The Climb

by Damien Benoit-Ledoux

  Skyler’s eyes widened with surprise. What happened to you? We are…were…special together. We were boyfriends.

  “Cam, we were…”

  “Let me finish please,” Cam interrupted, putting his hand up and signaling stop. “I can only hope you can find Jesus in your heart and accept his forgiveness for what we did. My parents have already found a church where we’re going to live, and I’m going to do more counseling and start some therapy there. I know God wants me to love purely, and right now I’m not able to do that. Maybe one day in the future, we can be friends again, but only when we can love each other as holy men of God.”

  “Holy men of God?” Skyler echoed sarcastically. “You mean become straight or something?” I can’t believe you think that is possible.

  “Exactly, Sky.” Cam smiled nervously. “You seem angry. I’m sorry if you’re angry at me for saying this, but when you accept Jesus into your heart, you’ll understand what he can do for you. That’s where you’ll find peace.”

  Are you kidding me? Is this some ass-backward joke? Are you for real right now? Skyler looked down at his books, then back up at Cam. “You can’t change who you are. Everybody knows that. I don’t care what they say.”

  “Yes, Sky, I can, with the power of God in my life.”

  Skyler sat back and shook his head. He folded his arms across his chest. “Last week, they tried to put me through this prayer therapy you’re so hyped up on. It didn’t work. It doesn’t work. The frigging junior pastor, Levi, is gay, too.”

  “Sky, even he can find healing in Christ. I’m sorry that didn’t work out for you yet. I hope you can find the courage to try again.”

  Bullshit. You don’t really think that, do you? Skyler blinked as a few tears streamed down his cheeks. He wiped his eyes. Cameron seemed to be comfortable—even convinced—that the love they shared was a sham, but Skyler refused to accept that. Cam had just ripped open the wounds in Skyler’s heart that had barely scabbed over. He felt the hurt and anger churn in his stomach once more.

  “Try again? Are you kidding me? I’m done. I’m out. My fate is sealed. I can’t believe you are falling for their brainwashing bullshit. You’re too smart for this, what the hell is wrong with you?”

  “We’re in a bad place, Skyler.”

  “No, we are not and we were not. Well, we are now, but we weren’t then.”

  “Yes, we are. We were sinful, Skyler. I'm glad you have the Tinsdales to guide you…”

  Skyler leaned forward and pounded a fist on the table, cutting him off. “I don't have the Tinsdales anymore. I told you, I’m out. They're shipping me out. I’m an orphan, Cam. I’m a foster kid. Nobody cares about me, and apparently, nobody loves me. I thought you did, though. So now I have to go somewhere else, except I don't get to go with my family. I'm moving, gone, changing high schools, just like you, just because I'm gay, you’re gay, and we were boyfriends. You’re the one who told me nothing could tear us apart, and now look at us…at you.” Skyler spoke the last two words with biting anger.

  Cam blinked at him with surprise. “They're shipping you out? I didn’t know that. I’m sorry.”

  “Of course you didn’t know. Apparently, your family thinks it’s completely normal to cut people out of their lives. Our families went from being great friends to nothing overnight. Who does that? The only way I knew for sure you were leaving is because I saw the For Sale sign outside your house. Why is it no one can see how stupid this is except me? So really, your family is shipping you out as well, but at least they’re going with you to friggin’ Ohio. I'll have to start over because of this. And I don't care what you think you can do, Cam. You are gay and you always will be. God made you this way, and it is good.” Skyler could taste the seething anger on his tongue as the index finger of his right hand softly pounded the table to emphasize his points. Cam blinked a few times.

  “Do you know what Pastor Bob did this Sunday at church, Cam? He announced at the pulpit during an exceptionally long sermon against the evils of homosexuality that everybody needed to pray harder this week because one of their own members was a sinning, unrepentant sodomite pervert who needed to be compelled to accept the power of Christ to slay him with the conviction of his sinfulness in the righteousness of the blood of Christ. He glared right at me the entire time and pounded the pulpit repeatedly. Everyone could follow his gaze right to me. The only thing he didn’t do was call me up there and publicly shame me. And on top of that, because of this ignorance and stupidity, I'm going to fail all my finals because Rebecca kept sending me to Pastor Happy-Gay-Hater-Face who thought he could cure me of my homosexual demons. But guess what? He can't cure me because I'm not broken, and I’m not possessed, and neither are you, and neither is he, even if he or you want to deny it.”

  The sound of someone knocking on a desk caught their attention. “Gentlemen, keep your voices down, please,” Mrs. McGillicutty said.

  Skyler waved at her and nodded. So how long have you been eavesdropping? Whatever. I don’t care at this point.

  Skyler looked back at Cam and noticed he was smiling. He lowered his voice. “There's nothing wrong with being gay, Cam, not one thing. What are you smiling at?”

  “Our pastors must have talked, because mine did a similar sermon, but he actually called me up to the sanctuary. I had to make a confession in front of the whole church. He had the whole congregation pray over me. Yeah, it was terrifying and embarrassing but it was so wonderful to find freedom in the name of Jesus. I wish you would let Jesus…”

  “Oh, for Christ’s sake. Just go, Cam. Get out of here.” You have got to be kidding me. You think that is okay?

  Cam stopped talking and nodded. He pulled himself up and paused before leaving. Skyler looked at him. Cam had tears running down his face. “Goodbye, Skyler.”

  Skyler couldn’t hold back his own tears. “Goodbye, Cam. I love you. Always will.” Cameron smiled at Skyler awkwardly. Skyler cried softly and watched his best friend and boyfriend walk out of the library and out of his life. He felt his heart tear in to pieces as bile rose in his throat, but he managed to keep it down. Only his tears betrayed his hurt to the curious students around him.

  What the hell happened to Cam? It looks like him, but someone else took over his brain. The things Cam said to me—they’re way too similar to the bullshit Pastor Bob and Levi said to me. Wow, he must believe it. I can’t see how, but he must.

  Skyler reluctantly accepted that Cameron’s pastor had successfully brainwashed him as tears ran down his cheeks.

  “Fuck!”

  Mrs. McGillicutty looked up from her desk again, and students regarded him with shock. “Young man,” she said, perturbed.

  He clapped his hand over his mouth. “I’m so sorry,” Skyler said in a harried voice. “I didn’t mean it. I’m so sorry.”

  The librarian paused and waved her finger at him. The finger communicated that Skyler should not do that again. Then she smiled and pushed the box of Kleenex on her desk toward him. Skyler nodded and stood up. He walked over, took some Kleenex, and said, “Thanks.”

  She leaned forward and peered at him over the glasses that sat low on her nose. “Finals are stressful. So are breakups. But neither give you the right to personal outbursts and f-bombs in the library, understood?”

  Skyler nodded and chuckled. “Yes, ma’am. And thanks.”

  “Very well. Good luck with your last final. Also, your ex-boyfriend is cute, but gravely misled. That’s too bad. I will miss you next year, Skyler.”

  So she had been listening. Wait, you said ex-boyfriend? And you don’t care? This is Cornerstone Christian Academy!

  “You knew?”

  “I suspected, but I didn’t know for sure, until now. A lover’s quarrel is a lover’s quarrel—I don’t care what genders make up the relationship.”

  “You won’t tell anyone?”

  “Doesn’t seem like it matters at this point, right?”

  Ouch. “True.”

  “But if it helps,
I would not have told anyone. Not all of us here are as old as some of these books.” She gestured to the books that surrounded them. Then she tilted her head toward his table. “Guilt and shame are powerful forces—don’t underestimate them. Learn to rise above them and you will do fine. And while you probably won’t spend your life with Cam, I hope and pray you find a good man to share your life with. Good luck, Skyler.”

  Wow.

  He smiled at her and headed back to his table. She was merciful that day, and he escaped detention on the last day of school. Before he could sit down, the bell rang.

  Crap. Well, here goes nothing.

  He packed up his belongings and headed into his last final.

  * * *

  Summer heat set in after final exams and baked the New England states in welcomed warmth after a brutally cold and snowy winter. The final days of Skyler’s last week at the Tinsdale’s home were filled with laundry, packing, and other preparations so Skyler would be ready to move out.

  Life during the week after final exams was mildly tense until Katie notified them that a new family had been selected for Skyler to live with—Dale and Liara Kelley, who happened to have a son who was Skyler’s age. They lived in a completely different state, somewhere west of Massachusetts in a town called Kinderhook, a suburb of Albany, New York.

  Once Katie made the announcement of Skyler’s impending move official, the family dynamics immediately changed. Rebecca became cheery and nauseatingly nice to Skyler. Stephen, although he tried to hide it, withdrew from his wife. Grace and Noah became gloomy, and Vicky pushed through the dysfunction with her positive outlook.

  While Skyler was relieved by the news of his next foster home, the Tinsdale home felt like a funeral parlor. It felt like someone had died, except there was no body or cremations to grieve over. He was the body, and no one knew how to process his impending departure.

  Skyler and the Tinsdales didn’t say much as he packed because they didn’t know what to say. They had already tried returning to normal routines, like celebrating Noah’s soccer goals with celebratory ice cream, but as Skyler’s last day approached, the dysfunction eroded into a depressing state of awkwardness.

  His last Thursday and Friday with the Tinsdales were busy days as Skyler, with a heavy heart, finished packing up his belongings. Noah helped him by diligently packing up his DVD collection. They packed and stacked the big things, like his bicycles, in the garage. Only a few boxes remained open in his bedroom. They would be squeezed into the back of Katie’s SUV.

  “This sucks,” Noah said, breaking their silence.

  “Promise me you’ll still be awesome at soccer. Score a shit-ton of goals and do your thing. I’ll be happy if I know you’re happy.”

  “How will I know if you’re happy?” Noah asked, placing some DVDs into a box.

  Skyler paused. “When you can, and when your mom lets you, find me on Facebook. That’s how you’ll know, I guess. Or text me, if your mom lets you.” Skyler had stopped referring to Rebecca as his mother. Noah winced when he said your mom, but Skyler couldn’t avoid it. He was too angry at her.

  “SkySky?” Vicky asked, standing in his doorway with a large piece of paper and markers in her hand.

  “Hi love,” Skyler said. “Come on in.”

  Something’s not right. He looked at Noah, who shrugged his shoulders. Vicky walked over to Skyler’s bed and set the paper down, carefully unfolding it. She looked at Skyler and handed him a marker.

  She pointed at a map she had drawn on the paper. Specifically, she pointed at a blue house she had drawn on it. “This is where we live, right?”

  Skyler looked at the map and checked the streets. “Yes, that’s correct, Vicky. This is where we live.” The words cut through him like a knife, but he held it together for her.

  She moved her hand in a childlike circle in the air above the map. “I want you to draw a picture of your new house so I can come visit you after you’re gone.” Tears formed in her eyes.

  Oh crap, she gets it.

  Noah choked and put his face in his hands as he silently cried. Skyler’s eyes watered.

  “Well, love,” Skyler said, searching for the right words to say. “I’m not sure this map is big enough. I’m moving to another state.”

  “Oh. Draw it on here, please?”

  Skyler could tell she didn’t understand what he meant. “But…” he said, recovering the sad moment. He picked up the map and oriented it so he could figure out which way was west. “If you go this way,” he dragged his finger toward the left on the map, “and go west, I’ll be living in Kinderhook, New York.”

  “Kin-der-hook, New York,” she echoed. “Can you write it down?”

  “Sure,” Skyler said. He drew an arrow that pointed to the west and wrote Kinderhook, New York near it. “That’s where I’ll be. Maybe Noah can show you on Google Maps later.”

  Noah nodded but didn’t pull his face from his hands. Instead, his shoulders shook. Skyler felt his pain, and Vicky must have, too. She walked over to him and wrapped his arms around him. Noah leaned into her and they cried. Skyler stepped toward them and sat next to Noah. He wrapped his arms around both of them and they cried together.

  God, this sucks. Why do you do this to the ones you claim to love?

  “Don’t you cry without me,” Grace said from the hallway. She ran over to them and sat next to Vicky and wrapped her arms around them. They held each other in sadness, their sorrow made known through the shuddering of their shoulders, the wetness on their faces, and the sounds of sniffling.

  The sound of Stephen’s footsteps in the hall broke through their tender moment. He gently knocked on the door. Skyler looked up at him and wiped his eyes. The others didn’t move as he rolled Skyler’s desk chair near to them.

  What the hell do you want?

  “Do you want us to go, daddy?” Grace asked, looking up at him.

  “No, I want you to stay. Grace, would you hold Vicky? This is going to be, uh, pretty deep and way over her head.”

  “Okay, Daddy,” Grace said, wiping her eyes.

  They took a moment to untangle themselves from the group hug. Grace pulled Vicky onto her lap and Noah leaned against Skyler, who put his arm around his younger brother.

  “Sky, I need to tell you something. I’m pretty sure you don’t want to hear anything from me or Rebecca at this point, but please, let me finish before you interrupt.”

  “Fine,” Skyler said. Not another sermon, not from you.

  “Skyler, all my life I have been a Christian man who feared God. I have never questioned the Word of God and I have always held it dear to my heart. However, I have come to realize that I failed to make the right choices as of late. Some choices we do because we must, while other choices give us the power to shape their outcome. Ultimately, I believe we are shaped by the choices we make regardless.” He held up the package and pulled out two DVDs. Skyler couldn’t see what they were yet.

  “You have enriched this family and you have changed my life for the better, and I regret what we have done to you. I know it is well beyond too late, and I cannot directly correct the injustice I have allowed to happen in my own home—what I have allowed to happen to you. After seeing this”—he held up two DVD copies of Prayers for Bobby—“and praying over it, I realized that we as a church can be so wrong about the love of God. His love is for everyone, including gay people and those we might find less desirable.”

  Didn’t I say something like that to Cam? Do you actually understand the gospels?

  “I am so sorry for how we reacted and treated you when the Cam thing blew up. We should have accepted him as your boyfriend, and helped you understand why it would be important not to be, uh”—he eyed Vicky for a moment—“involved with him until you were really ready, and a little older. I’m not sure if Cam’s parents would have been any more receptive or accepting, but we should have accepted you as gay, and understood that if…” He paused and then corrected himself.

  “No, wait—no
t if—rather we should have understood that because God loves you, so must we. Instead I, uh, we held to our misplaced convictions and tried to make you into something we wanted, something we thought God wanted. We were wrong. I was wrong, and so is my wife, even if she doesn’t know it yet. I am so sorry, Sky, and I am asking for your forgiveness. You don’t have to give it to me today. But someday, in your heart, please find a way to forgive us for this mess.”

  Stephen handed one of the DVDs to Skyler, who took it from him. “This is for you. It’s a copy of Prayers for Bobby, Sky. Keep it with you and watch it whenever you need it. This other copy is for us. I promise you that I will watch this with Rebecca, whether she wants to or not, and whether she likes it or not.”

  “Such a good movie,” Grace said.

  Skyler stared at his copy of the movie and picked at the shrink wrap with his index finger. Wow. I didn’t expect this.

  Stephen cleared his throat. “Well, I guess I’ll let you guys have some time together.” Skyler sensed the power of emotion welling behind Stephen’s words.

  “Steve, wait.” Skyler said. Noah sat upright so Skyler could stand. He walked over and wrapped his arms around Stephen and squeezed. “Thank you.”

  You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.

  Stephen wrapped his arms around Skyler and squeezed. “Oh God,” he said, succumbing to his emotions and tears. “I love you so much, Skyler. I’m so sorry I didn’t act on that love.” Then he let his emotions pour out of him as they cried together.

  “I love you, too,” Skyler managed to whisper. He felt several pairs of arms wrap around him.

  “We love you, too,” Grace said.

  “Me too,” Vicky said.

  Noah grunted.

  I love you guys more than you know. I’ll miss you so much.

  * * *

  Moving day finally arrived. That morning, Vicky insisted on pouring Skyler’s cereal for the last time. Skyler sat back and watched as she scrunched her face in concentration as she focused on not spilling any cereal on the counter. When she finished pouring them each a bowl, she waited and watched as Skyler poured the milk. As they quietly ate breakfast, Skyler noticed Vicki’s infamous joy had been replaced by an agonizing silence, an occasional sniffle, and the sound of crunching cereal. Skyler sighed and let the hurt they carried join them for breakfast.