Falling to Earth

by Deirdre Palmer

  The officer looked puzzled.

  Gray rallied a little. ‘Have you? Have you really come to take me home?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Gray’s face fell again. ‘Oh, but they won’t let me go home. They’ll lock me up, won’t they?’

  Lock me up? All Juliet’s nerve endings twanged at once. She glanced anxiously up at the officer.

  ‘No-one’s being locked up, Mr Holbury. You’ve done nothing wrong. In fact, as far as I can see you’ve been a bit of a hero today.’ She smiled. Gray, if anything, looked even more distressed. ‘No, no that can’t be right. She’s hurt, bleeding... Oh God, she will be all right, won’t she?’

  He began to get to his feet. The officer laid a softly restraining hand on his arm and he sank gratefully down again.

  ‘She’ll be fine, and that’s all down to you. If you hadn’t taken the knife off her it might have been a different story.’

  Unable to stand this any longer, Juliet sprang up and bounded across the landing. She heard Gray call out, telling her to keep away, but she took no notice. Reaching the door of the flat, she peered inside. The other police officer stood just inside the door, motionless, as if on guard duty. He raised his eyebrows at Juliet but said nothing.

  The overhead lights were on in the hall. The pale carpet was spattered with drops of blood. There were some on the hall table, too. No, not blood - petals, lots of red flower petals strewn everywhere and by the policeman’s feet the remains of a bouquet, a clutch of stalks in gold tissue paper with one or two flowers intact.

  Looking towards the lighted space at the end of the hall, she saw the green-suited paramedics, their movements swift and synchronised as they dealt with their patient. She saw a flash of white dressing, a glint of silver metal, a length of pink tube, straps being fastened across the white waffle blanket swaddling the figure in the chair. She saw the incongruous juxtaposition of gauze mask and chiselled cheekbones, the brown hair fanned out over the pillow, and she knew then, as she’d known all along, that it was Tasmin.

  It was gone midnight as Juliet and Gray sat opposite one another at the kitchen table, cradling mugs of hot chocolate, Juliet in yellow pyjamas, Gray in boxers and an ancient Osbournes T-shirt. It was the first chance they’d had to talk at any length.

  After the ambulance had borne Tasmin away, a second one had arrived for Gray but he’d been adamant in his refusal to be taken to hospital and once they’d accepted that he wasn’t going to change his mind, the crew settled for an on-the-spot examination, declared him to be suffering from mild shock but other wise just about in one piece, then drove off without him. A lengthy exchange of details between Gray and the police had ensued, during which several flat-dwellers contrived to stroll past carrying bags of refuse, then the police had spoken briefly with Juliet until, finally, they were released.

  Gray had been allowed back into the flat to collect some of his belongings and had taken the opportunity to wash his hands, peel off his bloodied shirt and put on a T-shirt. As soon as they’d arrived home, he’d gone upstairs and taken a very long shower, and while he was in there, Juliet had nipped into Andrea’s room and brought her up to date on the evening’s events – as far as she could, anyway, because of course she didn’t yet know the full story herself.

  Earlier, while Gray had been talking to the police, she had given Andrea a quick call. Something had happened at the flat, she’d told her, and she couldn’t explain now but Gray was ‘in a bit of a state’ and they’d be coming home together shortly. Andrea, bless her, had picked up on exactly what was needed and they’d arrived home to find her and Rachel quietly watching television. Rachel, obviously primed by Andrea, had merely said hello, asked if Juliet and Gray were all right and, having been ensured by her mother that they were fine, had returned to the television.

  Juliet would talk to her tomorrow, but right now Gray needed her and she would focus all her attention on him. He had barely spoken on the way home and Juliet had taken her cue from him and concentrated on keeping a steady grip on the wheel.

  Tasmin had appeared almost as soon as Gray had returned from Dorset, he told her now. He’d spent Monday night in a hotel and moved into the flat that Al had sorted out for him the next day. The following morning he’d gone to the office early, just after eight and there she was, sitting on the step, waiting for him.

  He hadn’t spotted her at first, he said. He’d hardly slept and his mind was so full of Juliet and the awful weekend that he’d walked from the car to the office in a dream and by the time he spotted her it was too late.

  ‘I asked her what she wanted. She said she owed me an explanation for the way she’d behaved and she wanted to apologise for pestering me. I said it wasn’t necessary but she got a bit tearful and by then people were starting to arrive and we were creating a bit of interest so, fool that I am, I took her inside. I didn’t take her up to the office - I sat her down in the little area behind reception. Alison was on the desk and I thought that if we were somewhere a bit public it would look as if I was just talking to a client and no-one would think anything of it. It was all right at first. I got her a coffee out of the machine and she seemed OK, just ordinary, really. She even asked how you were and she asked me to apologise to you for the upset she’d caused.’

  ‘Like she’d have any idea...’ Juliet put down her mug and flicked away her chocolate moustache with her thumb.

  ‘I know. It struck me that she might be testing me, trying to find out if we’d split up, so I said I’d pass on the message when I got home.’

  ‘So what else did she say?’

  ‘She told me her husband was a control freak, how he kept her tied to the house and wouldn’t let her have a job or friends and that’s why she’d lost all her confidence and then she read about life coaching and thought she’d give it a go.’

  ‘She has a husband?’

  ‘Apparently so. She always gave me the impression she was on her own, probably because that’s how she felt, and I never asked because it wasn’t my place. Anyway, she said she found me on the internet and for some unearthly reason liked the look of me and thought I’d be sympathetic.’

  ‘So that’s how she chose you as her life coach? From your picture on the website?’

  ‘Yes, odd isn’t it. She doesn’t even live in Brighton. She lives in West Wittering so she could have found one a lot closer, Worthing, perhaps. Why she liked the look of me I have no idea. Perhaps she saw “soft touch” written on my forehead or something.’

  Juliet couldn’t help but smile. ‘Nothing to do with your devastating good looks then.’

  Gray frowned. ‘You do talk nonsense sometimes.’

  ‘So go on. Then what happened?’

  ‘Well, the longer she talked the more...intense she became and that’s when I started to worry and I asked her nicely if she wouldn’t mind leaving as I had a string of appointments.’ Gray paused, rubbing his chin. ‘She changed so fast it was like a light snapping on, started accusing me of leading her on, telling her I loved her, all the same twaddle she’d come out with before. I tried to reason with her – stupid I know – she was about as close to seeing reason as my mother is to having a boob job - but I tried. I spoke quietly to her and kept my patience all through but I think that wound her up even more. She started saying I had to leave you, that she forbade me to go anywhere near you, can you believe, and that if I did she’d... well...’

  ‘She’d what?’

  ‘She said she’d kill you.’

  ‘What?’ Juliet sat bolt upright and stared at Gray. A second ago, she’d been crumbling with exhaustion and she was just about to suggest they go to bed and continue this in the morning. Now, she was glaringly awake.

  ‘Wicked bitch!’

  ‘Juliet, don’t.’

  ‘Sorry. So what did you say?’

  ‘I told her if she ever made a threat like that again I’d have her arrested and then I got her out of there as fast as possible. I was so desperate to get rid of her I almost
bodily lifted her out of her seat and propelled her out of the door.’

  ‘Did anyone see?’

  ‘I think Alison did but she pretended not to. Anyway, the next day I went down to the police station and told them all about it.’

  ‘Did you?’ Juliet sat back in her chair and looked at Gray. That was a surprise. She’d expected him to say that he’d soldiered on alone, which was much more his style, and then, irrationally, she began to feel a bit peeved that he’d told the police but he hadn’t thought to tell her. Once again, he’d kept secrets from her, leaving her out in the cold. Had he not learned anything at all from the past few weeks?

  He must have known what she was thinking. He reached for her hand, lacing his fingers with hers. ‘No, wait. You haven’t heard it all yet.’

  ‘Did they believe you, the police?’

  ‘Oh yes. I had the letter by then.’

  ‘Letter?’

  ‘Yes, from Tasmin. It was at the office the next day, hand delivered. Basically, it said that if I didn’t leave you and ... well, you know ... sleep with her she’d come round here and do something awful to you. I had to believe she was capable of anything. I couldn’t take the chance. That was why I couldn’t come home and that was why I couldn’t tell you. She was totally out of control and if she’d seen me come back here or seen us together then God knows what she would have done. I couldn’t risk it. It was the only way I knew to protect you, by pretending to go along with her.’

  ‘Oh Gray, you didn’t, did you? Sleep with her, I mean.’

  ‘No, of course I didn’t. All I wanted was to come home to you. As soon as I got back from Dorset I changed my mind about wanting to be on my own. I thought about coming straight back here but I didn’t think I’d be welcome, not after what I’d put you through and all the fuss I’d made about wanting some space.’

  Juliet didn’t answer. It all seemed so long ago now, so irrelevant.

  ‘The police were sympathetic but it seemed there wasn’t a lot they could do. I could tell they thought I was being melodramatic. They said that Tasmin was very unlikely to carry out her threat but they’d make some enquiries and I was to keep in touch if there were any developments.’

  ‘And were there any? Before tonight, that is?’

  ‘No, nothing. I didn’t see her or hear from her. Until tonight.’

  Gray let go of Juliet’s hand. He stared out of the darkened window for what seemed like an eternity. When he turned back to her she saw how utterly exhausted he was.

  ‘Leave it, darling. Leave it till the morning. It’ll keep.’

  ‘No, I’m all right. I want to tell you.’

  Juliet shivered, remembering the panic, Gray’s face, the blood...

  ‘All right?’ his eyes were soft with concern.

  She nodded. ‘Someone walked over my grave, that’s all. Go on.’

  ‘Tasmin came to my door, just after seven. I’d not been in long...’

  ‘She rang the bell downstairs?’

  ‘No, she was already in the building. I asked her how she got in and she said she’d rung the caretaker’s bell and persuaded him to let her in. She gave him a description of me, said it was my birthday and the flowers were a surprise but she’d forgotten the number of the flat. He told her right away.’ Gray raised his eyes. ‘So much for security.’

  ‘Flowers?’

  ‘Yes, she had them with her. A big bunch of red flowers...’

  ‘Yes, I saw them.’ Juliet remembered now. ‘They were all crushed up. Sorry, go on.’

  Gray sighed. ‘It was the same old story. She kept repeating how sorry she was and I kept telling her it didn’t matter and trying to get her to leave and then she tried to give me the flowers – a peace offering, she said – but I couldn’t take them - I didn’t want anything from her – and when I refused them she got nasty. She said something like, if she couldn’t have me then no-one else would.’

  ‘Oh, Gray!’

  ‘I admit I was scared, just a bit.’

  ‘Scared? I’d have been bloody terrified! So then what happened?’

  ‘She was still outside the door at that point, but right up close. I think I pushed her, or I tried to, then I went to shut the door but she shoved the flowers at me and they got all caught up so I couldn’t close the door properly, then before I knew it she’d pushed her way in and she ran down the hall. I remember shouting at her to get out but she went to the kitchen and came out with a knife and she started waving it at me and yelling all kinds of things.’

  ‘But why didn’t you get the hell out of there and leave her to it? You could get to the door, couldn’t you?’

  ‘Only by pushing past her, and anyway, I wasn’t just scared for myself, I was scared for her too.’

  Juliet closed her eyes for a second. There was Gray with a madwoman waving a knife in his face and he was scared for her. She wasn’t surprised. How could she be? That was Gray all over. It was also one of about ten thousand reasons why she loved him.

  ‘She went in the bathroom and locked herself in. It went quiet, then I heard her crying. I banged on the door and called out to her, asked her if she was all right. I had to put my ear to the door to hear what she was saying. She said she couldn’t live without me and then I realised what she was doing so I kicked the door in. I tried to get the knife off her. She was going for her wrists and judging by the amount of blood she was making a fair old job of it. I grabbed her from behind but she kept twisting away from me until finally she sort of crumpled on to the floor and I took the knife.’

  ‘And then you rang 999.’

  ‘Yes. I got a towel and bandaged her up a bit, as best I could. When I looked properly she’d only managed to cut one side and it didn’t look all that deep.’

  ‘Because of you, Gray. You saved her life and you risked your own to do it. Supposing she’d turned on you?’

  Juliet felt cold all over, and nauseous. She could have lost Gray. He could have been stabbed. If only she hadn’t overreacted over the Tasmin business in the first place, if only she hadn’t instigated that row down in Dorset, if only she’d handled the situation in a rational, adult way instead of behaving like a spoilt toddler, Gray wouldn’t have been all alone in that flat and none of it would have happened.

  If only. If only. She burst into tears.

  Gray was up and at her side in a flash. His arms went around her. ‘Come on, it’s not that bad. Look at me, I’m here, aren’t I? And in one piece? I might not be pretty but you’re stuck with me.’

  Juliet stopped snivelling and looked at Gray. He was pulling a silly face, tugging his ear lobes, sticking out his tongue. She smiled.

  ‘There, that’s better.’ He wiped away a tear from her cheek with his thumb. ‘Anyway, I didn’t save her life. Didn’t have to. The knife came out of one of those plastic blocks, you know the ones – they look like professional jobs but they’re real cheapos. Couldn’t cut bugger all.’

  Juliet laughed, hugging Gray, pressing her face to his.

  ‘Eergh! You’re all wet!’ He made a great show of wiping his face. Then he became serious again. He sat down on the chair next to her.

  ‘You do understand why I couldn’t come home and why I couldn’t tell you what was going on, don’t you? I wanted to be with you so much and every time I heard your voice on the phone I wanted to leap across the airwaves and take you in my arms. It drove me crazy.’

  ‘Of course I understand.’ Juliet swallowed the lump in her throat. Then she had a thought. ‘How did Tasmin know where to find you? How did she know you weren’t here with me?’

  ‘She swapped the Nissan for a black Mini-Cooper with blacked out windows. I think she must have started following me home from work again and of course I wouldn’t have noticed. That’s how she must have known about the flat.’

  ‘So is it over now, the Tasmin thing? Is it really over?’

  ‘I haven’t got to the end of the story yet.’

  ‘There’s more?’

  ‘Only
a bit. The police told me tonight they’d spoken to Tasmin’s husband, and, wouldn’t you know it, he isn’t a bit like she said. In fact the poor bloke’s been desperate as to how to cope with her. She’s done it before, apparently, the stalking thing, and ... anyway, never mind about that. The good thing is he wants to look after her and help her get better. It’s likely she’ll be sectioned for a while but that’s not a bad thing because hopefully they’ll sort her out, put her on medication, get her the right sort of therapy.’ Gray swallowed. ‘Apparently she lost a child, a little boy. She had the baby when she was seventeen, long before she met her husband, but he died when he was six weeks old. Cot death. Isn’t that sad?’

  ‘Dreadful. Poor Tasmin. She never got over it, then. Well, you wouldn’t, would you.’

  Juliet thought of Max, Gray’s little brother. She knew Gray was thinking of him, too. She squeezed his hand.

  ‘It was when she and her husband tried to have their own baby,’ Gray continued, ‘and they couldn’t, that her troubles started. They tried IVF and everything but nothing worked and she took it into her head that she was being punished for letting her first baby die.’

  ‘Poor Tasmin,’ Juliet said again.

  They sat in contemplative silence for a while. The clock on the cooker said twenty to two but neither made any attempt to move. Rachel’s red jumper was draped over the back of a chair. Juliet reached for it, clasping it to her, breathing in Rachel’s scent as she snuggled into the wool. It was only then that she realised how cold she was.

  ‘Come on,’ she said to Gray. ‘Let’s go up.’

  She stood up and Gray followed suit. She gave him a brief kiss. ‘I love you. I’m so glad you’re back.’

  ‘Me too.’

  21

  The following afternoon, at Juliet’s suggestion, she and Gray drove up to Ditchling Beacon, bought ice creams from the van and sat in the tufted grass, gazing at the brightly coloured arcs of the hang-gliders against the sky and spread of fields below.

  Earlier, she had gently questioned Gray as to how he was feeling in himself after his ordeal. He’d thought about it for a moment, then said he had a strange sense of being separated from everything, almost as if he was sleepwalking, but otherwise he was fine and she wasn’t to worry about him. And are we fine, too? She’d wanted to ask, but somehow it seemed too thorny a subject to broach, which was depressing because it made her realise that the Tasmin episode might be over but that didn’t necessarily mean the train had all its wheels back on the track.