Loving Graham

by Kenna Knight

  “Me either, it’s like we’re in a dream, and if we move, we will wake up, and it’ll all be gone.”

  “It won’t, though, do you know why?”

  “Why?”

  “Because we are meant to be.”

  “Yes, we are. I love you, Noah.”

  “I love you, too.”

  We lay together for over an hour. When my stomach growls in Liam’s ear, we decide it’s time to get up and test our dream theory.

  “We both stood up, everything’s the same,” I say standing next to the bed.

  “I guess that proves it, this isn’t a dream, we get to keep each other forever.”

  Forever is a very long time, and that is how long I plan on standing next to this man.

  “Come on, let me show you around your new home.” Liam takes my hand and pulls me toward a closed door that has to either be his closet or a bathroom. He opens it a crack and flicks on the light. “Bathroom, one of two. And over there is the closet, it’s a walk-in, and as I said, I’ll clear out one side for you.” He guides me down a short hall past the second bathroom and into the living room. It’s spacious with a large sectional in the middle facing the fireplace. Windows take up most of one wall, but the curtains are closed. “Living room, pretty basic except I have a great surround sound system. And this is the kitchen,” he says waving his hand toward an exceptionally beautiful kitchen for an apartment.

  “Did you renovate the kitchen? It looks brand new.” I lay my hand on the granite countertop and look around at the cherry wood custom cabinets and expensive stainless steel appliances.

  “I did about six months ago. I bought the condo after renting for a year. I figured this was as good a place as any to put down roots.”

  Roots are good. Roots hold you down and nourish you while you grow. I need roots. “It’s beautiful, you have good taste.”

  “Don’t you know it,” he says, with a wink and takes my hand again. “The guest room is through here.” We walk down another short hall on the opposite side of the living room where he opens the door to a bedroom equal in size to his master. It’s furnished sparsely with a bed and dresser, nothing else. It won’t be hard to fit my things in there.

  “There’s a gym and an indoor and an outdoor pool on the first floor. They have service that will pick up your clothes and launder them if you want, or I have a washer and dryer in here.” He opens the door of a small laundry room next to the guest room. “They do other things down there, too, like mail packages, and they will even do your grocery shopping for you if you want. Oh, and if you want to keep your Florida tan, they have tanning beds for the residents to use, too.”

  “Wow, you could stay inside and never leave with no problem.”

  He stops in the middle of the living room and turns slowly to look at me. I was teasing, but it’s clear he doesn’t care for the joke.

  “I was kidding, Liam. I’m not going back to that life, I promise.”

  Every muscle in his body relaxes, and he lets out a sigh. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t joke, but you have to admit, they have a pretty good setup here for an agoraphobic, don’t you think?”

  He slides his hands into his jean pockets. “I guess you’re right. I never thought about it like that. They’re conveniences to me not substitutes for the real world.”

  “I understand, How about we change the subject?”

  “To what?”

  “To my empty, starving stomach. Do you have anything to cook?”

  He glances toward the kitchen. “I need to grocery shop. I tried to get rid of everything before I left for vacation. Do you feel like take-out?”

  “Sure, what did you have in mind?”

  “Whatever you want. You can get just about anything delivered in an hour, or we can go out.”

  “Let’s have it delivered. I don’t have a winter coat.”

  “So we need to go clothes shopping, too, then. You can borrow whatever you want until we get that done.”

  “Okay, thanks. And let’s order pizza. I read about a place called 2 Amys, it has raving reviews.”

  “I’ve heard of it. I’m not sure they deliver, though. Let me call and find out.”

  “Do you mind if I shower while you do that?”

  “No, not at all. Just use my things, so you don’t have to dig around in your suitcase.”

  I make my way back to his bathroom and turn on the shower while I undress. The bathroom looks newly renovated like the kitchen. The counters are all sparkling granite, he has an enormous walk-in shower, and there is also a free-standing tub that looks more like a giant bowl than a bathtub.

  I like it, it suits him, and now it’s going to suit me. That’s what I do. I conform to my surroundings and the people I’m with. I’ve never known who the real Noah Miller is or what he likes because I’ve always lived my life trying to make others around me happy by being what they need.

  Aunt Kitty says it comes from not being able to be myself around my parents. Somewhere deep inside, I always knew they wouldn’t accept me. That’s when I started trying to be the perfect kid. I got excellent grades in school, but my father refused to give me credit for that. I was a model student, always polite and kind to others. I did community service, took the best photographs, ran record times in track, but it didn’t matter. I was gay, and that meant I was worthless in his eyes, a failure, a disappointment.

  Maybe now that I have Liam again, I will be able to find myself. My first year in Florida, I was the new kid in town, then I was Kitty’s nephew from Ohio, and when I started hiding from the world, I was nobody. Now I’m Liam’s boyfriend, and that’s the best title I’ve had so far.

  I shower and dress in a pair of jeans and a thick cable knit sweater I borrowed from Liam. 2 Amys doesn’t deliver so we decide to go there and eat. Liam was wary of taking me out after my panic attack, but I assured him I would be okay. I’m not sure if I’ll be fine, I’m never sure, but I want to keep pushing my boundaries—that’s the only way I’ll conquer this disease.

  Washington, D.C. is colder than I ever remember Ohio being. It’s been nine years since I experienced a winter, and I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. We hopped in an Uber twenty feet from the entrance of Liam’s building, and in that short time, my nose hairs froze, I coughed and wheezed from the frozen air I inhaled, and I think some of my hair that was still damp after my shower froze into tiny icicles.

  “You doing okay?” he asks.

  “That depends on what you consider okay. I’m freezing and hungry and suddenly needing a very strong drink but other than that, yeah, I’m good.”

  “Well, those are all things I can fix starting with warming you up. Scoot over here.” I scoot closer to Liam and catch the Uber driver’s eyes in the rear view mirror. I’ve never lived out of the closet so to speak. I’ve never had a boyfriend that I was willing to risk being ridiculed for. Scratch that, I’ve never had a boyfriend, period.

  This driver looks like he is uncomfortable having Liam and me snuggling in the back of his Chevy Malibu. I don’t like making people uncomfortable.

  Liam pulls me close and rubs my arm up and down vigorously to help me get warm. I consider scooting away and telling Liam I’m all right, but that would mean the Malibu Uber driver would win, and I don’t want that.

  I let Liam do his thing and half way to the pizza place, I turn my face to his, so he will kiss me and kiss me he did. Malibu Uber driver averts his eyes and turns up his music. Yes, Noah Miller 1, Malibu Uber driver 0—I win.

  At 2 Amys we eat the best, and I mean the absolute best pizza I’ve ever eaten. We have a couple of drinks and pay the tab, but I’m not in the mood to go back out into the cold yet.

  “Do we have to go?” I ask.

  “No, we can stay,” he says putting his drink down and reaching across the table to take my hand.

  “I like this.”

  “They have great food, I’ll give them that. How did you know about this place again? I’ve lived here for years, and I’ve neve
r been here.”

  “I lived on the Internet, remember? When I wasn’t working, and I couldn’t find anyone to talk to, I researched things. When you asked me to move here, I started researching best restaurants, entertainment, jobs, whatever I could find. It made me feel more normal like I was just a guy moving in with another guy in a different state looking into things I wanted to do when I got there. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do it, but I wanted to be ready if I could.”

  “You are more than a guy moving in with another guy in a different state, Noah. You are the love of my life, and you agreed to come and spend the rest of your life with me. You gave up things for me, and you are special. Don’t sell yourself short.”

  “It’s going to take time for me to get used to living like this,” I say looking down at our joined hands on the table.

  “I can’t imagine how hard it is for you after what you’ve been through, but don’t ever forget that I am here for you always. Anything you need, anything you want, anything I can do, all you need to do is ask, and it’s yours.”

  “You might regret that someday, you know.”

  “Never, you are my forever.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Liam – Surprising Bianca

  I step out of the shower and hear the click of a camera. It’s something I’ve grown accustomed to hearing lately. I swear Noah is trying to make up for our years apart by documenting every moment of our life together.

  He has photographed me doing the most mundane things like reading a book or fixing the sink. Sometimes I think he is taking so many pictures, so he will have them to look at when I go to work all day, and that’s fine with me. I didn’t realize how much I would hate leaving him every day. I worry about him lapsing back into his tiny guarded world where he never leaves the house. I encourage him to go somewhere every day.

  Tuesday I asked him to walk a couple of blocks from our house to pick up my prescription for my stomach. I developed an ulcer a year ago when I took on more responsibility at work. It’s gone, or so the doctors say, but I still have trouble occasionally, so I keep meds around. Tuesday morning was also when Noah met Billy, the cat. I had forgotten to tell him I had a cat, and Billy was sulking somewhere when we arrived Monday and hadn’t come out to welcome us home. Noah was startled to wake up to a thirty-pound tabby sitting on his chest giving him the stink eye. They have since made up and are now the best of friends.

  Wednesday he went shopping for a coat and some clothes. He didn’t buy nearly enough, but I was proud of him for going out on his own.

  Thursday he wanted to go to the Smithsonian but decided that was too much to attempt alone, and he went to a park nearby and took some of the most amazing photographs of the recent snowfall. His talent amazes me, the way he sees things through his lens in a way no one else does is awe inspiring. I made him promise to have one of them blown up to hang in the living room. He agreed with one exception—that the wall we hang it on be a revolving wall of seasons, so he doesn’t have to look at snow 365 days a year. He’s not a big fan of snow just yet, Florida weather is still his preference.

  Today is Friday, and I got off work early to help Noah prepare for our dinner party. I picked up groceries and alcohol and flowers for the table. Noah has been researching recipes that are sure to wow our guests. When I come through the front door, Billy, the cat, does not greet me like he used to. I find him where he always is now, perched near Noah watching him intently as if he were trying to learn how to be human.

  Billy never showed any interest in anything I did like he does Noah. I like that they are friends, it makes me feel better about leaving him alone all day. Noah hasn’t decided if he is going to work outside the home or keep his computer graphic job with ARCH. He has worked for them for over six years and makes significant money, so I expect he won’t quit. As long as he continues to pursue his photography, I don’t care what he does. That’s his passion, that’s where his future is, and someday he will be a star.

  “I hope you’re putting him to work.” I nod at Billy sitting on the counter next to Noah watching him cook.

  He shakes his head and sighs. “He tries, but the poor thing isn’t much good in the kitchen.” I sidle up behind him and slide my arms around his waist to kiss his neck, but he surprises me when he turns his head and kisses my mouth. “Mmm, you taste delicious.”

  “So do you.”

  “Maybe we should just set the food outside the door and have a private party.”

  “Oh no, not after I’ve slaved over a hot stove all day for your friends. We are having this dinner party, and it’s going to be the best damn dinner party any of you have ever attended.”

  “And then later we can have our private party?” I ask nibbling on his ear.

  He stirs the food in his pan and pretends to think about his answer. “Noah, you’d better agree to some heavy petting, sucking and stroking later, or I’m locking the door and taking you to bed now.”

  “Okay, okay, but only on one condition.”

  “I don’t like conditions.”

  “I’m pretty sure you’re going to like this one.”

  “All right, let me have it.”

  He turns in my arms and walks me backward until my ass hits the island, and I take hold of it on either side of my hips.

  “In addition to heavy petting, sucking, and stroking, we add sex, as in actual virginity-taking sexual penetration. How’s that sound?”

  I have to say I’m rendered speechless. This doesn’t sound like my Noah at all. This is hot and bothered, take charge, raging hormones Noah, and my God is he hot.

  He’s looking straight into my eyes waiting for my answer, and I can’t make the words come. Billy jumps down off the counter and starts weaving in and out of our legs. I look down at him, and he meows up to me as if to say, “What? Cat got your tongue?”

  “Liam? You okay?” Noah asks.

  “I, uh, yeah, fine.”

  “Did I say something wrong?”

  I chuff and return my eyes to his and slide my hands around his trim hips. “No, you didn’t say anything wrong, quite the contrary. I’m just not used to you being so forward. You’re not cooking with an aphrodisiac, are you? I don’t want to have some crazy post-Italian vegetarian welcome home dinner party/orgy tonight.”

  “Not unless oregano is an aphrodisiac and an orgy, eww, no, no, no. I don’t like to share, and as far as I know, I don’t like to watch.”

  “Good, we are in agreement on both of those things then. And as far as your condition goes, you’ve got yourself a date with me in our bedroom as soon as everybody has gone home.”

  He presses his lips to mine, and Billy nudges his leg hard and meows loudly. With my mouth still on his, I open one eye and murmur, “Billy’s got a crush on you.”

  “Too bad, Billy. I’m a one man kind of man, so you’re out of luck.”

  I smile and return to kissing him until Billy becomes so vocal and pushy. I have to pull away, point my finger, and scold him, “Billy, the cat, you’re about to need a new home if you don’t get over your jealousy. I mean it, Noah is mine.”

  Noah chuckles and turns back to his food on the stove. “I’m going to shower, do you need me to do anything before I go?” Before he can answer with something suggestive, I add, “That doesn’t involve sex.”

  His mouth was open to answer, but when I add my addendum, he closes it. “No, I think I have it under control.”

  “Good, keep it that way until later.” My tone is clipped, but he knows I’m teasing when I smile.

  I shower and change into jeans and a dark gray Henley. Noah is working on homemade Italian bread when I return to the kitchen. We both love Italian food so much so that we could easily end up fat couch potatoes if we aren’t careful. Tonight’s Italian is vegetarian, though, and that makes us feel better after gorging on 2 Amys pizza again last night.

  “I didn’t bother setting the table. I figured you would want to do it since you’re particular about the way things are p
ositioned,” Noah says.

  “Thank you.” This is a relief because contrary to his belief, I could easily be clinically diagnosed with OCD. It pains me to see a glass or fork out of its exact place on the table. My friends and family know it’s better to let me have my way. If they don’t, they get to feel the floor shake when I bounce my leg up and down during dinner because a glass or bowl is misplaced, or listen to me tap my fingernails on the table while staring at a glass that’s sweating onto the table without a coaster under it.

  When the table is perfectly, and I mean perfectly, set for five, I wash my hands and help him with hors d’oeuvres and salad. We work well together, moving around the kitchen in sync knowing what the other wants or needs without saying it.

  At six o’clock, the doorbell rings. Noah looks panic stricken. He isn’t totally on board with the surprising Bianca thing. He thinks it’s unkind to do something on purpose that might make her mad.

  “It’s not her. I told Theo and Abe to be here half an hour early.” His cheeks puff with air he blows out with relief. “Don’t worry, she’ll be okay. Surprised and ticked that I didn’t tell her you were Ben earlier, but okay.”

  “I hope you’re right about that. I remember she could be pretty scary back in the day.”

  I avoid telling him that she still is and leave to answer the door. Theo and Abe know something’s up, but they have no idea what. When I open the door, they are standing side by side holding hands. In Theo’s free hand, he has a bottle of wine and in Abe’s, a giant homemade cherry pie. I love cherry pie, love it, and Abe knows this. He is one of the most thoughtful people I know.

  “Come in, come in, it’s good to see you guys. I’ve missed you.” Theo opens his arms wide dramatically and envelops me in a suffocating bear hug. When he’s finished with me, he pushes past and leaves me with Abe who gives me a much gentler hug and a kiss on the cheek.