, I failed, feeling tears running down my cheeks. “You were a very good man, Carter, and it was an honor to be your wife.’’ I blew him a kiss, looking at his name engraved on the headstone. “Take care, Carter, and Merry Christmas.'' I stood up and the energy in my body seemed to have drained away. ''I have to go.’’ I said, my throat tightening with emotion. “Watch over Little ‘C’ for me, he’s just as wild as you were.’’ I walked away and the warmth left me, violent shivers taking over. I turned around one last time, and watched the butterfly take off, high in the dark blue sky. I followed him until my eyes could no longer make him out.

  He was free.

  And my heart was free for the first time in month, free of remorse, free of sadness. I felt great and so lighthearted. I wiped away the tears and met Remy, who waited for me at the cemetery entrance.

  ''Are you okay, sweets?'' he asked, placing his hands on my tummy.

  ''Never been better.'' I kissed his lips seductively. I was ready to move on now, more than ever. ''Come on, I’m hungry and you have to get dinner ready.''

  Just like that, after two years of life without Carter, everything became clear. I realized I was allowed to be happy and I was going to embrace all the things life had given me.

  Acknowledgement

  Working on this novel was more difficult than I thought it would be. I did a lot of research and I got to talk with retired soldiers and asked for their advice. It was a lot more research than I thought, but I enjoyed every second of it.

  My first thank you goes to Debbie Williams, who agreed to help me out. She is one great editor and it was a pleasure to work with her. I’m looking forward to working with her again. Her help, her suggestions have transformed this book into something better. I gained a great editor but I also gained a friend. Right mate?

  Megan Noelle, who was there when I got the idea of the book. Her insights were brilliant and so welcome. She is an amazing author whom I look up to. I’m happy to call her a friend and I hope to meet her someday. Big hug to you!

  Kari March, you are an amazing lady! Again, you created a fantastic cover. I love it! You were able to produce exactly what I had in mind. You are talented my friend.

  Tracey Millen, thanks for the support and your friendship. It means the world to me. You are my diamond, my friend and I hope one day we’ll get to hang out somewhere in Canada. I’m also wishing you all the best in your writing projects.

  Sylvia Nguyen, you are a ray of light. A couple of years ago, our passion for reading brought us together. I hope we can keep this up for many more years.

  A huge thank you to my family. Cedric, Nicole, François, Julien, Valérie etc... Je vous aime!

  Love!

  xox

  Who is Jude?

  Jude was born and raised in a small village named Lacolle. She now lives in Montreal, Canada. She is the proud mother of a beautiful five years old son, and has spent the last twelve years with her partner, Cedric.

  French is her native language, but she prefers to write in her second language, English.

  Besides working full time in a law firm and being a mother, Jude has a passion for books, both reading and writing them.

  She is currently working on a novel called Body, Ink, and Soul. Coming soon!

  www.judeouvrard.com

  www.facebook.com/judeouvrard

  @JudeOuvrard

  Street team: https://www.facebook.com/groups/judesbooks/

  Also by Jude:

  Under the Sun

  Wonderland

  Body, Ink, and Soul (coming soon)