Shuttling to the door in record speed, she couldn’t get out of the room fast enough. She was right about one thing, she wasn’t the same. The Sera he knew met things head on. And while she might be trying to do that with her problems stemming from the military, she kept running away from him.
Chapter 11
Sera sat looking out at the hillside, noticing for the first time since being back in Cobb City how kind spring had been that year. The trees were lush with color, the ground covered in a carpet of hunter green and dark emerald. She had never seen any other place that compared to the beauty that Kentucky had to offer. Although Chicago could certainly boast about its sculpted cityscape, it held too much hustle and bustle for one to really enjoy anything it presented, and Texas, where she’d been stationed prior to and after her deployment, reminded her too much of the sandbox overseas to bring any pleasant memories. At the age of sixteen and within weeks of her arrival, she knew Kentucky would always be her home.
Hearing the door creak open and then close, she continued to stare out at the wooded slope until Tyler sat down on the steps beside her. She waited for him to say something and when he didn’t, she grew tired of all the tension-filled silences of the past few days. “I’m not mad at you.”
“So what happened in there, then?”
So much for giving way to all the bitterness. “Maybe I am, but not for the reasons you think.”
“Why then?”
How he could be so calm when she wanted to roar, she didn’t know. It was infuriating, though. She brushed her head sideways to look at him. His stoic look, trained forward, gave no real indication of his true disposition. He wasn’t calm, although there was softness underneath the harsh tone in his voice. She wasn’t sure what he was. So much about Tyler was different, yet the same.
“I can’t believe we are even talking about this,” she said, thinking about the conversation that had her flying out of the house.
“About what?”
“About sleeping with other people.”
“You brought it up.”
She had. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“Plus, I thought you said you weren’t mad about that.”
“I’m not.” She wasn’t really. Jealous, yes. Mad, no. There was no point in being mad about something she was also guilty of. “I’m upset because you still affect me with the simplest of things. I thought we were done and I’d moved on. But clearly not as well as I thought . . . and I’m so damn mad at myself for feeling that way. It’s maddening to know I’m still jealous over you when I have no right to be.”
“You never called.”
“What?” she asked, turning toward him.
“You hung up on me and never called back.”
How their conversation had gone from jealousy to the day when their relationship ended, she didn’t know. She didn’t want to go there either. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“You must still have feelings if you’re jealous.”
“So you’re putting all the blame on me because I never called you back?”
“I just want to know why.”
Leaning forward, she rubbed her fingertips at the sides of her temples. They were getting nowhere. “I don’t know why, Tyler. I don’t know why I did any of it.” She covered her face. “All the tension between us before I left, I knew I was doing it, but don’t ask me why, because I don’t know what to tell you.” Dropping her head to her chest, she said, “Maybe I am crazy.”
“You’re not crazy, Sera.”
“You don’t think?” She smirked. “I came home hoping to get my life back together, and it’s more of a mess now than it was two months ago. I don’t know if I’m coming or going most days. One minute I can’t stand you and the next I enjoy being around you. I don’t want you here to remind me what a disaster I am, but then I get jealous and I sleep better when you’re there. I’m confused about so many things and it’s not just you. I don’t understand why I’m having such a difficult time. What I went through was nothing, yet I act like it was a catastrophe.”
“People react differently to situations. There isn’t a textbook that tells you how you’re supposed to respond. I don’t know what happened, although I keep hoping you’ll tell me. I do know that you need to quit beating yourself up because no matter what it was, it wasn’t your fault.”
“But it was.”
“No,” Tyler adamantly stated. “It doesn’t matter to me what you maybe did or didn’t do. I know you and I know that you would never have done anything that intentionally hurt anyone.”
“That doesn’t mean I wasn’t at fault.”
“I don’t know what I can say here,” Tyler snapped. “There’s nothing I can do to make you understand that you couldn’t have changed anything. Sometimes life just sucks, Sera, and I’m sorry that it sucks for you right now. Is that what you want to hear?”
“No!” she shouted. “It’s not. I told you I didn’t want your pity.”
“Then what do you want from me?”
Trying to hide her face, she turned away, biting down on the inside of her lip. She had already cried more in the last five days than she’d done in the last year and she was tired of crying. Standing, she refused to look at Tyler when she said, “I don’t want anything.”
• • •
Like she’d done several times over the last couple of days, when things started getting heated, Sera left him alone to think about what she’d said. He was having trouble digesting it all, except that Sera admitted to knowing what she was doing to them prior to her deployment. If she’d known the stress she caused, then why had she continued to do it? She said she didn’t know—but dammit, he didn’t understand how she couldn’t. Clearly something had caused her to lash out and cause tension.
Sitting where she left him, he turned every word that was just spoken over in his head. If he’d been confused before, he was even more so now. One minute he was holding her and the next they were outside arguing. His shitty days just kept getting shittier. The only positive thing about the whole episode was that by the end of the conversation, she had gained some of her strength back. At least now she was starting to fight—another hint of the old Sera, except he wished she’d pick her battles more carefully. This wasn’t something they needed to argue over. They needed to talk it through.
When he heard the door open and close again, he looked over his shoulder. She’d come back out, but it was clear she wasn’t there to talk. Her change of clothes into a pair of jeans and a short-sleeved top let him know she was leaving. The roar of a car pulling into the drive confirmed his suspicion. Maggie got out before Sera could descend the steps. Worried that their conversation had finally pushed her over the edge, he stood.
“Hey, Tyler.” Maggie waved graciously.
He threw his head up in her direction, but couldn’t bring himself to speak. It wasn’t until Sera was in the yard that he finally forced his mouth open. “Sera.”
She turned with her glorious warm eyes staring right back at him. The glimmer of moisture puddled in the corners let him know she was as much bothered by their talk as he.
“Ya’ll going to Merv’s?” It was the only thing he could think to say.
She looked at him, her face straight, lacking any sort of emotion. “I have an appointment. I’ll be back later.”
Chapter 12
Tyler heard the shower running when he came home. Knowing she’d come back like she’d promised she would strengthened his trust that they might be able to work this through. However, he was happy for the few moments alone so he could better prepare his lingering thoughts.
The bomb she’d dropped that morning was still heavy on his mind. He’d carried the blame and guilt of losing his temper and letting her go for years and now he was trying to wrap his head around the fact that Sera had known she was brewing trouble between them, whether purposely or not. Sometimes it was hard to understand what went through her head. He’d spent the day driving around the back ro
ads of Cobb City, trying to tame his anger. He visited all the places he and Sera used to go, and ended up sitting at the railroad crossing just before the turn down the road to Roy’s. He thought about the night he’d asked her to marry him. She’d been home on leave after graduating from basic training. They were barely twenty and thought they knew it all. Boy, they’d been wrong about a lot of stuff, but one thing he was still sure of: He loved her just as much now as he’d loved her then, and he was fairly confident after thinking more clearly about everything she’d said that morning that she felt the same. He just wasn’t sure how any of it could work out when the problems of the past were weighted down with what she was going through in the present.
The opening of the refrigerator jostled his attention. He hadn’t heard her come out of the bathroom, but the sight of her curvy hips bent over made him lose any remaining irritation. His mind went back to bed that morning. Her sleepy smile had shot straight to his groin. Had her knee rested a little farther to the left, she would have felt how just how much he’d wanted her.
A sudden throb in his jeans had him looking down to see just where his thoughts had taken him. The bulge forming between his thighs said he needed to think of something else.
“Hungry?” he asked with a light cough. “Want to go get something at Merv’s?”
Sera turned, but her attention remained on the contents inside the refrigerator. “Sweet tooth. Maggie and I stopped for dinner.”
“Well, then, I know exactly where we should go.”
She looked at him. “The Dairy Freeze?”
He smiled.
• • •
He barely had time to pull out onto the road when he worried the turbulent day was headed south again.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.
In a span of twelve hours they’d gone from waking up looking forward to the day ahead, to arguing, and now back to stilted conversation. Tyler’s eyes slid sideways to get a good look at her, seeing that her face was soft with anticipation of what he might say in response. He’d never been good at staying angry when it came to her, and that hadn’t changed. “I think we both were thrown off by seeing each other again,” he said, hoping to ease some of the tension.
“Yeah.” She smiled with a soft laugh. “I thought I knew what I’d do when I saw you, but it didn’t happen quite like I pictured.” She looked out the passenger window. “Except for the incident with your truck.”
Sensing she was trying to lighten the mood, Tyler asked, “Oh really? How did you think it would go?” He threw her a wink to reinforce his disposition.
Sera laughed louder. “Ugly!” She quieted. “And a lot of yelling and cussing and me telling you what a jerk you were.”
He chuckled. “Trust me. I imagined it quite the same way.”
“I’m such a pain.”
Tyler wasn’t sure how to respond. There was something riding on the edge of her teasing charm that told him she was being more serious than he initially believed. He joked back anyway. “Yes, you are,” he agreed, grinning.
“Why did you put up with me? I wasn’t easy to get along with.”
There was definitely a change; the soft flow of her voice let him know she wasn’t trying to be comical in any way. Pulling the truck to the side of the road, he turned in his seat. Mustering up every ounce of sincerity he’d been holding inside, he said, “I never wanted easy. Easy gets boring.”
She looked down at her hands.
He continued. “You kept me on my toes. Every minute I ever spent with you was worth it. Yes, sometimes you can be a pain in the ass, but with you, I never for a moment doubted that you loved me.”
Sera looked up at him, the truth of what he said reflected in her eyes. Leaning in, he smoothed back the hair straddling her shoulder. He’d been to thirty-nine of the fifty states, and she was still the most beautiful woman he’d ever laid eyes on. Afraid that if he didn’t take the moment she’d just handed him it may not come again, he let his hand linger behind her on the seat. “Our personalities may have been polar opposites, Sera, but loving each other was never difficult. Loving you always came easily.”
He waited for a response. He thought for sure she would at least acknowledge his feelings, but nothing came as she took in a deep breath and turned toward the passenger side window. After another long minute and exhausted from the struggle to get her to open up, he pulled the truck back out onto the road.
Then he heard, “I had my first appointment at the VA with a new therapist this morning.”
• • •
Sitting outside the Dairy Freeze, watching Sera spoon chocolate ice cream into her mouth, Tyler tried to figure out what was going on between them. He felt much like she’d described earlier that morning. One minute angry and annoyed, then the next dying to touch her. He was still recovering from the disappointment of her changing the subject when he’d laid out his feelings. Then to make it worse, she wouldn’t even open up about the VA appointment she’d mentioned, only saying it was a required visit and that it went well. If it was just a routine appointment, then why had she brought it up? Simply because she didn’t want to address her feelings? Well, if she didn’t want to address hers, then why the hell had she asked about his? It was completely unfair that he kept putting himself out there without getting anything in return, yet he knew he’d do it again if she asked, because every day they spent together he saw a little more of the woman she once was.
• • •
On the drive back to Roy’s, Sera thought more about her appointment at the Veterans Hospital that day. It was a requirement to obtain the medication she was almost out of. She didn’t like the meds, but she couldn’t sleep without some kind of help. It was the mood enhancer that bothered her most, though. It felt like a betrayal of her conscience. How was she supposed to fix her life when a magic pill made the ugliness of the world bearable? Maybe that was the point, but it only seemed like a short-term solution because when she quit taking the little problem solver, all the evil would come crawling back.
She hated to admit she’d become jaded when it came to her psychiatric care in the army. Although she knew the military provided as best as it could for the many that needed treatment, she also knew it was greatly overwhelmed and faltered all too often. Yet even with the abhorrence for the prescriptions she’d walked out with that day, somehow her visit had restored a bit of hope that maybe there was still room for progression in her case.
The appointment with Dr. Khazi was different in many ways from the no-nonsense Captain Stallinger, whom she’d seen while still enlisted. Khazi was the epitome of what she thought a therapist should look like. Her first impression after walking into his office was that he reminded her of the children’s television hero Mr. Rogers. Immediately she took a liking to his relaxed and polite demeanor and felt as if she’d known him for years. She’d spent almost a year seeing Captain Gloria Stallinger, who with her tall and lean figure and lengthy brown hair that she kept pinned up to perfection looked more like she’d rolled off a fashion runway instead of a military tarmac. Never once in any of those visits had she felt a shred of the ease she found in Dr. Khazi’s office. Nor did Dr. Khazi make her feel like a revolving door as she had whenever she’d seen Stallinger. The woman barely remembered her name even though they shared biweekly visits for almost twelve months. But most importantly, unlike Stallinger, Khazi had never seen combat. While most would think that it would be hard for a soldier to relate to someone who had no idea what they were going through, she found it comforting that Dr. Khazi couldn’t judge her for something he knew nothing about.
Dr. Khazi asked her how she was transitioning back into being home, and so somehow they ended up speaking more in depth and for longer about Tyler than they did her military work. Sera didn’t make a habit of confiding in others that often, but there was something about Dr. Khazi that made her apt to open up. He was easy to talk to and he didn’t have an air about him that screamed he knew it all. Most importantly, he felt
more like a friend than the enemy.
Glancing back up at the road, Sera looked over at Tyler, thinking about what Dr. Khazi suggested in regards to the distance she’d placed between them prior to her deployment. The issue was bound to come up again after the morning’s talk and she hoped that Tyler would be able to find some understanding in what she was only now starting to comprehend herself.
Chapter 13
Tyler stopped the truck at the signal of the approaching train. The flashing red lights had him shifting the gear in reverse, but before he could get the truck backed up, Sera placed a hand on his arm, forcing him to stop.
“Tyler. I need to do this.”
He sighed. “Not tonight, Sera.”
Scooting over into the middle of the seat, she placed her hand higher up on his bicep. “Please.”
He stared at her, and she stared back. Finally, with a twist of his mouth, he nodded in agreement.
Sera’s legs shook as the train whistle blew. Her arms shivered with a chill as she wrapped them around her aching middle. Burying her face into Tyler’s shoulder, she tried to think of anything other than that awful moment back in Afghanistan. Palm trees, the blue crystal waters of the ocean, a meadow filled with brightly colored flowers. None of it helped because none of the images lasted. Her mind was like a View-Master, constantly changing pictures with a click of a button, except that the only button was the train that triggered her memories.
Tyler murmured in her ear, “Sera, baby, talk to me. Don’t think about it. Remember good things.”
She forced her face deeper into the opening of his arm, trying to concentrate on the sound of his low voice.
“Honey, it’s all in your head. Listen to me. Think of all the good times we had out here.”
Closing her eyes even tighter, she tried to fight the images, wishing she could talk because she wanted so badly to tell Tyler everything in that moment. She couldn’t, though; it was as if her voice had been ripped out. The fear of what was in her head too much to bear.
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