Wonderfully Wacky Families

by Jackie French

  That was it. He’d had it! Mingy little bear, was he? Not as interesting as a monkey, was he!

  He’d show this man and his kid!

  Fuzz rose on his hind legs and waved his paws in the air. ‘Grrrr-rooowl!’ he yelled.

  The girl took a step back. ‘Are you sure he’s safe, Daddy?’

  ‘Of course…’ began her father.

  Fuzz leapt. Up, up, up until he gripped the beams of the enclosure’s roof. And then with a great swing of his legs…

  ‘Daddy, I didn’t know that polar bears could jump…’

  Plop! Fuzz landed on the wall of the enclosure, right in front of the girl and her father.

  The man and his daughter stood frozen to the spot. Fuzz grabbed the kid’s ice cream, pulled her father’s belt out from his belly and shoved the dripping mess down the man’s trousers.

  ‘Ggroooowl!!!’ he roared, banging his furry white chest just like that guy in the Tarzan movie. ‘Grrroooo…’

  ‘Ahhhhh!’ The man grabbed his daughter, the ice cream dripping out of his trouser leg. What’s more, the kid had wet her pants in terror, thought Fuzz happily.

  ‘Growwl! And I’m not a bear, you idiot! I’m a boy in a polar bear suit,’ he roared.

  But the man and his daughter had fled.

  Now that, thought Fuzz as he hopped back into the enclosure to wait for the next lot of visitors, was what he called a really great day!

  CHAPTER 2

  The Zoo Family

  Fuzz swept up the last of the rotten fish and shoved them into the bin. Pa gave him five dollars for every raw fish the zoo visitors threw at him. All he had to do was stand there and look cute and hungry, and watch his pocket money sail through the air.

  It was easy work most days. But today those dead fish stank.

  Fuzz sighed. Pa and Gran had owned the zoo since before he was born. Pa had been a polar bear nearly that long too, ever since some tourist complained that the zoo didn’t have any polar bears. Pa had simply dressed up in a polar bear suit—and that’s how it all had started!

  The trouble was, Pa liked being a polar bear. He loved being all white and furry.

  And Dad liked being a tiger, and Julie enjoyed being a giraffe, and Mick and Rick loved being monkeys, and Mum just adored being a rhinoceros. (‘It doesn’t matter how big your bum is when you’re a rhino,’ she explained. ‘You never have to diet at all.’ And her horn was really useful when Mick and Rick misbehaved.)

  It wasn’t really cheating, Pa said, because the signs at the zoo never said it was a real polar bear, or tiger, or rhino, in the cage. And Pa’s way was better too, because no animals had to live in the little cages. As soon as the zoo closed at 5 p.m. everyone just took off their costumes and went home.

  Well, that was what they were supposed to do. Sometimes Fuzz thought that his family preferred being a rhino, a tiger, a giraffe and a pair of monkeys to being human. And Pa was even worse.

  Nowadays Pa wore his polar bear suit even when he wasn’t in the polar bear enclosure. In fact, Fuzz could hardly remember when he last saw Pa out of his polar bear suit.

  When Gran had been alive she’d made Pa change out of it for dinner. But now Pa just hung around as a polar bear all the time.

  In the school holidays, to give Pa more time to do to the zoo’s paperwork, Fuzz was expected to stand in for him—or crouch on all fours, anyway. He spent each day in the polar bear enclosure, dressed in a white fur suit that gave him a heat rash all round bits it was embarrassing just to think about, much less rub cream on.

  And one day Pa would be too old to be the zoo’s polar bear. Fuzz gulped. He’d have to be a polar bear all day long, every day of the year. As Pa said, what was a zoo without a polar bear? Fuzz just couldn’t let his family down.

  But at least the zoo was closed for the day now. He could take off the hated suit, and just be normal. Well, as normal as anyone could be in a family that included a polar bear, a tiger, a giraffe and a rhinoceros…

  Mum was cooking dinner when Fuzz dragged his polar bear costume through the door. Fuzz sniffed at the aroma

  in the kitchen suspiciously. Sometimes Mum got a bit carried away with being a rhinoceros. Fuzz liked chocolate mud cake as much as the next kid, but not when it was made of real mud.

  ‘Hi,’ said Mum. She’d changed out of the top of her rhino suit but still wore the bottom. ‘Dinner’s nearly ready. How was your day?’

  ‘Hot,’ said Fuzz. ‘And smelly. The Fish Machine is bung again. And I growled at this guy and shoved an ice cream down his trousers…and his daughter wet her pants,’ he confessed.

  ‘Excellent,’ said Mum.

  ‘Excellent?’

  ‘Of course! People like being terrified at the zoo. As long as they’re not hurt, of course.’

  ‘I didn’t hurt him,’ said Fuzz, then thought how cold and wet and sticky it must have been with an ice cream down there, ‘…well not much,’ he added. ‘What’s for dinner?’

  ‘Rare steak for Dad (nice and bloody); banana casserole for Mick and Rick; salad for Julie and me; and sushi for your Pa—a nice bit of raw fish on rice, as always. What do you feel like?’

  Fuzz sighed. The rest of the family really got into their parts at the zoo. Everyone but him. ‘I’ll just have a bit of everything,’ he said.

  ‘Hi!’ Two small monkeys swung on the doorjamb, leapt onto the table, up to the light-fitting and over onto the back of the sofa. They were followed by the back end of a tiger (Dad had taken off the top of his costume) and the upper end of a giraffe.

  ‘What a day,’ sighed Julie, peering out of the giraffe’s neck. ‘I’m starved. They must have taken a million photos of me today.’

  ‘It’s not every zoo that has a tap-dancing giraffe,’ said Mum proudly, pouring salad dressing over a big bowl of lettuce, cucumber and avocado, and passing it to Julie. ‘Those dancing lessons really paid off.’

  ‘Where’s Pa?’ asked Rick, turning a somersault on top of the fridge.

  ‘He’s sorting through the mail in the office,’ said Dad, sniffing the meat on the grill hungrily. ‘Don’t overcook that,’ he added. ‘I like to taste the blood!’

  ‘Yuck,’ said Julie. ‘I think meat is…’ She stopped, as a large, excited polar bear burst through the door.

  CHAPTER 3

  A Cruise with Pa

  It was Pa.

  ‘Look!’ he yelled.

  Fuzz peered up at the tickets in Pa’s big white paw. ‘What are they?’

  ‘Tickets for a cruise to the Arctic!’ shouted Pa, doing a polar bear jig around the kitchen table. ‘You know that essay competition for Polar ice cream? I won first prize!’

  Pa stopped jigging and beamed at them all. ‘It was your Gran’s dream for us to go to the North Pole and see real polar bears,’ he said. ‘Not in a zoo, but living as polar bears should—leaping from iceberg to iceberg, fishing in the arctic water…’ His face fell. ‘But it’s too late for Gran now,’ he said quietly.

  ‘But you can go,’ said Julie. ‘You’ll have a wonderful time, Pa.’

  Pa shook his head. ‘Not by myself. It just wouldn’t be the same.’

  ‘Then take someone with you…’

  ‘Who?’ Pa looked around the kitchen, hope lighting up his eyes. ‘Who wants to come to the Arctic with me?’

  ‘Us!’ yelled Mick and Rick, leaping up and swinging on the curtains.

  ‘No way,’ said Mum firmly. ‘I’m not having a pair of monkeys like you getting up to mischief on a cruise ship. And your Dad and I can’t go. Someone has to keep the zoo open.’

  ‘I’d love to go,’ said Julie regretfully. ‘But I’ve got to babysit for the elephants.’

  Everyone looked at Fuzz. ‘Hey, I can’t go!’ he cried.

  ‘Why not?’ asked Pa. ‘We’d have a wonderful time! Just you and me, hey, boy? Two polar bears together!’

  ‘Er. Um,’ said Fuzz. How could he tell Pa that he hated being a polar bear? That the most embarrassing thing he could think of wou
ld be marching up the gangplank, paw in paw with Pa, with all the passengers staring and giggling at the two polar bears.

  Pa bit his lip. He looked at the tickets then slowly stuffed them in the pocket in his bear suit. ‘Never mind,’ he said sadly. ‘I suppose it’s just not meant to be. But I’d have so loved to see those bears.’

  ‘Look, Pa…’ began Fuzz.

  ‘Just to see real polar bears. Just once in my life…’

  ‘Pa…’

  ‘To see the ice of the Arctic! To feel the snow beneath my paws…’

  Fuzz took a deep breath. ‘All right,’ he said. ‘I’ll come with you.’

  Pa’s face lit up.

  ‘On two conditions though!’ added Fuzz.

  ‘What’s that?’ asked Pa eagerly. ‘Anything! I’ll ask the captain to make sure he’s got lots of raw fish sushi for us—we polar bears can’t eat just anything! And we can bring along our own imitation iceberg to sleep on and…’

  ‘As long as I don’t have to wear my polar bear suit!’

  Pa blinked. ‘Don’t you like being a polar bear?’ he demanded. ‘Polar bears are the biggest fiercest creatures in all the Arctic! You should be proud to be a polar bear!’

  ‘And as long as you don’t appear in public as a polar bear either,’ said Fuzz.

  ‘What!’ roared Pa. ‘What’s wrong with polar bears?’

  ‘I love polar bears too!’ cried Fuzz. ‘But you’re not a polar bear. And it’s embarrassing when you pretend you are.’

  No one said anything. The silence grew longer and longer. Finally Pa said, ‘Embarrassing, eh?’

  ‘Look, I’m sorry…’ began Fuzz.

  ‘No. No, you said what you feel. Fair enough.’ Pa seemed lost in thought. And then he said, ‘It’s a deal then!’

  ‘What’s a deal?’ said Fuzz cautiously.

  ‘You’ll come on the cruise and I won’t be a polar bear in public.’

  ‘Really? Pa, that’s wonderful…’ began Fuzz.

  ‘Yep,’ continued Pa. ‘I’ll stay in our cabin the whole time!’

  ‘But you won’t see anything then.’

  ‘…and I’ll just hope that when you finally see a real polar bear you drop all this “embarrassing” nonsense,’ concluded Pa. ‘You’ll be proud to have a Pa who’s a polar bear! And you’ll be proud to be a polar bear too! Your whole life will change when you finally meet real polar bears! Now where’s my sushi?’ he added, sitting down at the table.

  Fuzz said nothing as Mum put the food on the table. A whole cruise with a polar bear hidden in his cabin!

  How much could a polar bear bear?

  He was trapped!

  CHAPTER 4

  A Polar Bear on Board

  Fuzz stood by the rail up on deck and watched his family down on the quay. It was easy to pick them out from the crowd: two monkeys climbing up a crane, a giraffe with a mobile phone hung around her neck, a tiger with a camera and a rhinoceros with a handbag—and a very big space around them. No one seemed sure if his family were real wild animals or not—and no one was taking any chances.

  ‘Smile!’ called Dad, pointing the camera.

  ‘Bye,’ yelled Mum, waving her right hoof. ‘Take good care of Pa.’

  Fuzz sighed. He’d managed to get Pa aboard—just—without anyone staring too much. He hadn’t looked so bad with his long coat over his polar bear suit, his tall ugh boots and a hat pulled down over his head.

  Now Pa was in his cabin, waiting for Fuzz to find him some sushi. Fuzz hoped that there was some raw fish on this ship, or Pa was going to be one very hungry polar bear.

  Fuzz glanced around at the other passengers. Most of them seemed to be families—mums and dads with kids—but absolutely no tigers, rhinoceroses or polar bears. There was only one other kid his age by herself. She seemed to be looking for someone among the passengers.

  Fuzz blinked. She was the most gorgeous girl he’d ever seen! She was taller than he was, with bright green eyes and blonde hair, wild and dishevelled like it’d been blown by a cyclone. She was dressed in green pants and a red top and a tiny green hat that just showed her…

  Fuzz stared. Pointed ears! Surely she didn’t have pointed ears!

  Suddenly the girl saw him looking at her. She looked startled, turned abruptly and ran along the deck.

  Tinkle…tinkle…jingle…

  A bell rang faintly somewhere in the distance.

  Fuzz sighed and turned back to the rail, just in time to see Mum accidentally butting an elderly lady with her horn.

  ‘Excuse me!’ said the lady, indignantly.

  The girl with green eyes was probably looking for her family, thought Fuzz wistfully. Her nice normal family.

  It was going to be a long trip.

  It was. The ship wallowed across the ocean, taking its four hundred passengers (and a polar bear) with it.

  And it was fun, sort of, Fuzz decided. There were two swimming pools, a picture theatre, and games on the deck. If only he didn’t feel guilty every time he joined in, thinking of Pa with only the wildlife videos he’d smuggled on board and his fifteen books on polar bears for company.

  The other kids on the ship were pretty friendly, too. So it would have been really fun if Fuzz hadn’t had a bored polar bear waiting for him down in his cabin.

  It would have been even better fun if he’d managed to find the girl with green eyes. But no matter how much he searched he hadn’t seen her again.

  Not that it mattered, he thought dismally. What girl would want to know a kid who was a part-time polar bear?

  But it was strange how she had just vanished! She wasn’t even at the Wednesday night discos, where every other kid on the ship was raging. Maybe she didn’t like discos, thought Fuzz. Or maybe she was just always in another part of the ship from him.

  And it was a big ship. It even had three restaurants, one of which served sushi. Which meant that every mealtime Fuzz had to order sushi and sneak the rice and raw fish into his napkin and smuggle it down to Pa.

  Other passengers ordered room service if they didn’t want to go to a dining room. But if Pa ordered room service the waiter would see that he was a polar bear.

  It was all so difficult, thought Fuzz, as he wandered back down to their cabin after breakfast, a fish-smelling napkin in his hand. It was really embarrassing asking a waiter for some sushi after he’d already eaten a bowl of porridge, a big plate of scrambled eggs, roast tomato, baked beans, toast and honey, a big bowl of watermelon and rockmelon and a large glass of orange juice. But it was the only way he could get food to Pa.

  At least this morning the corridor was deserted and there was no one to see him carrying a napkin of sushi.

  Fuzz sighed, and calculated how many more weeks they had to sail before they’d reach the Arctic. Surely as soon as they saw snow-covered shores Pa would want to come outside, just in case he missed his first glimpse of a polar bear! And to do that he’d have to take off his polar bear suit. And maybe he’d find it was okay not wearing his polar bear suit and…

  Tinkle…tinkle…jingle…

  Fuzz stopped. What was that noise? He shook his head. It had sounded like bells. But that was ridiculous. Why would anyone be ringing bells on a cruise ship? These were tinkling bells too, not alarm-type bells. They sounded more like a mob of kindergarten kids playing ‘Jingle Bells’.

  He was just imagining things, he decided, and he started to hurry down the corridor again. And Pa would be waiting for his sushi…

  Tap…tap…tap…

  Fuzz hesitated. Was that someone walking behind him? He glanced behind. There was a flash of shadow, as though someone had ducked into a doorway.

  Fuzz shrugged. So what if there had been anyone there? Maybe another passenger was coming down to their cabin. But they’d been…strange footsteps. Almost as though someone was tip-toeing after him…

  He began to walk again.

  Tap…tap…tap…

  This time he turned quickly, without pausing first. There was a flas
h of red and green, as if someone had darted around a corner.

  Red and green—the girl with pointed ears had been wearing red and green. But it couldn’t be her. Why would she follow him around the ship? And would she still be wearing red and green, for that matter? He really was imagining things…

  Fuzz turned the last corner to their cabin. A steward was standing just a few doors down, holding an empty tray.

  ‘Excuse me.’ Fuzz tried to move around him. ‘Um, are you all right?’

  The steward stared at him. His eyes were wide and his face was white. ‘I…I…I…’

  ‘Maybe you’d better sit down,’ suggested Fuzz. ‘You look like you’ve had a shock.’

  ‘I have! Oh, it was weird. Really weird!’ whispered the steward.

  ‘What was it? It wasn’t tinkling bells, was it?’ demanded Fuzz.

  The steward stared at him. ‘Bells? I didn’t hear any bells. I wouldn’t mind if I had heard bells! No this was…’ The steward hesitated, as though it was too weird even to say.

  ‘What was it then?’ prompted Fuzz.

  ‘It was a polar bear!’ whispered the steward.

  ‘Oh,’ said Fuzz.

  ‘It really was!’ the steward assured him.‘I know it sounds crazy, but it really happened! This big shaggy polar bear was walking down the passage and it saw the plate on my tray and it said, “I’ll have that!” And then it vanished!’

  ‘Oh,’ said Fuzz again.

  ‘But there aren’t any polar bears on a ship!’ wailed the steward. ‘We won’t even see any on shore for weeks! I think I’m going mad!’

  ‘You’re just tired,’ said Fuzz soothingly. ‘Um…I saw a guy in a white fur coat earlier. It was probably him.’

  ‘But why would he steal the plate?’ cried the steward. ‘You can order all the food you want free from room service.’

  ‘It wasn’t fish by any chance, was it?’ said Fuzz cautiously.

  ‘Yes, it was,’ said the steward. ‘A nice bit of sushi. How did you know that?’ he added. He was starting to look suspicious now.