by J. A. Owenby
My heart belonged to him; I couldn’t fight it anymore. He was the best thing that had ever walked into my life, and I was going to hang on to him with everything I had.
“I love you too, Walker.”
He smoothed my hair away from my face and kissed my nose. I slid my hand around his back and pulled him to me. I wanted every part of him against me, wanted his warmth to fill me. Not just my body, but my mind, my heart, and the core of my being. I loved him. I loved this man for his strength and his ability to love me despite my craziness.
He placed a trail of kisses along my cheek and neck as he rolled me over onto my back. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him as close as possible.
“I love you, Lacey. I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you at the party,” he said as he continued planting kisses down my collarbone and to the V of my T-shirt.
I slipped my hand under his shirt and lightly ran my hands over his back and shoulders. I wanted to touch him forever. His skin burned under my touch and I welcomed the heat building between us.
I moaned as he continued kissing me, and his hand moved slowly up my stomach and stopped at the edge of my bra. He kissed my earlobe and finally my lips. His mouth was warm and gentle. I opened my mouth and invited him in, accepting him and everything he meant to me. I tilted my hips toward him and he groaned in response. His kiss deepened, our urgency for each other growing.
I slid his shirt up and broke the kiss only long enough to slip it over his head. His muscles tensed as I ran my nails down his back.
“You feel so good,” he said as he nuzzled my neck.
I slipped my shirt over my head and tossed it on the floor. Thank God I’d chosen my cute black bra.
“Lacey—” he said and abruptly sat back on his heels. “Lace, I didn’t just say I loved you because I wanted to sleep with you. You don’t have to do this. I don’t want you to ever question why I told you I love you, ever. It’s not about that, no matter how beautiful you are lying in my bed half-dressed.” He sighed and ran his hand through his dark hair.
“Walker, I’m not ready yet, but we can do other things until I am. I love you. I want to feel you on top of me, explore your body, and make you feel good. I want to make you happy in every way possible.”
“You do, Lacey. You’re so amazing it blows my mind. Your strength and gentleness, with everything you’ve gone through, is something I haven’t seen before. You still have faith and hope in people. Sometimes I’m in awe of how you can focus on the positive things. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but let’s put our shirts back on and take a break.” He sighed and rubbed his face.
I brought my hands to my chest and unwrapped my legs from around his waist. I’d misunderstood him. I’d thought he was okay with making out . . . everything but sex. I was wrong. Before I could stop them, tears pooled in my eyes.
“Hey! Wait, no, Lacey. No . . . shit, I’m so sorry,” Walker said as he pulled me to his chest and wrapped his arms around me. “I’m an ass. I didn’t mean it the way it came out. I want you, I want to be with you, I want to kiss you and run my hands over your body and do anything you’re okay doing. The reason I stopped is because you’ve been through a lot in the last few days. I can’t move too fast or you’ll doubt me and I can’t have that. I need you to trust and believe me when I tell you I love you and that I’m going to be there for you. I can’t allow something to mess with your mind. I want to wait for a little while. I need to know that you’re going to be okay. Being with someone for the first time is a huge step and I love you enough to slow down.”
“You’re sure? But you and Brittany had sex and I don’t want to lose you.”
Walker laughed. “Yeah, we did and look how we turned out. You don’t understand what I’m saying—I want to have sex with you. What I don’t want is for you to think I told you I loved you just to get you into bed. We need to wait. You just found out some big news about your mom and you’re hurt and vulnerable. My job is to protect you, not hurt you more. Sleeping with you right now would hurt you and us in the long run, and—ouch! What the hell?”
I smiled at him with a crooked grin.
“I’m not sorry I pinched you. I needed to make sure you’re real,” I said, giggling.
“You’re supposed to pinch yourself, not me!”
“Well, you just said you didn’t want to hurt me so I figured it was the best path to take.”
Walker wrestled me back down on the bed and tickled me until we gasped for breath. I’d forgotten what it was like to have fun and not worry about the moment I walked back through the door at home.
“Shit,” I said. “I just remembered I have to go home tonight.” I put my shirt back on as the moment of happiness slipped out of the room.
“Now?”
“Not yet, I have to be home by eleven,” I said as I glanced at Walker’s clock. “I have a little while. I need to call Joss, though. I’m sure she’s waiting for my call.”
“The phone is on the nightstand. I’ll give you some privacy. When you’re done, come find me,” he said as he tugged his shirt on and closed the door behind him.
I dialed Joss’s number and she answered on the second ring.
“Hey, you.”
“Hey, I just wanted to say thanks for helping last night and see how you’re doing,” I said.
“I’m okay, but tell me how you’re doing. Walker was really upset when he came in last night.”
“Honestly, I’m clueless, Joss. I told him some stuff and the next thing I knew I’m spending the night with him. His mom’s really awesome, though.”
“You can tell me when you’re ready, but Walker did say your mom hit you . . .” Joss’s voice trailed off. “What I don’t understand is why you didn’t tell me about it.”
“I don’t know. I didn’t have time to tell anyone between when it happened and when I went to work. I had no intention of telling Walker at all, but he showed up after work and was waiting for me by my car. I hadn’t called him the night everything went down at home and he wanted to make sure I was okay.”
“It’s not the first time though, is it?”
“Joss, I met Walker’s aunt, Linda. She’s a psychologist and she thinks that Mama might be sick, like mentally ill,” I said, ignoring Joss’s question.
Silence filled the phone line. Joss was taking her time thinking about what to say.
“What do you think after talking to her?”
“I think she might be right, but I’m confused. Mama always said I was the reason she got so angry, or else it was Patsy. She always had an explanation.”
“But it was never that she was wrong?” Joss prompted. She intuitively chose the right questions to ask to help me process or think something through.
“No, it was always someone else,” I mumbled.
“You can’t make your mom do or not do something, Lacey, especially something like hitting you. You should try and stay with Walker again tonight or come over here. I think you need time to process what Linda told you. I’ll cover for you on this end, just call me back and tell me where you’ll be tonight, okay?”
“What if Linda is right and Mama is sick?”
“Then talk to Linda to see what your options are, but what you need to understand is that it isn’t your responsibility to take care of your mom. She makes her own choices, she’s grown, and she knows right from wrong. If she wants help, then you need to let someone else help her. You aren’t equipped or trained to handle something like this.”
“Yeah, okay. Joss, thank you.”
“You know I love ya.”
“Right back atcha,” I said and hung up the phone.
I sat on the side of Walker’s bed for a few minutes before I called home. I talked to Patsy and got permission to stay at Joss’s house again. It was almost too easy, and it concerned me that something was wrong. I couldn’t hide forever—it was only a matter of time until I’d find out.
I found Walker watching TV with his mom and Garr
ett. I didn’t step into the living room right away, but observed how relaxed he was as he held his mom’s hand. The familiar theme song to The Golden Girls emitted from the TV. This wasn’t about what was on the TV, though; it was about doing whatever Susan wanted to do, and just spending time with her. Garrett probably couldn’t care less about watching The Golden Girls, and I smiled as he laid his head on the back of the couch. He was bored already.
“Hey, Garrett,” I said as I crossed the living room. “I think we have some homework to do?”
“Oh yeah, I’d hoped you’d forgotten,” he replied.
“No way, champ. Go get your stuff and I’ll meet you at the kitchen table in a minute.”
“Can I get you anything, Susan?” I asked.
“No, thank you, and I appreciate your help with Garrett’s homework. He doesn’t like English too much.”
“Yeah, I didn’t like it either, but I’ll make it fun for him. I used to tutor junior high students all the time.”
Walker smiled as I turned to meet Garrett at the table.
Chapter 19
“Mom said you can stay as long as you want,” Walker said as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him.
“Yeah? That might be dangerous,” I said as I stood on my tiptoes to meet his lips. “You might not get rid of me.”
“I’m okay with that,” he whispered.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I love you muches, and muches, and muches,” he said as he placed soft kisses down my neck that made me giggle.
“I love you too.”
“Let’s go for a walk,” he said.
“That actually sounds good. I could use some air since you’re sucking all of mine out of me.” I laughed and squeezed his hand.
We told his mom goodbye and walked behind his house to a trail. The night air held a chill—autumn was finally here. I loved fall.
“How are you doing?” he asked as he led me down the trail through the trees.
“I’m trying not to think about it all, but that’s impossible. I can’t stay with you much longer and if your aunt is right, what am I going to do? She’s my mom—I owe it to her to take care of her.”
Walker stopped short and turned to face me.
“Lace, you don’t owe her anything, and you can’t take care of her,” he said, his voice filled with frustration.
“Why? You take care of your mom,” I said with a sharp tone.
“It’s not the same. Mom doesn’t hit us, for starters. I have Aunt Linda, who helps me, and my mom is dying, so I’m not sure how in the hell you can possibly compare the two,” he retorted.
I let go of Walker’s hand and took a few steps back. I’d hit a nerve and wasn’t sure how to undo it. I hadn’t really thought it through; I was just talking out loud.
He ran his hands through his hair and kicked at the ground. I wanted to tell him I was sorry and didn’t mean to hurt him, but I just stood with my feet rooted to the ground.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” he mumbled, looking at his feet. “It makes me crazy that you still want to help your mom after what she’s done to you. Every night I’m going to lie in bed and worry about you when you’re not with me or one of your friends. I can’t protect you and it fucks me up. It fucks me up that I can’t be there with you and that I can’t help my mom—” His voice trailed off. “The two women in my life who mean everything to me, I can’t help!” he yelled as pain flashed in his eyes.
“Walker, that’s not true! Don’t say that. You’re the first person in my life who’s cared enough to find out what’s really happening behind the scenes. You asked questions, showed up at my job, listened to me, and still loved me when I told you my secret. No one has given me that before. And your mom, she loves you so much. I’d give anything to have what you and Garrett have. You two are her everything and she just wants you to be happy. You’re giving her what she wants and needs—time with you. Please don’t think any different,” I pleaded.
“I can’t save her though,” he said as he clenched his jaw.
“Neither can the doctors, and they’re trained to save people.”
Silence filled the space between us. He finally nodded and reached for my hand as we continued down the trail.
We’d just had our first argument and I didn’t like it. A pang of frustration filled me. I had picked a bad time to fall in love. I felt like I was bouncing around like a Ping-Pong ball with everything happening at home, not to mention the added insecurity with Walker. I’d bared my soul and shared my darkest secrets with him. I’d told him things I hadn’t even told my best friends. If he wanted to, he could hurt me more than Mama ever could.
I drew in a deep breath and attempted to clear my head as we reached the pond. The crickets filled the night air with their chirps and the frogs responded. I could create a Disney movie right here.
I shook my head and smiled at myself.
“What’s so funny?” Walker asked.
“If you could live in my head for a few days, you’d run. I think of the weirdest things sometimes.”
“Like what?”
“I was having a Disney moment with the dwarfs singing in the forest. I seriously doubt you ever watched the Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but that’s where my mind went. I see images when I talk to people or when I’m writing.”
“Do you write a lot? I don’t mean for class or the newspaper, but just because?”
“I used to write all the time in my journal, but Mama found it and told me it was demons writing their thoughts down. I’d written about how angry I was with her when I’d been asked out on a date. She didn’t bother asking any questions, she just said no and refused to give any reason why I couldn’t go. By the time she got done with me, I really thought she was right about the demons. I believed her. Hell, I’m still confused. I never wrote in a journal again, though.”
“Did you give her a reason to search your room? I mean, if I had a daughter who was coming home stoned or drunk I’d search her room, but only if I had a reason for concern.”
“No, I don’t like weed and I don’t drink. I just came home one day and my room was torn apart. She said she’d spent the day praying and God had told her to search my room. She tossed my journal at me and smiled like she’d just found a bag of stolen money in my room. In her eyes, she thought she’d won and in a way she did, but I never shared myself on paper for her to find and use against me again. The weird thing about it was that I still believed her about being possessed. Then, other days I questioned everything she said. I’ve been battling myself about her for a long time, but I’m the only one. Her friends think she’s amazing and so does everyone in the family.”
“Are you telling me you’re the outcast?” A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.
“That’s kind of funny considering I don’t smoke, drink, do drugs, or screw around. Maybe I should start, since that’s what they think anyway.” I laughed.
“Don’t do any of those things because of them—do it because that’s what you want to try.”
“Mr. Farren, are you suggesting I pick up smoking, or worse?” I giggled.
Walker shook his head and laughed as he led me to a huge oak tree and sat down against its trunk. I situated myself between his legs and leaned into him.
“I’m sorry about what I said earlier.” I kissed his cheek and put my head on his shoulder.
“Me too, I just worry about things when you go back home.”
“That makes two of us, but I have to go back tomorrow. I have morning classes and then work from noon to five, though, so at least I’ll have somewhere to go.”
“I’ll meet you after work then. I have a short shift at the pool tomorrow so I’ll spend time with Mom and then meet you around five.”
“You don’t have to, Walker. I know you have other things to do.”
“I want to see you, Lace. I need to hold you, even if it’s only for a few minutes.”
“Okay,” I replied as I snug
gled into him.
The night was clear with the unspoken hint of promise. I finally had someone in my life who loved me, I might not be demon-possessed, and there was hope for Mama to get help. Maybe God did speak to me sometimes after all.
Chapter 20
My heart raced as I pulled into my driveway. I’d tried taking deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth, but it didn’t help. My palms were sweaty and stuck to the steering wheel.
I grabbed my handbag and walked up the porch stairs. I tried to still my trembling hands by shaking them out. One, two, three. I turned the doorknob, plastered a smile on my face, and walked into the house.
“Hi, Mama,” I said as I closed the door behind me.
“Hi, honey.”
That was a good sign. I approached her and kissed her cheek.
“How are you?”
“Good, much better the last couple of days.”
“Really? That’s great, Mama!”
“Did you have fun at Joss’s?”
“Yeah, Tammy stayed too.”
“That sounds fun.”
“I need to finish some homework for tomorrow and get ready for work,” I said. I paused to make sure she didn’t want anything else.
Mama appeared okay, though, almost like nothing had happened a few days ago. I should’ve known better, but I’d take any good from Mama that I could. It didn’t come very often.
I grabbed the stack of clean clothes she’d left for me at the top of the stairs and slowly made my way downstairs and to my room. I couldn’t see over the stack of the clothes, so I made my way toward my dresser by memory. I laid the clothes on top, but they landed in a heap on the floor. Confused, I glanced around.
My dresser was gone and so was my bed. My clothes laid scattered on my floor and every piece of furniture was gone. Only a sleeping bag and pillow were left. I began to shake, thinking about sleeping on the floor. Part of our house was underground and giant spiders appeared in the family room and my bedroom. I was terrified of them and everyone knew it. They weren’t little tiny spiders, either—they were large and they jumped. Mama called them wolf spiders. Now, with no furniture, I would be on the floor for them to crawl on.