Repent (The Disciples Book 3)

by Cassandra Robbins

  “If you don’t look and tell me what the fucking pregnancy test says, I’ll tell everyone your little secret.” She turns and leans her skinny ass on the counter as she crosses her ankles in her heeled boots.

  My face burns. “I have no secret.”

  She smiles and again, I wonder why I tried so hard to become her best friend. “I know you’re a virgin. I also know someone as hot as Edge is not. So…” She lets her awful voice trail away and I swear to God I’m having a hard time trying to catch my breath.

  She said it. My ears are ringing. I need to defend myself, Edge, our relationship but at the moment, all she does is voice my greatest fear.

  “Cat got your tongue, Dolly?” she sneers. “See, we all have our shit. At least I’m honest with mine.”

  I can’t speak. I don’t trust myself not to start crying and ask her what she knows or strangle her. But neither of those are options.

  So instead, I look down at the stupid pregnancy test. Not pregnant.

  “It’s negative.”

  She looks over at me, then smirks. “Perfect.” She straightens her skirt.

  “Morgan?” I say slowly as the blood flows back into my brain. Picking up the stick, I dangle it in her face. She backs away as I let it drop into the garbage can.

  “Next time you think to give me advice”—I move close to her, barely coming up to her shoulder, but the mood I’m in, I could take on the world—“Just remember that my parents don’t have money like yours, but what they do have are guns, knives, and shovels.” I turn and wash my hands.

  “What the hell does that mean?” she snarls, yet it lacks her usual aggressiveness.

  I look up and smile at her in the mirror… and almost laugh because it’s better than sobbing. No matter how much I’ve tried to distance myself from my past, from the club, they follow me, and today, well, today I guess I’m my father’s daughter.

  “It means”—I turn and grab a paper towel and dry my hands—“I’m not the one. Don’t talk about Edge or anything to do with us. Ever. I’ve seen things that you can’t even dream of.”

  “Please, you can’t possibly think you can get away with threat—” Her eyes go huge as I move close to her again.

  “Don’t fuck with me, bitch.” I don’t wait to hear her response. It’s not important. Grabbing my bag, I swing open the door. I need to find Edge. It’s like I’m possessed. I need to hear his voice, let him assure me that we are okay.

  I don’t even bother to check to see if the coast is clear. All my trying to be perfect has gotten me nowhere. I told myself I was doing all this for us. Instead, I think I was doing it for me and assuming because Edge loved me, he would follow.

  Edge and Dolly: you can’t have one without the other.

  I dig in my purse for my phone. My mom had to bribe my dad to get me one, stating it was unsafe for me not to have one. He’s cheap but apparently not that cheap. Whatever, I got one and now at least have some freedom.

  Me: I need you. Where are you?

  My mind drifts to how much everything has changed in such a short time.

  It doesn’t help that the club has become huge. Jason and Doc created some crazy drug that is popular. The club is all top secret and my dad is paranoid all the time.

  One more year. In one more year, I’ll graduate. All my hard work and sacrifice will have paid off. Edge and I can be together, like not sneaking around. Like, tell my dad to fuck off and get married. My mind swims with all my foolish plans that up until an hour ago seemed right. Edge is never going to want to go to an Ivy League college with me. Christ, what the hell is wrong with me? He’s been trying to tell me this for years, but I haven’t been willing to hear it.

  I look down at my flip phone willing my eyes to see a text from him. I’m all over the place. Maybe I’m about to get my period because I’m ready to lose it.

  “Fuck, come on, Edge. Where are you?” I mumble then stop. This is insane. I’m speed walking through the empty halls. I’m supposed to go to practice, but with the mood I’m in, I might punch Courtney, another one of my so-called best friends.

  Flipping my phone open again, I make myself breathe; otherwise, I might throw it and then I’ll be fucked. I lean my head back and feel the cool locker behind me.

  Never have I thought I’d be second-guessing Edge or his feelings for me.

  I’m being paranoid because he’s been almost living at the clubhouse. I know his home life is awful, with his dad being sick and all. Yes, that’s why he’s at the clubhouse so much. Fuse is a horrible man and Edge is tired of all his verbal and physical abuse.

  Jealousy snakes herself up to my stomach and like the vicious viper she is, she slithers up my spine spreading her poison to my head.

  “He would never,” I whisper, almost chanting.

  Guilt snaps my eyes open. He’s truly the most amazing boyfriend ever. I know all the guys have been having sex for years. I also know he’s been teased and worse with all those black eyes and cuts on his face. The sad thing is I’d happily give him what he and I want.

  The last time we were alone sweeps over me like a bad dream that keeps on replaying.

  “Touch me, baby.” His strong body rubs mine as I reach for his giant dick.

  His warm breath, which always smells like cinnamon and smoke, makes me groan into his mouth.

  We can’t stop exploring each other. It feels so good. My core grows wetter as he helps me unbutton my jeans and his long fingers instantly thrust inside me.

  “Oh God.” I reach for his neck to kiss him.

  “Hey Edge…” His door pounds. “Brother, we got to roll, man. We’ve got a situation and you are needed.”

  My body freezes. “Don’t stop.” I grab his wrist as if I can push him to make me feel like I do almost every morning.

  “In a minute,” he snarls, his beautiful face almost looking as if he’s in pain.

  “Sorry. Prez needs you now. You can fuck later.”

  My eyes pop open. It’s become an irrational fear of mine. Because instead of saying no, he left with them. I lay in his bed for an hour waiting for him to come back. Even was creepy enough to lie on his pillow so I could smell his cinnamon spice.

  My phone dings.

  Edge: What’s wrong?

  “Oh, thank God.” I look down at my hands. They’re shaking as I press on his number.

  It rings once and I shiver when his gravelly voice seeps through the wire and goes straight to my heart.

  “You okay?”

  “Yes…” Jesus, I’m out of breath. Gulping in a huge amount of air, I try not to choke on it as I calm my emotions.

  “I just, I miss you. Ever since Jason made that drug, I’m seeing you less and less. I mean you need to—”

  “Hold on, baby.” And I want to die. I love when he calls me baby. “Yeah man, I’ll be right there. Listen, I need to go. You’re okay, right?”

  “Um, no.” I push off the locker and look down the hall at Troy and his friends coming toward me laughing, making me feel ancient. I hear them yelling for me to come with them to practice and I start to run in the opposite direction toward the front exit.

  “I need you,” I pant “Me. Remember the girl you say is your girlfriend, yet I see you less than I see anyone?”

  Silence greets me and I almost think he’s hung up, which makes my pulse pound in my head.

  “Edge?”

  “I’m busy.”

  “Great, just great.” My voice cracks.

  “I have things going on and you have practice. Why are you out of breath?”

  I start laughing and once it starts, it doesn’t stop.

  “Christ,” he snarls. “Jason, dude, give me a minute.”

  I have to cover my mouth because if I want to get him to listen, I have to at least be able to talk.

  “What’s wrong with you?” he hisses.

  “I need to talk. I have something to tell you.”

  “Are you fine?” He says it like I’m an idiot, which dissol
ves my laughter real quick.

  “Yes, are you at the clubhouse?”

  Again, silence other than the sound of him inhaling a cigarette. “I am but your dad is here. Trust me, don’t show up. I’ll try to get done early. Leave your window open.” I almost say I leave it open every night, though he doesn’t seem to feel the need to come through it anymore.

  “Are you fucking around on me?” I freeze. I did not plan to say that. It slipped out. Sometimes I have no filter. Make that most of the time. The only person who never takes offense to it is Edge, but if his silence on the line is any indication, he might have taken offense.

  “You really want to do this, huh?” It’s loud and bitter and my heart is beating so fast it seems as if it’s going to explode.

  “Are you? It’s a simple question.” Jesus, I don’t even recognize my voice.

  “Go to practice. Say hi to the cunts for me.” And before I can say anything else, the line is dead.

  “Hello?” I screech, but there’s no one on the phone. How is this possible? No way did Edge hang up on me.

  “What’s happening?” I put my hand on my clammy forehead and take a breath. I’m either going to pass out or throw up. My eyes dart around and I run.

  The fluorescent lights in the deserted hallway cast a gloomy yellow and all I hear is my labored breathing and the tapping of my shoes as they hit the floor.

  Shoving open the heavy metal door, I bolt down the stairs and stop as I try to catch my breath and pull myself together. I need to think, not lose it. The cool air seems to help my flushed cheeks and a pain I’ve never felt slowly disappears. I glance up at the sky and try to calm myself. It’s already getting dark and it’s not even four thirty yet.

  He didn’t deny it. He only said don’t come. My chest burns as if a dragon has been awakened and burned a hole inside my heart.

  Something’s wrong. If he thinks I’m not going to find out, he doesn’t know me as well as he thinks.

  In this split second, I make my decision.

  This is fucking absurd. I need to know.

  For better or worse, by the end of tonight, at least it will be done.

  I pull my hair off my sweaty neck as I take in the almost-deserted school parking lot save but a few cars and some bicycles. I’m going to do the one thing I swore I would never do. I’m going to spy on him… catch, confront, whatever you want to call it. It’s all so overwhelming I’m becoming borderline obsessed.

  Instead of giving in to my need to call him back and tell him off, I push on the one number of the person I know won’t judge me. The one person who has done the very thing I’m about to do numerous times.

  I should feel ashamed. After all, I’ve criticized her my whole life. But I do it anyway.

  I call my mother.

  DOLLY

  Seventeen years old

  As soon as I shut the door to my mom’s Jeep Cherokee, I instantly start to question what I’m doing.

  “Okay.” My mom lifts her hand from the steering wheel. “You need to understand that what you’re about to find out is going to be painful. But with pain comes strength and that’s what you need if you want to marry a Disciple.” She nods at me, her eyes taking in my appearance, which is more than likely awful since I had a small breakdown in a corner of the athletics building and in the parking lot waiting for her to pick me up. “You’re being smart. Always get proof.”

  “What?” I bounce my leg as she speeds toward the compound.

  “Dolly.” I jump, and she frowns but keeps talking. “Listen to me on all of this. There are signs, red flags. If you want Edge, you need to either look away or do something about it. How do you think I’ve kept your father for all these years?”

  It’s on the tip of my tongue to say “You don’t.” My dad has another house. A way newer, nicer house where he keeps his latest whore. But why bring this up? She’s talking so fast all I can do is nod and try to breathe.

  “Dolly?” She taps the steering wheel and my eyes zero in on her black nail polish. “Now is not the time for dramatics. Focus.” She slaps the wheel again and if I wasn’t in such a state, I’d probably laugh. Instead, I have to bite down on my bottom lip not to cry.

  “Hand me my cigarettes. It’s time we have an honest talk.”

  “Oh God,” I groan and reach into her purse, moving her Glock aside to pull out the pack of Marlboro Menthols.

  “Thanks, baby.” I cringe, hating that my mom calls me that. I only like “baby” when it comes out of Edge’s mouth, or not at all.

  “Mom.” I massage my temples. “I’m starting to have second thoughts. I don’t know if I… we should do this.” I peek up to see the red flames of the bonfire and a smoke cloud rising into the early night sky.

  She inhales and blows smoke out the window. “Trust me. I get you. The first time I caught your dad with his cock in someone…” She twists her hands on the steering wheel, the cigarette dangling from her glossed-up red lips. “Let’s say it was not the best day.”

  “Oh God, Mom.” I drop my hands in horror and rub the moisture from my hands onto my legs. “I need to think. Pull over for a second.”

  “Good idea. This will give me time to prep you.” She pulls the Jeep over in one fast swerve. The tires skid on the gravel and I sigh with relief when she turns off the engine. The compound is loud. Music is already pounding from the speakers. At least we aren’t in the driveway yet.

  “Be honest—you seriously haven’t had sex?” Her brown eyes bore into mine like she’s trying to read my mind. I love my mom because she’s my mom, but we’re not that close. If I wanted to lie, she’d have no clue.

  I shake my head no. She nods and looks straight ahead, a small smile on her face.

  “Wow.” She takes a drag from her cigarette and the red tip sizzles as she seems to inhale half of it into her lungs.

  “Okay… well, here’s the truth. Edge is definitely getting some.”

  I’m about to scream, but she cuts me off with her hand in my face.

  “There’s no way a boy in the Disciples who looks like him would not be knee-deep in pussy.”

  I stare at her waiting for my brain to catch up. “He loves me.” My voice cracks. Like a dead infected tree, I sound hollow. Christ, all my best friends at school are screwing anything that walks, and they have nowhere near the temptation.

  “Dolly, I’m a little surprised at you. I raised you way better than this. Grow up and do not take this personally.”

  I can’t be hearing her right. This is her bonding moment with me? Her big passing on of motherly knowledge? Look the other fucking way?

  “He’s not throwing it in your face. He’s respecting your dad by not touching you until you’re eighteen.” She waves her hands in a grand gesture as if she’s some kind of conductor or something. “I’m impressed.”

  I shake my head at her and lean forward because she needs to hear this. “Edge is mine and I’m his. We’re together. I know him.” Again, it sounds weak.

  “Yes, well… we always think we know them until we really do.”

  I open my mouth to say Stop, but nothing comes out, and I dig my nails into the hand rest and console as if I’m on a roller coaster I desperately want to get off of. I never should have gotten on in the first place. She starts up the Jeep and I lean my forehead against the cool window as I see all the action come to life.

  “Mom, my head is spinning. Like I’m not feeling good.” I observe the wild insanity of a Disciples party. Music, women wearing very little clothing, dirt, smoke, and so many Disciples.

  I slam the Jeep’s door shut as I look down at my cute outfit. I make the most of my clothes; some I save up for and buy. But these women are beyond awful-looking.

  Mom grabs my arm as she heads toward the front door.

  AC/DC spills out of the speakers, so loud I want to cover my ears. Like a sleepwalker, I let my mom guide me through the throngs of Disciples. Why does the place look so different? I’ve been going to the clubhouse for as lon
g as I can remember, but I always had my dad or the boys sheltering me—not this wild mass of ugly flesh and reality.

  My mom lights another cigarette and scans the area. “Shoulders back, head up, watch and learn. If he’s cheating or doing anything he’s not supposed to, I’ll find him.”

  I nod, almost wanting to hold her hand as if I’m seven again and we’re here to spy on my dad, not Edge.

  Instead, I toss my hair over my shoulder and follow my mom as she zigzags through the large number of bikers.

  “Hey Misty, you looking for Shark?” An enormous woman wearing nothing but a small skirt and a vest smiles at my mom.

  “Hey babe.” My mom goes for a hug and they start talking. My eyes are huge as I stare at her. What the hell?

  “Talk about no focus,” I mumble as I scan the crowd. It’s not easy since I’m small and there are a lot of big people around me. A few people nod at me, but I barely respond. I’m on a mission as I make my way toward the pool area, my eyes zeroing in on the tall, lithe bodies of people laughing in a circle.

  Time stops.

  It can’t fucking be.

  I take a step forward as a woman snarls for me to watch it, her beer spilling in front of me. It doesn’t matter; none of it does. It’s all but a blur of bodies moving in front of me, a cloud of background music. I’ve found him.

  He stands with his back to me, his arms around some girl with blond hair. I’m frozen, I think, or maybe it’s my mind spinning so fast I can’t move. I puff out some air and pull my gaze away. Visions of blood spilling on the ground come to mind as I check to see if someone has a weapon within my reach. Because I’m not right. My mind is like a Quentin Tarantino movie as I look around frantically for a gun… anything. I’m at a fucking biker party for fuck’s sake.

  “Dolly? Honey, come say hello to Momma Annie,” my mom yells at me, breaking my madness for a second. Turning my head, I glance back at her. She waves her arms at me, but I ignore her for him.

  Like a zombie, I start to move. He’s gone. Not there. God, have I totally lost it? Am I seeing things?

  As I march up to the group of guys and the spot where I swear Edge was seconds ago, they all stop talking and look at me. And I know it’s not my imagination because all but Axel can’t even look me in the eyes.