by Diane Adams
Jared studied Clark's face and he allowed the perusal. Clark was at his wits' end over Stevie. He thought loving her might be enough. Now he wasn't sure. He couldn't even get her to tell him what was wrong. As far as boyfriends went, he had to be the worst one ever.
Jared blew out a breath. "If you are ready to move on, the kindest thing you can do is tell her you are going to start dating and then do it."
"Poor Clark, you are so mistreated." Coming from the office door just off the kitchen, her voice took them by surprise.
Clark and Jared turned to see Stevie standing just inside the room, her expression as hard as her words. "You know, Clark, it's past time for you to move on. No one asked you to fucking sit around here waiting for something that's never going to happen. What makes you think I care what you do?" She disappeared back into the office.
A moment later the outer door slammed and she was gone.
Clark turned to face Jared, but the compassion in the older man's face was more than he could bear. "Not now, Jared." Struggling to come to terms with everything he was feeling, Clark settled for controlling his expression. Jaw locked, he left his books lying where they were and fled out the back door.
He didn't go far, finding refuge under the huge old tree in the back yard that had sheltered Jared and Alex so many times. When his phone rang Clark started to ignore it, but the ringtone was Alex's and if there was anyone Clark wished he could see at that moment it was his best friend. Sitting cradled by the roots of the tree, his back braced against the trunk Clark dug his phone out of his pocket. "Hey."
"Hey yourself, are you okay?" No pretense on Alex's part and it made Clark smile a little. Jared had called him, of course, why pretend otherwise.
"Yeah. No. Heck, if I know. God, Alex, she's being such a bitch, and I don't know what she means or doesn't mean anymore. I'm not even sure I should still be trying to figure it out." Raw with pain, Clark's throat ached with unshed tears. "I think maybe she really does want me to just leave her alone."
"You know what she went through…" Alex paused. "Clark, she might not ever be whole again."
Clark didn't try to stop the tears that insisted on making an appearance. He let them wet his cheeks. They felt cold in the fall air, but he ignored it.
"I know that, Alex. I just want to be there for her. I don't understand why it's so hard. Why won't she talk to me? It doesn't have to be about sex or even having a relationship. I love her so much. I want to help. I just want…" He broke, sobbing quietly.
He didn't care if Alex knew he was crying.
"I know. I wish I was there. Can I tell you what I think?"
Clark wiped his face on his sleeve. "Yeah, sure. What do you think I should do? I don't understand her at all."
Alex sighed. "She's a girl, Clark. What man understands that?"
Clark huffed a laugh. "Is that why it's so easy for you and Jared, because you're both guys?"
Alex was quiet for a long moment. "It's not always as easy as it might look from the outside, but I think it goes as well as it does because one of us is Jared."
"I guess that's probably true. I wish Stevie was Jared."
"Dude."
"'Like Jared. Geez, give me a break. I'm in crisis here."
Alex's tone softened. "I know. I was just thinking maybe you should back off a while, not give up or anything, just give her some space. Enough space for her to get the idea you might not always be there and to figure out if that's what she wants."
Even with hundreds of miles between them and their conversation dependent on the phone, sitting in silence together felt natural. While he thought about Alex's words Clark held the phone to his ear, listening to Alex breathe. "I'm going to get my own apartment." He made it a statement. "I'm here all the time. The only thing I don't do here is sleep. Jared doesn't care, but Stevie stays here, too, and if I'm going to give her space I have to have somewhere else to go."
"Bachelor pad. Sounds pretty sweet," Alex teased. "I think it's a good idea. I'll have some place to hide from Jared when he's being too Jared even for me."
Clark snorted. "Like that'll ever happen."
"Oh it does, occasionally," Alex confessed. "Do you have any idea where?"
"There are plenty of places but probably an apartment in one of the converted houses closer to the college. I'll be able to walk to school."
"You've already been thinking about this."
"Yeah, I have," Clark confessed. "I need my own space. Home is… well it's home and I'm outgrowing that pretty fast. Without you here, hanging out at Jared's all the time is just pathetic. I mean with Stevie around, it's like all I do is moon over her."
"That is all you do."
"God, you're an ass."
"I aim to please. So when I come home for Thanksgiving you'll have your own apartment? The college is kinda far." Alex tried not to sound anxious, but he and Clark had lived within walking distance of each other their whole lives. "You aren't going to fade into the background or something stupid are you?"
"I don't plan on it. I just have to figure things out. If Stevie really doesn't want me—" Clark worked hard to keep how much those words hurt out of his tone. "She's pretty much the only girl I've ever wanted. It'll be weird to try to find someone else." Clark had no idea how to give up on love and move on to someone new. He couldn't even imagine loving someone else. "All this love stuff is a pain. Maybe I should have let Justin give me that blow job while we were rooming over the summer."
Alex choked on a laugh. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"You know 'fuck' is like twenty bucks in Jared's cuss jar right?" Clark settled against the tree and happy with the change in subject, entertaining Alex for the rest of the call with stories about his summer away from home with a horny gay guy who didn't have an ounce of reserve and was perfectly content to ignore all personal boundaries. Laughing when they said goodbye, Clark felt better. Nothing had been solved, but the idea of moving out on his own had firmly taken root.
Clark made enough working for Jared to support himself. There was plenty of money in the bank after working all summer with his only expense keeping himself fed. He could have been oversexed all summer as well. He remembered clearly the hot feel of Justin pressed against his back, breath moist in his ear, "Straight guys are so hot. Are you sure?" Headed back to the house, Clark laughed at the memory. Thanks to a touchy-feely best friend, Justin hadn't even had the satisfaction of unsettling him.
"Quite sure, but thanks." He'd grinned over his shoulder. "You're cute, but not my type."
They'd gone from there to form a strong friendship, one filled with Justin's half-hearted attempts to get into Clark's pants. Clark supposed he could have put a stop to it, but why bother since it amused them both. He glanced at his watch. Four fifteen, too late to go out to look for an apartment but Google was always open. He stuffed his books back into his book bag and went looking for Jared. Clark didn't have to go far, finding Jared in the living room, sprawled in his giant recliner. He looked strange sitting there watching Food Network without Alex tucked against him. Jared sat up when Clark came in, did a visual once over to make sure he was fine.
Clark managed to hold up under the scrutiny. "I have some stuff to talk about. Dinner? I'm buying."
Jared groaned, but got up. "Greasy Dog?"
"Dude, after the day I had? You better believe it."
They grabbed their jackets on the way out the door.
Jared wrapped Clark in a quick one armed hug. "Everything's going to be okay."
Clark glanced at him. "I know. Everything might not turn out the way I want it to, but it's going to be fine." He was rewarded by the glow of fierce pride in Jared's eyes.
It was stupid to be so happy that Jared was proud of him, but undeniable as well. Clark liked it when Jared looked at him like an equal. It made getting through the crap life kept handing him more bearable.
That Hollowed Out Feeling
Clark stood in the open door of his apartment, staring
. "Stevie." She was the last person he expected to see when he answered the knock.
She gave a small smile. "Jared said you found a nice place. I wanted to come by and bring you something." She held out a box printed with the image of a windowsill garden. "He said you have a nice window in the kitchen. You know Jared, he notices stuff. I just…" She trailed off when he still hadn't said anything. "Yeah, bad idea. I'll go."
"No." Clark reached out and grabbed her arm then looked at his hand wrapped around her coat sleeve and let it fall away. Clark didn't know if he wanted memories of Stevie to haunt his apartment, but he wasn't cold-hearted enough to just send her away. "Thanks. That's nice of you. Come on in and we'll see if it fits."
Once she stepped inside, the airy, open floor design of his apartment suddenly seemed claustrophobic. "You can look around while I do this." Clark turned his attention to opening the box.
"Okay, thanks." She smiled and moved away.
Clark breathed a sigh of relief as she made her way through the apartment, ducking her head inside the bedroom and bathroom doors without really going in. The place couldn't be called big, but the high ceilings of the old house made it feel more spacious. Plenty of room for a bachelor, or even a nice starter apartment for a young couple. He didn't let himself think along those lines, not admitting even to himself he'd chosen it because he knew Stevie would love it.
"It's beautiful." She stood in the living room near the loveseat, the closest thing to a couch he owned.
The thrift store was picked over this time of year, with all the college students moving in. He'd be able to pick up better furniture in the spring when they were all dumping stuff to go home. Clark half read the instructions in the box. He dumped the dirt pouches and wet them. Sprinkled different seeds in the separate compartments and stuck in the little plastic signs that listed the names of the herbs. He doubted he had the signs in the right place. It didn't matter. The planter fit easily on the broad sill of his kitchen window, and Clark remembered the woman who showed him the apartment called it a greenhouse window. Leave it to Jared to notice something like that and mention it to Stevie. The situation had all the earmarks of a conspiracy.
"It's great, Stevie, thanks." He turned from the window to see her standing in the middle of the living room holding his guitar.
She looked up, her expression unreadable. "You play?"
Wiping his hands on his jeans, Clark moved to join her. "Kind of. Justin taught me over the summer. I didn't have anything to do and it kept my mind off… kept me busy."
She smiled, her eyes bright. "Will you play something for me?"
Clark's heart turned over. Playing was a bad idea for so very many reasons. He accepted the guitar from her and sat on the edge of the loveseat, his fingers settling on the strings between the frets with easy familiarity. He strummed a few chords, testing the tuning. After a slight adjustment he began to play, his head bent over the instrument, his beautiful voice blending with the guitar after a few minutes. He sang Darren Hayes' "So Beautiful". Not the typical beginner song, but he'd moved through the stages of beginner and intermediate to competent player with a swift surety that had astounded Justin.
Expressing his feelings didn't come easily to Clark. He might be honest and blunt, but he preferred to cover what he really felt with buffoonery. He didn't mind that people who didn't know him well saw him as a clown. It made life easier because they never expected more. There were very few people in his life that made him want to give more. Alex was one, and for some inexplicable reason, Jared. And Stevie.
He felt the loveseat give under her weight when she sat beside him, making their knees brush, but Clark didn't look up. He played and sang, using someone else's words to give voice to all the things in his heart.
When the last notes played out and Clark lifted his head to look at her at last, Stevie's face was wet with tears and her expression no longer unreadable. Clark's chest constricting he reached out and cupped her face with a single, callused hand. His thumb wiped the tears on her cheek and his gaze captured hers. He leaned forward and brushed their lips together. She gasped softly but didn't pull away.
Clark pressed his cheek to her damp one. "I love you."
He didn't plan to say it. Not at the moment. If the truth was known… not ever. Convinced Stevie didn't want him, he'd determined he would move on with his life. That his decision would eventually lead to finding someone else, something he didn't think about.
Having Stevie in his home did something to him inside. The yearning in her expression after he sang to her turned out to be more than he could bear. The words slipped from him as naturally as breathing. He supposed it didn't matter. He couldn't lose what he'd never had and at least now they had this single moment of honesty between them.
Stevie sucked in a harsh breath and stilled under his touch. When Clark met her eyes again, she looked stunned and panicked. With a sinking heart, Clark realized there wouldn't be an answering declaration.
She jumped to her feet. "I have to go."
Heartbroken, he let her go.
Harder than Rough
Clark felt Alex's gaze follow him around the small kitchen as he got them a couple of sodas from the fridge.
"I didn't know you were coming home early for Thanksgiving." Clark set Alex's soda in front of him, still in the bottle.
Friends since daycare never got cups that had to be washed. Clark liked his apartment clean, but he didn't like the work it took to get it that way. He found ways to keep from adding to that chore as much as he could.
"Well, if anyone had heard from you in the last few weeks, you would have." Alex frowned and Clark felt the cut of the truth behind the jibe. "Being the brilliant honors student I am, combined with the fact I haven't missed a single day all semester, helped convince my professors that skipping a couple of days before the holiday would be fine. I got home late last night. And now, here I am to find out why I haven't heard a damn thing out of you in two weeks." Alex opened his drink and took a long swallow but his eyes remained fixed on Clark.
"I've been busy, work and school. That last job Jared took is a bitch. I want to stay ahead because next semester I have to apprentice with a brick layer—on top of my school work and my job." Clark knew his excuse sounded weak.
He'd pulled away from Jared and Alex after what happened with Stevie. He didn't want to think about her, much less talk about her, but with those two around one or the other and most likely both were inevitable.
Alex stared at him from across the table. "Don't you dare."
Clark frowned. "What?"
"Don't you dare cut me out. After everything you did for me when Jared and I were trying to work things out, all the crap you put up with from me. Don't you dare try to do this alone." Alex sounded angry, but his eyes were filled with compassion.
Clark felt his composure begin to crack. Maybe if he just told someone how much her rejection hurt, the pain of her walking away wouldn't be quite so sharp. It might dull the blade of pain that cut into his heart, or his belly, at the most unexpected times. The sight of a pretty girl tossing her head, the trees dropping their fall leaves, the sound of his breathing in the silence of his bedroom in the dark. Clark never knew what would set it off.
He opened his mouth. "I can't talk about it." And closed it again.
Alex closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. Clark easily recognized the signs of an agitated Alex. He wouldn't let it go, so Clark talked about something else, effectively heading him off at the pass.
"I'll be done with school in little over a year and a half."
Alex looked at him like he had lost his mind. Clark didn't know if that assessment was wrong.
"And?" Alex sounded frustrated.
"I don't know. Justin is talking about starting up his own construction company. He's got family in New York. He asked me if I wanted to do it with him."
"Do what with him?" Alex looked confused and then concerned. "Justin is always trying to get the straight gu
ys to do him, you aren't…"
In spite of the circumstances, Clark had to choke back a laugh at the expression on Alex's face. "Seriously, Alex? No. Dick is not my thing. He wants me to go with him to start the business when I graduate. He said we can save for it now and he knows some guys back home who are like me, new to construction work, but good at what we do."
"New York? You're thinking about going to New York?"
Clark got up and wandered over to the kitchen window looking at the herbs sprouting there, bright green against the dark soil and remembered the look in Stevie's eyes when he confessed his love. His heart constricted and even knowing he'd hurt Alex didn't make him back down.
"I'm thinking about it. There's not much for me here. I can't spend my whole life playing third wheel to you and Jared, and I can't… I don't know how to…" His voice broke and Alex was there beside him, but when Clark felt Alex's hand on his shoulder he moved from under the comforting touch.
"It's what normal people do, Alex. They grow up and move away. They get lives and leave kid stuff in the past."
"That's what our friendship is to you? Kid stuff?"
How much he'd hurt Alex was clear in his tone, but Clark didn't turn towards him, just kept staring at the plants. Plants shouldn't be so green in the fall when everything was dying. It wasn't natural.
He touched a tender leaf with his finger as he searched for words. "This isn't about you, Alex."
Alex took a deep breath, an annoying calming habit he'd learned from Jared. "I know what it's about. You can't let her drive you away. This isn't worth losing everything over."
Clark turned slowly, his eyes furious. "Is that right? And if Jared had shut the door in your face when you went back to him instead of letting you in, exactly what would you be planning to do with your life right now?" Clark's fist balled at his side and he forced it to relax. He reined in his temper, struggling to find a calmer tone but his voice continued to rise, despite his best efforts. "Would it be to come back to town and apply for a job at his company? So you had to see him every day? So you got to watch while he built his life with someone else? So you could be reminded every fucking day that you'd given everything and it wasn't good enough? That you weren't good enough."