The Truth She Knew

by J. A. Owenby

  She leaned farther across the table and her eyes widened as I told her how we met at the party, Tammy’s rude attempt to distract him, the repercussions of Walker calling after 9 p.m., and our first few dates.

  “First of all, Lacey Anne Beaumont, you’re in big trouble for holding out on me,” she said, waving her finger at me.

  “I’m sorry, I just didn’t want to say anything until I knew it was real. And, I haven’t seen you to tell you,” I said.

  Emma leaned back in her chair and bolted upright again.

  “Holy crap, Lacey, your mom doesn’t have any idea?”

  “No! Dammit, Emma, what am I going to do?” I asked and slumped in my chair.

  “Well, so far he sounds acceptable, but in order to fully support this relationship I need to meet this Walker Farren. Second, I do not want to be anywhere close by when you tell your mom you’re dating him. She does not respond well to you dating. Granted, your last choice was complete gutter material, but maybe this one’s different.” She took a sip of her iced tea.

  “Emma, I’m in trouble. I shouldn’t be with him, but I like him, and I mean really like him. He’s different—there’s something special about him.”

  “Well, good grief, don’t knock it. Who cares why as long as he’s good to you? And who says you’re in trouble? Because your mom says you make bad choices? Well, the last one wasn’t a hit by any means, but that doesn’t mean you’re not capable of having a good boyfriend in your life. Besides, everyone knows she hates men.”

  “Emma! I don’t want to talk about this again,” I said. A frown crept across my face at how quickly the conversation had turned in an uncomfortable direction.

  “Lacey, you know I love you, and I even like your mom, but you need to recognize things for what they are. Your mom isn’t right all the time. In fact, she’s wrong about a lot.”

  “Emma, I can’t talk about her right now. I wanted to tell you about Walker,” I said as I slid my chair back to leave.

  “No, wait, Lacey, I’m sorry. My timing sucks. Don’t go.” Emma tilted her head to the side, brought her prayer hands together, and turned the puppy-dog eyes on. She made me laugh every time.

  “Okay, but no more talk about Mama. Not right now, okay?”

  “Promise,” she said as she saluted and grinned. “When do I get to meet him?”

  “I’m not sure, maybe next week? He’s taking me to meet his mom and little brother this Friday. I’m really nervous, but he assured me it’ll be okay.”

  “Wow, meeting his mom already, huh? He must really like you. I’m impressed!”

  “I hope so,” I said as I picked at the corner of my notebook. “Emma, I’m scared. I’ve never liked anyone this much before. It’s weird. It’s almost like I’ve known him forever—like we’ve met before and somehow found each other again.”

  “Alright, you’ve lost your mind now!” Emma said and smacked her forehead. “You’re talking about reincarnation or something silly.”

  I spewed my soda across the table as I burst into giggles. I grabbed a few napkins to soak up my mess before it reached our books. I shook my head and smiled.

  “Mama would really be praying for my soul,” I said, laughing. “What would I do without you, Emma?”

  “Well, lucky you, you won’t ever find out,” she said and winked.

  Chapter 10

  I didn’t manage anything productive in my journalism class that afternoon after talking with Emma about Walker. My mind constantly drifted toward him, and I couldn’t wait until Friday when I would meet his family. I wouldn’t see him tonight since I had to work, but I promised I’d call him as soon as possible after my shift.

  The minutes ticked by slower than molasses at work, but I finally pulled my Mustang into the carport at home. I would talk to Mama for a few minutes, but I intended to make it quick.

  “Hi, Mama,” I said as I opened the door. “How was your day?”

  “It’s been hell,” she said.

  I stopped cold and considered stepping right back out the door. I stood close enough to do it. I should leave before it got bad, but one look at Mama and I couldn’t. We were family, and family stuck together. I also wanted to tell her about Walker. Maybe this was my opportunity: show her some support, and then ease into the conversation.

  “Why? What’s wrong?” I asked as I put my purse on the stairs and sat in the rocking chair farthest away from her.

  “Where have you been?”

  “At work—I told you I had classes and work tonight. Gosh, Mama, if I forgot to tell you I’m really sorry. Why didn’t you call me?” My foot jiggled as the tension mounted between us.

  “Shut up, Lacey.” Her eyes narrowed as she stared at me. “You ruined my day. I’ve told you over and over that God gave me special gifts. I feel it when you’re telling me the truth or lying.”

  “Mama, what are you talking about? I went to my classes today, worked on the newspaper, and then went to work. I don’t understand what you’re talking about.” I tried to keep my voice even and non-defensive.

  “Are you sneaking around with some boy?”

  My heart stopped. What did she mean? Had she seen me with Walker somewhere? How did she know? Did God tattle on me again?

  “Mama, I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”

  “I was praying all day, worried about your safety and praying for your demons to leave. I kept having this awful feeling about you. Then God told me you had snuck off with a boy. So who is it?”

  “I was alright—you shouldn’t have worried about me. I was at school and work, nowhere else.” I stood up slowly and walked to the kitchen for some water; my heart was pounding so hard that my mind turned fuzzy.

  I took a long drink, trying to calm down, and then placed the glass on the counter. I hadn’t heard the recliner creak over the running water. I began to turn away from the sink as Mama grabbed my hair and pulled me backward. I tripped and stumbled over the kitchen chair, but managed to grab the table and break my fall.

  “You’re lying and you know it you little bitch! You’ve been my worst enemy since you were born. All you’ve ever done is bring pain into my life with your lies and slutty ways. You’re nothing, and you’ll never amount to anything as long as you keep living your life this way.” Her face darkened with each word.

  My mind screamed at me to move back and put some space between us, but my feet refused to obey. Those words shouldn’t hurt anymore, but they did. Every one of them cut me and it was only a matter of time before I would bleed out.

  “Mama, calm down, I didn’t do anything,” I whispered.

  “Who is he!” she screamed, leaning forward with her arms straight at her sides. Her fists were clenched so tightly that her knuckles were turning white.

  “Mama, please, you don’t understand!” I pleaded, starting to crumple into myself. My feet felt like they were nailed to the floor.

  Chapter 11

  I peeled my eyes open and quickly closed them to regain control of the spinning room. Overwhelming nausea hit me and I groaned. Why was I on the floor, and why in the hell did I ache like I’d been hit by a semi-truck?

  I opened my eyes again and blinked away the grit. I placed my hands underneath me and slowly sat up. I searched around the kitchen and living room, but they were empty. Oh my God, Mama had shoved me and I’d hit my head on the floor. Terror shot through me as I remembered the argument, but where was she? I half-expected her to be in the recliner, but it was empty.

  I pulled myself to a standing position and searched the kitchen and living room again, but I didn’t see her.

  “Mama?” my voice was raw. “Mama?”

  I left the kitchen and went to her and Patsy’s bedroom. I found her lying on the bed, probably praying.

  “Mama?” I said cautiously, refusing to get too close. She didn’t reply.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” I said.

  Still no response. I glanced at her nightstand. A few pills we
re scattered on the table and the bottle laid empty on its side. I grabbed the bottle and recognized her sleeping pills. My stomach clenched.

  “Mama!” I screamed as I shook her. “Mama, I’m sorry! No!”

  “Stop, Lacey,” she responded, her voice heavy with sleep. “Stop touching me.”

  “Mama! What did you do? How many did you take?”

  “You don’t care about me, Lacey. I’m tired of being hurt by you and everyone else. I don’t want to be your mother any longer.”

  “Mama, don’t say that.” Tears flowed down my cheeks as I struggled to see through them. “How many did you take?”

  “Stop being dramatic, Lacey. I only took two. I knocked the bottle over by accident.”

  “What?” I grabbed the bottle and read the recommended dosage. Take two at bedtime.

  “You’re okay? You just said you didn’t want to be here anymore,” I said and brushed the tears away.

  “I don’t, but you’re not important enough to kill myself over.”

  My mouth dropped open. How could she say something like that? Didn’t she love me? I clenched my hands as her words sunk into me like hot needles.

  At that moment, I didn’t care if she lived or died. I left her room, grabbed my purse, and ran downstairs and into my bedroom. I locked the door behind me and slid to the floor as the tears rushed out. My body shook as my tears turned into gut-wrenching sobs. Her words rang through my mind again: I don’t, but you’re not important enough to kill myself over.

  I hated her. I fucking hated her. I couldn’t breathe. I needed to leave. I could stay with Joss or Emma and her family, but the moment I thought it, guilt flooded through me. A large stone sunk into the pit of my stomach, along with any hope.

  I couldn’t. Mama had prayed all day on Sunday for the demons to leave me, but they hadn’t, and I’d hurt her. I couldn’t do that to anyone else. I just couldn’t. My heart constricted at the thought of staying or leaving. Exhausted, I curled up on the floor and drifted off to sleep.

  Chapter 12

  My entire body hurt. My head throbbed with each step I took. I’d never regretted working in the children’s department as much as I had today. And, to make it worse, we were busy, and I didn’t get off work until 9 p.m. The arguing and shrill squeals of children playing filled my world for hours. I could only imagine that no hangover was as torturous as this.

  My personal hell kept me from thinking about much else. A continual slow loop of last night’s events played over and over in my mind. I assumed I smiled at the customers, but I couldn’t recall any real conversations.

  In between the constant replay I considered leaving again, but I kept coming back to the same conclusion: I couldn’t hurt anyone else.

  I searched Catholic churches in the phone book on my dinner break instead of eating. I thought maybe a priest could perform an exorcism, but I had no idea how to even begin that conversation. Hi, I’m Lacey, and I’m possessed. Can you help me? It scared me to think they wouldn’t understand; only Mama would and without her, what would happen to me?

  I just wanted to clock out, go home, and crawl into bed. Unfortunately, that meant I would see Mama, and I had no idea what to expect. I couldn’t deal with her right now. I called home and talked to Patsy. I listened as Mama gave me permission to stay the night at Joss’s house. I didn’t think she wanted me to come home either.

  “Thanks, Patsy,” I said as I hung up the phone.

  I called Joss next. She could tell something was wrong by the sound of my voice, but she didn’t ask any questions.

  We closed at 9 p.m., and by 9:15 I’d counted the till, turned it in, clocked out, and stepped outside. A few coworkers were smoking and laughing in the parking lot. I waved goodbye and headed to my car. I tried to park close to the lamp posts at night so I could see around me, but tonight I hadn’t paid much attention.

  “Lacey.”

  Startled, I stumbled backward and dropped my keys and purse.

  “Lacey, crap, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Walker said and stepped into the light.

  “Shit, do you make a habit of lurking around people’s cars?” I winced at the sharpness in my voice.

  “Not generally—I thought you would see me standing here.” His hands were shoved in his pockets and he wasn’t smiling.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound mad. You just scared me.”

  “You never called last night.”

  “What? Oh God, Walker, I’m sorry. It, it was . . .” my voice trailed off. I couldn’t tell him what happened. I couldn’t tell him that Mama suspected I was seeing him and shoved me so hard that I’d hit my head and blacked out.

  “Hey, are you okay?” he asked. He took the opportunity to step closer. “You’ve been crying.”

  “No, not today at least.”

  “Your eyes are puffy.”

  “Well, thanks, that’s just awesome. CoverGirl can only do so much I guess. What are you doing here?” I asked and crossed my arms over my chest.

  “Lacey, look at me. You never called last night and I got worried. I didn’t want to call again and take the chance of your mother answering the phone. I came here to find out why you didn’t call. I thought maybe I’d done something and you were upset with me.”

  “No, Walker, you didn’t do anything wrong.” I bent down and picked up the items that had fallen out of my purse.

  “Let me help,” Walker said. We picked everything up in silence. He had somehow managed to move closer to me by the time we’d finished gathering my belongings and had stood up.

  “I hope we got everything,” he said as he rubbed my arm. “Talk to me.”

  Even in the dark, his blue eyes radiated. I found myself wanting to kiss him for caring enough to show up at work and check on me.

  I stepped into him and wrapped my arms around his neck.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  He pulled me against him and rested his cheek against mine. His warm breath tickled my ear as he held me.

  “I have no idea what’s going on Lacey, but don’t tell me you can’t see me anymore. We’re just getting started.”

  He knew what I’d planned to say. After last night, I realized I’d put myself and him in danger concerning Mama. It was selfish of me to stay with him, to even want to date him. I couldn’t tell him, though, so I let him hold me as silent tears slid down my cheeks.

  “Have you eaten dinner?”

  I shook my head no.

  “Okay, let’s get you some food and talk.”

  “You can drive my car,” I said and handed him the keys.

  He unlocked and opened the passenger door for me. Mama thought I was going to be with Joss, and I needed to find a phone and call her. She expected me to report back when I was out with my friends.

  “I need to find a phone and make a few calls first.”

  He didn’t ask any questions and drove through the mall parking lot to the nearest pay phone. Luckily there wasn’t any traffic when I called Mama. Patsy answered the phone again. I told her I was at Joss’s and we were heading out to grab a bite to eat. Then I called Joss and told her I was with Walker and that I’d arrive in a little while.

  “Take your time—I’ll leave the house unlocked for you,” Joss said.

  I got back in the car and Walker drove us to a restaurant where we could talk. I wasn’t sure what I was going to tell him. The hostess guided us to a booth in the back corner. I was grateful it wasn’t crowded as I slid into my seat across from Walker.

  We ordered our drinks and food. I’d skipped dinner and hadn’t realized I was hungry until we walked in and I could smell the food cooking.

  I stared out the window as the traffic went by. The silence hurt but the words were going to hurt more, so I delayed the conversation as long as I could. I wanted to delay it forever, but that wouldn’t be fair to him. So I would settle on spending the last few minutes with him that I could. I wanted to engrave him into my memory: his eyes, his dark hair, his kindness, his
soft kisses. If I managed that, I would have a piece of him forever.

  Walker held my hand; his thumb rubbed the back of it as he searched my face. My cheeks heated and I mentally swore for not hiding my emotions better. I was torn in a million directions. I wanted to be with him. I was falling for him.

  It would be another story if he ever found out, though. If he knew who I really was, or the things I did. And, for the first time in my life, I was a little bit scared that if I told him Mama had thrown me on the floor, he’d confront her. I couldn’t risk that either.

  “How was work?” Walker asked.

  “Busier than I hoped. There were a ton of incredibly loud children, and when you’re trapped in a small area that echoes, it’s rather tortuous. Most of the time I don’t mind it, but today I did.”

  The waitress brought our drinks and I slipped my hand away, found some aspirin in my bag, and downed a few. I folded my hands in my lap. Walker leaned back in his seat and sighed.

  “Just say it, Lacey. I can’t stand it. Your silence and small talk is tearing me up.”

  I stared at him, his raw honesty catching me off guard. I took a deep breath.

  “Walker, it’s not . . .”

  “You, it’s me,” he said, finishing my sentence.

  “It’s true—there’s so much you don’t know. My life is complicated, I’m complicated, and I don’t want to suck you into a black hole along with me. I care too much about you.”

  He leaned forward. “Say it again, Lacey.”

  “I care about you, Walker, I do. I’m crazy about you.”

  Relief spread across his face and in the next moment I snatched it away from him.

  “But it’s not enough. Just because I want to be with you, spend every waking moment with you, stay in your arms, and kiss you until my lips are numb doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do. It’s not the best for either of us and I’d be selfish to do it.”

  “How in the hell would that be selfish?” he asked as his dark eyebrows rose. “Tell me. If we want the same thing, how is that selfish?”