Love All the People (New Edition)

by Bill Hicks

  ‘Stop making jokes about meee. (makes satanic snorting, growling noise) I’ll spell potato any fucking way I want. (snorting, growling) Rioters in LA – let’s nuke them. Bush was a pussy. (snorting, growling) He held me back.’

  Frightening people, man. Bush tried to buy votes towards the end of the election. Goes around, you know, selling weapons to everyone, getting that military industrial complex vote happening for him. Sold 160 fighter jets to Korea and then 240 tanks to Kuwait, and then goes around making speeches why he should be commander-in-chief, because, ‘We still live in a dangerous world.’ Thanks to you, you fucker! What are you doing? Last week Kuwaitis had nothing but rocks! Quit arming the fucking world, man. You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know, during the Persian Gulf War those intelligence reports would come out: ‘Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons.’ How do you know that?

  ‘Uh, well . . . we looked at the receipt.43 Ah but as soon as that cheque clears, we’re going in. What time’s the bank open? Eight? We’re going in at nine. We’re going in for God and country and democracy and here’s a foetus and he’s a Hitler.44 Whatever you fucking need, let’s go. Get motivated behind this, let’s go!’

  Oh, oh, looks like Mr Major’s on the hot seat there for a second too. Little Iraq-gate,45 little rapscallion he is. ‘Did we send, did I do . . . did . . . I’ll have to check Maggie’s old calendar.’ What’s funny about this, every one of your papers says that you guys sold Iraq ‘machine tools’ . . . which Iraq then converted . . . into military equipment. I have news for you, folks: a cannon . . . is a machine tool. Your Orwellian language notwithstanding, it’s a fucking machine, it’s a tool. Our papers in the States have the same thing. We sold Iraq ‘farming equipment’ which Iraq then ‘converted’. How did they do this?

  ‘Simsalabim, simsalabim, oooh salabim, sim sim sim salabim.’

  ‘Wow! It was a chicken coop; it’s now a nuclear reactor!’

  ‘This war’s for Aladdin.’

  Farming equipment which they converted into military, OK, you got me, I’m curious, exactly what kind of farming equipment is this?

  ‘Oh! OK, well, it was stuff for the farmers of Iraq.’

  ‘Yeah? What?’

  ‘Ooh OK, ahhh well, ooh, one of the things we gave them was for the farmer. It’s a new thing we came up with called ah, the ah, flame-throwing rake. No it was for the farmer, see. He would rake the leaves and then just turn around. (makes explosion noise) But you know what the Iraqis did with that?’

  ‘There’s no trees in Iraq, what are you sending them rakes for, you asshole?’

  ‘We could have done our research better perhaps, yes.’

  ‘What else did you sell ’em?’

  ‘OK, ah one of the other things we gave ’em was a new thing . . . for the farmer. The, ahh, armoured tractor. No, see, farmers when they farm would look over their shoulders at times and ah they won’t see a tree and they’ll hit it maybe and there’ll be a wasp’s nest in the tree and the wasps will come in and sting ’em. So we put four inches of armour all over the tractor. And a turret to shoot pesticide on the wasps. Yeah, but you know what the Iraqis did with that? Can’t trust ’em.’

  I’m so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of ’em. We’re like the bullies of the world, you know. We’re like Jack Palance in the movie Shane . . . throwing the pistol at the sheep herder’s feet:

  ‘Pick it up.’

  ‘I don’t wanna pick it up, mister; you’ll shoot me.’

  ‘Pick up the gun.’

  ‘Mister, I don’t want no trouble, huh. I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don’t even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain’t looking for no trouble, mister.’

  ‘Pick up the gun.’ (three gunshots)

  ‘You all saw him. He had a gun.’

  Kennedy. I love talking about the Kennedy assassination, because to me it’s a great example of, ah, a totalitarian government’s ability to, you know, manage information and thus keep us in the dark; anyway they . . . oh sorry, wrong meeting . . . ah, shit. That’s the meeting we’re having tomorrow at the docks. I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You know you can go down there and, ah, to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository. It’s a museum called . . . the Assassination Museum. I think they named that after the assassination. I can’t be too sure of the chronology here but . . . Anyway, they have the window set up to look exactly like it did on that day. And it’s really accurate, you know, cos Oswald’s not in it. ‘Yeah, yeah so . . . wow, that’s cool.’ Painstaking accuracy, you know. It’s true, it’s called the Sniper’s Nest. It’s glassed in, it’s got the boxes sitting there. You can’t actually get to the window itself, and the reason they did that of course, they didn’t want thousands of American tourists getting there each year going, ‘No fucking WAY! I can’t even see the ROAD! Shit, they’re lying to us. FUCK! WHERE ARE THEY? THERE’S NO FUCKING WAY’ Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes, upside down from the ledge. Either that or some pigeons grabbed on to him, flew him over the motorcade . . . surely someone would have seen that. You know there was rumours of anti-Castro pigeons seen drinking in bars . . . Someone overhead them saying, ‘Coup, coup. Coup.’ Unbelievable. And you know what’s wild, people’s, ah, attitudes in the States about it. Talking about Kennedy, people come up to me: ‘Bill, quit talking about Kennedy, man. Let it go. It’s a long time ago, just forget about it.’ And I’m like:

  ‘All right, then don’t bring up Jesus to me. As long as we’re talking shelf life here.’

  ‘Bill, you know Jesus died for you.’

  ‘Yeah, well it was a long time ago. Forget about it! How about this. Get Pilate to release the fucking files. Quit washing your hands, Pilate. Release the goddamn files. Who else was on that grassy Golgotha that day?’

  ‘Bill, it was just, you know, ha ha, taking over of democracy by a totalitarian government, let it go.’

  (snorts) ‘OK, sorry.’

  That’s another good thing about Bush being gone, man, cos for the last twelve years with Reagan and Bush, we have had fundamentalist Christians in the White House. Fundamentalist Christians who believe the Bible is the exact word of God, including that wacky fire and brimstone Revelations ending, have had their finger on the fucking button for twelve years. ‘Tell me when, Lord, tell me when. Let me be your servant, Lord.’ Fundamentalist Christianity: fascinating. These people actually believe that the Bi— ah, the world is 12,000 years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.

  ‘Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added ’em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages? 12,000 years.’

  ‘Well, how fucking scientific, OK. I didn’t know that you’d gone to so much trouble there. That’s good. You believe the world’s 12,000 years old?’

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘OK, I got one word to ask you, a one-word question, ready?’

  ‘Uh huh.’

  ‘Dinosaurs.’

  You know, the world’s 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, and existed in that time, you’d think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point:

  And O, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus . . . with a splinter in his paw. And O, the disciples did run a shriekin’: ‘What a big fucking lizard, Lord!’ But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus’s paw and the big lizard became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years, inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills. And O, Scotland did praise the Lord: ‘Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord.’


  But get this, I actually asked one of these guys, ‘OK, dinosaurs fossils – how does that fit into your scheme of life? Let me sit down and strap in.’ He said:

  ‘Dinosaur fossils? God put those here to test our faith.’

  ‘Thank God I’m strapped in right now here, man. I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. You believe that?’

  ‘Uh huh.’

  Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God might be . . . fuckin’ with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God running around: ‘Huh huh huh ho ho ho ho. We will see who believes in me now, ha ha . . . I am God, I am a prankster. I am killing Me. Huh ho ho ho.’ You know, you die and go to St Peter:

  ‘Did you believe in dinosaurs?’

  ‘Well, yeah. There was fossils everywhere. (makes sound of trapdoor opening) Aaaaaaarhhh!’

  ‘You fuckin idiot. Flying lizards, you’re a moron. God was fuckin’ with you!’

  ‘It seemed so plausible, ahhhh!’

  ‘Enjoy the lake of fire, fucker!’

  They believe this. You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever notice that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. ‘I believe God created me in one day.’ Yeah, looks liked he rushed it. They believe the Bible is the exact word of God, then they change the Bible! Pretty presumptuous, huh? ‘I think what God meant to say . . .’ I have never been that confident. Next we have a Bible out called The New Living Bible. It’s the Bible in updated and modern English. I guess to make it more palatable for people to read. But it’s really weird, when you listen to it. ‘And Jesus walked on water. And Peter said, “Awesome!”’ Suddenly we got Jesus hanging ten across the Sea of Galilee. Christ’s Bogus Adventure, you know. Deuteronomy 90210, you know.

  Such a weird belief. Lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he’s gonna want to see a fucking cross, man? ‘Ow.’ May be why he hasn’t shown up yet.

  ‘Man, they’re still wearing crosses. Fuck it, I’m not goin’, Dad. No, they totally missed the point. When they start wearing fishes I might show up again, but . . . let me bury fossil heads with you Dad, fuck ’em, let’s fuck with ’em! They’re fuckin’ with me now, let’s get ’em. Give me that brontosaurus head, Dad.’

  You know, it’s kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you know. ‘Thinkin’ of John, Jackie. We love him. Just tryin’ to keep that memory alive, baby.’ Back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left, back and to the left. Which, by the way, that action you see Kennedy’s head do in the Zapruder film – caused by a bullet . . . comin’ from up there, ha ha. Yeah, I know it looks to the layman or someone who might dabble in physics . . . This action here would have been caused by a bullet coming from . . . well . . . up here, did you see that? Did everyone see that? Yeah, but no. What happened was Oswald’s gun went off, causing an echo to echo through the buildings of Dealey Plaza, and the echo went by the limo on the left, up into the grassy knoll, hitting some leaves, causing dust to fly out, which fifty-six witnesses testified was a gunshot, cos immediately . . . Kennedy’s head went over. But the reason his head went over is cos the echo went by the motorcade on the left, and he went ‘What was that?’

  ‘So there, we have figured it out, go back to bed, America: your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America: your government is in control again. Here, here’s American Gladiators. Watch this! Shut up! Go back to bed, America: here’s American Gladiators. Here’s fifty-six channels of it. Watch these pituitary retards bang their fuckin’ skulls together and congratulate you on living in the Land of Freedom. Here you go, America. You are free – to do as we tell you. You are free – to do as we tell you.’

  ‘Oh good. Honey, I heard on the news that they’ve figured out that the gun, what happened is, is that there was an echo and Kennedy was, ah, asking ah Jackie what it was, and that’s why his head flew u— Honey what time’s Gladiators on? Are we missing it? Wooo, I’m so glad we’re free, honey.’

  This was just a few weeks ago. All these articles in the paper. ‘Is Gladiators too violent? And what are we doing watching this? Is it really good for us to watch? Is it too violent?’ NO! Fuck it! Give these guys chainsaws! Let them fuck each other up good. It’s not violent enough. Let these fuckin’ morons kill each other in that goddamn pit! Give them chainsaws an’ . . . I want to see a fuckin’ railway spike go through their eyeballs. How about this? Give everyone in the audience a pistol. ‘There, you fuckers! (makes sound of gunshots) See who comes out alive! (gunshots) You know, I’m tired of this false fuckin’ sanctimonious morality about life. ‘Ain’t life keen, ha ha. Let’s pat ourselves on the back.’ FUCK you! They want to kill each other, I’m filming it. You know?

  I, I had a great idea for the movies. No one wants to fucking hear it, I don’t know why. I was watching Terminator 2, and I’m thinking to myself, these are the most amazing stunts I have ever seen. A hundred million dollars it cost to make this film. How are they ever gonna top these stunts in a movie again? There’s no way. Unless . . . they start using terminally ill people . . . hear me out . . . as stuntmen in pictures. OK, not the most popular idea ever, but I prefaced it with that. What? You know, some of you probably think that’s cruel, don’t you? ‘Ooh, it’s cruel, terminally ill stuntpeople? Biiill. How cruel.’ You know what I think what cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room surrounded by strangers. Fuck that! Put ’em in the movies! Whaaat? Do you want your grandmother dying like a little bird in some hospital room? Her translucent skin so thin you can see her last heartbeat work its way down her blue vein? Or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris? Why be so selfish as to deprive her of that thrill?

  ‘Doc, how come you dressed my grandmother up as a mugger?’

  ‘Shut up and get off the set. Action! Push her towards Chuck.’

  (sound of karate kick)

  ‘Wow, he kicked her head right off her body! Did you see that? Did you see my grammy? She’s out of her misery. I just saw the greatest fucking movie of my life. Cool!’

  OK, not the most popular idea ever. All I’m saying is people are dying every day, and movies are getting more and more boring. I am the weaver. I don’t know . . . (whispers) ‘Is American Gladiators too violent? Ooh, I don’t know.’ Watch the fucking news, man; it’s frightening. What could be worse? You watch the news these days, you know, it’s unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you’re immediately going to be raped by some crack-addicted, Aids-infected pitbull, you know. Horrible news stories, you know.

  ‘Honey I’m gonna check the mail . . .’

  (makes sound of pitbull savaging something, then door slamming)

  ‘Whaddya say we stay inside tonight, baby? Let’s let the pizza delivery guy deal with that shit out there. Hello? Pizza delivery, could you send another car over please. I know that’s your third one, that last guy almost made it. I can almost reach the pizza box with the broom handle. How come those pitbulls are eating your driver but they’re not touching that fucking pizza? What do they know that we don’t know, hellooo?’

  Pretty soon we’re all gonna be locked inside our homes with no one on the street but pizza delivery guys and armoured cars with turrets shooting pizzas through the mail-slots of our front doors. Every house will glow with American Gladiators beamed in. ‘We are free – keep repeating, we are free.’ The news is just apocalyptic. Didn’t you think with the Cold War being over, things should have gotten better? How many of y’all were as stupid as I was in believing that? Wow, it’s over, forty years of threat of nuclear weapons, it’s over, cool, cool . . . WRONG! Now twelve different countries have nuclear weapons, it just got twelve times as bad, fuck you! Life is harder now. Work more – oop, jobs are scarce, fuck you! Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

  By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing . . . kill yourself. Thank you, thank you, t
hanks. Just a little thought. I’m just trying to plant seeds. Maybe, maybe one day, they’ll take root – I don’t know. You try, you do what you can. Kill yourself. Seriously though, if you are, do. Aaaah, no really, there’s no rationalization for what you do, and you are Satan’s little helpers. OK? Kill yourself, seriously. You are the ruiner of all things good, seriously. No, this is not a joke. You’re going, ‘There’s going to be a joke coming’, there’s no fucking joke coming. You are Satan’s spawn filling the world with bile and garbage. You are fucked and you are fucking us. Kill yourself. It’s the only way to save your fucking soul, kill yourself. Planting seeds. I know all the marketing people are going, ‘He’s doing a joke.’ There’s no joke here whatsoever. Suck a tailpipe, fucking hang yourself, borrow a gun from a Yank friend – I don’t care how you do it. Rid the world of your evil fucking machinations. Machina– Whatever, you know what I mean.

  I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now, too: ‘Oh, you know what Bill’s doing? He’s going for that anti-marketing dollar. That’s a good market, he’s very smart.’ Oh man, I am not doing that. You fucking evil scumbags! ‘Ooh, you know what Bill’s doing now? He’s going for the righteous indignation dollar. That’s a big dollar. A lot of people are feeling that indignation. We’ve done research – huge market. He’s doing a good thing.’ Goddamn it, I’m not doing that, you scumbags! Quit putting a goddamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet! ‘Ooh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession. Giant market, Bill’s very bright to do that.’ God, I’m just caught in a fucking web. ‘Ooh, the trapped dollar, big dollar, huge dollar. Good market – look at our research. We see that many people feel trapped. If we play to them, and then separate them into the trapped dollar . . .’ How do you live like that? And I bet you sleep like fucking babies at night, don’t you? ‘What did ya do today, honey?’ ‘Oh, we made ah, we made ah arsenic ah childhood food now, good night. (snores) Yeah we just said, you know, “Is your baby really too loud?” You know. (snores) Yeah, you know, the mums will love it.’ (snores) Sleep like fucking children, don’t ya? This is your world, isn’t it?