* * *
“CK, Skyler, let’s talk.”
“Oh boy,” CK said, smiling at Skyler. Liara worked late that night, so the guys had the house to themselves.
“Sky,” Dale continued, “you’ve been here a few weeks now and mom, uh, Liara, thinks you might have a crush on Kalin.”
CK backed his chair up, signaling his imminent departure. Skyler looked at CK with pleading eyes. Please stay. You are not going to leave me alone with your dad for the sex talk!
As if Dale had read Skyler’s thoughts, Dale pointed at CK and said, “Son, please stay. I want you both to hear the same message. It’s not going to be different because your attractions are different.”
Yup. It’s time for the sex talk.
CK had warned him on day one this conversation would happen. He cleared his throat. “Well,” he began, “I’m not sure what I think about Kalin. I like him, but…”
“That’s fine, Sky,” Dale interrupted. “Whether you are interested in him or someone else, I want you to know the rules.”
“Oh,” Skyler said. It was the first time Dale or Liara officially mentioned the word rules to him.
“And the rules are simple.” He pointed an index finger at each boy. “We expect you to wait. Sex is a special part of life, and you need to be responsible about it. You should only share that piece of yourself with someone who is truly special and important in your life.”
“We are not going to tell you that you cannot have sex. We are not going to tell you that you will get in a lot of trouble or be grounded if you are caught. But we are going to tell you that sex can have consequences—serious ones, such as sexually transmitted diseases. We will do our best to speak with you about sex, its consequences, or anything and everything sexual as need be, no matter how awkward it seems or feels. Skyler, as I’ve told CK, and as I’m sure he knows, we are open and very comfortable about this aspect of human life. It is a wonderful and powerful bonding experience, and it should not be taken for granted. I know it is tempting to let it be so, but whoever you share your body with, please let it be a very, very smart decision.”
Dale’s demeanor changed and became more lighthearted. “But since I know this is not always the case when teenage hormones are running rampant, here.” He reached into a bag under his chair and pulled out two boxes of condoms. He handed one box of condoms to CK, and one to Skyler. Each took their box—Skyler a bit more awkwardly than CK. “Do not think this means everything I just said doesn’t matter. Liara knows we’re having this conversation, and this is probably your only chance to have it with”—he raised his hands and made air quotations with his fingers—“just us guys.”
Skyler giggled.
“Something amusing?” Dale asked with a smirk.
Worried he had offended him, Skyler raised his hands in surprise and defense. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
Dale raised a hand and lightly grasped Skyler’s. “It’s okay, son,” he said, calmly. “What’s so funny?” Skyler felt his nerves spin up as if someone turned on the highest setting on a blender.
“I, uh…” Skyler could feel his heart pounding.
“Relax,” CK said. “It’s all good here.”
Son.
The word echoed in his mind. Dale called me…son. He dropped his hands and looked at Dale with disbelief. Dale simply smiled back and nodded as if he was reading Skyler’s mind.
Son. He’s already calling me his son…
Skyler choked up a bit. He cleared his throat, determined not to give in to another sob fest. He shifted the subject in his mind back to Dale’s question.
“It’s just that, the Tinsdales would…never have…” he paused, his speech and thought processes united in nervous rambling. “Condoms. Given me condoms, let alone, encouraged me, or allowed me…” What’s the right word here? “Permitted me?” he asked himself, out loud. “To have a boyfriend, let alone anticipate I was going to have one eventually. Or even have sex with one, or have sex, period.” Skyler inhaled and exhaled with determination and forced himself to calm down.
CK smiled.
Dale shrugged. “It’s a reality, isn’t it? Unless you plan to remain celibate for the rest of your life.”
“Celibate?” Skyler asked. What the heck does that mean?
“It means not having sex, ever, like a priest or nun. Or a Buddhist monk.” CK interjected.
“Oh, hell no,” Skyler said quickly. Oh, that came out fast. He smiled awkwardly and looked at Dale, who smiled.
“I get it, Skyler. I understand. I was your age once. Remember, your choices have consequences. Make. Good. Choices,” he said, punctuating each word with a tap of his finger on the table.
“Wait,” Skyler said. “Back up a hot minute. You said son…to CK, and to me.” His mind looped back to this overwhelming thought.
Dale winced a little. “Too soon?” he asked.
Skyler paused before answering. “No, no, I haven’t, umm, I mean, no one’s called me that and meant it, uh, since my mom. Like I said, the McMahons, Rebecca, I was never their…son. I was just someone who lived with them.”
“Well, you’re part of this family now. Unless it’s particularly offensive to you, you’d better get used to it. And I don’t mean that arrogantly, and I’m not trying to upset you. Liara and I…”
“And me,” CK interjected.
Dale smiled. “And CK, too. Believe me when I say that you are part of this family now. So, that makes you our son.”
“And my brother!” CK exclaimed.
Particularly offensive? Oh no. Skyler’s eyes watered a bit and he smiled at Dale. He couldn’t say dad yet, but he didn’t think it mattered at the moment. Dale must have anticipated what Skyler was about to do because he pushed his chair back and stood up. Then he opened his arms as Skyler pushed his chair back and stood to accept Dale’s embrace. He felt CK wrap his right arms around them both.
“Group hug,” he whispered. They laughed a bit until it was time to let go.
I hope I never have to let go again.
* * *
Skyler sighed and rolled an acorn in his fingers. Liara was right. There was no way he could hide his infatuation with Kalin from her maternal instincts. Somehow, even though he hadn’t shared much with them, Liara and Dale knew his heart. Maybe he had shared enough with them, or maybe there was stuff written up about him in his file that told them all they needed to know. Whatever the case, the Kelleys provided the balanced support system he needed. But more importantly, he had begun to realize he could grow at the Kelley’s. Even though his mind understood these things, his heart was slow to catch up.
What the hell is wrong with me, then? Why do I still feel so awkward? Why can’t I relax and trust these people? I’m pretty sure I’m good to go with them. But how do I grow with them? I’m afraid to accept who I am because I’m no longer sure of who I am.
An entire orchestra performed an endless symphony of discordant thoughts in his heart and mind. Thoughts of not being good enough, a tattered reputation, shyness, and the sheer fear of rejection drummed through his soul. Skyler realized he feared rejection more than anything, even if sometimes it made no logical sense to him.
Kalin.
In the few times they had hung out, Skyler had felt his personal darkness fade away when he was around Kalin, who was so lighthearted and cheerful. He had a way of making all of Skyler’s anxieties, doubts, and fears disappear. This made Skyler happy and nervous at the same time, so he decided to keep his guard up with Kalin.
Don’t be dumb, Sky. Keep your guard up. There is no reason to trust him, and he disarms me way too easy. I need to be more careful around him. The only person looking out for me right now is me. The foster care system failed me twice. Even my…families…if that’s what they were, failed me. I’ve learned, from a young age, what I need to do to survive, and that’s what I need to do now. So fuck trust. Fuck heart. Fuck love. Besides, all this is too damn good. It’s only a matter of time before I’m
not good enough, or I hurt someone, or I royally screw up in some other way. Then they’ll reject and relocate me, again.
Skyler shuddered at the thought of rejection. “Fuck them all,” he yelled out loud, hot with anger. He shook his head and sat up. He brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. The sun was still shining brightly overhead. In front of him, the heat rose from the town and shimmered at the horizon line like a mirage. He inhaled and exhaled deeply, anger burning in his chest.
Calm down. No, wait, maybe that’s all this is, a mirage? Stop it, you’re being stupid. Give them a chance. Just don’t screw it up. Why does being a teenager have to be so difficult? No, wait, why does being a gay foster teenager have to be difficult?
Then he thought of CK’s words: “Your sexuality isn’t who you are. It’s a piece of you.” If that were true, then the Tinsdales wouldn’t have kicked me out. I’d still be there with them. But if you were still there, his mind jumped back at him with the voice of reason, you couldn’t experience the Kelley’s. And you need to. More than you think you do. You just can’t believe it.
He inhaled deeply again and exhaled slowly through his mouth. He didn’t know where the voice of reason came from, but he knew it was right. It gave him strength to ignore the dominant voices of doubt and fear that agonized his mind.
Skyler heard his cell phone vibrate in the back pocket of his cycling shirt. Half a second later, a familiar ring tone rang along with it. Skyler smiled when he recognized the ringtone. It was the one he had assigned to Kalin when they exchanged numbers a week or so ago at the pool. His phone continued to whir and sing as he fished it out of his shirt pocket. His heart thumped in his chest as a twitter-pated feeling overcame him.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Skyler! What’s up? Where are you?” Kalin asked.
Skyler thought for a moment. He wasn’t ready to give up his secret spot. “I’m outside, uh, taking a break from cycling.”
“Cool. Do you have plans now, or like, this afternoon? Like till four or five?”
“Uh, no, why?”
“Great! Can you be ready in 10 minutes? And can you swim?”
“No, I’m outside, but not at home. And yes, I can swim. Remember the pool?”
“Oh, right, sorry. I mean, I know you can swim, but can you really swim, like outside of a pool, in a lake. Well, I guess it won’t matter, you can wear a life jacket if you want.”
“For what?”
“You’re outside where?” Kalin asked.
“I’m out on my bike,” Skyler said. “Twenty, maybe thirty minutes away from the house, tops. Then I need to clean up. I’m all sweaty and gross.”
“Can you be ready in like, forty-five minutes?”
“Yeah, but for what?”
“Can you handle a surprise?”
“Um, I guess so.”
“Forty-five minutes.”
“Okay, sure. I’ll head home now.”
“Great, it’s a date,” Kalin said. “Well, sort of, you know…”
Skyler’s eyes widened and he laughed into the phone. “Okay. See you soon.” He could barely contain his excitement. “Forty-five minutes!” he said, pulling the phone away from his ear. He giggled as he packed his phone back into his bike shirt and pulled it on. He carefully walked his bike down the steep trail and mounted it when it was safer. His heart pounded from both physical exertion and excitement as he pedaled home as fast as he could.
16 | I Didn't Scare You Away
SKYLER HEARD THE DOORBELL RING as he styled his hair, his towel loosely wrapped around his hips. He heard CK, who was downstairs, answer the front door and greet Kalin. In about a minute, the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs reached his ears. A moment later, someone knocked on the bathroom door from his bedroom.
“Sky, Kalin is here,” CK said, “and he’s waiting for you,” he added, almost singing the words in a high-pitched voice.
Skyler’s stomach flip-flopped as he smiled at his reflection in the mirror. He felt nervous and excited because he really liked Kalin and wanted to spend more time with him. “Thanks, I’ll be right down, CK,” he yelled through the closed door. Then he took a deep breath.
No matter how hard he tried, he still felt unsure of himself and struggled to accept that the Kelleys would be okay with him dating someone. Although the Kelleys had made it completely clear they were okay with him dating, he wasn’t sure if he was ready yet. Things seemed to be moving fast with Kalin, but he didn’t want them to slow down. He didn’t know how to slow them down.
The newness of normal life and the freedom to be himself, coupled with the total acceptance of the Kelleys still overwhelmed him. He couldn’t tell if his feelings were right or wrong, or how he should feel about it at all. But he was sixteen, and no matter how much he tried to rationalize his way through his emotions, his raging hormones thwarted his best efforts whenever Kalin popped up.
And then there was Cam. His heart still ached with remorse at times—even though he knew he didn’t do anything wrong. Still, the Tinsdale’s reactions made him feel like he had done everything wrong. With Kalin now in the picture, his confused emotions toyed with his heartstrings constantly. Even after speaking with Dale, he didn’t know if he should remain true to his first love or move on and forget him completely. Sometimes he wondered if he should have said no to Cam and applied the brakes on day one, when they first started fooling around, but then he’d remind himself that it was bound to happen anyway. He figured Cam had moved on, or at least, it seemed Cam had completely shifted gears on the last day of finals when he told Skyler he was moving to Ohio.
Would Cam ever figure out how crazy his family was behaving and run away, or worse, hurt himself? But where would he run away to? If he ran away and tried to go back to his old house, to start looking for me, well, I’m no longer at the Tinsdale’s. Cam would probably avoid speaking with Rebecca, but, I can only guess what Cam might do, if that were to even happen. There’s always Facebook, but Cam hadn’t been allowed to have an account because his parents thought the Devil had infiltrated it.
Skyler shook his head. Cam’s church was much stricter than the Tinsdale’s church. If there was a place for brainwashing, it was Cam’s church.
Lost in his thoughts, he absentmindedly opened the bathroom door and stepped into his bedroom. He abruptly stopped when he saw Kalin standing behind CK.
“Oh hey, uh, hi there…” he stammered, awkwardly fumbling with the towel knot that kept his towel not-so-securely wrapped around his waist. CK smiled at him with a mischievous smile and Kalin grinned from ear to ear.
Ha ha, funny. He realized the two were in cahoots about surprising him. Skyler smiled awkwardly when he looked at Kalin. He was wearing blue swim trunks and a white tank top. His sunglasses rested up on the top of his head, and a gorgeous smile danced on his face as Kalin nodded at Skyler in greeting.
“Hey, Sky,” Kalin said.
“And that’s my cue! See ya, boys,” CK said, laughing as he left Skyler’s room and disappeared down the hallway. Skyler blinked and locked eyes with Kalin.
Say something.
“Uh, I don’t know how to dress,” Skyler said.
“Seriously?” Kalin said with humor in his voice. “Generally, I start with underwear, unless I’m feeling particularly frisky. On those days, I typically throw caution to the wind and go commando.”
Oh really?
Skyler blushed and smiled again. “Ha, that’s not what I meant.”
Kalin took a step forward. “I know it’s not, I’m teasing. You should wear a swimsuit and t-shirt or tank top. You’ll need sunscreen, too.”
“Got it.” Skyler said as he walked to his bureau and pulled out a swimsuit. “Be right back.”
“Okie dokie.”
Skyler stepped into the bathroom and almost screamed with alarm. CK stood in his bedroom-bathroom doorway, arms resting high up on the door frame, grinning from ear to ear. Skyler shut the door behind him, making sure it cl
icked. He dropped the towel and pulled on his swim trunks.
“CK!” he whispered, “You scared the shit out of me.”
“Sky, you’ve got a date!” CK whispered back, ignoring him. “I bet you’re gonna love it!”
“How do you know if I’ll love it or not?” Skyler whispered back. “And why do you think this is a date?”
“What else could it be? And because I saw his car and you haven’t yet,” he whispered, “Have a blast.” CK turned around and walked into his room, closing but not latching his side of the bathroom door.
Skyler hung his towel and looked around the bathroom closet for some sunscreen. He found and grabbed the sunscreen and then opened the door to his bedroom. A date, huh? Well, maybe I should wear a tank top today, and not a t-shirt. Why not look extra sexy, right?
Kalin was seated on the corner of his bed, playing with his phone. He clicked the screen off when Skyler walked out. Skyler felt his eyes scan him—maybe even undress him. He put his hands at his waist.
“Okay, so I’ve got my swim trunks and sunscreen. You’re sure a tank top will be enough?”
“Absolutely, it’s hot out. We’ll probably be shirtless, though.”
“Oh yeah?” That’s a sight I’ll never get sick of seeing.
“Yeah, it’ll be fun, trust me.”
Skyler smiled and then grabbed a tank top from his bureau. “My flip-flops are near the front door, will those do?”
“Yep, should be fine.”
After pulling on his tank top, he and Kalin headed down the stairs. Skyler slipped into his flip-flops. “All set,” he said.
Kalin smiled and grabbed his hand, tugging him toward the door. “Then, let’s go.”
The touch of Kalin’s hand sent a pulse of excitement up Skyler’s arm and through his body. Lost in his crush, he followed without hesitation or resistance. He wasn’t sure if he could resist anything Kalin suggested today. When they stepped outside, Skyler smiled as Kalin led him toward his car.
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