Scars of Love

by Lindsey Hart

  “Why not?” Jane pressed, plopping down in her seat before snatching a hair tie from her purse to pull back her red curls with. “Because you want him, and if you give in to your lusty feelings it’ll be incest?”

  “It will not! We’re not blood related!”

  Jane threw her head back in laughter. “Okay, one: you just got super defensive, and two: you said ‘will’ which means you’re totally planning on seducing him.”

  Lisa frowned, shaking her orange juice and then twisting its’ cap off.

  “I’m not planning on seducing him, trust me. He’s totally off limits.”

  “Why not? You two already practically have a family together.”

  “Just until I graduate.”

  “Then what? You think he’s just gonna be fine with being out of Jason’s life? Nu-uh. It’s gonna be shared custody, Lisa. You’re gonna be dropping and picking Jason up at that man’s apartment for years.”

  Lisa hadn’t thought of that. And why hadn’t she?

  Because it was too much to think about.

  “Even if I did, say, want to be with Alex,” she said. “He’s not relationship material. He’s a total player.”

  “I know. You told me. But how long have you guys been living there?”

  “A few weeks.”

  “Have there been any girls around?”

  “No. But it’s only been a few weeks.”

  “So does he ever go out?”

  Did he ever go out? Lisa froze, her fork hovering above her casserole. Come to think of it, every night since she and Jason had moved in, Alex had spent his time at home.

  “No. He hasn’t gone out.”

  “So maybe he’s changed.”

  “Come on, Jane. People don’t just change.”

  Jane shrugged. “Not usually. But sometimes they do. All I’m saying is give the guy a chance. His brother just died, after all. There’s no telling what kind of impact that’s had on him.”

  Lisa bit her lip, turning her friend’s words over in her mind. Could Jane be right? Might Alex actually be a different man than the one Sara and Daniel had always told her about?

  Lisa smiled and lightly poked Jane with her fork. “I should know better than to have conversations like this with a psych major. You can’t stop trying to figure everything out.”

  “Hello?” Lisa called softly, shutting the door and dropping her backpack on the floor. The apartment was totally quiet. Please God, let the baby be asleep, she prayed. With three classes and her dinner shift at the restaurant, it had been one long ass day. Through each hectic hour, though, she’d been thinking about what Jane had said at lunch. Could it be true? Might Alex really have changed after the car accident?

  The lights were off in the kitchen. Had Alex gone to bed? It wasn’t yet ten o’clock. Still, though, he’d had to pick up Jason from daycare and take care of the baby all evening long all by himself. Lisa knew first-hand just how exhausting that could be.

  Moving into the kitchen, she saw a plastic-wrapped plate of food sitting on the Formica island. A strange emotion – something that was a mix of surprise and guilt – hit her as she read the sticky note taped to the plastic.

  ‘Hope you had a good night - The boys.’

  Alex had not only made her dinner, but he had taken the time to write a sweet little note. No matter that it was short and simple. It was the gesture that counted.

  Lisa smiled and wiped away a tear, and suddenly – forcefully – tremendously – hoped with every cell in her body that Alex really had changed. All the signs seemed to be saying that he had. And she hadn’t wanted to believe it – she didn’t want to make a mistake and get hurt. She wasn’t that kind of girl – no, she wasn’t a fool.

  But the truth was getting harder and harder to deny: Alex was the kind of man lots of girls dreamed of coming home to – and Lisa was actually getting to live the dream.

  She unwrapped the plate and set it in the microwave, then tiptoed back into and across the living room. Jason’s bedroom was the first one in the hallway. Across from it was the main bathroom, and then down the hall was Lisa’s room, and across from it Alex’s – which had its own bathroom. The air was just as still and quiet as it had been in the kitchen and living room. Jason’s door was open halfway. Lisa went to it and peeked around, careful not to touch the door and make it creak.

  There, reclining in the rocking chair, was Alex, with Jason fast asleep on his chest. Alex had his feet up on the footstool and the lavender flannel baby blanket that Lisa had given Sara at her baby shower was draped across the two of them. Jason’s little back fell and rose as he breathed deep, his face pressed against Alex’s broad chest.

  Lisa felt strange standing there watching them sleep – like she was infringing on another adult’s privacy. She couldn’t tear herself away from the doorway, though. And she knew she wasn’t going to be able to tear herself away from this life once her college ended next year. The longer she stayed here, the harder it was going to get. But she had to stay. For Jason. She just had to find some way to live with her feelings for Alex.

  “I’m falling in love with you,” she whispered, surprising herself. She slapped a hand over her mouth. Neither the man or the baby moved, though.

  Lisa steadied her breathing, closed her eyes, and nodded. Yes. I’m falling in love with you. I’ll deal with it, though.

  “No work today?” Alex asked, shaking the frying pan and flipping a pancake without even looking.

  Lisa shook her head and went back to feeding Jason. The baby was in a particularly good mood today, cooing and smiling more than usual. For the first time, Lisa wondered just how much his parents’ deaths had impacted him. She had thought he was too young to even realize the people who used to be around weren’t anymore, but maybe she was wrong. Maybe the sudden disappearance of his mom and dad had hurt him deeply. Maybe his sleep with Alex last night had been just what he’d needed. They’d spent the whole night in the rocking chair, even sleeping in later than Jason usually did.

  “Awesome. We should do something fun.”

  “Umm… fun?”

  Lisa didn’t even think about ‘fun’ anymore. She thought about life, which was going to school, going to work, changing diapers, and warming bottles – oh yeah, and getting the chance to study for an hour here and there, if she was lucky.

  “Yeah. It’s Saturday.”

  “What do you usually do on the weekends? I mean, what did you do before we moved in?”

  Alex didn’t answer. Instead, he slid the pancakes out of the pan and onto a serving plate, then walked over to the table. His arm brushed Lisa’s as he set the plate down, and the fresh scent of pine wafted off him. Her chest clenched.

  He went to the cabinet, grabbing plates and silverware. “Really,” he finally said. “Not that much.”

  “What’s ‘not that much’? You didn’t just sit around staring at the wall all weekend.”

  Setting the table, he kept his back turned, and Lisa realized he was trying not to look at her. Was he embarrassed?

  He sat down next to her and cleared his throat. “I’d hang out with my friends. Watch sports. Maybe go to bars.”

  “Pick up girls?”

  Lisa wanted to slap herself. She couldn’t believe she’d just asked him that.

  Finally, he looked at her, a wide grin on his face. “Why?”

  Lisa swallowed. Hard. “Just curious.”

  His smile faltered, and he looked sad. “Sometimes… Actually, maybe too much.”

  Lisa wondered just how many girls he’d brought back to this apartment. How many of them had he had sex with? And had any of that sex happened in what was now her room? Or on the couch that she sat on every day, doing homework or rocking Jason? Jealousy coursed through her.

  “How come you don’t have a boyfriend?”

  Lisa laughed. “A boyfriend? I don’t think I’ve had time for that since high school.”

  She stood up to put Jason in his high chair. “Besides, the only place I
can meet people is at school. And the boys my age are just awful.”

  Alex laughed. “I can’t disagree with that. Although, the men that are older probably aren’t much better either.”

  Lisa glanced at him. Why had he asked about a boyfriend?

  “How old are you anyway?”

  “I’m thirty.”

  “And do you act like you are twenty-one? That is what you’re suggesting, right? That all men are immature?”

  Lisa leaned against the table, her hand on her hip. She felt like she had the upper-hand in this conversation, and it felt great.

  Alex bit his lip. Slowly, he spoke. “I would like to think… that I’m growing some, finally. Especially after the last month.”

  For the first time in the conversation, he looked right into her eyes, and Lisa felt the entire room turn upside down as that one gaze pushed aside all the pretenses of the last few weeks. She felt like he was looking right at her, and seeing nothing but her, and she was looking right at him and seeing nothing but him.

  Unable to stand anymore, Lisa fell into her chair, her butt practically splintering the wood. She couldn’t take her eyes off the tablecloth. What was she supposed to say after that extreme show of honesty?

  Alex cleared his throat. “I hope you like bacon.”

  She looked up at him. “I love it.”

  “Parking is always crazy here on Saturdays,” Alex said, driving around the lot for the second time in a row. “But trust me, it’s very worth it.”

  “How do you know about this place anyway?”

  “I come here sometimes with my friend Dan and his little girls. They love the paddle boats.”

  Alex hanging out at a kiddie park on Saturdays? Now that was a side to the man that Lisa would never have imagined.

  “Here we go – found one.”

  He smoothly slid the car into the parking spot and was out and unbuckling Jason before Lisa had even found where she’d thrown her purse.

  “What if we take a ride on the train first, then hit the petting zoo, and then the water playground? It’ll be almost noon by then, so Jason can cool off in the water.”

  Lisa threw her hands up, making a show of her total surrender. “You are the expert. I don’t think I’ve ever even been to a place like this.”

  He closed the car door and put Jason’s little sunhat on the baby’s head.

  “Your foster parents didn’t take you guys to parks?”

  Lisa looked away. “The few foster parents we had… Well, they were just doing their best. Let’s put it that way.”

  Before she even knew he was reaching out, Alex was touching her cheek, his thumb gently stroking down her jaw. The touch was tender, but there was a strong current of sexual desire hidden underneath it. Lisa could feel it, pulsating through his fingers, charging into her skin, and traveling down her entire body.

  For the first time, she realized that he might actually want her in the same way that she wanted him.

  Unable to stop herself, she turned her cheek into his hand, surrendering to his touch. He cupped her face, and they stood there for one long moment. A shaky breath entered and left her body.

  Finally, she stepped back. Each new moment with him felt better than the last, and she had to distance herself before she lost it.

  She grabbed her sunglasses from her purse and slipped them on. “Should I grab the stroller?”

  “I’ll just carry him.”

  “Okay. We can take turns.”

  “Sounds good,” he smiled, walking off towards the park entrance.

  Lisa rubbed her shoulders, trying not to think about all the different things she and Alex could ‘take turns’ at – things that had absolutely nothing to do with baby carrying.

  “Say ‘Hi Aunt Lisa’!” Alex said, waving the baby’s hand.

  Lisa held her phone up, snapping another picture as Jason and Alex spun around on the carousel. The horse they rode on rose up and the baby smiled.

  “Your husband and son are so adorable,” a voice to her left said.

  Lisa looked and saw a brunette woman dressed all in pink smiling at her.

  “Oh,” she stuttered. “….Thank you.”

  Husband? Lisa knew she should correct the woman. Then again, why bother?

  Jason and Alex spun around again, and Lisa’s left thumb rubbed against her ring finger-the place where a wedding ring would rest. What would it be like to wear a ring Alex had given her?

  She’d never had such a thought about any man before. The only thing she’d wondered when it came to marriage was whether or not she actually wanted to be in one someday. And the thought had always been an abstract one. She’d never actually been with anyone that she’d considered as long-term material. She’d had two or three boyfriends, but they had all turned out to be incredibly immature. All they’d wanted was sex.

  They’d been players. Just like Alex.

  Or just like Alex had been.

  He’s different, Lisa, she told herself. Even more so than he was when you moved in a month ago. Open your eyes.

  The carousel slowed down, coming to a stop. Alex climbed down, cradling Jason against his shoulder. As he walked closer to Lisa her heart beat faster and faster. She was spiraling down into a crazy unknown land, and it was too late to turn back. She was in love with him. It was crash and burn or soar and fly. The only thing to do now was to pray that she could hold it in.

  Jason slept, cradled in his car seat, completely still and silent.

  “We should do this every day,” Lisa said, turning back to face the front seat. “If it makes him take this hardcore of a nap.”

  “You mean quit school and work and just go to the park?”

  “That’s exactly what I mean,” she giggled.

  He smiled back at her, the warmth of his grin bridging the foot between them and settling on her. “I like how you think.”

  “I like how you think.”

  He laughed now, too. “About what?”

  She looked down at her hands, folded in her lap. “About what it means to be kind.”

  “You showed me how to be kind, Lisa,” he said.

  She looked back at him, surprised. “What?”

  “You gave yourself completely to Jason. You set the example for me. I’m just trying to be like you.”

  Tears pricked at Lisa’s eyes, but for the first time in a month, they weren’t tears of sadness. They were tears of pure, unbridled gratitude.

  “I wish that you and I had hung out some before all this happened,” she said. “I mean, not at Thanksgiving at Aunt Marsha’s.”

  He laughed, and then grew silent. A few moments passed in quiet.

  “You wouldn’t have liked me before, Lisa,” he said, his tone grave.

  “Why not?” She knew the answer though, she just wanted to hear him say it – not only that, but she wanted to hear him say that he’d changed.

  “I meant what I said about you showing me how to be kind. You and Jason have changed me – for the better.”

  He took one hand off the wheel and reached it across the console. Warm, strong fingers wrapped around Lisa’s hand, and she held them in her lap, savoring the moment – enjoying the moment… and giving thanks for it all.

  “Out like a baby,” Lisa winked, walking into the living room, where Alex was sitting reading a book.

  “Hmmm. Maybe we should just forget about the rest of our lives and spend every day at the park.”

  Lisa laughed, plopping down on the couch right next to him. Her foot brushed against his leg, and she wondered if he was as painfully aware of the light touch as she was.

  She sat in silence, not sure what to say. Self-consciously, she picked up the remote control and started surfing through channels. She wasn’t really paying attention to the TV though – not with Alex so close. Ever since he’d reached out and held her hand that afternoon every single nerve in her body had been turned on and tuned to one channel: The Alex Network. All Alex, All the Time.

  “Want to
play a board game?” he asked, breaking the silence.

  Lisa looked away from the mindless car commercial that was on the screen.

  “A board game? Seriously?”

  “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “You just don’t seem like the kind of guy who has board games lying around his apartment.”

  Alex shrugged. “Okay, so they’re not just lying around. It’s been a while since I’ve broken them out.”

  “What do you have?”

  He grinned. “Let’s see.”

  “Yes! Yes!! Two hundred more dollars for me!” Lisa squealed, doing a happy little dance in her seat.

  “Wow. I am so behind you right now it’s embarrassing.”

  “Are you ashamed to be losing at Monopoly to a girl?”

  “Of course not. I’m a feminist. We should have played Go Fish though. I’d have kicked your butt at that.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Losers talk; winners walk.”

  Playfully, he tossed a couch pillow at her. She caught it and threw it back.

  “You know what game I miss playing most from when I was a kid?” he asked.

  “What?”

  “Capture the Flag.”

  “Oooh, yeah.” Lisa leaned forward, taking another sip of her water. “And what about Hide and Seek? Man, I was good at that one.”

  Alex grinned. “How good?”

  “Sara hardly ever found me when we played. One time, when I was five, I hid at the bottom of a clothing hamper. Covered myself up with dirty socks and everything.”

  “Wow. You really are hardcore.”

  “Yeah. I know.”

  “Let’s play it now.”

  “Hide and Seek? There aren’t really a lot of places to hide in here.”

  “What if we turn off the lights?”

  Lisa hopped off the couch, knocking the monopoly board off the coffee table. “Yes! Genius.”

  Alex switched off the floor lamp, then moved towards the kitchen. “Will you get the hall light?”

  “Yeah. Any place off limits?”

  “Other than Jason’s room? No.”

  “Hell hath no fury like a baby wakened.”

  Lisa giggled and hit the hall switch. With the curtains drawn and no lights on, it was eerily dark. “Wait. Who’s hiding first?” she asked.