by Diane Adams
Alex looked stricken and Clark squashed the instinct to fix what he'd hurt, wanting his words to hit home. He needed Alex to understand his feelings. Alex's world was colored in Jared. Part of it was the patina of new love, but mostly he lived and breathed Jared. Jared was a part of Alex in a way Clark could see but had never experienced. Stevie didn't want Clark, and loving her hurt. Sugar coating it to protect Alex wouldn't change the facts.
"Tell me what happened."
Shaking his head at Alex's demand, Clark wondered what it'd take to get Alex to give up. "I don't want to talk about it. Nothing happened, and it's obvious nothing is ever going to happen. Whatever she wants, it's not me. Fine, right?" He gestured towards the windows. "There's a whole fucking world out there and it's full of girls. Hell, even some of the boys want me. I don't need this shit."
Alex confronted Clark, arms folded over his chest. "So, things are over with you and Stevie—which I don't believe, by the way—and you're breaking up with me?" Alex's face contorted and the pain in his voice made Clark wince, but he didn't back down.
"When I go to talk to Jared, she's there. If I stop by the office for something, she's there." He shook his head. "She's all soft looks touching my arm or hand, and seeming compassionate but I don't dare take a step closer. Because you can bet if I do she's out of there." He snorted. "She doesn't want me, but she won't leave me alone. What am I supposed to do?" His voice rose. "What the hell do you want from me?"
"I just want my friend."
"Yeah? Well, I'm not sure that guy is home anymore." Clark turned away. "Go home to Jared and be happy you have something to be thankful for."
Under normal circumstances Clark would have ripped off his right arm before hurting Alex, but the memory of the last time he'd stopped by Jared's to pick up plans for the job remained fresh in his mind. Stevie's touch on the back of his hand, her eyes staring into his with such longing he'd reached for her, only to have her pull away and pretend it hadn't happened. He didn't know what game she was playing, but his heart couldn't take it.
"Clark, that's not fair…"
Clark had already crossed the room, opening the door. "News flash, Alex. Life's not always fair. Not all of us get your happy ever after." Clark decided he deserved a special award for not hitting anything until the door closed behind his best friend.
* * * *
"What in the holy hell have you done to Clark?"
Startled, Stevie whirled around. The spoon she'd been using to stir the spaghetti sauce clutched in one hand, dripping bright red sauce onto the throw rug under her feet. The sheer volume of Alex's voice stunned her. Jared never yelled, at least never at her, and since Clark had stopped coming around he treated her like she might break. Alex's unexpected attack left her speechless.
"I don't know what… I didn't do anything…" Stevie clamped her mouth shut.
Her words rang false and considering his mood, it seemed like a really bad time to lie to Alex. Besides, it didn't make any difference. Clark's prolonged absences proved he was getting over his feelings. He didn't care if he saw her or not. A good thing since she didn't want to see him. Stevie ignored the sharp stab of pain accompanying the thought of losing Clark completely.
"Don't give me that innocent girly crap. I have friends. I know what you girls are like. All sweet and simpering on the outside, butter wouldn't melt in your fucking mouth, but inside? Ha!" Alex stalked towards her, his fury filling the air between them, anger seething in his tone. "I never thought you were like that, stringing guys along with teasing looks and accidental touches. Are you an idiot? He loves you. He's loved you for so long, I don't think he even knows there are other girls."
Alex's words sliced deeper than a knife and Stevie felt her carefully built defenses beginning to crumble. Clark's hand on her face. So beautiful. His kiss. I love you.
She shook her head, denying Alex's accusation. "I didn't do anything! Stop yelling at me."
"That's bullshit. He's going to leave. Did you know that? That's what he told me just now. He's leaving. With fucking Justin! What did you do?" Alex was closing in on her but with the stove at her back Stevie had nowhere to go.
I love you. Stevie had lived with the echo of Clark's words in her head since he'd said them. Sometimes they drowned out her mother's voice, and she could almost believe.
Those moments never lasted. "He should leave. He needs to get away from me and find someone good enough for him because I'm not."
Alex froze in his tracks. "You aren't good enough. He's not good enough. What the hell is wrong with you two?" He threw his hands up. "Haven't you seen how he looks at you? He looks at you like Jared looks at me. Doesn't that mean anything to you? How can you say you aren't good enough when he looks at you like that?" Alex stopped yelling, but his words were more intense than a shout, his pain and confusion obvious.
"It's so damn easy for you, Alex. You're stubborn as fuck. You never give up. You show up with a pie and you get happily ever after." Stevie's fingers tightened around the handle of the spoon. "It's not like that for everyone. I'm screwed up. My mother's crazy. I can't even have a baby for him." She wiped at the tears on her face, managing to smear spaghetti sauce over her cheek in the process.
Alex backed off a little, but he didn't relent. "Is that what you see? You think it's so fucking easy? You think Jared's never an infuriating, stubborn bastard? You aren't stupid Stevie, stop acting like it. You know nothing is always simple." Frowning, Alex pointed at her. "You aren't the only one with a past, with family issues, with unresolved trauma in your life. And you know what? I can't have a fucking baby either. So. The. Hell. What. Clark loves you with every fucking fiber of his being. "
"It's not the same, Alex. I'm supposed to have babies and you aren't. Clark deserves children. I can't just let go of everything that's happened because he loves me."
"Really? Because that's exactly what Jared did for me." Alex's mouth snapped shut.
Questions bloomed in Stevie's mind, but she was too focused on Alex's accusations to pursue them. "It's pretty obvious that I'm not Jared. I'm telling you, whatever Clark thinks is happening is all in his head. I never said anything to make him think we can ever have anything."
"That's how you want to play this? You never said anything, so it doesn't count? Then fuck you." Alex turned on his heel and left, visibly trembling and on the brink of tears.
Stevie watched him go. Her breath caught in her chest, moisture filling her eyes as Clark's words echoed again. I love you.
Dazed by the force of Alex's temper Stevie stared at the sauce-stained rug. It looked like blood. She wondered if she'd ever stop feeling like nothing more than a collection of open wounds. The next thing she knew Jared took the spoon out of her hand, and turned off the sauce that was about to burn. He led her out of the kitchen to sit in one of the dining room chairs.
Stevie refused to look at him. "Do you hate me too?"
"No, and neither does Alex, though you seem determined to make sure we don't like you very much. Look at me, Stevie." Jared waited in silence.
Stevie lifted her eyes to meet his. As expected, she found his quiet compassion harder to face than Alex's anger.
"What Alex said, that wasn't fair," she whispered, feeling the lie in her heart. Pretending she didn't know Clark loved her was the worst sort of betrayal, but she just couldn't bring herself to admit how she'd treated him. Depending on him to always be there while keeping enough distance in her heart to buffer it from risk.
"Alex lost his temper and crossed the line, but he isn't completely wrong. We all understand how badly you were hurt, Stevie, but that doesn't give you the right to spread the hurt around. It was your choice to leave counseling and come home early. Since you got here you've led Clark on a merry chase. It's time to make up your mind. Either tell him you want to try, or let this be the end of it. Tell him your decision to his face and make sure your actions match your words." Something in Jared's face made Stevie's heart catch and his next words were like a
physical blow. "I've put up with all of this that I will. It stops today."
Tears slipped down Stevie's cheeks. "Why are you doing this to me?" She felt a surge of panic. This wasn't supposed to happen. Jared always understood.
"You have to realize your actions affect others, sometimes every bit as much as what your mother did affects you. I know you needed time to figure things out and find your footing, but you are destroying Clark and hurting Alex. It's gone on long enough." Jared's face softened. "Someone I cared for mistreated me when I was younger. Getting over it was difficult. It took years and I suffered through most of it alone. I still struggle. You have someone who wants to help you heal. Don't take that too lightly." He stood to go and reached out to cup Stevie's cheek in his hand.
She stared up at him wide eyed. His thumb wiped her tears in a caress so reminiscent of Clark's it brought a new flood of them.
"You're strong enough to make the right choice, Stevie. I believe in you." She flew sobbing into his arms and Jared held her close for several long minutes, easing her through the worst of her emotional storm.
"Think about it," he whispered before moving her out of his embrace. "I have to go talk to Alex. He's pretty freaked out." He pressed a tender kiss to her cheek and left her there alone.
He looks at you like Jared looks at me.
He's leaving.
Fuck you.
"Oh God, Clark." Stevie sank to the floor and buried her head in her arms on the wooden seat of the chair. She'd never had to be anything but herself because Clark was always there to make sure she felt like the most beautiful, exciting girl in the world. It didn't matter if it was real because he made it true. He made her forget she was broken.
With Clark she felt like she could do anything, and that whatever she decided to do was good enough. It terrified her.
I love you.
"I love you too." She had no idea what she was going to do.
Leaving
A twelve-pack of beer in one hand and guitar in the other, Justin White stood outside the door to Clark's apartment. They'd hung out a lot since Clark moved in and Justin found it a lot more comfortable than trying to visit Clark at home, or worse, at the boss' house. His current purpose made him uneasy about visiting for the first time. Determined to find out why Clark changed from his normal, happy, smart-assed self into a grouchy hermit meant digging into his personal life. Something Justin normally avoided like a plague. He kept his relationships short and sweet. They often consisted of one night stands that evolved into a week or a month, with Justin making a smooth exit at the first sign of possessiveness. His friendships were filled with good times but had little depth. Convincing himself to knock and go in to confront his friend on a personal level took courage and a depth of character Justin hadn't known he possessed. Taking a deep breath in an effort to bolster his courage, he kicked the bottom of the door just hard enough for the sound to carry into the apartment.
"Come in." The sound of Clark's muffled voice made Justin roll his eyes.
"Open the door!"
He kicked it a little harder to be rewarded by the sound of Clark's heavy footsteps from inside and a moment later the door swung open. His glum expression didn't brighten at the sight of Justin. He reached out for the handle of the guitar case and Justin released it into his care. The last months had changed Clark from the laughing, carefree, young man Justin had worked with over the summer. Whatever he'd been dealing with had sobered him. He moved, unsmiling, out of the way so Justin could come in.
"You can put the beer in the fridge. Just don't forget it when you leave." Clark grabbed a bag of chips off the counter and left Justin in the kitchen.
Justin watched him prop the case against the loveseat and settle into a chair picking up his guitar from where it leaned against the arm. He strummed it quietly, his back to Justin. Shaking the fall of blond hair out of his eyes, Justin sighed and turned to put the beer on the shelf Clark kept clear for it. Under normal circumstances, Clark didn't drink, citing his underage status. Something that amused Justin, considering he'd started drinking at fifteen and never looked back. With the knowledge of his planned intervention haunting him, Justin pulled four beers out of the box instead of the usual two, and with a couple in each hand, he bumped the door shut with his hip.
Justin set three of the cans on the huge square coffee table that dominated the middle of the floor. The scarred, solid, piece of furniture stood within reach of anyone sitting either loveseat or chair. Justin took his customary spot on the end of the loveseat closest to where Clark sat. Clark glanced at the number of beers without comment, but he set his guitar aside and snagged one of the condensation-covered cans. He opened it with practiced ease but the face he made with the first sip forced Justin to bite back a laugh. Clark slumped back in his chair, legs outstretched, and his beer hanging loosely from his fingers over the edge of the arm.
"You're more pitiful than the last time I came by. What happened, someone die?" Justin winced as the words left his mouth.
A joke like that would be a poor start for his plans to help if someone had died.
"No." Clark took another drink but didn't add anything else.
It didn't surprise Justin his first attempt at a deeper friendship felt like trying to pull teeth. Straight guys never wanted to talk about their feelings. He ignored the fact he normally took great care to keep himself out of situations that involved talking about emotions, not just his, but anyone's. "Well, if no one died, what happened?"
Sighing, Clark sat up bracing his forearms on his thighs holding his beer with both hands hanging between his knees. "I had a fight with Alex."
Prepared for a tale of girlfriend woes Clark's words caught Justin off guard. "You mean a fight-fight?"
Clark took a drink and ran his hand through short-cropped hair, ending the motion with a familiar neck rub. "No, though it was a close thing. I wanted to hit him pretty bad."
Taking a long drink on his beer gave Justin time to gather his thoughts. "Hit Alex? Really? What'd he do?"
"He didn't do anything."
"He didn't do anything but you wanted to hit him. A little extreme, don't you think?" Justin set aside his beer and flipped open the clasps on his guitar case, unsure if they were getting anywhere.
"He's happy." Clark put down his empty can and grabbed another.
Justin frowned. Maybe the beer hadn't been such a good idea. Clark didn't seem to make much sense, or maybe Justin's inexperience with anything up close and personal made the clipped sentences seem vaguer than they really were. His vision of asking a few caring questions and Clark spilling his guts were fading fast.
Against his nature, Justin continued to pry. "That's a pretty weird reason to hit a guy." He cradled his guitar for comfort, fingers petting the glossy smooth-as-silk wood.
"Yeah, well it's not just that, but he's got Jared and sometimes he expects everyone else to just walk into the same thing. Things with Stevie are not working out. I told Alex I'm thinking about taking you up on your offer." Clark discarded his empty second can of beer and grabbed the last one.
Justin started to protest, his twenty-eight-year-old conscience kicking in at the sight of Clark guzzling so much beer. Clark glowered and Justin kept his mouth closed. If Clark didn't leave the apartment, it didn't matter how much he drank. Justin still felt uneasy. A beer or two didn't seem like a big deal, but before long Clark would be rebounding off the walls when he tried to walk. If he could get out of his chair at all. Getting falling down drunk never solved anything, but Justin knew first hand that it sometimes helped to dull the problems for a little while.
"I didn't offer you the job so you could run and hide." He didn't try to disguise the fact Clark's words bothered him.
Justin had seen Clark face down the biggest guys on a site, some outweighing him by a hundred pounds or more. Clark met life head on, he didn't run and hide.
Clark looked up, appearing surprised by Justin's words. "Who's hiding?"
"What do
you call it? You have plenty of unfinished business right here. If you don't see it through it's going to come back to haunt you." Justin hadn't shut himself off from serious relationships for no reason.
Betrayal by a lover and best friend changed a guy. Instead of facing the situation, Justin left for college and never looked back, or so he told himself. Sometimes he still wondered how things would have been different if he'd confronted them. The situations differed, but Justin knew Clark and he'd never find peace of he didn't see his problems with Stevie through to the end, for good or bad.
"She doesn't want me. I don't know what everyone expects me to do. It's like she's hiding behind this wall and I have no idea how to take it down." Reaching for his guitar, Clark met Justin's eyes for the first time
The stark pain in them made Justin want to put aside his instrument in favor of taking Clark in his arms. Not going to happen. Justin pushed his wayward feelings for Clark into a dark corner of his heart. Clark made his heart ache with the impossibility of everything he felt. Love had a way of screwing with a guy, and for the first time in years, he put someone's needs ahead of his own.
"Maybe your job isn't to take down the wall. Could be all you're supposed to do is be there when she's ready to take it down herself."
Clark frowned. "I need to help her." His fingers tightened on the strings over the frets until his knuckles turned white.
Justin knocked back the rest of his lukewarm beer and crushed the can. He tossed it back onto the table. "Look, I don't know fuck about it. Never been in love." The lie came easily despite the fact he knew Clark had guessed his feelings weeks earlier. "I never want to be seeing how it fries a guy's brain. Still, I've got eyes, and it looks to me like most of the time people are selfish. Love is supposed to change that. It's about the other person and what they need." Justin watched Clark's expression change, the emerging hope and determination a knife to his heart, but Justin didn't back down. "If you really love her."