Faithless

by Tony Walker

  He shook his head quickly. Sue interjected, "No, I do. I used to be his boss."

  John saw a look on Karen's face that indicated the penny had dropped. She smiled broadly. "Ah, yes I do think he's spoken of you."

  "We haven't met though ," said John, indicating Norman.

  "No," said Norman. "None of your exciting brand of work for me. I work in Chingford Tax Office for my sins. It doesn't make me popular." He giggled in an awkward but strangely endearing way. Sue was looking at John with an inscrutable smile on her face. "John," she said. "I need to talk to you later."

  "Oh?"

  "In private."

  Angie led them away again. "So that's Sue!!" laughed Karen. John smiled thinly. "Yes."

  "I wonder what she wants to tell you in private?"

  "I don't know. She's a fucking muppet. It'll be something about nothing."

  Angie had led them up to Ailsa who was chatting to Joe.

  "I know you know each other John, but I am just introducing Karen to Ailsa."

  Karen reached out a hand to shake Ailsa's. They smiled at each other.

  "You work with John?" asked Karen.

  Ailsa nodded. "Closely. Don't we John?" she winked.

  "Ailsa has a sense of humour," said John.

  "That's good," said Karen.

  "Most of the time," said John. Ailsa pushed him playfully. "You know you like my jokes."

  "Nice to meet you Ailsa," said Karen.

  They walked away. John could feel Ailsa looking at him but didn't turn round to check. He got Karen a drink.

  "She's pretty," said Karen.

  "I suppose. She's probably thinking the same about you."

  Karen nodded. "She seemed to like you."

  "We get on ok."

  "I don't mean that."

  "What? We just work together."

  "Lots of late nights. Business trips abroad."

  "Don't be ridiculous."

  "But then again, she's too posh. Not your type. I bet she lives in a mansion in Chelsea. You'd never tolerate that with your socialist principles."

  "Exactly. Come on let's talk to Joe."

  At dinner, John was seated with Karen on his left and Sue on his right. Opposite was Ailsa. She was knocking back the wine and laughing loudly with Philip who was sitting next to her. Karen reached down to hold his hand. "I'm nervous. I don't feel I fit in."

  He squeezed her hand back. "Don't be silly. They're just people. You're as good as them. Just imagine them on the toilet."

  "Ewww," said Karen and laughed.

  Angie had done the cooking but she had two Filipino waiters to serve. "First, French Onion soup with soured cream. I know it's boring but at least I know how to make it."

  Karen began chatting to Sue's husband Norman who was to her left. He seemed a nice, unpretentious man. He was telling her about his hobby of digging in disused Victorian waste pits for glass bottles. Apparently the rare ones could go for a good price. Karen had an interest in antiques and as they talked she seemed less on edge. Then Sue leaned in and said, "How are you enjoying K3 John?"

  "I love it," he said.

  "More than K4?" she said with a twisted smile.

  "I liked K4. It wasn't me who wanted to leave."

  She patted him on the shoulder. "I'm sure we'll work together in the future, so let's mend fences."

  "That's fine by me," he said coldly.

  Just then he felt Ailsa's shoeless foot reaching out and playfully feeling its way up his trouser leg. He flushed.

  "So," said Sue. "I did want to tell you something."

  "Oh?" At the same time, he shot a glance at Ailsa. She was apparently listening to some story Philip was telling her.

  "Yes, John," said Sue. "A1 have developed a new car tracking beacon. We're having great success with it on the Czechs. All their intelligence officers' cars now have a beacon installed."

  John was puzzled. "Why are you telling me this? I don't work on Czechs. Neither do you."

  Sue laughed lightly. "No, but wouldn't it be helpful on some of your targets?"

  He shook his head. "It's more a K4 operation isn't it? If you're thinking of extending it to the Sovs."

  She nodded. "Yes, but this is a real breakthrough. Apparently even the Americans don't have this technology."

  "So what's special about it?"

  She shook her head. "I'm not technical. I'm not sure. I've just been told it's a great advance."

  He was trying to concentrate but Ailsa's stockinged foot was distracting him. He pulled his leg back but she just stretched out further. He looked at her and she smiled teasingly. He felt angry at her. Sue was still trying to get his attention but he turned his head away. Karen said, "Norman's so sweet. He doesn't deserve to be married to an old battleaxe like Sue."

  "No. Listen, I'm just nipping to the loo."

  "Ok."

  He got up and went out of the dining room door. He found the bathroom upstairs. He relieved himself then washed his hands, looking at himself in the mirror. He looked red and stressed. Then there was a knock at the door.

  "Just a sec," he shouted.

  "It's me," he heard Ailsa say. "Open up."

  "I'll just be a second."

  "I'll scream and scream until I'm sick, if you don't," she said.

  He opened the door and she came in and closed the door behind her. Standing with her back to it. "Hello sexy. You look very handsome tonight."

  "You're drunk."

  She shook her head. "I'm not drunk. I'm just wild with love for you."

  She moved to block him in.

  "Let me out."

  She shook her head. "Fuck me. "

  He sighed. "Don't be stupid."

  "Don't call me stupid. Fuck me. Look." She lifted her dress up at the front, pulling it aside so he could see her black silk underwear. "You like? I think you do," she giggled.

  "My wife's downstairs."

  She shrugged. "Makes it more exciting."

  "For fuck's sake Ailsa, let me past before someone comes."

  "I don't like seeing you with her. It makes me jealous."

  "You can't have me when you want and drop me when you don't."

  "I'm with a man I don't love and I want to be with you."

  "But you won't do anything about it." He didn't try to get past her. She knew he wanted her. She reached out and stroked his face tenderly. "I love you. You know that."

  "And I love you too."

  "Come to me tomorrow?"

  "I don't know," he said.

  "Come and fuck me tomorrow, or I'll tell her."

  "Don't threaten me." He grabbed her and pulled her away from the door.

  She shouted in rage. "Don't you fucking dare hit me."

  "I'm not going to hit you."

  She sneered. "You're all the same when it comes down to it. I bet you know where to punch and not leave a mark."

  "You're drunk. Let me go. People will notice."

  "Tomorrow. At home. He's away."

  "Ok, but let me out." She nodded. He opened the door. She reached out and grabbed his hand. He broke the grip as he walked out. "I need you," she said behind him. "I don't know why."

  Downstairs he resumed his seat. Karen looked up. "You were gone a long time."

  He nodded. "Got an upset stomach."

  Karen gestured over to Ailsa's empty seat. "She left just after you."

  "Yeah, she had to wait." He gave a weak grin.

  Karen looked at him second longer than normal. "She's drunk I think," she finally said.

  He shrugged. "She drinks too much."

  "How come she still works for you?"

  "The place is full of pissheads. If they sacked them all there'd be no one left there. Anyway, do you mind if we don't stay? I don't feel well."

  "No that's ok. Though I have quite enjoyed myself. Let's just wait for the Boeuf Bourguignon. Angie told me it's a recipe of her grandmother's from Montreal. Authentic French cookery."

  Ailsa sat back down opposite. John thoug
ht he saw Karen appraise her suspiciously but he didn't want to stare. Sue started talking to Karen about her cats. Apparently Norman said she loved them more than him. He didn't know whether to feel relieved for Norman or sorry for the cats. Ailsa didn't look at him for the rest of the meal. They had desert. Karen had some more glasses of wine and then a Tia Maria. She was talking to Philip and Elizabeth and whatever they were saying had her in a riot of laughter. Ailsa stood, apparently listening intently to Sue talk to her about something. John went over to the French windows with his mineral water, looking out through a gap in the net curtains. The weather outside was heavy. There were rumbles of thunder far away. The city sky was red with streetlamps but he could still see the sheet lightning miles away over Essex. Then the rain broke and came down heavily against the window.

  Joe came and joined him. "Penny for them."

  "What? No, just looking at the weather."

  "Listen, buddy," said Joe. "It's none of my business, but..."

  "What isn't?" said John.

  Joe grimaced awkwardly.

  "I'm genuinely puzzled," said John.

  "You don't know what I'm going to say? Honestly?"

  "That's an funny word."

  Joe said, "Everyone knows. Or everyone thinks they know."

  "What do they think they know?"

  "About you and Ailsa."

  "About me and who?"

  "Listen if it's not true, it's not true, but everybody in the Office thinks it is."

  "Maybe I'm being stupid here," said John, "but what are you talking about?"

  "That you're balling Ailsa. I mean I don't blame you. She's a knockout and she's wild. I bet she's dirty in bed."

  "I'm not doing anything with her."

  "Sure. Of course. If you want to talk about it. A couple years ago I had a crush on one of our secretaries. I mean she was beautiful but it made no sense. Not when I had Angie."

  "Did you sleep with her?" asked John.

  "Two or three times, but then I thought - what the fuck am I doing? It was like a madness. Seriously. Like a fucking storm that comes over you, but it doesn't make sense. Not when you have a lot to loose. Like we have."

  John took a drink and looked away.

  Joe said, "Maybe we can go for a beer after work one night?

  "Yeah, that would be good." Then John said, "She won't leave him."

  "They don't. We need to talk." He put his hand on John's shoulder.

  John shook his head. "It's fucked up. Me I mean."

  "Yep."

  "I'll take you up on your offer. I've got no one else I can talk to. I need to sort my head out. She's driving me crazy"

  "No problemo, buddy boy. Anytime. Just let me know when."

  He noticed that Ailsa had sat down and kicked off her shoes. She was staring at him. He didn't go over. He went to get Karen. She was tipsy. She was standing with Philip and Elizabeth.

  "I love this man!" she said, pointing at Philip. "He's so funny." She nodded at Elizabeth and grabbed her hand. "But I love you too Elizabeth." All three of them seemed to be sharing a great joke. "You must both come round. I'll make you something Scottish."

  "That sounds delightful," said Philip with a cheeky smirk.

  Karen whacked him on the arm, "You wheesht, you ungrateful Sassenach." Then she nodded gravely at Elizabeth, clearly drunk. "You'll love haggis, honest."

  Elizabeth reached out and stroked Karen's bare shoulder. "I know I will,"

  John sighed, feeling very sober. "Come on," he said.

  "Let me give everyone a goodnight kiss."

  He led her round as she kissed everyone in the room goodnight. She gave Norman a special hug. "Got to go Norman. Good luck wi' the wee blue bottles."

  Then she got to Ailsa. She sat down beside her on the sofa. John tried to pull her up. They were both drunk. John stood there watching. He didn't think Ailsa would say anything.

  "Sorry I didn't get the chance to talk to you much Ailsa," said Karen.

  "It's ok. There'll be another time."

  Karen giggled drunkenly. "You're very bonny."

  "Thank you," smiled Ailsa. "You're pretty smoking hot yourself."

  Karen winked. "You know what he'd like?" she pointed at John.

  "No," said Ailsa.

  "He'd love a lesbian sandwich with you and me."

  They both laughed as if it was the funniest thing they'd ever heard.

  "I'd be up for it," said Ailsa.

  Karen tapped her nose. "I'll get it arranged."

  John lost patience. He grabbed Karen. "Come on." He pulled her up.

  "Ouch!" she said. "Rough!" Then she turned to Ailsa, still smiling and pointed at John. "He's rough!"

  "I know," said Ailsa. "All men are bastards." And then she winked at John. "Be seeing you Johnnie boy! You take care of Karen for me."

  The next morning as John ironed his shirt ready to go to work, Karen was still in bed. Earlier he'd made her tea and toast which stood going cold on the bedside table.

  "Feeling a wee bit rough this morning?" he said.

  "My head hurts. Was I total disgrace?"

  "You didn't punch anyone. You kissed them all though."

  "Even Sue?"

  "Yep."

  "Oh dear." She rubbed her eyes. "Do I remember talking about lesbian sex with that blonde lassie you work with?"

  "Ailsa? Yes, you did."

  "Was she disgusted?"

  "No, she was as drunk as you. "

  John finished ironing and put on his shirt. He stood by the window tightening his tie. "I'm going to be late tonight. Be back about 9 or so. I have an agent meet."

  "It's ok. Angie's coming over and we're going to get a Chinese take away."

  "I'm glad you two have become friends," he said. He hoped that Joe didn't talk to Angie and if he did, that she didn't talk to Karen. He hated deceiving her. She didn't deserve it. But it was not the time for honesty.

  "Don't forget your tea and toast," he said as he went out of the bedroom door. "It'll go cold."

  "Thank you," she shouted after him and then turned over and pulled the duvet up.

  John went through to the girls' bedroom before he left the house. Eilidh was asleep but Morag was looking up in rapt awe at the china Snowman mobile above her cot. She smiled when she saw him. He bent down and kissed her on her forehead. "See you tonight sausage," he said. Morag turned up her nose at his kiss. He tickled her and said, "Suit yourself then." He then bent down and kissed the sleeping Eilidh. She smiled in her sleep at some mysterious dream and he blew them a kiss each as he left them.

  When he finished work he made his way over to Ailsa's house. He walked up the white steps of Ailsa's house. As he knocked, he wondered if Duncan would answer, and if he did, what would he say. He'd half rehearsed some story about being a Mormon, but doubted Duncan would believe him. Maybe he should just tell the truth: "I'm fucking your wife." But when he spoke the truth, even to himself, he felt his own vileness, and pushed the thought away like a bad taste.

  Ailsa answered the door. "Come in. I wasn't at work today."

  "I know. Duh."

  "Don't be nasty, I still feel ill."

  "You deserve it. Your behaviour was out of order."

  She wrapped her arms around him. "Be nice, Johnnie."

  Once inside, he kissed her. "I can't stay late."

  "Oh."

  "I want to , but I can't."

  She took his hand and pulled him after her towards the stairs. "Let's go to the bedroom. But I just want to cuddle. I'm too wrecked for the other."

  "I didn't think I was here to talk," he said. He followed her upstairs. He loved the way she walked. He loved the way her hair fell over her shoulders. In the bedroom she pulled him onto the bed. "I missed you," she said

  "When?"

  "Today. I've been on my own."

  They lay there in each other's arms. He said, "I hate deceiving Karen. I hate being a liar. I hate being an adulterer."

  "Then why do you do it?"

&nbs
p; "Because you won't leave him."

  "Take some responsibility for your actions."

  "I'm trying to. You said you wanted to be with me."

  "I do."

  "So how?"

  "I don't know."

  "I thought you had come to some decision."

  "No. I'm not good at decisions. I can choose shoes and things from menus. But not this."

  He said, "I want to be honest and be able to look at myself in the mirror without thinking I'm a cunt."

  "You're not a cunt. You're just misunderstood." She ran her finger down his nose.

  "I'm being serious. I'm trying to get you to make a choice."

  "To salve your conscience and make you feel honest and wholesome."

  "To make us both feel honest."

  "But you're mainly concerned about your own morals."

  "Take this seriously. Last night you were out of control. Joe knows about us. We're lucky no one else does."

  "Everybody in the Office thinks they know. Even if we weren't shagging they'd think we were so we might as well be."

  "So how long does this go on for?"

  She became pensive. She shrugged. "I don't know. Until I'm brave enough to do something about it?"

  He was silent.

  "I liked Karen by the way," said Ailsa.

  "Under other circumstances you'd probably get on well."

  "Be best friends and do each others' hair? I can't see that happening. Not now. I can't see her ever forgiving me." She looked as if she were remembering something. "Did she say something about us having a threesome?"

  "You were both smashed."

  "I'll tell you someone else who was talking absolute balderdash - your friend Sue from K4"

  "She's not my friend. I hate her guts."

  Ailsa laughed. "Well anyway, she was very insistent on telling me some story about MI5 planting radio beacons on Czech diplomatic cars. I was giving her a look that anyone who wasn't a total fucktard would have realised meant - 'I.do.not.fucking.care.' but she kept on keeping on. I like that word fucktard by the way. I only just learned it." She laughed.

  John sighed. "You can't say things like that. It's offensive."

  She poked him in the chest with the slightly chipped red nail of the index finger of her right hand. "You're a puritan. If you weren't so good at sex, you might be in danger of being boring. Speaking of this, I am getting a familiar heat down in the Southlands."