The Climb

by Damien Benoit-Ledoux

  Even though their voices became loud at times, they did their best to keep the issue out of earshot from Vicky. Skyler respected this wish because he loved Vicky and agreed she was too young to know all the details right now. Grace and Noah, however, silently sat at the top of the stairs and listened to every word uttered from the kitchen. Despite their strict religious upbringing, somehow they understood it was okay for Skyler to be gay.

  He wiped tears from his eyes as his mind shifted to thoughts about his mom, whom he really missed. Skyler’s mom did her best as a single parent to raise him in a stable home for the first ten years of his life. But then, the tables turned and Skyler cared for her during her last year of life.

  * * *

  Skyler’s parents weren’t together for very long after she had found out she was pregnant. Julie had avoided talking about his father for as long as possible, but she was eventually forced to share the truth with Skyler.

  Although he never knew his father, Skyler harbored an intense resentment against him. Maybe it was because he disappeared after he found out he’d knocked up his girlfriend who, despite pressure, refused to have an abortion. Maybe it was because his other friends had their fathers, and he didn’t. Or maybe, it was supposed to be that way.

  But what wasn’t supposed to be was the metastasized cancer that violently ravaged Julie’s body when Skyler was ten years old. Knowing her days were numbered, she tried to impart Skyler with as much love, affirmation, and worldly advice as possible. Living with a dying mother taught Skyler a thing or two about survival. The last year of Julie’s life was incredibly difficult for them, and Skyler matured fast. He endured things a ten-year-old shouldn’t have to. He cared for his mother, took over the household chores, and did most of the cooking—all while sacrificing opportunities to join sports teams or other groups at school.

  Skyler suspected his mother knew about his sacrifices. He could tell it broke her heart to watch him care for her; to watch her little lion man—her affectionate nickname for him—grow up too fast. She did everything she could to summon strength from deep within that only a mother could muster and fathom—and showed no fear. She encouraged him any way she could and built him up, knowing some tough years were on his horizon. She taught Skyler that although death would separate them, it would not be the end of their relationship because she would always be with him in his heart. And then, Julie died. At ten and a half years old, with no other family around to care for him, Skyler became a ward of the state.

  * * *

  He shifted gears as he crested the top of a hill and pedaled as hard as he could, screaming at the oncoming air as it whistled through his helmet. Skyler and Cam had never expected to be caught or outed, and they hadn’t prepared a contingency plan in case it happened. And now, the worst had happened.

  Gay.

  Boyfriends.

  Caught.

  Perverts.

  Deviants.

  Sinners.

  It didn’t matter what word anyone used, they all meant the same word to Skyler now: mistake. There was no going back, and there was nothing he could do to relieve himself of the agony he had to deal with except cycle, run, or lift weights at the school gym after classes.

  A few days after the initial blow up, he had cycled past the Mosher’s home in an act of defiance. He didn’t see anyone outside, but he did notice the shiny new red and white For Sale sign in the front yard. The sight of it pissed him off even more and he pedaled out his rage as best he could.

  As they approached final exams, Cameron obeyed his parent’s instructions and completely ignored Skyler at school. He acted as if they had never met and were complete strangers who happened to attend the same school. Their mutual friends had begun wondering what had happened, and why the two were suddenly no longer acting like friends. Every time someone inquired about what was going on, it only irritated the festering hurt and anger he carried around in his heart.

  Skyler coasted down the hill and turned on to a long, quiet road. He liked this road because it wasn’t full of traffic and its boring scenery let him think. His mind wandered over to thoughts about his first foster family.

  Every time I get something good, it falls apart. Or at least that’s what it feels like. I’m finally found my place in life, but here I go again, just like before, when I had to leave home because mom died, and then again when I had to leave the McMahon’s. All my friends wondered what was going on, but they didn’t understand. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the McMahon’s. At least there, I knew what to expect, mostly. They weren’t that bad, were they? Would I have turned out okay there?

  * * *

  As Murphy’s Law would dictate, when life dealt you a shitty hand, it immediately did it again. The McMahons were a completely different mess from the Tinsdale’s homophobic disaster.

  Allowing Sean and Patricia McMahon to be foster parents turned out to be a terrible error in judgment by the foster care system. This failure at adequate screening turned into a nightmare of verbal and physical abuse for Skyler, who suffered for six agonizing months until the agency finally realized the McMahon’s dirty secret: Sean was a violent alcoholic.

  Nearly every day, a perpetually drunk Sean McMahon subjected Skyler to a verbal barrage of biting insults and cutting put downs. He believed it was his duty to teach Skyler to toughen up and grieve like a man, not like a girl, and not as a sissy boy. Sean forbade tears and crying because those things were for losers and pussies. He declared this whenever Skyler seemed emotional about his mom’s death. Although Sean hadn’t hit him hard, Skyler always thought it remained a possibility because he had seen him hit Patty very hard, beyond the point of bruising.

  Skyler had figured out something was wrong shortly after he moved in. Sean was awkwardly nice the first few days, but on the fourth day, after sucking down a six pack of beer after work, things changed for the worse and his true nature revealed itself. Skyler had been alone in his room, grieving the loss of his mom. When Sean walked past his bedroom door and saw the tears in his eyes, he let loose a volley of insults and called him a pathetic pussy face who would never make it in the real world. When Patty asked Sean not to call him names, he hit her and told her to shut the fuck up. Skyler remained silent, not wanting to be Sean’s next target.

  It didn’t take long for Skyler to learn the family’s abnormal patterns. The McMahon’s biological children, Braden and Bridget, silently showed Skyler what was expected. He learned to mimic their behavior to survive and avoid Sean’s drunken wrath. Thankfully, they didn’t see much of Sean in the mornings before school. After school, Skyler and the kids enjoyed an afternoon of play before diving into homework. Skyler learned that play time automatically ended the moment the children detected their father’s arrival. There were tells he instantly picked up on; subtle signs and hints that were so habitual and familiar that they were unknown and unrealized by the McMahons themselves.

  It all started with the electric garage door opener. Sean would trigger it remotely from his car as he pulled into the driveway. This set a frenzy of activity into motion. First, Patty would quickly fix her hair and then set out a cold beer and a frosty mug on the edge of the counter, placing the bottle opener next to it. It was meticulous and deliberate, with nothing happenstance about it.

  When the kids heard the garage door opener and saw their mother fixing her hair up in that one, specific way, they abruptly stopped their playtime activities and surveyed the living room for scattered toys and quickly tidied up, leaving out one toy each for them to play with, quietly, on the couch. What was once an atmosphere of joyful play became soured with the enabling cycle of alcoholism, although at the time Skyler didn’t understand the pathology driving the family.

  As Skyler became a member of the McMahon family, Sean resumed his nightly beer binging and the levels of anger, yelling, and crying increased in the house. Though each day was slightly different, the younger kids would be prepared and sent to bed thirty minutes before Skyler. However, the pri
vilege of staying up later with Sean (as Patty often put Braden and Bridget to bed) lost its appeal quickly.

  Sean expected Skyler to read quietly as he watched television. Sometimes, Sean would opine about what was wrong about the television show, life in general, or Skyler. There was nothing off limits to Sean’s drunken scrutiny. Skyler learned to listen and not talk because Sean didn’t take kindly to having his pontifications interrupted.

  Somewhere in the middle of this, Patty would descend from the upstairs and look at Skyler, her face asking, “Ready, kiddo?” She never had to ask out loud. Only a few times did Sean drunkenly challenge his wife’s unspoken bedtime mission with something like, “I’m not done with him yet.” She would patiently wait, not moving from her spot, as Sean droned on until his topic ground to a halt, usually with a belch. That was Skyler’s signal to get ready for bed. Most of the time he heard them fighting afterward, but sometimes he didn’t.

  The foster care agency responsible for Skyler acted quickly when the school’s guidance counselor reported the strong possibility of domestic abuse after speaking with Skyler at school one week…something about a violent fight on Saturday afternoon that left Patty and Sean seriously hurt. The school had been forwarded a notification from a McMahon family friend, Officer Daniels. The next day, the State immediately conducted a formal investigation and Patty couldn’t keep her silence any longer. She admitted her husband was an abusive man and that Skyler should be moved to a new home. Once the agency reached a verdict about the McMahon family situation, they moved quickly to extricate him from their custody. Skyler found out later, while living with the Tinsdales, that the McMahons had also lost custody of their biological children one week later.

  Armed with a small team of social workers and movers, Katie showed up at 9:00 a.m. to pack his belongings and ensure a safe transition out of the house. Skyler remembered how Patty was on the verge of tears the entire time, but he didn’t grasp why until a few years later. Though he liked Patty, he was relieved to be leaving their crazy home.

  “I’ll write you, Skyler,” she said as tears streamed down her face in their final hug goodbye. “I hope you know I loved you as my own. I’m so sorry things turned out the way they did.” She gave him a kiss on the forehead and one final squeeze before releasing him into Katie’s waiting hand. Katie and the team walked away from the front door and never looked back. Sean was nowhere to be found that morning.

  * * *

  No way. I’d have never made it there. There’s no way I could have taken any more of Sean’s abuse. At my age now, I would have stood up to him, partly because I’m taller and stronger now, but mainly because I haven’t lived with that kind of abuse for five years. But if I had stayed, I’d be as fearful as Braden and Bridget were. I hope those two are okay.

  Ugh, I need to stop dwelling on the past. I don’t know what the next few days will bring, but I hope Rebecca calms down. This is absolutely ridiculous.

  Skyler eventually pedaled home and prepared himself for another fight, but nothing happened that night. Rebecca was out and Stephen opted to watch a movie with Vicky. After a brief greeting, Skyler headed upstairs to do his homework and study for finals.

  He enjoyed the brief reprieve from Rebecca’s sermonizing, but on Monday after dinner, Rebecca was hot on his case with a newfound zeal for righteousness.

  5 | Work With What The Lord Provides

  “YOU SHALL NOT LIE WITH a man as with a woman; it is an abomination to the Lord your God!” Rebecca exclaimed with exasperation. She clapped her right hand in her left on each word of the latter phrase for emphasis.

  “Leviticus 18:22,” Skyler barked back. “And he’s your God, not mine.”

  “Don’t you use that tone of voice with me, young man.” Her pointing finger was aimed directly at his eyes.

  “Why the hell not?” I’m so sick of these fights. On and on they go with no end in sight. What the hell is the point?

  “And do not curse in this house!”

  “Whatever, I’ve got nothing to lose. My secret’s out.”

  “Don’t be so sure about that, Skyler.” What the heck does she mean?

  “Rebecca!” Stephen said. He put his hands up, gesturing for her to ease up.

  “No, Stephen, he is not allowed to talk to us this way.” She pointed an angry finger at him and drew a line through the air with it. “None of the children are!”

  “Be patient with our son. This is a pretty big deal. Our lives are very different now.”

  "Absolutely not, Stephen. Absolutely not."

  Skyler, Rebecca, and Stephen argued once more about what came next for Skyler. The smell of fried pork chops from dinner lingered in the air. The clock over the refrigerator indicated they had been fighting for at least thirty minutes this evening. The younger children had already been put to bed, so they were spared the agony she saw fit to torture Skyler with, unless Grace and Noah were secretly listening at the top of the stairs.

  He couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t get over the fact that he was gay. Almost every night since Skyler and Cam’s relationship had been exposed, Rebecca preached at Skyler. She relentlessly threw the Bible at him chapter and verse, condemning him and his lifestyle if he wouldn’t accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior. Stephen jumped in occasionally and tried to moderate the conversation, but ultimately he always backed off. Skyler suspected he had become increasingly irritated with his wife’s incessant sermonizing. Each night after he had gone to bed, Skyler heard them arguing well into the night. It reminded him of when Patti and Sean McMahon would fight after Patti had tucked him into bed. The smooth machine of the Tinsdale’s house had been disrupted and turned upside down simply because he was gay.

  Tonight, Rebecca stood at the head of the kitchen table, once again using a chair as her pulpit. Stephen leaned his backside against the countertop. His palms rested on the counter and his fingers gripped the edge tightly. Skyler sat in one of the chairs between them, and his left knee bounced in anger and extreme frustration.

  “Our son. Harrumph.” She paused and turned toward her husband.

  Skyler furled his eyebrow. What does she mean?

  “Don’t you lecture me about how this is not a big deal, Stephen.” Rebecca glared at him, stamped her foot, and then pointed upwards, punctuating each word with a jab toward the heavens. “This is about the Kingdom of God here on earth. This is about the Lord blessing our home with grace and holiness. I am fully aware of how horrible this perverseness is in the eyes of our Lord Jesus Christ! Homosexuals are nothing less than perverts and Satan worshippers!”

  Great, so because I’m gay, that makes me a pervert? How the heck did Satan come into the picture?

  “I do not worship Satan,” Skyler cried out.

  Stephen closed his eyes and rubbed his temples with his hands. “Rebecca, that’s not what I meant. Our son does not worship the Devil just because he is gay.”

  “You like your steaks cooked rare, right?” Skyler interjected.

  “What?” Rebecca asked, glaring at him with confusion in her eyes. “Yes?”

  “Leviticus 19:26—do not eat any meat with the blood still in it. You break that rule every time we have steak and you don’t care. I don’t see anybody yelling at you for it.”

  “Of course not,” Rebecca said indignantly. “That’s not the same thing at all.”

  “Uh-huh, sure,” Skyler spat back. “Leviticus, the same book you’re quoting from also says you can’t eat shellfish, but you love shrimp and lobster. You’re also not supposed to put your gardening shit together, and you can’t mix your clothing fabrics. If being gay is wrong because Leviticus says so, then wouldn’t these other things be just as evil and horrible as being gay? How come we don’t obey the laws about shellfish, fabrics, and gardening? All that crap is in the Bible, too! If not, then why not? Why do you Christians get to pick and choose what parts of the Bible you want to follow?”

  Rebecca’s eyes squinted briefly. She gripped the back of the chair fi
rmly, her ring clacking on the wood. “Firstly, because it’s not crap, Skyler. It’s the Holy Word of God, and it would benefit you greatly to remember that. And secondly, because those sinful things applied only to the Jews at the time. Eating shellfish, rabbit, and pork were things that represented unholiness and impurity before the Lord.” Rebecca said.

  “Oh really,” Skyler said, letting his voice drip with sarcasm. “Impurity before the Lord. Do you even hear yourself when you talk? So, those things applied only to the Jews at the time, but now only some of the things apply to everyone? Why is your Christianity like a cafeteria menu to you?”

  “Skyler Phoenix! Do not speak to me that way!” He knew that she hated it when he referred to them as Christians and excluded himself. It was a direct affront to her efforts to Christianize him over the past five years.

  Skyler stood and gestured with his hands and walked slowly in a circle, pretending to order off a menu as he spoke. “Today I’d like to order some righteousness and purity so I can feel better than everyone else as they walk around sinning and condemning themselves to hell for all eternity. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll try an extra dose of holiness on my superficial yet cutting judgments so I don’t seem like an asshole before the Lord my God or his people.”

  “Skyler!” Rebecca yelled.

  He stood beside the chair he was sitting it. He swallowed hard and decided to let her have it. “You don’t get it, do you. You’re so wrapped up in it, you can’t even see how blind you are.” He counted off with the fingers on his right hand. “One, let’s sell Victoria, your youngest daughter, into slavery as a servant as made completely legitimate by Exodus 21:7. Oh wait, maybe these days there are a couple of things actually wrong with that picture. So how about this, then? Two, Stephen, you’ve worked on the Sabbath. That’s a no-no. Exodus 35:2 says you should be put to death. Should I kill you myself, tell the pastor, or just call the police and have them take care of it for me? Does that not work today either? Hmmmm, okay, so what about when we play football? We’re touching the skin of a dead pig, even though it’s really a synthetic rubber these days. Would Leviticus 11:8 say that makes us unclean? I can’t even remember what the remedy is for that one. We’ll probably have to sacrifice a goat and that will get the animal rights people all upset. So, maybe today that one doesn’t work either. Gee, is there anything in the Bible that’s relevant to today?”