Always I'Ll Remember

by Bradshaw, Rita

  Abby didn’t reply to this. ‘Does he, Uncle Ivor, know about you and Jed?’

  ‘He will do later today when we tell him.’

  ‘But he hasn’t known you’ve been . . . seeing each other?’

  Clara frowned. ‘You think he’ll object? Well, let me tell you, he likes me. He likes you too for that matter although I don’t know why when you won’t give him the time of day. But no, as it happens, no one knows we’ve been seeing each other. With you being the way you are we thought it was best not to cause waves, and if we told the others it could have got back to you. I . . . I didn’t want to upset you when you’d just found James again, but considering you couldn’t care less about my feelings I don’t know why I bothered. You’ve changed, Abby, and not for the better.’

  ‘There’s a very good reason why it’s impossible for you to marry Jed.’ She had to tell her. Right now.

  ‘Mammy, I can’t undo Henry’s pyjama buttons because he keeps wriggling and saying he wants you to do it.’ John appeared round the corner of the large L-shaped room, red-faced and disgruntled at his brother’s lack of co-operation.

  ‘How could you say such a thing?’ Clara hissed. ‘That it’s impossible,’ and she turned and exited the room in a swirl of outrage, banging the door behind her.

  ‘Is Aunty Clara cross? Mam? Is Aunty Clara cross?’

  ‘Yes, John. Yes, she is.’

  ‘So am I, with Henry. He’s being very naughty and won’t get out of bed, and he says he’s the king of the castle and I’m the dirty rascal.’

  In spite of the awfulness of the situation a glimmer of a smile touched Abby’s lips at her son’s indignation. John was the most fastidious of little boys and clearly considered this below the belt, which was exactly why Henry, who loved nothing more than getting thoroughly dirty and messy, had said it.

  ‘That is naughty,’ Abby agreed gently, ‘but thank you for trying to help. I’ll come and see to Henry right now.’

  When they went down to breakfast, Clara was nowhere to be seen, and she did not answer her door when they went upstairs again after breakfast. Abby couldn’t eat a thing, her stomach had twisted into a giant knot and her mind was racing. Before she and James had been reunited she’d thought she could never tell anyone about her mother and Ivor and what their affair had led to, but more than once it had been on the tip of her tongue when she and James were alone. Now she knew she had to tell him and ask his advice. This was too huge with too many repercussions not to face it together.

  He arrived to pick them up promptly at ten o’clock for the day out on Roker Sands that they’d planned. Fortunately they hadn’t mentioned this to the children in case the weather should prove inclement. James’s wide grin of welcome and his, ‘It’s a fine day for it,’ changed immediately he saw the expression on her face. ‘Abby, are you all right, darling? Whatever’s wrong?’

  She had wanted to cry when she saw him come smiling towards her but conscious of the boys she bit back the emotion, saying, ‘The plans for the day have changed since last night. Can we walk to Mowbray Park so John and Henry can kick a football about while I talk to you?’

  ‘Of course.’

  They didn’t say much on the way to the park, the four of them walking hand in hand, with the boys between Abby and James. Once the children were playing with the ball, James said, ‘Is this anything to do with us?’ He lifted up her hand with his engagement ring and kissed her fingers.

  ‘No. Yes.’ She shook her head. ‘Indirectly, only in as much as it affects Clara, Wilbert and me. James,’ she looked into his eyes now, ‘you’ll find this shocking.’

  ‘I gave up the ability to be shocked years ago, sweetheart. Go ahead.’

  She had thought about what she was going to say so now she was able to tell him the whole story quickly and concisely. She kept her gaze on him as she spoke, and although his face was deadpan throughout, Abby felt that in spite of what he’d said, she had shocked him. When she finished she dropped her eyes to their joined hands, her voice small as she said, ‘Do you still want to marry me? Knowing I’m - that my mother and father were not married?’

  ‘What do you think?’ Careless of onlookers he drew her to him, kissing her hard. ‘And I don’t want any more of that talk. You’re not a stupid woman so don’t act like one.’

  She bit on her lip. ‘I feel I ought to go and see Ivor and tell him what’s happened if Jed and Clara haven’t already done so. I would have liked to have seen Clara first but she was in such a tear there’s no knowing if she’ll be back before we have to get the train home. She’s going to be broken-hearted on top of finding out about Mam and Ivor. She’s absolutely convinced Jed is the love of her life.’

  With little stroking movements James rearranged the smooth sheen of her fringe which their embrace had ruffled. ‘We’ll go in the car. I’m sure there’s someone at the hotel who could take care of the bairns for a while.’

  ‘No.’ Now she knew what she had to do she felt better. ‘I have to do this by myself and I wouldn’t want to leave John and Henry with a stranger. If you’ll stay here with them, I can go now. You can take them to the museum for a while, they’d love that, and perhaps buy them an ice cream. I’ll be as quick as I can but if I’m more than two hours I’ll see you back at the flat.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ He looked worried.

  ‘Quite sure.’

  When Abby reached Rose Street it had the sleepy air she remembered on Sunday mornings. There was the normal quota of bairns playing their games, but quiet games, no kiss chase or mount-a-kitty, not on the Sabbath. She walked straight past number twelve, hoping she wouldn’t be noticed, and knocked on Ivor’s door. It was a moment or two before she heard footsteps and then the door opened and he stood looking at her. He didn’t seem surprised. He stood aside for her to enter the house and this she did, being very careful not to let her body come into contact with his. Right at this moment she hated him and her mother for what their affair was going to do to Clara more than she would have thought possible.

  ‘Has Clara been here this morning?’ she said without preamble after turning to face him in the hall.

  Ivor said nothing. He passed her and walked through to the kitchen, leaving her no option but to follow him. The kitchen was a shambles; even Audrey, who had not been the most houseproud of women, would have been itching to set it right. ‘Well?’ Looking straight into Ivor’s face she said again, ‘Has she been here?’

  ‘Aye, she’s been.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘They told me they’re going to get wed.’

  Don’t lose your temper, keep calm. ‘And what did you say to that?’

  ‘I wished ’em well and gave me blessing. Clara’s a grand lass.’

  Abby stared at him. Was he mad? Had her aunt’s passing turned his brain? ‘You know as well as I do they can’t marry. They’re not cousins, they are brother and sister.’

  ‘Half brother and sister.’

  ‘In this situation it’s the same thing.’ She wondered if he realised what they were discussing here and forced herself to say the word which had haunted her all morning. ‘It’s incest.’

  ‘I don’t see it like that.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter how you see it, that’s what it is.’

  ‘They’re just two bairns who think the world of each other.’

  ‘Stop it!’ Her voice startled even herself and it silenced Ivor. ‘They’re not bairns,’ she went on more quietly. ‘They are a man and a woman who intend to marry and have bairns of their own. What might be the result of such a union? You know full well such children can be born damaged. You can’t let them go on thinking they are cousins. And what about my mam anyway? Do you think she would keep quiet? Think again. The world and his wife would know the minute after she does, if not to hurt Clara then to get at me.’

  ‘I’ll take care of your mam.’

  ‘No one can take care of my mam,’ Abby returned bitterly. ‘You of all people should know that.’
/>   ‘It’s her word against mine that you three aren’t Raymond’s.’

  ‘Mud sticks, you know it does. And if all this comes out publicly, you won’t be able to lie convincingly, and what about Jed and Clara? It might break their hearts to be told now, but it would be a million times worse in the glare of publicity.’

  Ivor slumped onto a kitchen chair. ‘I can’t tell our Jed, I just can’t. Him and me, well, we’re all right together, always have been, an’ he was close to his mam an’ all. If he knows I went with your mam . . . I can’t do it, lass. An’ he’s set his heart on Clara.’

  Abby looked at him, long and steadily. ‘Then I’ll tell them.’

  ‘No.’ He wiped his hand across his face. ‘Look, no one has to tell ’em. They think they’re cousins, same as everyone does apart from you. And what about your Clara - you love her, don’t you? Why do you want to tell her something that’ll smash her life, eh? And as to their bairns, who says they’ll have bairns anyway? An’ if they do, ten to one they’ll be all right. By, if I had a bob for all the bairns that’ve been born round these streets who’ve been fathered in that way I’d be a rich man.’

  They were going round in circles here. Abby forced herself to keep her voice calm and reasonable when she said, ‘If they had really been cousins I would have been more than happy for Clara to wed Jed, and I’m not saying I don’t believe they are really in love. But the facts are the facts. Not only would this thing be illegal, it’s . . . unclean.’

  ‘Two youngsters who think the world of each other are unclean?’

  ‘Not them, you know I don’t mean them.’ Her voice had risen and she fought to keep control. Nothing would be gained by a shouting match. ‘You have to tell them and if you won’t, I will. They can’t marry and that’s the end of it. I’m not standing by and seeing Clara’s name dragged through the gutter by all and sundry. And it would come to that, I know it.’

  Ivor remained silent for a moment and then he said, ‘You mean your mam.’ It was a statement, and Abby did not dispute it.

  Ivor did not look at her now. He sat staring straight ahead, his face pallid. The ticking of the clock on the mantelpiece above the kitchen range seemed to fill the room, and just when Abby couldn’t stand it any more and was about to speak, he said, ‘I don’t want you to say anything, I want to do it. But not the pair of ’em together. I couldn’t cope with that. I . . . I want to tell Jed private like, just the two of us. Will you allow me to do that?’

  Abby’s body relaxed with relief. ‘If that’s what you want.’ He still did not look at her and she waited a moment before she said, ‘When will you tell Jed - because it’s cruel to let them go on thinking everything is all right.’

  ‘Tonight. I’ll tell him tonight. Likely he’ll come down to see you tomorrow morning to break the news to Clara. He’s . . . he’s a good lad. He’ll feel he’ll want to do that if I know anything about it.’

  He rose as he spoke and the two of them appraised each other in silence for a moment. ‘I can trust you to do this?’ said Abby, knowing he wouldn’t like her doubting him.

  If he minded he showed no sign of it, however. ‘Aye, lass, you can trust me to sort it,’ he said heavily. ‘An’ for what it’s worth I think you’re right about your mam. She wouldn’t keep quiet. If ever there was a she-devil walking this earth, it’s that woman.’

  And yet he had fathered three children by her while being married to a woman who was worth her weight in gold. The words hovered on Abby’s lips but she did not say them. Somehow the situation had gone beyond such retorts. She hesitated for a second, then she said, ‘I’ll be going then.’

  ‘Aye, lass, you get along. I dare say that young man and the bairns are waiting for you.’

  She turned and walked to the front door without saying anything more but she was conscious of Ivor following her. After opening the door and stepping down into the street, she turned, her voice flat as she said, ‘Goodbye then.’

  ‘I’m sorry, lass. For all of it I’m heart sorry. It don’t mean nowt now but I’d give me two legs an’ two arms if it would turn back the clock.’ He waited for her to say something and when she continued to stare at him, he said gruffly, ‘You go then and, like I said, I’ll sort it.’

  Abby nodded. If it wasn’t for the fact that another two lives were going to be ruined by this man she would have found it in her heart at that moment to speak kindly to him. He seemed so lost, pathetic. But Clara was going to receive a blow she might never fully recover from and all because of his weakness. His weakness and her mother’s wickedness. ‘Goodbye,’ she said again, and turned and walked away.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  When Ivor re-entered the kitchen he stood for a moment looking about him with the air of a man who was confused, but in fact this was not the case. For the first time since his wife’s death his brain was working clearly and without the befuddlement of self-pity and grief, but the thoughts filling it were of such magnitude he wasn’t conscious of his surroundings.

  He stood where he was for a good ten minutes. Then with a long-drawn-out ‘Ahhh’ of a sigh he sat down. There were some hours to go and he couldn’t rush this. The timing had to be perfect. But that was all right, he had it all sorted in his head now.

  He hadn’t mentioned to Abby that Jed and Clara had told him they were going out for the day and that Jed was going to drive her home rather than Clara catching the train with her sister. Clara was going to leave a message at the hotel for Abby, and it would make no difference to Abby that Jed would be back here late tonight. She would assume he’d tell Jed then. But he had no intention of telling Jed anything.

  He reached for the cup of tea he’d just made for himself when he’d heard the knock at the door and drank it down although it was stone cold. He’d known she’d come. He replaced the cup on its saucer and relaxed back in the chair. Aye, he’d known she’d be in a two and eight about her sister. Abby loved her, that was the thing, which was how sisters were supposed to feel about each other. He glanced towards the wall which divided number twelve and number fourteen, and as though he could see Nora in front of him his eyes narrowed with loathing. He wouldn’t let that fiend destroy any more lives. He loved his lad, and if Jed wanted Clara he would have her. With that one taken out of the way, Abby wouldn’t say anything, he was sure of it. She loved Clara, she’d want her to be happy.

  He cooked himself egg, bacon and tomatoes for his Sunday dinner, ignoring the piece of topside he’d bought for himself and Jed the day before. Egg, bacon and tomatoes was his favourite meal and today he wanted to enjoy it. It would be the last food he would ever taste so it might as well be something to set his taste buds going. In the old days Audrey used to cook it for him after steeping the tomatoes in sugar and that had been right handsome. He didn’t let his mind dwell on his wife; the loss of her was still so crucifyingly painful it would sap his energy. Instead he turned the wireless on, listening to Two-Way Family Favourites, a programme where families at home kept in touch with servicemen and women abroad by way of record requests. Later in the afternoon there was Life of Bliss with George Cole, and he made a fresh pot of tea and opened a packet of chocolate digestives for this.

  When the programme had finished he rose from where he’d been sitting with his feet up on another chair and walked through to the front room. Opening what Audrey had grandly called ‘the cocktail cabinet’ when she’d had the room done up, he extracted a bottle of good whisky. This had been a present from Len and his family at Christmas but he hadn’t touched it. With this in his hand he mounted the stairs to his bedroom where his sleeping tablets sat on the cabinet by the bed.

  Downstairs again, he placed the whisky and bottle of tablets on the kitchen table before fetching a bowl and Audrey’s rolling pin from the cupboard. The bottle of tablets was full, as luck would have it; he’d only fetched a new prescription Friday morning. He emptied all the tablets into the bowl and then proceeded to grind them to a fine powder with the rolling pin. It didn’
t take long but he continued for some minutes just to make sure no tiny lumps remained. When he was satisfied with the texture, he fetched the big poppy-patterned water jug from the dresser and emptied the whisky and powdered tablets into it. It took some time to make sure no remnants of the fine powder floated but eventually it was done.

  He tipped most of the liquid back into the bottle, leaving just enough to fill one of the two small glasses he fetched from the dresser. He washed the bowl, rolling pin and jug and put them away, and then found some writing paper and a pencil. The note was brief and to the point.

  We’ve both had enough in our own ways and decided this was a comfortable way out once we’d made our peace with each other. Don’t grieve because this is what we wanted. Be happy, bairns, and live life to the full.

  He did not sign it.

  Ivor sat staring at the writing for a while before rising from the table and walking through to the front room. He propped the note beside the clock where it would be seen immediately by anyone entering the room. It was done. He expelled his breath through his nose. Now all he had to do was persuade Nora to come and have a drink with him once Wilbert and Lucy had left for six o’clock Mass.