The Hysterics

by Kristen Hope Mazzola

  Before I became the assistant editor of Raging Underground, I was a deadbeat musician just like my ex. I was the drummer in a punk band, partying too hard and not carrying about anything important. The last three months away from all that had been amazing, except for the weekend that Rhodes came with the rest of my stuff a little over a month ago. I needed someone to help me get the junk from my parents’ house into my new apartment and he was the only person I could trust to not blow my cover. We worked out a deal and now I was neck deep in that terrible mistake.

  Working with writers and creative geniuses had been so inspiring. I was writing again and making good connections, even some friends. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I was really happy. Now I stood with one night’s passions carrying consequences that could threaten all my hard work.

  I turned the shower on and was starting to take my pajamas off when my cell vibrated next to my toothbrush. Looking down, my heart sank again, remembering I had promised to go on a date with Dane. I opened the text from him.

  Dane: Happy Saturday! I hope you’re feeling better.

  Me: Yeah, I’m alright. Thanks for checking in.

  Dane: You’re welcome. I’ll pick you up at 7!

  After a moment of hesitation, I responded, explaining that I was not feeling up to going out, using the good old time of the month excuse.

  Climbing into the shower, I tried to convince myself that I’d done the right thing. There was no way I was going to be able to hide my new predicament from my sexy, sweet, amazing coworker. I blushed as I thought about the night I went to their show, when Dane kissed me for the first time and how comfortable he made me feel when I’d stayed the night at his apartment. I had made him agree to take me on a date, and here he was trying to hold up his end of the bargain and I was bailing. It felt fucking awful. Not to mention that I actually had started to form real feelings for Dane. I really wanted a friend right then, and I hated lying.

  After scrubbing myself harder and longer than usual with my loofa, trying to get clean after how dirty I felt, I climbed out of the tub to see a missed call and voicemail from Dane. I pictured his sensual crooked smile and his brilliant smoky eyes as I listened to his soft, manly voice curl around his message: “There are no rain checks or excuses that will get you out of this one. Too bad for you, I know where you live, remember? See you at seven, if you don’t want to go out, I’ll bring the date to you. Wear sweats, don’t put makeup on, and I’ll bring the ice cream.”

  I couldn't help but giggle at how amazingly adorable his gesture was. I got excited with schoolgirl butterflies crashing around in my already fragile stomach. And there it came, the second bout of sickness for this morning. It wasn't even ten.

  This is going to be a long pregnancy!

  After my giggles and butterflies subsided, I called Dane back. The warm tones of his voice sent goose bumps all over my body while we discussed our new plans for the night. After agreeing to let Dane handle the details and promising to let him into my apartment, we hung up and I did a happy dance around my room.

  I need to get a handle on these mood swings.

  One minute I was ready to crawl under my bed and hide from the world, and the next the world was full of rainbows and cotton candy colored unicorns.

  My Saturday consisted of crying, cleaning, wallowing, and frantically trying to figure out a plan of action. The crying came in spurts as more of the reality settled and marinated in my brain. Being in my twenties and just starting my career was scary enough. On top of that, in about eight months I would not only be taking care of myself but another person. I had just learned how to be responsible enough to not eat ice cream for breakfast, for crying out loud.

  While wallowing in my self-pity, I cleaned up from my messy habits. There were no longer clothes all over the floor of my room, the garbage cans were all emptied, the toilet and shower were scrubbed, and the floors were mopped. I even cleaned out my fridge and used some elbow grease on my kitchen counters.

  A terrible sinking feeling came over me right around three in the afternoon when my mother’s name appeared across my phone’s screen. I was not sure if I was even stable enough to talk to her, but I knew it had been a few days since we had spoken and she must have been worried about me.

  To ease her mind, I answered, determined to make the call short and sweet and to not mention her new title as a grandma.

  “Hi, Mom.” I started pacing around my living room.

  “Honey! Finally! It’s been days.” Her voice had more worry behind it than normal.

  “I’ve been busy.”

  “Payton isn’t working you too hard, is he?”

  “No. I love the job.”

  “Good! How’s the weather?” Typical small talk with mom; she wasn’t too deep of a person. I don’t even think she would be able to remember my favorite color (Kelly green) or where I actually lived in Chicago.

  “Fine, getting warmer.”

  “Well, honey, that’s great.”

  “How’re you?”

  “Fine. We started a bridge club in the neighborhood. That’s been entertaining.”

  “How sophisticated of you.”

  “Well, it’s a nice pastime while Sam is off working all of the time.” I felt bad. I knew my mom was lonely but I hadn’t really been home since I was nineteen. She was used to not having me around anymore by now.

  “Gotta run into the office to get some stuff done, love you.”

  “Love you, too, honey. Talk soon.”

  Click. Good—short and sweet. I sighed with relief and started to work on making the grout in my bathroom white again.

  I jumped in the shower once more right at six to get ready for Dane’s arrival. I figured putting in a little effort on my appearance was a good idea for a first date, even if it was as casual as sitting on my couch all night talking. Excitement and butterflies returned as I pulled on my comfortable jeans and a loose-fitting black V-neck. I straightened my hair and put a little makeup on to hide how puffy my eyes were from all my crying episodes throughout the day. As I put on the final touches of mascara, my doorbell rang—there went the flutters again, crashing around in my stomach.

  Please, don’t puke in front of him again!

  DANE

  Standing outside Fallon’s door was making my nerves boil more than I had ever felt before. I still couldn’t freaking figure out what was so different about her, but I knew she was something special. She was more than just hot, insanely talented, and completely mysterious; under it all there was something so much more.

  Taking a deep breath, I forced myself back into my confidence.

  Here goes nothing.

  I pressed the doorbell and could hear it chime inside Fallon’s apartment. Suddenly, Fallon was standing in the doorway, a slight hint of makeup and perfume making her glow in her own beautiful way. Her smile widened as I held up the bags of Chinese takeout, pints of rocky road, and a bottle of red wine.

  “I had to take a guess on what you’d like, and hopefully I’m at least not too far off.” I could feel my face turning hot and had to divert my gaze from her bouncing tits, which were about to pop out of her V-neck. She practically jumped into hugging me around my neck.

  “Thanks for this! You’re sweet and rocky road is my favorite!” She took the bags out of my hands and headed into the kitchen while I was still glued to her doorway like a crazy person.

  A sigh of relief spread over me as I took in a deep whiff of the incredible scent that lingered in the space she had just left and made my way into her living room.

  Her apartment was nothing like I had pictured. I was halfway expecting grunge posters on the walls, a drum set where the couch was, and it to smell more like a bar than lemon Pledge. Surprisingly, Fallon’s apartment was well kept with nice leather and wooden furniture. The only touch of whimsy was the bright green and orange area rug under the coffee table. Even being so clean, there was something cozy about the space and that helped relax me more.


  Come on, man, get a freaking grip! She’s just a broad for crying out loud!

  Fallon popped back into the room from the kitchen with two plates, one wine glass, and a water bottle, then sat Indian-style on the floor to divvy up the food.

  I took the seat next to her, eyeing the water bottle on the table. “Am I not allowed to drink or something?” I joked, taking the water bottle and breaking the seal.

  She grabbed it from me, smiling shy. “I told you I wasn’t feeling well this morning…” She trailed off and broke eye contact with me before continuing, “I don’t think I will be drinking for a while.”

  I took the bottle of wine and glass, getting up from the floor. “Well then we’ll save this for when you’re feeling better.”

  I walked into her kitchen and rummaged in the fridge for another bottle of water, turning around just in time to catch Fallon wiping her cheeks. I was taken aback a little. Maybe I should have given her that rain check after all.

  “Hey, Fae.” I paused halfway into the living room, rubbing the back of my neck, not sure what to say next. “Ugh, you want me to leave? I didn’t mean to force this on you.”

  My eyes met hers. They were piercing with sadness, or maybe loneliness, longing for something I couldn’t put my finger on.

  She clambered to her feet and got almost toe to toe with me before responding, taking my hand in hers very gently. “To be honest, I didn’t want you to be here, I thought I wanted to be alone…” Stopping to search for words, she stared down at our hands. “But actually, I really don’t want to be alone right now. If I promise not to cry, will you stay and not ask me what’s wrong?”

  All I could do was nod and then wrap her small frame in my arms. I had never wanted to run away and stay as still as possible all at once before, and the sensation was completely terrifying.

  FALLON

  As I stood in my living room, breathing in Dane's T-shirt and begging the tears to stop running down my cheeks, I couldn’t help but be shocked he hadn't bolted yet. I was a complete basket case and could not understand how his arms were still wrapped around me. I knew that if he let go my legs might give out from my mind swimming through this terrible situation, that all of the energy was completely zapped from my body. I could feel my knees balking and my throat tightening while I clung to his blue T-shirt for dear life. It had all just started to be real to me, and the near future completely terrified me.

  "Fae, I'm not going to pry, but can I help you get to the couch? You need to sit and relax a bit." His voice was low and sweet, with a slight hint of I-have-no-fucking-clue-what-to-do-right-now. I was lost for words and I stayed paralyzed, scared to move, scared that if I let go of the only source of comfort I had, it would vanish into thin air.

  Bending down and lifting my chin to make sure he made eye contact with me, Dane whispered, "I promise, I will not leave your side until you kick me out." He half-assed a cute grin and I nodded through the sobs.

  In one swift motion I was being whisked toward the couch in Dane's strong, tattooed arms. He put me down with my head in his lap and stroked my hair in silence. He fumbled through channels until he found some idiotic grownups-only cartoon with a dumbass dad strangling his smartass son. I chuckled a little at the stupidity of the show and was so thankful that Dane hadn't been completely freaked out by my reaction to something as simple as not drinking a glass of wine.

  I know it's said that pregnant women are allowed one glass every now and then, but in my state I could not be trusted. If that burgundy liquid slid passed my lips once, I was sure to down the entire bottle in one fell swoop. Staying away from it completely was my only hope of not drowning this little problem away and I was not about to do something so selfish. My stomach churned as I thought about the irony of learning abstinence at this stage of the game, but I figured it was better late than never.

  We watched the rest of the show, laughing at the stupidly funny comedy, Dane's fingers lacing in and out of my hair ever so gently, completely relaxing me. Once the ending credits started to play, I shoved up and sat Indian-style on the couch to look right at Dane, my knight in shining armor for the evening.

  "Hey, thanks for not freaking out. I'm just going through a little quarter life crisis, I guess." My voice trailed off and I had to break eye contact; I wasn’t sure how much information I was willing to offer or how much he was willing to listen to. Either way, this was not a good start to a first date, if that was what our evening could even be considered at that point.

  "Look, Fae..." He made me look at him again—he was very keen on eye contact, which I really didn't mind because his deep gray eyes were easy to stare into. "I haven't had the best life either. I know people might have judged you in the past, but I won’t. I promise."

  My face became questioning and my mouth opened a little, ready to start talking, to ask about his choice in words. Instead I just shook my head, completely confused.

  Why would he say that? Does he know?

  Thankfully, Dane decided to be forthcoming and continued, “What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

  My entire body got hot. “What the fuck?” My skin was crawling and my voice was shaking along with my hands; I had no idea what to do.

  This is bad.

  “I know who you are, Fallon." For the first time Dane did not look at me and a feeling of shock and panic spread like wildfire, tingling down to my toes. Hearing my real name roll off his lips stung at my ears.

  How did my cover get blown?

  "How long have you known? No wonder you wanted to hang out with me. All the shit that spread about my death..." I felt sick again, along with being completely and utterly exposed. I had come to Chicago to prove to myself that I was more than just some cokehead rock star. I wanted more for myself.

  I could feel the dread gathering in the pit of my stomach.

  This is not going to turn out well.

  Chapter nine

  Memories

  DANE

  I immediately threw my hands in the air. “Fallon, that is not what this is about!”

  Her eyes bored through me as her skin turned pale and her eyes watered. “Get the fuck out!” she screamed as fire flashed in her eyes.

  I got up from the couch to leave but then something made me stop. I didn’t know if it was how broken she looked in that moment, the fact that I didn’t want her to have the wrong idea about me, or the fact that I didn’t give a fuck who she was. I did know I wanted to get to know her, the real her, the girl who was broken and scared of being herself.

  “Didn’t you hear me?” Her voice broke as tears started to stream down her cheeks even more.

  I fought through her resistance and wrapped her tightly in my arms while I pulled her up from the couch. “I heard you,” I whispered as my lips brushed her soft black hair, “and I don’t care. You’re not upset because I figured out your secret. There’s something else, and I am not leaving until you freaking tell me what is eating at you. We all have a past, Fallon. We also all have a present and a future. Let’s focus on that little sliver of a goddamn silver lining.”

  I didn’t wait for her response; I didn’t care what she thought I wanted to hear. I needed her to feel how real this was for me, how desperate I was, how much I didn’t want her to hide anymore. I crushed my lips to hers, and for a split second she let me kiss her, deeply and passionately while I gripped her to me as tightly as humanly possible.

  Just as quickly Fallon shoved me away from her, falling onto the couch in a fit of tears and heaving.

  “Please, talk to me.” I sat next to her, not really knowing how else to comfort her than to stroke her hair and grab her hand.

  Her deep green eyes had flecks of red and honey in them as she wiped away a few tears. “I don’t know how to say it.”

  “Just spit it out. It doesn’t have to be pretty with a fucking bow on it. As long as it’s the truth, that’s all that matters.”

  She nodded but nothing more
than quiet sobs came out as she collapsed into my arms. For a few minutes we sat on the couch as I let her cry, not knowing what the hell to do. Finally she looked up at me with bloodshot eyes and snot running down from her nose. “Promise you won’t freak out?”

  “Promise.” I handed her a tissue from the box on the coffee table so the boogers could go away and stop freaking me out.

  “Alright.” She breathed deeply after blowing her nose a few times. “I’m fucking pregnant.”

  I gaped at her. Not because Fallon was pregnant, but because of the scene that flashed back and smacked me across my face.

  “Hey, Leilani! What are you doing sneaking in so late?” My little sister climbed quietly into my bedroom window because it was easier to get into than hers at three in the morning after seeing the boyfriend that she had been keeping secret—even from me—for months.

  “I just…” Her voice cracked through tears, but she was smiling.

  “What’s up?” I patted the bed next to me and she crawled under the covers.

  “Promise you won’t freak out?”

  I propped myself up on my elbow. “I swear!”

  She rolled over, grabbed her bag from the nightstand, and pulled out the white stick to show me. “I’m fucking pregnant!”

  Leilani looked more freaked out and excited than I had ever seen her in my life. I didn’t know what to do. I was happy I was going to be an uncle but I had figured it wouldn’t happen for another ten years at least.

  It took a second for me to cool my temper. First it flared red hot in my stomach, but I needed to be a good big brother and be supportive. “Should I be mad?”

  Leilani shook her head in rapid fire. “Not at all.” She smiled wide as a tear rolled down her cheek.

  “Are you finally going to tell me who the mystery guy is then so I can kick his ass or shake his hand, depending on if he steps up?”