“Rae…” Lucas’ voice was soft. Sweet. Comforting. I shook my head.
“Don’t,” I interrupted. “I don’t want you to let me down gently, ok?” I sighed. “I know that you want Victoria and not me. I agreed to help you get her back, and I’m going to do it. Let’s just agree that we won’t kiss anymore. Ok? It confuses me.”
Lucas’ eyes held secrets he wasn’t going to confide. The bright, brilliant hazel I’d so quickly grown accustomed to seeing was suddenly dimmer. He looked like he wanted to tell me something, probably something meant to ease the sting of rejection, but he listened to me. He didn’t try to let me down easy. He just nodded.
“Ok Rae.” He was silent for a while more. I waited as patiently as I could. “It confuses me too, if it makes you feel any better. It confuses the hell out of me.” The raw honesty in his suddenly gravelly voice, and the heat in his eyes when he looked at me told me it was true.
My lips parted in surprise. Meeting his eyes had become difficult, so I stared straight ahead of me. “It helps a little,” I admitted. I stole a glance at him and saw that he was staring at his feet. Apparently, this was a hard conversation for both of us. At least we were being honest. I couldn’t stand it when people danced around the truth. It was better just to admit the hard things. Even if it meant not kissing Lucas again when I really, really wanted to. The shower I’d taken in his loft had been as ice cold as Barton Springs, and it still hadn’t helped with the constant, aching desire that I was feeling for him.
“I didn’t ask you to dye your hair because I didn’t like it,” Lucas said suddenly. I looked over at him in surprise, both by the change of subject and the subject.
“You didn’t?”
Lucas shook his head. “No. Not at all. I actually love that color hair.” He sighed. “I asked you to change it because it reminded me of Victoria’s hair color when we first met. Obviously, it’s not that color anymore. But I just thought it would be too weird. It was a selfish thing to ask. I’m really sorry.”
I shrugged. I touched the vibrant strands my new hair self-consciously. “I’d been wanting to dye my hair for a long time. I like it like this.” Every time I saw myself in the mirror, even after a week, I smiled. This was the color hair I wish I had naturally. It was perfect, and everyone said it looked really good. Even my brother liked it, and he was obnoxiously conventional.
“It does look really nice on you.” His tone was admiring.
“I’m honestly not angry about the hair thing at all. I swear.” He seemed weirdly hung up on it. Hair was just hair. Plus, the dye was temporary. It would fade in six weeks.
“I still feel bad though.” He frowned like he’d asked me to pierce my tongue or get a neck tattoo or something else permanent.
“Why?”
His frown deepened. “Victoria and I were together for four years. We got together in college and for a long time, we were happy. But over time, I think I messed up with her. She didn’t get what she needed from me and it made her unhappy. I tried, but it just wasn’t enough. But even though things weren’t perfect, I was still really surprised when she left.” He trailed off in memory. I wondered if I was the first person he’d told this story to. It seemed to be costing him a lot to relive it.
“You don’t have to tell me this,” I told him. “You don’t owe it to me.” Like I’d told him before, I didn’t want to make him sad.
He shook his head. “After Victoria left, I threw myself into my work. That’s paid off, or it’s about to.” He grinned at me for a second, reminding me why I was in this city in the first place. “But when I saw Victoria a few weeks ago, I realized that I had to get her back. Then when I matched with you, saw you…. When we talked I realized how smart, beautiful, sophisticated, and pragmatic you are. I thought it was fate. The universe had given me all the tools to get Victoria back. Was it a well thought out plan? No. Not at all. It was totally impulsive, and I’m not really an impulsive person. I’m not good at it. So I didn’t think about you, Rae. I didn’t think about how all this would make you feel. Like with your hair. I didn’t think about that before I said something. I didn’t think about you getting confused today at the pool when we kissed. And I didn’t think that I would get…so confused, too.”
Once he finished, I couldn’t say a thing. My heart was in my throat, threatening to escape out my mouth if I opened it. Lucas stared at his mostly uneaten pizza. Then he picked up his beer and took a drink of it before setting it back down self-consciously. “Rae, you’re staring,” he said. “Say something, please.”
I looked away, embarrassed. “I’m not sure what to say, Lucas.” I played with my charm bracelet nervously before folding my hands primly in my lap and sitting up straight. Curiosity got the best of me. “Do you really think that I’m all those nice things?”
Lucas looked confused. “What things?”
I squirmed. “You said I was smart, beautiful, sophisticated, and pragmatic. Do you really think I’m those things?” It hurt my heart just to ask, but I wanted to know. No, I needed to know. I needed to know if someone like Lucas could think so highly of me. After so many failed relationships, so many nasty dick pics, so many first dates that never went anywhere, I had to believe it meant something.
Lucas smiled at me. “Yes. Very much. Although it doesn’t help me feel less confused to admit it.” His tone was melancholy.
In that second, I wanted to be confused. I wanted to be totally and completely befuddled and lost and addled. I wanted Lucas to make it so much worse. I wanted him to get lost at sea with me.
I wanted to feel anything that wasn’t alone and rejected. I looked at him sitting there, fresh from a shower, looking like everything I could want in the world. Lucas was smart, ambitious, and kind. He was handsome, his body was terrific, and he wanted me. He was also hopelessly in love with someone else. Sitting on Lucas’ couch, stone cold sober, I made a fully informed, terrible decision.
“Lucas,” I told him. “I really think we should have sex now.”
15
Lucas
I told Rae that I’m not an impulsive person, and I’m not. I usually think through all my decisions very carefully and from as many angles as I could. Something that my friends sometimes interpreted as me psychoanalyzing them was actually my attempt to understand how other people make decisions, so I could use what they do well in my own life.
But I wasn’t thinking at all when I leaned over and kissed Rae.
Her mouth was soft against mine, and she yielded instantly when I flicked my tongue against her lips. Like our kiss at the pool, I found myself unable to stop once I got started. Her mouth was perfect. Our tongues danced and wrestled against each other, seeking sensation and finding smooth, hot friction.
“This is just to get our confusion out of our systems, ok?” Rae whispered in my ear when I finally left her mouth to kiss her long, beautiful neck.
“Mhmm,” I mumbled against her skin. Her neck was everything I’d fantasized about and more. She smelled so good. Rationally I knew that she just smelled like the same body wash that I used on a daily basis since she’d just used my shower, but somehow, she didn’t. She smelled like Rae, and her smell was unbelievably good.
“It doesn’t matter, right?” she asked.
I mumbled something incoherent back against her neck in affirmation. Talking had become too difficult. Besides, I had better things to do with my mouth. Like kiss her.
We shifted on the couch, becoming more horizontal. Beneath me, her body felt soft and pliable. Her little hands wove their soft fingers in my hair, and she spread her legs beneath me.
With the few rational brain cells left in my brain, I knew that this was not the right thing for us to do. It was an objectively bad idea. I knew my heart still belonged to Victoria. But at that moment, my body belonged to Rae. And I’d sell my soul to keep on touching her curvy, perfect body.
Rae sighed softly when I lifted the hem of her shirt and cupped her. Under the soft, lacey bra she was
wearing, her skin was as smooth as silk. Her perfect, pink nipples darkened to duskier pink as they grew harder under my fingers. They hardened even more when I dipped my head to kiss them. My eyes slipped closed as I tasted her there for a long time, enjoying the feeling of her arching up beneath me to urge me on.
It had been so long since I’d touched someone like this. Had it ever been like this before? Had I ever felt so overwhelmed by the way a woman’s breathing caught when I dragged my teeth along her neck? Or the way she smiled victoriously when she undid the buttons on my shirt and slid her hands up and down my back?
What was she doing to me?
Rae had said that she was confused. I didn’t know what fucking planet I was on anymore. I didn’t even know my own damn name. All that I knew was that I needed to keep getting her more and more naked. That was clearly the solution to all my problems: Rae, naked. In fact, I was pretty sure that was the answer to all problems.
What should I have for lunch tomorrow? Rae, naked.
How could I find happiness? Rae, naked.
One plus one? Rae, naked.
World hunger? You guessed it: Rae, naked.
She lifted her shirt all the way off and I unsnapped her bra clasp to free her from it. Covered, Rae was beautiful. In a bikini, she was sexy. Topless, she was exquisite.
Her high, full tits swayed slightly with every breath, and her alabaster white skin was so dewy and fair it almost glowed. I was just pale. Rae was as luminous as an angel.
She smiled up at me, pushing my unbuttoned shirt off of my shoulders and giggling when I wrestled it all the way off with an effort and a curse. Every second that I wasn’t touching her was too long. I could tell that she liked me like that, desperate and overwhelmed by my need for her. I was happy to give her all she could stand. In fact, I had nine thick inches that were more than ready for her.
My rock-hard cock was throbbing against her thigh between us, trapped by the fabric of my jeans. Her clever, searching hand found it and I moaned against her neck. It had been eighteen months since I’d had sex. I nearly came like a teenager when she touched me through the thick denim. At this rate, I wasn’t sure I would even get to fuck her. So, I wouldn’t waste time.
Rae was conveniently wearing a skirt, and I lifted it up and got my first look at her creamy white thighs and lacey panties. Bright red, just like her new hair. Good god, she was hot.
Peeling them off of her would be nearly impossible on the couch, and I had no intention of stopping. I twisted the fabric in my fist like a caveman and ripped them off of her, kissing away her squeal of protest until she was sighing against me again. I’d get her some new panties. I was, however, gratified and excited to find them soaking wet.
She probably would have liked to pay me back in kind for destroying her clothes, but even in a violent passion there was no way in hell Rae could rip through my jeans with her bare hands. Instead, she flicked the button, wiggled down the zipper, and took me in hand with all the delicacy of a virgin and the flawless technique of an expert. She smiled up at me eagerly, clearly pleased by what she saw. I arched into her touch gratefully, already so far along that I was seriously worrying about performing.
“You have a condom, right?” she whispered, pumping her fist along my length eagerly. She rubbed the tip against herself, torturing me with her soft, perfect heat. I might be on top, but in that moment, she was definitely in charge.
Her question took a long second to permeate my lust-addled brain, made worse by the way she was teasing me.
You have a condom, right?
Another slow pump of her hot, soft hand. I was panting. So was she.
You have a condom, right?
She rubbed the tip against her sweet, swollen little clit. She ground herself against her sweet spot and arched her back.
“Lucas?” Her voice was a sexy, high, whispered plea.
Fuck. You don’t have a condom, you pathetic, game-less, fucking moron. While you’ve been living like a monk, the ones you had expired.
“I… No. I don’t have one,” I managed to bite out. She looked up at me like I’d just doused her in cold water for the second time that day. Her hand disappeared.
16
Rae
“I can run down to the corner store and grab some,” Lucas offered, but the spell was broken. The thought of protection, and the mere suggestion of reality had snapped me out of my fantasy where sex meant nothing and had no consequences.
I shook my head and pulled away from him. Sexual frustration made my whole body feel tight and uncomfortable, like my skin was too two sizes too small. My shirt was on the ground and I snatched it and covered myself awkwardly with it. “We shouldn’t be doing this. I’m sorry.”
Lucas opened his mouth to protest, but no noise came out. After a second, he closed it again. He pulled his pants back on. He must have known that I was right. Eventually he spoke. “I hope you aren’t angry with me Rae.” His tone was unexpectedly mild.
I blinked. “I hope you aren’t angry at me!” I felt like I’d led him on, although the fact that he wasn’t prepared was his fault. If he’d had condoms we’d be… don’t think about that. My pulse was still hammering away excitedly, and I told my body firmly to calm down. It didn’t listen. My body didn’t understand why it was being denied sex and it was starting to get angry at me. I could feel a headache coming on.
Oblivious, Lucas shook his head. “Of course, I’m not angry with you Rae. This was… this was my fault.” His voice was gentle. Guilt was evident on his features. He looked away and put his shirt back on.
I wondered if he felt like he’d been unfaithful to Victoria. The thought of her made me want to be wearing all my clothes. Immediately. This was the opposite of our agreement. Sleeping with Lucas was the opposite of getting him back together with Victoria. The woman he loved.
I looped my bra straps around my shoulders and shrugged back into it, refastening it with hasty fingers behind my back. Then I fumbled with my shirt, dragging it over my head. Finally, when I was covered, I felt brave enough to look at Lucas again. He was staring at his cold pizza with an expressionless face. I wondered what he was thinking but was too afraid to ask.
“I’m sorry Lucas,” I said again. “I should really just go,” I told him. “This was all a mistake. We should just forget about it.” I paused, waiting for him to reply. When he didn’t, I rose. “I’ll, um, I’ll just get out of your way…”
He blinked as if woken from a trance, stared at me, and then glanced at his watch. “Rae, don’t worry. You don’t need to feel bad about any of this. It really wasn’t your fault. But look, it’s really late. Stay here. You can sleep in my bed. I’ll sleep out here.”
It was late? How long had we made out? I looked at my phone to find that it was almost two a.m. Jeez. Time flies when you’re having fun and making out with the guy who’ll never love you.
“The hotel my company booked is four blocks away,” I said, but the thought of walking that far felt surprisingly difficult. Some New Yorker I was. Four measly blocks?
Lucas frowned, but nodded. “I’ll walk you.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Yes, I do,” his voice was surprisingly firm. “It’s the middle of the night.”
I had no idea if this part of downtown was dangerous at two a.m. or if he was just too much of a gentleman not to ‘walk me home’. Honestly, I was too tired to argue with him. I’d gotten up early, endured a New York airport, sat through a five-hour flight, and then had a full day in Austin. I’d been awake for almost a full twenty hours.
“You wouldn’t mind if I slept here? I can sleep on the couch.”
“You’ll take the bedroom.” Lucas’ voice was firm and stubborn again.
“Lucas, no. It’s your bed.”
“I insist.”
He seemed determined to make me comfortable and be chivalrous, and although I found it antiquated and unnecessary, it was also oddly endearing.
“Alright,” I t
old him, “you’re clearly not going to let me be a good guest.” I pouted.
“I’m just determined to be a good host Rae,” he retorted. The world’s smallest smile threatened to break out on his face.
This was the dynamic I was more used to with Lucas. The mild, friendly argument helped me feel more normal. I smiled at him, and although it might have been tired and thin, it was real. He smiled back with thoughts I couldn’t decipher swimming behind his eyes.
Why couldn’t he have just had some damn condoms?
We got Lucas situated on the couch and said some painfully awkward goodnights, before I shuffled off to the bedroom. I closed the door behind me and leaned heavily against it.
God, what had I been thinking?
Lucas’ bed was big and soft, and I flopped down into it guiltily. Although exhausted, I couldn’t relax. I glanced at my phone, looking for an escape from feeling restless and confused.
I had a bunch of new group texts from my team.
Annie: Given the news, are you two flying up tomorrow morning or waiting until Monday?
I blinked. What news? These texts were almost four hours old.
Kyle: I’m about to board now on the last flight out. I figured it would be better to get there ready to launch tomorrow.
Annie: I’m on the first flight tomorrow morning. What about you Rae?
Kyle: I bet she’s already on a flight.
Annie: Probably. I’m sure she wants to get this deal done ASAP before the client finds out.
Kyle: Poor guy. He’s not going to be happy when he learns what we did.
Annie: Yeah, I feel bad for him. His algorithms make no sense to me, but only because I haven’t figured them out yet. They clearly work, though. It’s a shame the public will never see this thing. Notable Match is some next-level shit.
What the hell were they talking about? I opened my email and scanned.
Lie With Me Page 10