Delphi Complete Works of William Dean Howells

by William Dean Howells

  Dan did not know whether he ought to kiss her or not, but Mrs. Pasmer did not in the abstract seem like a very kissing kind of person, and he let himself be guided by this impression, in the absence of any fixed principle applying to the case. She made some neat remark concerning the probable settlement of the affair with her husband, and began to laugh and joke about it in a manner that was very welcome to Dan; it did not seem to him that it ought to be treated so solemnly.

  But though Mrs. Pasmer laughed and joked; he was aware of her meaning business — business in the nicest sort of a way, but business after all, and he liked her for it. He was glad to be explicit about his hopes and plans, and told what his circumstances were so fully that Mrs. Pasmer, whom his frankness gratified and amused, felt obliged to say that she had not meant to ask so much about his affairs, and he must excuse her if she had seemed to do so. She had her own belief that Mavering would understand, but she did not mind that. She said that, of course, till his own family had been consulted, it must not be considered seriously — that Mr. Pasmer insisted upon that point; and when Dan vehemently asserted the acquiescence of his family beforehand, and urged his father’s admiration for Alice in proof, she reminded him that his mother was to be considered, and put Mr. Pasmer’s scruples forward as her own reason for obduracy. In her husband’s presence she attributed to him, with his silent assent, all sorts of reluctances and delicate compunctions; she gave him the importance which would have been naturally a husband’s due in such an affair, and ingratiated herself more and more with the young man. She ignored Mr. Pasmer’s withdrawal when it took place, after a certain lapse of time, and as the moment had come for that, she began to let herself go. She especially approved of the idea of going abroad and confessed her disappointment with her present experiment of America, where it appeared there was no leisure class of men sufficiently large to satisfy the social needs of Mr. Pasmer’s nature, and she told Dan that he might expect them in Europe before long. Perhaps they might all three meet him there. At this he betrayed so clearly that he now intended his going to Europe merely as a sequel to his marrying Alice, while he affected to fall in with all Mrs. Pasmer said, that she grew fonder than ever of him for his ardour and his futile duplicity. If it had been in Dan’s mind to take part in the rite, Mrs. Pasmer was quite ready at this point to embrace him with motherly tenderness. Her tough little heart was really in her throat with sympathy when she made an errand for the photograph of an English vicarage, which they had hired the summer of the year before, and she sent Alice back with it alone.

  It seemed so long since they had met that the change in Alice did not strike him as strange or as too rapidly operated. They met with the fervour natural after such a separation, and she did not so much assume as resume possession of him. It was charming to have her do it, to have her act as if they had always been engaged, to have her try to press down the cowlick that started capriciously across his crown, and to straighten his necktie, and then to drop beside him on the sofa; it thrilled and awed him; and he silently worshipped the superior composure which her sex has in such matters. Whatever was the provisional interpretation which her father and mother pretended to put upon the affair, she apparently had no reservations, and they talked of their future as a thing assured. The Dark Ages, as they agreed to call the period of despair for ever closed that morning, had matured their love till now it was a rapture of pure trust. They talked as if nothing could prevent its fulfilment, and they did not even affect to consider the question of his family’s liking it or not liking it. She said that she thought his father was delightful, and he told her that his father had taken the greatest fancy to her at the beginning, and knew that Dan was in love with her. She asked him about his mother, and she said just what he could have wished her to say about his mother’s sufferings, and the way she bore them. They talked about Alice’s going to see her.

  “Of course your father will bring your sisters to see me first.”

  “Is that the way?” he asked: “You may depend upon his doing the right thing, whatever it is.”

  “Well, that’s the right thing,” she said. “I’ve thought it out; and that reminds me of a duty of ours, Dan!”

  “A duty?” he repeated, with a note of reluctance for its untimeliness.

  “Yes. Can’t you think what?”

  “No; I didn’t know there was a duty left in the world.”

  “It’s full of them.”

  “Oh, don’t say that, Alice!” He did not like this mood so well as that of the morning, but his dislike was only a vague discomfort — nothing formulated or distinct.

  “Yes,” she persisted; “and we must do them. You must go to those ladies you disappointed so this morning, and apologise — explain.”

  Dan laughed. “Why, it wasn’t such a very ironclad engagement as all that, Alice. They said they were going to drive out to Cambridge over the Milldam, and I said I was going out there to get some of my traps together, and they could pick me up at the Art Museum if they liked. Besides, how could I explain?”

  She laughed consciously with him. “Of course. But,” she added ruefully, “I wish you hadn’t disappointed them.”

  “Oh, they’ll get over it. If I hadn’t disappointed them, I shouldn’t be here, and I shouldn’t like that. Should you?”

  “No; but I wish it hadn’t happened. It’s a blot, and I didn’t want a blot on this day.”

  “Oh, well, it isn’t very much of a blot, and I can easily wipe it off. I’ll tell you what, Alice! I can write to Mrs. Frobisher, when our engagement comes out, and tell her how it was. She’ll enjoy the joke, and so will Miss Wrayne. They’re jolly and easygoing; they won’t mind.”

  “How long have you known them?”

  “I met them on Class Day, and then I saw them — the day after I left Campobello.” Dan laughed a little.

  “How, saw them?”

  “Well, I went to a yacht race with them. I happened to meet them in the street, and they wanted me to go; and I was all broken up, and — I Went.”

  “Oh!” said Alice. “The day after I — you left Campobello?”

  “Well — yes.”

  “And I was thinking of you all that day as — And I couldn’t bear to look at anybody that day, or speak!”

  “Well, the fact is, I — I was distracted, and I didn’t know what I was doing. I was desperate; I didn’t care.”

  “How did you find out about the yacht race?”

  “Boardman told me. Boardman was there.”

  “Did he know the ladies? Did he go too?”

  “No. He was there to report the race for the Events. He went on the press boat.”

  “Oh!” said Alice. “Was there a large party?”

  “No, no. Not very. Just ourselves, in fact. They were awfully kind. And they made me go home to dinner with them.”

  “They must have been rather peculiar people,” said Alice. “And I don’t see how — so soon—” She could not realise that Mavering was then a rejected man, on whom she had voluntarily renounced all claim. A retroactive resentment which she could not control possessed her with the wish to punish those bold women for being agreeable to one who had since become everything to her, though then he was ostensibly nothing.

  In a vague way, Dan felt her displeasure with that passage of his history, but no man could have fully imagined it.

  “I couldn’t tell half the time what I was saying or eating. I talked at random and ate at random. I guess they thought something was wrong; they asked me who was at Campobello.”

  “Indeed!”

  “But you may be sure I didn’t give myself away. I was awfully broken up,” he concluded inconsequently.

  She liked his being broken up, but she did not like the rest. She would not press the question further now. She only said rather gravely, “If it’s such a short acquaintance, can you write to them in that familiar way?”

  “Oh yes! Mrs. Frobisher is one of that kind.”

  Alice was silent a moment b
efore she said, “I think you’d better not write. Let it go,” she sighed.

  “Yes, that’s what I think,” said Dan. “Better let it go. I guess it will explain itself in the course of time. But I don’t want any blots around.” He leaned over and looked her smilingly in the face.

  “Oh no,” she murmured; and then suddenly she caught him round the neck, crying and sobbing. “It’s only — because I wanted it to be — perfect. Oh, I wonder if I’ve done right? Perhaps I oughtn’t to have taken you, after all; but I do love you — dearly, dearly! And I was so unhappy when I’d lost you. And now I’m afraid I shall be a trial to you — nothing but a trial.”

  The first tears that a young man sees a woman shed for love of him are inexpressibly sweeter than her smiles. Dan choked with tender pride and pity. When he found his voice, he raved out with incoherent endearments that she only made him more and more happy by her wish to have the affair perfect, and that he wished her always to be exacting with him, for that would give him a chance to do something for her, and all that he desired, as long as he lived, was to do just what she wished.

  At the end of his vows and entreaties, she lifted her face radiantly, and bent a smile upon him as sunny as that with which the sky after a summer storm denies that there has ever been rain in the world.

  “Ah! you—” He could say no more. He could not be more enraptured than he was. He could only pass from surprise to surprise, from delight to delight. It was her love of him which wrought these miracles. It was all a miracle, and no part more wonderful than another. That she, who had seemed as distant as a star, and divinely sacred from human touch, should be there in his arms, with her head on his shoulder, where his kiss could reach her lips, not only unforbidden, but eagerly welcome, was impossible, and yet it was true.. But it was no more impossible and no truer, than that a being so poised, so perfectly self-centred as she, should already be so helplessly dependent upon him for her happiness. In the depths of his soul he invoked awful penalties upon himself if ever he should betray her trust, if ever he should grieve that tender heart in the slightest thing, if from that moment he did not make his whole life a sacrifice and an expiation.

  He uttered some of these exalted thoughts, and they did not seem to appear crazy to her. She said yes, they must make their separate lives offerings to each other, and their joint lives an offering to God. The tears came into his eyes at these words of hers: they were so beautiful and holy and wise. He agreed that one ought always to go to church, and that now he should never miss a service. He owned that he had been culpable in the past. He drew her closer to him — if that were possible — and sealed his words with a kiss.

  But he could not realise his happiness then, or afterward, when he walked the streets under the thinly misted moon of that Indian summer night.

  He went down to the Events office when he left Alice, and found Boardman, and told him that he was engaged, and tried to work Boardman up to some sense of the greatness of the fact. Boardman shoved his fine white teeth under his spare moustache, and made acceptable jokes, but he did not ask indiscreet questions, and Dan’s statement of the fact did not seem to give it any more verity than it had before. He tried to get Boardman to come and walk with him and talk it over; but Boardman said he had just been detailed to go and work up the case of a Chinaman who had suicided a little earlier in the evening.

  “Very well, then; I’ll go with you,” said Mavering. “How can you live in such a den as this?” he asked, looking about the little room before Boardman turned down his incandescent electric. “There isn’t anything big enough to hold me but all outdoors.”

  In the street he linked his arm through his friend’s, and said he felt that he had a right to know all about the happy ending of the affair, since he had been told of that miserable phase of it at Portland. But when he came to the facts he found himself unable to give them with the fulness he had promised. He only imparted a succinct statement as to the where and when of the whole matter, leaving the how of it untold.

  The sketch was apparently enough for Boardman. For all comment, he reminded Mavering that he had told him at Portland it would come out all right.

  “Yes, you did, Boardman; that’s a fact,” said Dan; and he conceived a higher respect for the penetration of Boardman than he had before.

  They stopped at a door in a poor court which they had somehow reached without Mavering’s privity. “Will you come in?” asked Boardman.

  “What for?”

  “Chinaman.”

  “Chinaman?” Then Mavering remembered. “Good heavens! no. What have I got to do with him?”

  “Both mortal,” suggested the reporter.

  The absurdity of this idea, though a little grisly, struck Dan as a good joke. He hit the companionable Boardman on the shoulder, and then gave him a little hug, and remounted his path of air, and walked off in it.

  XXVII.

  Mavering first woke in the morning with the mechanical recurrence of that shame and grief which each day had brought him since Alice refused him. Then with a leap of the heart came the recollection of all that had happened yesterday. Yet lurking within his rapture was a mystery of regret: a reasonless sense of loss, as if the old feeling had been something he would have kept. Then this faded, and he had only the longing to see her, to realise in her presence and with her help the fact that she was his. An unspeakable pride filled him, and a joy in her love. He tried to see some outward vision of his bliss in the glass; but, like the mirror which had refused to interpret his tragedy in the Portland restaurant, it gave back no image of his transport: his face looked as it always did, and he and the refection laughed at each other:

  He asked himself how soon he could go and see her. It was now seven o’clock: eight would be too early, of course — it would be ridiculous; and nine — he wondered if he might go to see her at nine. Would they have done breakfast? Had he any right to call before ten? He was miserable at the thought of waiting till ten: it would be three hours. He thought of pretexts — of inviting her to go somewhere, but that was absurd, for he could see her at home all day if he liked; of carrying her a book, but there could be no such haste about a book; of going to ask if he had left his cane, but why should he be in such a hurry for his cane? All at once he thought he could take her some flowers — a bouquet to lay beside her plate at breakfast. He dramatised himself charging the servant who should take it from him at the door not to say who left it; but Alice would know, of course, and they would all know; it would be very pretty. He made Mrs. Pasmer say some flattering things of him; and he made Alice blush deliciously to hear them. He could not manage Mr. Pasmer very well, and he left him out of the scene: he imagined him shaving in another room; then he remembered his wearing a full beard.

  He dressed himself as quickly as he could, and went down into the hotel vestibule, where he had noticed people selling flowers the evening before, but there was no one there with them now, and none of the florists’ shops on the street were open yet. He could not find anything till he went to the Providence Depot, and the man there had to take some of his yesterday’s flowers out of the refrigerator where he kept them; he was not sure they would be very fresh; but the heavy rosebuds had fallen open, and they were superb. Dan took all there were, and when they had been sprinkled with water, and wrapped in cotton batting, and tied round with paper, it was still only quarter of eight, and he left them with the man till he could get his breakfast at the Depot restaurant. There it had a consoling effect of not being so early; many people were already breakfasting, and when Dan said, with his order, “Hurry it up, please,” he knew that he was taken for a passenger just arrived or departing. By a fantastic impulse he ordered eggs and bacon again; he felt, it a fine derision of the past and a seal of triumph upon the present to have the same breakfast after his acceptance as he had ordered after his rejection; he would tell Alice about it, and it would amuse her. He imagined how he would say it, and she would laugh; but she would be full of a ravishing compassion for h
is past suffering. They were long bringing the breakfast; when it came he despatched it so quickly that it was only half after eight when he paid his check at the counter. He tried to be five minutes more getting his flowers, but the man had them all ready for him, and it did not take him ten seconds. He had said he would carry them at half-past nine; but thinking it over on a bench in the Garden, he decided that he had better go sooner; they might breakfast earlier, and there would be no fun if Alice did not find the roses beside her plate: that was the whole idea. It was not till he stood at the door of the Pasmer apartment that he reflected that he was not accomplishing his wish to see Alice by leaving her those flowers; he was a fool, for now he would have to postpone coming a little, because he had already come.

  The girl who answered the bell did not understand the charge he gave her about the roses, and he repeated his words. Some one passing through the room beyond seemed to hesitate and pause at the sound of his voice. Could it be Alice? Then he should see her, after all! The girl looked over her shoulder, and said, “Mrs. Pasmer.”

  Mrs. Pasmer came forward, and he fell into a complicated explanation and apology. At the end she said, “You had better give them yourself. She will be here directly.” They were in the room now, and Mrs. Pasmer made the time pass in rapid talk; but Dan felt that he ought to apologise from time to time. “No!” she said, letting herself go. “Stay and breakfast with us, Mr. Mavering. We shall be so glad to have you.”

  At last Alice came in, and they decorously shook hands. Mrs. Pasmer turned away a smile at their decorum. “I will see that there’s a place for you,” she said, leaving them.

  They were instantly in each other’s arms. It seemed to him that all this had happened because he had so strongly wished it.