by Jean Haner
The more complicated the situation is, the more likely it is that your mind will start to splinter among all of the different aspects, and you may think it’s best to just wait to decide. But that can turn into procrastination, stalling, and getting lost in uncertainty and frustration. Alternatively, you may become impulsive and jump into a decision without taking the time to be sure of yourself.
Although it’s a good idea to get advice from friends or colleagues, you may resist it because you’ll even overthink their conclusions; and you may be skeptical, wondering if they can be objective or fully understand the situation. In addition, you can be too easily influenced by other opinions and end up even more confused and unsure. While you were about to go with your plan A, one friend says to choose plan B, and the other says plan C is definitely the only way to go. Now your head is spinning.
Another way the Four nature can affect you under stress is that frustration builds and builds until suddenly the grass looks a lot greener—over there! You can have an urge to get away from the situation; for example, whenever one affluent European client of mine was under pressure, she’d go to the airport and just take the next flight out.
Under prolonged difficulty, the Four nature can incline you toward depression. If that goes untreated, it may ultimately transform into apathy, a sense of giving up entirely. But it never needs to reach this point. Instead, from the first moment stress takes you to your Four self, you can own your adaptable nature instead of judge it or get lost in it. Your greatest strength is how you can ride the wind through life. With awareness, you can learn to keep that wavering nature in balance by bending but always coming back to center. One way to do this is to have a grounded friend to discuss things with, and another is to not judge yourself for your fluctuations. Choose one plan, go with it, see what happens, and adjust accordingly—but keep moving. You can be a master of change!
Second Number: Five
Absorb/Intensify
Here’s where we reach an interesting fact: If your second number is Five, the other two numbers in your sequence are identical. If you look at the chart at the end of Chapter 2, you’ll notice that whenever the second number is a Five, the numbers on either side of it are the same. Take a look—you’ll see 1.5.1, 2.5.2, 3.5.3, 4.5.4, and so on.
The character of the Five here is like tofu, soaking up all the other flavors in a dish. When a Five is your second number, therefore, it pretty much ceases to be a Five and becomes whatever the other two numbers are. So if your numbers are 1.5.1, your second number actually becomes more like a One; and in order to learn what your hidden nature is, you’ll read the section about Ones above. If you’re a 2.5.2, that Five becomes more like a Two, and you would read the section about Twos above, and so forth.
There’s one exception: If you’re a 5.5.5, read the section about your special combination in Chapter 5.
Second Number: Six
Anxiety/Power
If your second number is a Six, the good news is that you’re the one we want around in an emergency! This is when your inner strength as Father will show up to take charge. Read the section in Chapter 3 about Six as a first number to get a sense of the positive qualities of Sixes and know that you carry that essence within you. But since this is your second number, it will express itself differently from the first number because you mainly go there under stress; that is, you’re more likely to exhibit the negative qualities rather than positive ones.
You’ll want to take control when things are going wrong and everyone’s feeling pressured. This can be fine in many cases because the character of Six is one that gives you clarity and keeps you from getting swept up in the drama of the problem. However, this inner nature also inclines you to become uptight under stress, insisting that things be done your way and getting too caught up in little details.
The reason you may be so controlling is that you become anxious. You’re worried that others won’t do the right thing or won’t do it well enough. Because of this, people can think you’re being critical of every little thing, and this could create huge opportunities for relationship problems on top of the current issue that caused the stress in the first place!
But another big factor to be aware of is how highly self-critical you can be, far too hard on yourself and fearful of making mistakes. You’ll also be overly sensitive to criticism from others and more likely to misinterpret an innocent comment. In challenging times, your sensitivity may go into overdrive as well, and you can be bothered by little things that are usually no big deal to you.
The positive expression of the inner Six is the dad who retains his cool while everyone around him is falling apart, and who has the mental clarity to know exactly the right thing to do. “Father knows best” is actually the theme here! If Father is emotionally in balance, he doesn’t act like a tyrant, criticize people, or get lost in self-criticism. Instead, he stands in a position of power, calmly taking charge, keeping his eyes focused on the big picture.
So it’s helpful in these cases to step back and take the long view. Choose your battles, try not to micromanage, remind yourself that it’s not all up to you to fix … and remember to breathe! You’ll tend to breathe too shallowly when stressed and that can keep you locked in hypervigilance. A few deep breaths in moments of stress can do wonders.
Learn to notice when those feelings of Six anxiety start to rise in your system so that you can consciously respond to them differently. Rather than fall into behavior that other people will perceive as “control and criticize” (even though that’s not your intention), remind yourself that this feeling is anxiety. Often, simply being able to name it can keep you from identifying with the feeling and getting so caught up in it. Knowing it’s natural for you to feel anxious under stress can help you let those feelings just surface and move on. Remembering that you are more than good enough to deal with any situation can help you breathe and step into your power.
Second Number: Seven
Denial/Pleasure
If your second number is a Seven, you’re very attuned to the energy of others when you’re stressed. You can maintain your poise and make people feel at ease no matter how difficult your own situation is. Read the section in Chapter 3 about Seven as a first number to get a sense of the positive qualities of Sevens and know that you carry that essence within you. But since this is your second number, it will express itself differently from the first number because you mainly go there under stress; that is, you’re more likely to exhibit the negative qualities rather than positive ones.
When you’re stressed, you’ll tend to deny your own needs in an attempt to make things lovely for everyone else. An everyday example of this could come up if you’re in a group of people trying to choose a restaurant for lunch. You’ll likely be the one to say, “Oh, I don’t mind where we go. What are you in the mood for?” when actually you are craving Thai food or detest the Mexican place someone suggests.
Under stress, there’s an inner chameleon here who changes to accommodate whoever you’re with. That can be a charming quality, allowing you to create an easy rapport with others, but it can prevent you from being your authentic self, even with friends. You may not be able to relax and just be who you are, and that can limit the growth of any relationship.
I have a nickname for people who have a Seven as their second number: Hostess on the Titanic. If you remember the description for Sevens as the Perfect Hostess, this is the stressed version of that pattern. The ship is sinking, but you’re walking around with a bright smile, saying, “Would you like another drink?” and “Let’s have the band play one more song!” When stressed, you can try so hard to make it look like everything’s all right that it starts to seem insincere. Everyone knows the ship is sinking! It’s not that you’re lying—you genuinely want to make things better. You desperately hope that if you act as if everything is lovely, it will be.
But in the bigger picture, this is a strong tendency toward denial, hoping that if you just don’t talk about the el
ephant in the room, if you just pretend everything is fine, it will be. If your second number is Seven, you can even be in denial with yourself about how bad a problem has gotten, rather than doing something about the situation.
Under stress, you may also become anxious and perfectionistic, worried about not being good enough or so concerned about finances that you’ll work too hard and deprive yourself of rest, or become stingy and try to live on a shoestring.
The Perfect Hostess creates beautiful parties and experiences to give others pleasure, but she doesn’t exhaust herself cooking and cleaning to make things just so! People enjoy whatever she creates not because she worked so hard to pull it off, but rather because she has such a naturally lovely way about her and they simply adore being with her.
In times of stress, consciously come back to this moment and remember that who you are is perfect, that you are enough just as you are. In any relationship, you can know that just being yourself will bring pleasure to the other person, and you have no other responsibility in any interaction. In your work, it’s likely that even if you put in only 50 percent of your usual effort, that’s probably the same as someone else’s 100 percent! You don’t need to overwork because you’re trying to make things perfect and as a result deprive yourself of time for rest or fun. When you can let go, know that you’re good enough, and enjoy whatever life brings you, then there’s no reason for denial or deprivation. When you can relax into yourself in this way, every moment becomes full of pleasure.
Second Number: Eight
Retreat/Strength
If your second number is an Eight, you have an inner mountain, a deep source of strength and knowledge that you can always lean on. Read the section in Chapter 3 about Eight as a first number to get a sense of the positive qualities of Eights and know that you carry that essence within you. But since this is your second number, it will express itself differently from the first number because you mainly go there under stress; that is, you’re more likely to exhibit the negative qualities rather than positive ones.
When you’re upset, you need to retreat to your cave. You may literally seek solitude in a room that has four walls and a door that you can close—and maybe lock! If you can get time alone, you can compose yourself, think things through, and emerge with a different attitude and new decisions. Or retreat can mean that you just need people to back off and stop pushing you. It’s hard for you to make decisions under pressure. You need time to contemplate, and that can only be done if everyone gives you some space.
There can be communication difficulties when you’re stressed. Imagine sitting in a cave and trying to communicate with the outer world. Whether you’re shouting from inside the cave or someone is talking to you from the outside, words can get garbled and the message can be misunderstood. When you’re going through a difficult time, misunderstandings are likely to happen, and not necessarily just during conversations. You may sign the contract without noticing that unfortunate clause or misread instructions for how to put that toy together on Christmas Eve.
You can get very single-minded under stress, and like a dog with a bone, not be able to let go of the issue. People may say that you’re stubborn, but you feel that if they had any principles, they’d agree with you. Another frequent symptom of this determination is that you’ll work far too hard, as if on some level you believe that you can work your way out of the difficult situation. Or you may click into the deeply nurturing side of Eight and end up diligently helping others and not taking care of yourself.
One final way the mountain can affect your personality is that when you’re upset, it can turn into a volcano. Anyone with an Eight as a second number has a powerful potential for anger when they’re stressed, and if it comes, everyone should stand back!
Another image for the Eight is that of the Youngest Son in the family. A little child surrounded by more mature and experienced relatives can feel inadequate and unsure. So when you’re upset, you may suddenly lose self-confidence and doubt your ability to figure things out, or even behave impulsively or in an emotionally immature way.
The thing about the Youngest Son is that he actually soaks up all the knowledge the rest of his family members have gained in their lives so far, so he’s extremely wise and capable. What can help when you’re stressed is to realize that you actually know everything you need in order to move through this time. Any worried feelings are just a sign of that inner child’s lack of confidence, and you can reassure that part of yourself that everything is okay.
Allow yourself solitude in times of stress, knowing it’s like medicine for you. Retreat to your cave or give yourself time to think things through, and you’ll do fine with any challenge. Remember that you can summon the strength of your inner mountain whenever you need it.
Second Number: Nine
Drama/Joy
If your second number is a Nine, your inner nature is all about the heart. You have an inner warmth and passion at your center that radiates love. Read the section in Chapter 3 about Nine as a first number to get a sense of the positive qualities of Nines and know that you carry that essence within you. But since this is your second number, it will express itself differently from the first number because you mainly go there under stress; that is, you’re more likely to exhibit the negative qualities rather than positive ones.
Having a Nine for your second number means that under stress, your emotions and anxiety can flare up and you get so swept away by your feelings that you react only from that frantic place. Of course whenever anyone is stressed, it’s hard to think rationally, but you can get so lost in your feelings that your reasoning ability is seriously diminished. You may make decisions that you later regret; lash out at a friend; or “catastrophize” a situation in your mind, unable to imagine how you’ll ever survive this terrible time. At the extreme, someone with a Nine here can cause big drama or have panic attacks.
As the emotions are stirred or anxiety takes over, your attention can become too scattered, and the potential for careless actions soars. Rather than try to describe various ways this could happen, let me share a classic story that illustrates it.
Virginia, a woman who’d been married four times, confided in me, “I always have someone waiting in the wings!” She was engaged to be married for the fifth time, but her fiancé suddenly broke up with her. This had never happened before—she’d always been the one to leave. Her inner Nine went into freak-out mode, and she decided that she couldn’t bear to stay in her town anymore because there were just too many memories. In fact, she couldn’t manage being a mother because she was so upset. She decided to send her daughters to live with their father for the summer, and she was going to move to Miami. She’d never actually been to Miami before, but she figured that she’d get there and everything would work out.
The day before she and her girls were scheduled to leave town, Virginia had to take her oldest daughter to one last soccer game at school. As she settled into a seat in the stands with the other parents, she struck up a conversation with one of the fathers sitting next to her … and three weeks later, they were married in Hawaii! The marriage lasted barely two years.
Granted, that’s an extreme example of how your inner Nine can affect you; usually the results are much less dramatic. But it is true that under stress you can go into overwhelm and want to get away from everyone and everything. This is part of what Virginia was feeling. And in fact, giving yourself a break really can help, but only a temporary respite is needed. If it goes on too long, it actually has a detrimental effect. Taking a vacation would have been a better solution for Virginia, but in her dramatic frame of mind, it wouldn’t have seemed like enough.
In Chinese medicine, the heart is said to be the source of joy in the body. The energy of your heart goes out during the day to touch other hearts and exchange joy, and then it returns to your body at night to settle and calm itself, to rest while you sleep. When your second number is Nine, under stress, your heart is agitated and can lose its ability t
o maintain this healthy rhythm. Instead, it may choose to isolate itself by day, and/or stay too active at night, causing insomnia.
In difficult times, there are ways you can restore your equilibrium. First, use physical movement to burn off some of the agitated energy—even literally jumping up and down for a few minutes can make a difference! Second, it can ground you to be with people you love, to talk through your problems, or to escape the difficulties with some laughter and fun. Or it can help to visualize times in life when you feel grounded and safe, such as getting a big hug from your very best friend or sinking into bed at night, for instance. When you calm your heart, you can recover your balance and reclaim your healthy joy.
In discovering the patterns in your second number, you probably recognized more than one way you experience them. Just gaining an awareness of these tendencies can empower you to respond differently. Before, you were likely to have been immediately lost in your feelings, and it could have taken quite some time to return to balance. But now you can be more conscious of when your emotional self starts to take over and respond in a new way.
Your emotional self shows up when you become upset or stressed. It’s like the image you sometimes see in cartoons: a little person standing on your shoulder, whispering in your ear. That person will always be talking at you during these times, but now that you’re aware of the themes in what they’re saying, you’re totally in charge of how seriously you listen. Instead of taking what they’re whispering to heart and getting swept out into your emotional sea, you can respond with a calm attitude, almost like a parent saying, “There, there, honey, everything will be all right.” As you practice that, you’ll soon find that these feelings come up, are felt, and then move on while you’re standing in balance, and all is well.