Scars of Love

by Lindsey Hart

  “You’re a coward,” Thomas hissed. He figured preamble or small talk wasn’t worth it. It was probably best if he cut right to the chase. He was right. Evie’s eyes slowly met his as she looked up.

  “Me? If I’m a coward, then what does that make you?”

  What indeed? “I never claimed to be perfect.” He took care to moderate his voice, so as not to frighten Evie. He’d made someone a promise that he’d keep his head straight and he meant to honor his word, even if she didn’t deserve it. “I never wanted any of this to happen, but you were planning on leaving before the accident. Why didn’t you? Instead, you went through hell with me and barely came out the other side. We were like two dead things, existing because we had to.”

  Her composure faltered and she shook her head sadly. “I would do it differently if I could have, but put yourself in my shoes. How would it look if I walked out on you after you were so badly burned? It would have killed you and it would have made our friends and family so ashamed.”

  “So instead you did the honorable thing and stuck with me. Even when you could barely stand to look at me.”

  “Yes,” she hissed, her emotion rising, color flooding her cheeks. “Yes, I stayed. I stayed through it all.”

  “And you expect what? A medal? A congratulation? A badge of honor?”

  “A thank you would have been sufficient. It would have been, but I know you’re not thankful. You’re not thankful you survived at all. I wanted to up and leave, but I was afraid of what it would do to you.”

  “Afraid of what it would do to me or afraid of what people would think?”

  Evie crossed her arms. Her eyes burned with the intensity of her disdain for him. She’d never looked at him like that, never with outright hatred, and it rocked him to the core. “It’s the same thing. We both know that. My sister-”

  “Leave your sister out of this,” Thomas growled. His hands closed into fists at his sides.

  “I was going to say, my sister had the idea to switch places. She had this ridiculous notion that she could help you.”

  “And that’s ridiculous? Kindness? Compassion?”

  “No. The fact that she thought you were worth it. We both know differently, though don’t we, Tom. You’re so far beyond that. So am I. We were beyond it before the accident ever happened.”

  “Maybe you were. It was different for me.”

  “Was it? You hadn’t touched me in weeks. Months.”

  “Because you didn’t want me to! I still loved you, Evie. I remember waking up in the hospital. I didn’t care about the pain I was in. That’s all anyone asked me about. Pain management. How much pain are you in today? This is going to be painful. I’ve brought your pain medication. All of it-it never mattered because I thought, I hoped against hope, that we could come out of it and fix this. Fix us.”

  “So maybe the fact that I was there did bring you through it. I’m happy to hear it. I don’t want to be a bad person, Thomas. I don’t, but you turn me into one. This, us… I don’t want it anymore. I haven’t loved you for a long time.”

  “So why didn’t you leave then? Before the accident? There was time. We both know that.” Eve’s eyes flickered away and two identical spots of color rode high on her cheekbones. He had his answer before he even asked. “This. All of this. It was the only thing that mattered to you. This house, the things, your clothes, the car… what I could provide. The money. You stayed because you didn’t want to give it all up.”

  “Yes, alright? Yes, that was part of the reason, but only part. It was also because I didn’t know how to end it. I knew I’d hurt you and that it would be a mess. I didn’t want that. I just kind of hoped that you had fallen out of love as well and we could walk away as adults.”

  “As adults,” Thomas scoffed. “Right. That’s what we’re going to do right now. I’ll tell you how it’s going to be. Tomorrow you’re going to go to a lawyer and ask them to draw up papers splitting our assets down the middle. And by that, I mean you will keep this house, your car. Everything that mattered so much to you and I will keep the same dollar value for those assets. The remaining money will be split down the middle. You can go and do it with my blessing.”

  “Why would you do that?”

  “It’s yours by law. We lived together long enough. I figured I’d save us both the time and hassle of battling it out in court. This shit, the house, the car, all this stuff, it doesn’t mean a thing to me. I would rather invest my efforts at putting my life back together into something that truly matters.”

  Thomas took a step forward and Evie backed up. He paused when he saw the flare of fear in her eyes. It cut him, wounded him deeply. Did she really ever think he could hurt her? He loved her. Or at least, he thought he did. Now he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure who it was he truly loved at all.

  Della’s eyes, so very different than Evie’s though they were the same pale blue and size, flashed through his mind. Della looked exactly like her sister, yet she couldn’t be more different if she tried. He thought that he’d fallen in love with Evie all over again after that day in the kitchen. Maybe he’d just fallen in love period.

  “I… I don’t know what to say,” Evie mumbled. Guilt settled in on her face. The fact that she’d so blatantly chosen material things over what he thought and felt couldn’t sit well.

  “Just say goodbye, Evie. I’ll make this as painless for you as I possibly can. We don’t both deserve to live in hell, after all.”

  “And my sister?”

  “What about your sister?”

  The hair on the back of Thomas’ neck and arms stood on end. A strange, protective instinct stabbed him right in the gut. His heart beat a little faster in his chest. He blinked and in that split second of darkness, he saw Della. Saw her bending in the kitchen, wrapping her arms around him, telling him he was safe and she was there and he was going to make it through his living hell. he saw her defending him in that store when they’d gone to buy dishes, her hand in his at her parent’s house, the hope in her eyes when she’d found a therapist she thought could help. Finally, he saw her as he’d seen her earlier that afternoon. Making love to him, face beautifully screwed up in the throes of passion. She’d touched him, adored him, tasted and caressed and loved each and every single scar that was a part of him now.

  Evie shrugged. “She’s a mess. She came back to her apartment to tell me what happened. Sobbing. I’ve never seen her like this.”

  “I didn’t mean to hurt her.”

  He was surprised when she rolled her eyes callously. “Get over yourself. You didn’t hurt her at all. She hurt herself. She told me that she’s loved you since she met you. All these years we were together, she secretly wanted you… or something. I don’t even know. It’s weird to think about. I don’t even know my own twin.”

  Thomas shuddered. He couldn’t believe that Evie could be so callous. How was I ever in love with this woman? He felt like he’d been blinded by Evie’s charm, her beauty, her natural grace. The way she looked at him in the beginning, acted, felt… it had to have been real. He thought so, but he was no longer sure.

  “Has this past year really made you so hard that you would say those things about your own sister?”

  Evie blinked. She finally shrugged, her face a carefully composed mask that gave away nothing she was feeling. Maybe she felt nothing at all. It was hard to even tell.

  “Look, Thomas, I’ll fix things with Della. Don’t worry about anyone finding out what happened. She already told me and I certainly won’t tell anyone. This is between the three of us.”

  He nodded, only because he didn’t want to hurt Della any further. The anger he felt at having been tricked hadn’t faded entirely, but a slow understanding was starting to take its place. He’d seen the way Della looked at him. He knew that love was real. The tenderness, the understanding, the compassion, her soft heart. It was all real. She hadn’t meant to trick him or play him false. She truly was worried about him and she had every single right to be.


  Without her intervention, Thomas didn’t know where he’d currently be. Probably at the bottom of another whisky bottle feeling damn sorry for himself for having lived at all.

  Della would probably say she hadn’t done much, but she’d done everything. She was everything he needed. Without her, without those simple actions and genuine emotions, he knew he’d still be a mess. Probably worse than he was that day in the kitchen. He was just starting out on the road to recovery, but at least he was on his way instead of beating a fast pace to his own destruction.

  “Tell her I’m sorry for being angry with her. I don’t want her to feel bad…”

  “Feel bad? How can she not? This whole bad idea was hers. She just wanted to see what it would be like to be me for a couple days. She wanted to sleep-”

  “Enough,” Thomas cut her off. “That’s enough. Please just leave. In the morning I’ll sign the house over to you. Find a lawyer and do it fast. Have them contact mine. You know who I’ll use.”

  “Yes.” Evie nodded. “I know.”

  The silence in the kitchen grew and stretched on, heavy and oppressive. “That’s it then. Tomorrow I’ll move out. I’ll find somewhere else. Welcome back to your life, Eve. You’ll have everything you ever wanted.”

  She had the grace to look a little ashamed. Just a little, before she spun on a pair of ridiculously high heels and left. The front door slammed a moment later.

  Thomas stood, glued to the floor, breathing heavily. He glanced around slowly. He didn’t know what he’d take with him. Nothing in here mattered to him. Nothing at all. There was not one thing he couldn’t live without.

  At least not in the house.

  Della.

  He wanted to talk to her. To tell her he understood. That he forgave her and wanted her to move on and be happy. He couldn’t do that. At least not right now, not when it was all still so fresh and raw. He’d disappear. Start his life over somewhere else, somewhere no one would find him.

  For the first time since the accident, he wasn’t running. He wasn’t hiding. He just wanted to be on his own, by himself. He could live with that now. Della’s plan, ridiculous or crazy as it might have been, had worked. She’d pointed him in the right direction, the direction of healing. The rest was up to him.

  EPILOGUE

  Della

  The crisp mountain air never felt more alive than it did out in the middle of the woods. The tires of Della’s rental car crunched down the gravel road that led to the driveway of a remote little cabin.

  Her hands shook just a little on the steering wheel. She debated about turning around and heading back to Denver, but she’d already come this far. She’d waited in airports for hours, flown from Phoenix to Denver, rented a car and driven the hour out along the freeway to the more remote forested area where so many people chose to live or have season cottages.

  Della filled her lungs with a deep breath. Breathe in and out. In and out. Don’t turn around. You’ve come too far to stop now.

  She navigated her car down the narrow driveway and stopped when the trees gave way to a clearing that contained a small log cabin and a garden beside it. She killed the engine and leaned back against the driver’s seat.

  The hard truth was, she missed Thomas. She hadn’t seen him for months. Evie had finally given in and let her have Thomas’ address. She only knew it herself because she had to forward mail from the house to his new place.

  Della debated for a few very long days what to do with that information. Should she go to Colorado? Why would she? She couldn’t force herself on a man who didn’t want to be a part of her life. He’d never told her or Evie that he’d forgiven them for what they’d done. He’d just… disappeared.

  She missed him. She missed everything about him. Sometimes she dreamt about Thomas. She just wished, above all, that she knew that he was alright. Maybe then she could go on with her life.

  The front door of the cabin slowly opened. Della’s lungs deflated as a hard rush of air was torn from them at the sight of the tall, broad-shouldered figure standing on the small, rustic porch. He put a hand up to his eyes to shade them from the sun. He stared at the car, as though trying to figure out who could possibly be inside.

  Della forced her shaking hand to the door handle. She climbed out, never once taking her eyes from Thomas’ face. His mouth didn’t fall open in surprise. His eyes didn’t register shock nor did they hold any warmth when he recognized her.

  Finally, he stepped down from the porch and walked towards the car. It was a good thing because her flip-flop clad feet were frozen to the ground. The car door was still open and her fingers clutched it to keep herself from falling over.

  Thomas stopped right in front of her. His eyes assessed her, raking over her body from head to foot before flickering back up to her face. He looked amazing, like the fresh air had given him new life. His eyes sparkled. He was clean shaven but likely only because half of his one cheek could no longer grow a beard. He sported a blue plaid cotton shirt and a pair of well worn, faded jeans.

  “What are you doing here, Della?” He finally asked.

  His voice wasn’t rough or soft, not inviting or uninviting, just somewhere in the middle. It gave her a shiver of sensation to know that he knew it was her. He’d said her name.

  “I… Evie told me where you lived. I asked her for an address because I wanted to send you a letter. I wanted to tell you everything that I couldn’t say in person. I-I just wanted to make sure you were doing alright.”

  A deep frown line appeared between his eyes, on the bridge of his nose. “That’s the one thing, after all these months, that I’ve never understood. Why you cared so much? Why you thought you could save me when Evie, the woman who was supposed to love me, had given up. Why didn’t you just let her? I was a grown man. It was up to me if I moved forward or not.”

  Della finally found the strength to let go of the car door. It hung open, uselessly. “I had to,” she whispered. “I didn’t want you to be hurt more than you already had. I did it because I’ve always loved you. Right since the time I met you, I’ve always, always loved you, Thomas.”

  He blinked. “You told me that once. In the end, but I was too angry to hear it or believe it. I don’t know if I can process it, even now. How could you have had the patience to stand by and watch your sister happy with the man you loved and wish her well? Wait. Don’t even answer that. It’s not important. It really does tell me what kind of person you are. Selfless. Kind. Compassionate. I know your heart was in the right place and I know you’re the reason that I’m here instead of killing myself by not having the will to live.”

  “Oh?” She couldn’t really believe Thomas was saying those words. That maybe, just maybe, there was a chance that he would forgive her after all.

  “Yes. The funny thing is, I was also going to write you a letter. To tell you that it all worked out and that I get it. I’m thankful for the kindness you showed me.”

  “I-uh- could never send the letter. Everything I wrote sounded so corny. I could never find the right words.”

  “So you came instead?”

  “I did. I hoped I would know what to say when the time came, but I don’t. I don’t at all.”

  His lips actually curled into a small smile. “So you’re standing here, over eight hundred miles from home.”

  “Yes. Like I said, I just needed to see that you were well. That’s truly all I’ve ever wanted.”

  “And nothing else?”

  What else could I possibly say? That I still love you? That I never stopped despite everything? Della swallowed hard to clear her burning throat. “No. I-I wanted to know if you ever got that dog.”

  Surprise flashed through Thomas’ eyes. “No. I never did get one.”

  “That’s a lucky thing then.” Della reached into the car for her purse and fished out her phone. “While I was waiting at the airport this morning I did a quick online search of a few of the animal shelters and rescue groups in Denver. Turns out there is qui
te a selection. I thought maybe you’d want to rescue one. Give it a second chance at life and happiness…”

  “Spare one like I was spared? Choose one with a hard past? The one no one else wants, the one everyone has given up hope on and teach it what it’s like to love again?”

  “Yes. I suppose that’s what I would do.”

  “So, you came all the way out here to assure yourself that I’m well and ask me if I had a dog?”

  Della dipped her head. “No,” she admitted. She churned up the dirt of the driveway with the toe of her black flip-flop. “I guess I came all the way out here for you.”

  “For me?”

  There was the barest amount of huskiness in his voice and it brought Della’s head up. She was shocked to see that the twinkle was back in Thomas’ eyes. He looked at her the way he used to look at her when he thought she was Evie and it was so obvious that he loved her. Her heart started to hammer hard in her chest. She couldn’t dare hope.

  “Yes. For you. I haven’t forgotten any of it, Tommy. Not the feel of your skin, the perfection and the flaws, the smoothness and the ridges of your scars and burns. I haven’t forgotten the way you smell, the feel of your heartbeat under my fingertips or… not any of it.”

  He swallowed audibly and had to clear his throat before he reached out and took her hand. It was his good hand and she noticed immediately there were new callouses on his palm. Callouses from the work it took to live away from everyone else.

  “You saved my life, Della. The EMT’s that pulled me out of that burning car saved me the first time. The doctors and nurses, they all kept me alive, but it was you who gave me hope. Not Evie. You. Even if I thought you were her, I should have known better. I just thought it was like it was in the beginning, that life could give you a reset button and you could just return to loving someone and they could love you all over again, like they used to. That was a foolish hope. I realized now, in all the months I’ve had to think about it, that I should have known right away you weren’t Evie. My head was a mess and it didn’t even clue in until that afternoon I realized your birthmark wasn’t there. In all this quiet time to reflect out here, all the time I’ve had to think, I’ve realized that I fell in love with you. Della. Not Evie. You gave me everything I needed when I needed it most.”