Feels Like the First Time

by Marina Adair

  Hawk froze, waited for that word to bounce right off him, but it didn’t. It stuck in his chest and grew until that was all he could feel. The panic disappeared; the itch to deny it and move on was nowhere to be found.

  “I think I am,” he said. “When I think of kids and family and someone that makes me happy, makes me better, it’s Ali.”

  He looked at the woman whom he’d once vowed to make happy, and knew that it wasn’t his job anymore. He’s been devastated when she took that from him, trapped by the loss, but now he realized that she’d actually set them both free—to find their own happiness. And he intended to find his and never let go.

  “I can’t be that with you here, Bridget.” He and Ali needed time to cement what they’d found. Focus on what lay ahead, instead of their past walking up behind them anytime Bridget felt lonely. “Which is why I have to ask you to live up to your end of the deal and leave town.”

  “So just pack up and leave?”

  “It’s what you’re good at,” he said, stating what was true.

  Bridget’s expression turned guarded, tense. “Maybe I don’t want to be that person anymore. Maybe I want to stick this one out, make it work. Figure out what I want and start a new life.”

  “Fine, just don’t do it here.”

  Anywhere but here would work. He and Ali needed the space to focus on their relationship without the past hiding around every corner. And hopefully, when the time was right, Ali would realize she loved him back.

  “Me leaving won’t change anything,” Bridget pointed out. “My dad will still be sick, Ali will still put family first, and I will always be your ex-wife.”

  “I didn’t fall for her because she’s your sister, I fell for her because she’s Ali.”

  “I know,” she said, her voice low. “But I also know that you live to make people happy, and the only way my family is going to be happy is if we finally have the time to heal.”

  The earlier panic tightened until his head throbbed and his lungs burned, because the easiest way to shatter Ali’s world was if she learned her family was once again torn apart—because of him. Ali was loyal to a fault, and she would always protect her family.

  Problem was, he’d come to think of her as his family.

  “I’m not asking for a second chance, Hawk. I can see that isn’t a possibility now,” Bridget said. “But I am asking you to forgive me. And that means letting me come home.”

  Chapter 16

  Dinner had been cleared away and Marty was resting. Ali was ready to head home, but was hoping to hear the results of her dad’s latest round of tests before she left for the night. The nurse had said she’d check on them—that had been two hours ago.

  She rested her head back against the chair and found herself smiling. She was pretty happy for a girl who’d spent the day in a hospital. Because her dad had turned a huge corner today, and she knew in her heart that he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

  And neither was Hawk.

  If I’m lucky, you might let me hold you forever.

  For the first time since she was a kid, Ali had felt completely cherished last night. He’d not only taken care of her dad, but also taken care of her in a moment when she didn’t know how to take care of herself.

  Hawk had not only gotten her to the hospital before Marty woke up, as promised, but also arranged for her piece to make it to her client so she didn’t have to worry about it. Even more touching, he’d held her all night. Those big arms of his wrapped tightly, lovingly around her. Giving her the time she needed to let go, and the reassurance she needed to hold on.

  Then he’d made love to her.

  He hadn’t said the word, but Ali had felt it. Strong enough to break through her walls and seep into her soul. It was thrilling and humbling and comforting all at the same time.

  A healing force that gave her the courage to believe in dreams. Believe that maybe she was enough. That together, all of their flaws and differences somehow made for a perfect pairing.

  She reached for the phone to call him and let him know she was running a little late, but it went straight to voice mail. She thought about texting him when Bridget showed up with an overnight bag and a little pink pastry box.

  “How’s he doing?” she asked, taking a seat next to Ali.

  “He ate almost all of his dinner, even the broccoli, and then the nurses took some more blood. I was just waiting on the results.” She looked at the box. “What’s that?”

  “A little cupcake from Sweetie Pies. Kennedy was afraid you weren’t getting enough chocolate in your diet.”

  Bridget opened the box and Ali counted three mini death-by-chocolate pies. After a steady diet of vending machine sandwiches and green Jell-O cups—Marty refused to eat anything green that wasn’t mandatory—the pie looked amazing.

  She thought about Hawk waiting for her, but figured he wouldn’t blame her for eating dessert twice in one night. Plus, she was still waiting on the results, so might as well enjoy the wait.

  Ali picked up the pie, took a big bite, and moaned—quietly, so as not to wake Marty. Once alert, he could sniff out a single M&M from fifty feet away.

  Ali took another bite as Bridget tossed her bag on the floor. The flap opened, showing that there was enough stuff in there for a sleepover. “Are you staying the night?”

  Bridget picked up a pie and nodded. “You’ve been here all day, I thought I’d give you a break.”

  “Thanks,” Ali said, relieved that Marty wouldn’t be alone if he woke up. “But don’t you have to leave early for the airport tomorrow morning?”

  “I canceled my flight.” Bridget took a bite of her pie, and sat back with a groan. “These are amazing.”

  “You mean rescheduled,” Ali said.

  “Nope.” Bridget popped the last bit in her mouth and smiled around the whipped topping. “Canceled it. I called Jamie on the way here and told him that if he couldn’t make it to be by my side when I needed his support, then I can’t marry him.”

  Ali choked on a piece of crust. “Are you serious?”

  Bridget smiled, and this smile looked different. Lighter and freer. “Serious about a lot of things, including getting my life together. I’m taking your advice and going after my dream of being a party planner.”

  “I can’t believe you are actually doing it.”

  “Well, believe it. I already talked to someone about being an assistant until I get my footing, and then I’m going to open my own company. Once-in-a-Lifetime Moments,” she said as if she could already see her business cards. “Think about it, I will get to plan a bazillion weddings without ending up like Mom, a six-time divorcée.”

  They both laughed, then Ali reached for the last pie and broke it in half to give part to Bridget. “Don’t worry about Dad, though, I am going to make him a priority. You won’t be stuck handling everything anymore.”

  Ali opened her mouth to remind her that they’d tried that before, and it had landed them here.

  “Wait, before you say it’s a lot of work, and that I’m in over my head, you’re right. About all of it,” Bridget said quietly. “I’m tired of letting people down, so I’m going to change that. Starting with a class about caring for aging loved ones so that I know what Dad needs. And know that if something goes wrong, I have the skills to make the right calls.”

  Ali’s heart gave a little tug. “He’d love that and I could use the help.”

  Bridget smiled. “And I could use a sister again. Which is why I’m asking Dad if I can move in for a little while. Just until he gets back on his feet.”

  “You’re moving home. Like Dad’s home?”

  “Why does everyone sound so surprised when I say this? Yes, I want to be here while Dad heals, is that so bad?”

  “What about the job you were talking about?”

  “That’s the best part, it’s here in town,” Bridget said, and Ali tried to tell herself that this was a good thing. It provided the post-release care her dad would need, and eliminate
d having to hire a live-in caretaker. Also, Bridget had the right to be near Marty. He was her father, too.

  But working in Destiny Bay, starting her career here, making the networks she’d need to start her own business. Everything hit Ali like a bucket of dried concrete.

  “Once-in-a-Lifetime Moments,” Ali said, uncertainty and desperation colliding. “You’re going to open that here? In town?”

  “Destiny Bay doesn’t have an event planner, and after talking to Hawk about coming back home, I realized that I could really make a go at this. That this is where I want to be.”

  “Hawk knows about this?” Disbelief rattled around her chest, making it hard to hear. Because if he’d known Bridget was considering moving back, he would have called her. Or at least texted her to give her a heads-up.

  She checked her phone. No missed calls or texts. In fact, nothing from Hawk all day.

  “You were right, he is an amazing man,” Bridget said, her eyes filling. “Even after everything I put him through, he’s willing to forgive the past and let me come home. Start fresh.”

  Ali opened her mouth, but too many questions and emotions formed all at once, choking her. Sending that earlier confidence back ten years. Hawk said he wanted to hold her forever, but that had been when Bridget wasn’t a viable choice. But now Bridget was coming home—and Hawk had put their past behind them.

  Which led her to the most important question, the one that had been bubbling up in her for so long but she’d never taken the time to ask. What about her future? Their future?

  Ali’s hands began to tremble because she had started to allow herself to picture it. To give in to the hope that it was possible. Wanted more than anything to believe that it could happen.

  “It’s not nice to tempt a changed man.” Marty’s voice was groggy with sleep and from the medication.

  “We didn’t mean to wake you,” Bridget said, moving to the side of the bed to take his hand.

  “I was having dreams of swimming in a vat of chocolate pie.” He squeezed Bridget’s hand, then looked at Ali and gave a tired smile. “Still not as good as time with my girls, though. That’s all I want, is more time with my girls.”

  “Well, then today’s your lucky day, because we aren’t going anywhere,” Bridget said, then looked out the door. “Except maybe to ask the nurse what’s taking so long with those results.”

  “I’ll go find out,” Ali said, needing to get out of there. To see Hawk. To see what had happened since he’d dropped her off.

  To see if he still meant what he’d said. Or if he’d said it in a vulnerable moment.

  “I can do that,” Bridget offered. “You’ve been here all day, let me handle things so you can go home and get some rest.”

  Right, this went back to the whole sharing people she loved when all she wanted to do was keep them to herself.

  “Yes, honey, go rest. We can visit tomorrow,” Marty said, and Ali nodded, choking on all the what-ifs and past fears making her head spin.

  And her heart ache.

  She kissed her dad on the cheek and told Bridget, “Text me with the results when you hear.”

  * * *

  Ali pulled into Bay View, her heart taking another hard hit when she saw Hawk’s motorcycle parked in the driveway.

  When she’d arrived at her apartment and found it empty, she’d held out hope that Hawk was still at Marty’s finishing up, or perhaps the grocery store. So she’d texted him, asking where he was. He’d responded with sweet and simple, Working something out. PS. pie’s in the fridge.

  I’ll wait, she’d replied.

  Ali knew what it felt like to wait. She’d been waiting for love her whole life, it seemed, but she thought her time had finally come. Hawk loved her; she had no doubt about his feelings. Just like she had no doubt that he still loved Bridget. He always would; he’d told her as much.

  But Ali decided that this was one love she wasn’t willing to share.

  So she waited, in her pajamas, on the front porch steps, for him to come back. For him to explain away the confusion and uncertainty that grew with every minute that passed. She waited as the day started its final descent over the Pacific, until that voice in her head telling her she wasn’t enough came back, and when enough time passed for Hawk to work out world hunger, Ali decided she was tired of waiting.

  She knew what she wanted, had for a long time, and now she needed to see if Hawk wanted the same thing. See if he wanted it with her. Because she would rather know now than wait until that hope got any further out of control.

  Cutting the engine, Ali picked her way through the orchard and down the steep pathway to the beach, with only light from the moon and her growing frustration to find her way. The closer she got to the beach, the more slippery her descent, the loose sand and gravel cutting into her sandaled feet, the possible reason for what he had to work out making each of her steps more and more difficult.

  She’d meant what she’d said to her dad. Love just is. It doesn’t need to be worked out, or weighed. And it doesn’t change when another opportunity arises.

  Ali’s foot slipped and her pulse pounded wildly in her throat. That legendary calm she relied on to keep her grounded had leaked out somewhere between town and here, leaving her feeling raw and exposed.

  By the time she hit the bottom of the trail and stepped out onto the bluff, her hands were trembling, and by the time she found Hawk, the soft spot in her chest, where he’d taken up residence, began to ache.

  He was sitting on his rock, ankles crossed and legs pulled to his chest, the moon lighting his profile as he stared out at the black waters. All it took was one glance in her direction for Ali to know exactly what he’d been working out.

  How to move on.

  Twelve hours ago, he’d been in her bed, looking at her with love and wonder, as if she was the one. And now they were at his thinking spot, the place he came to when he felt trapped and needed a reminder of just how big the world was, and that wonder in his eyes was replaced with dread.

  “I didn’t mean to intrude,” she said when he looked up at her.

  “Yes you did,” he said, standing and coming over to her to take her hands. “I hope you brought pie.”

  The sensation of his touch was both comforting and terrifying.

  “This didn’t feel like a pie kind of conversation,” she said, and her voice had a little more bite to it than she’d expected. “In fact, I’m so tired of waiting for this conversation to happen, I’m actually pissed at myself for putting it off so long.”

  Because then she wouldn’t be in this situation again, with her heart on the line and wondering if one more person who she loved was going to choose to love her back.

  Nausea burned the sides of her stomach until she was certain she was going to be sick. Standing here, in front of him, knowing that he could drop a bomb of truth on her that would forever shatter her world was petrifying.

  But she’d shattered before, twice, and both times she’d managed to pull herself back together. And she could do it again. What she couldn’t do was continue on for one more breath not knowing if he still dreamed of being with another woman.

  Ali looked at those deep brown eyes that she loved and had come to trust. “Are you still in love with Bridget?”

  There was a heavy beat of silence, where she held Hawk’s steely gaze. He was working hard to find the right words, or maybe he was waiting for her to speak. Either way, the silence grew until it became a physical force separating them.

  A muscle in Hawk’s jaw ticked. “I don’t know, Ali. Do you think I could still be in love with someone else?”

  “I don’t know,” she said, feeling more lost than ever. He didn’t look guilty or concerned; he looked hurt. The kind of hurt that changed everything. “That’s why I’m asking.”

  “You don’t know?” He dropped his hands and stepped away from her. “Is it that you don’t know or you don’t believe me? Because I made it pretty fucking clear last night how I felt about you.
”

  “Last night was pretty intense and I was a mess, and you were comforting me,” Ali said. “Sometimes people say things in the heat of the moment and then things change and they want to take them back. I didn’t know if you wanted to take them back.”

  “And what if I did?” he asked, just staring at her. His face cool and distant. “What if I did want to take them back and give it a try with Bridget? What would you do?”

  Dread moved through her, robbing her words and stealing her breath. She’d wanted to know the truth before it was too late to come back, but the sharp ache lacing through her body told her it already was. “Do you? Want to take them back?”

  “You first. I asked you a question and I want the answer.”

  “I don’t know what I’d do,” she said honestly, wondering how this got turned around on her.

  “Then that’s a fucking problem I can’t fix,” he said, and if a rogue wave had dropped her into the side of the cliff, the impact would have been laughable compared to the anger flashing in his eyes. “Because when I told you I wanted to hold you forever, I meant forever. I meant, even if it came down to winning another Stanley Cup or being in your arms, running the bar or being in your arms, going back and replaying that game so my career never ended or being in your arms, I’d pick being in your fucking arms every time. But you have one conversation with your sister and you don’t know?”

  “Hawk, I—”

  He held up a silencing hand. “I don’t know what Bridget said to you, but I could never have slept with you if I was still in love with Bridget.”

  “You’ve slept with other women,” she said quietly, remembering foolishly how she wanted to know what it felt like to be them, just for a night.

  He whipped around. “I slept with other women, but I was always clear where I stood. Just like I was honest with you, sunshine.” Now her nickname sounded like a curse. “Hell, I was more honest with you than I’ve ever been with anyone. I showed you who I was; there should have been no doubt in that.”