“Nah, stay. I trust you. Thanks, though.” Skyler waved his hand dismissively and finished applying sunscreen to his legs. Maybe CK is right. Maybe it’s time I stopped worrying about what other people think of me. Haven’t I already had enough of that in my life?
Skyler randomly remembered one of his favorite quotes from Star Trek: The Next Generation, spoken by Captain Picard: “If we're going to be damned, let's be damned for what we really are.” Well, I’m really gay, so I guess this doesn’t matter in the big picture. I can’t be the only gay kid in school. Duh, there’s Kalin and Tommy, so that’s at least three. And Daren. So, that’s four, maybe. There must be more.
He capped the bottle and laid back in the lounge chair. He cleared his throat and let his thoughts return to his afternoon with Kalin. “After this great day…well, this…absolutely amazing day…we get back to the house and he parks out front, and we’re about to, you know, kiss or make out.”
“Aww! Your first kiss with Kal!” CK’s face glowed with excitement.
“Nice, dude,” Cody said.
Skyler blushed at their enthusiasm. “Yeah, sort of. We leaned in to kiss, and then bang, I saw her. I saw Rebecca in the face of the Plant Lady.”
CK’s face contorted with confusion. “Who’s the Plant Lady?”
“Who’s Rebecca?” Cody asked.
Right, you don’t know any of that story. “Rebecca is the mom where I lived before moving in here. She uh, basically evicted me when she found out I was gay and had a boyfriend.”
“Whoa, dude!” Cody exclaimed, swinging his arms forward and sitting up. “I’m so sorry, that’s terrible.”
Skyler shrugged. “It’s over now. I’m picking up the pieces so I can move on, which is what this missed kiss is all about.”
“Gotcha.”
“I can fill you in later. But, anyway, the Plant Lady is the nickname I gave to the lady in the house that’s sort of diagonally across the street from here. I don’t know who she is.” Skyler pointed in the general direction of her house.
“Oh!” CK responded. “You must mean Mrs. Ingrid Hildegarde von Bingen.”
“Say what?”
Cody chuckled and mockingly groaned, “Ingrid.”
“In-grid Hil-de-garde von Bing-en,” CK said, punctuating her name. “She’s Dutch, I think. Very nice lady. She’s always playing in her gardens…which makes the Plant Lady the perfect name. What did she do to you?”
“Well, when I was about to kiss Kalin, I saw her out of the corner of my eye. She was standing there, glaring at me with her hands on her hips. That’s when I kinda flashed back and saw Rebecca in her face. That angry, shocked expression, like when she discovered I liked boys. It totally killed the mood for me.”
“Aw, that sucks, I’m sorry. You guys were really about to kiss though?” CK asked.
“Yeah, that’s what I said.”
“I know, I want you to hear that. You were or are struggling with accepting Kal into your life and you were about to kiss him. I want you to think about how good Kal makes you feel.”
“Ah. I see your point.”
“I hope so, Skyler. I’m not going to pretend to understand what you’ve gone through, or are going through, but…your past is your past. Learn from it. Don’t let it be the disruption of what could be your future.”
Skyler thought for a moment. “You mean Cam?”
“I wasn’t thinking about Cam. I meant Rebecca.”
“Ah, yeah. You’re right, I suppose.”
“Who’s Cam?” Cody asked.
“I guess you could call him my first boyfriend. But we got caught, and well, here I am,” Skyler answered.
Cody shook his head in disbelief. “Got it.”
CK piped up. “What Rebecca did to you was downright mean. I think you should realize, or accept eventually, is that she isn’t the definition of normal. She’s something else entirely, and yes, while there are other people who think like her, and there are those who are much worse than her, you can’t keep letting her shadow loom over your life.”
She isn’t the definition of normal. But life with the Tinsdales was normal to me for five years. “I don’t know how to do it. How to be out, have a boyfriend, and not fear rejection from someone. You know, it’s funny, you’d think the alcoholic family would be the one to ruin my life.”
CK shifted in his lounger. “How do you mean?”
Cody crossed his legs and leaned forward to listen.
“Well, think about it. I know now that alcoholism can lead to all kinds of abuse. But Sean McMahon never hit me that hard. I could have suffered from all kinds of verbal abuse, and while he was a total asshole, he could have been really abusive to me.”
Cody shook his head. “Never hit you that hard? Shit, man.”
CK pointed a finger at Skyler. “I disagree. He was the one telling you to act like a man all the time, and a bunch of other bullshit, I’m sure. I am not certain I would call that the most nurturing or respectable way to help a child grow up.”
“I guess so. I guess what I’m trying to say is the limited potential abuse doesn’t compare with the nastiness of the people who were cruel by rejecting me for being me, a gay kid.”
“Ah.” CK stared across the pool and took a deep breath. “No, you can’t trade one form of abuse for another.”
“You’re lucky you’re here now, man,” Cody said, intently regarding Skyler.
“And as an example of said damage, case-in-point, how I utterly refused to tell Kal anything about my past, even though he asked, and then me letting the Plant Lady interfere with our kiss,” Skyler said.
“Hold on,” CK interjected, hand raised again. “You don’t have to tell Kalin everything at once.”
“And you didn’t let her interfere,” Cody offered. “It just happened that way. It was a reaction. I bet it won’t happen again.”
“I know, believe me, I get all that at some level, but then on a completely different level, I’m terrified that if he learns about my baggage, that will change things in his mind.” Skyler stared into the yard and watched a squirrel run across the yard between two trees.
“Oh,” CK said, as a pair of crows cawed in the distance.
Cody frowned and laid back down on the lounge chair. “Kal won’t do that. He’s a chill dude.”
CK sat up and planted his feet on the pool decking. He wiggled his toes and looked at Skyler. “Skyler, you aren’t a freak. You don’t have this enormous steamer trunk of baggage. Your life is not the R. M. S. Titanic and you aren’t going down. You just think you are, or something like that. You have some baggage, yes, but so do I. So does Cody.”
Skyler chuckled and said, “Annika.”
“Aw dude,” Cody said. He slapped his face and shook his head.
“Exactly,” CK responded, smiling. “But think about it—this shit all happened to you, it’s not like you did a bunch of stuff, served time, and are now trying to date after being on parole. We chose to date…”
“Or fuck…” Cody interjected.
CK rolled his eyes. “Yeah, that. You didn’t choose to be gay, cuz baby, you were born that way!” CK sang the words to the tune from Lady Gaga.
Skyler laughed. “I do like that song.”
“Seriously, you need to play your guitar more so I can sing along.”
“Eh…” Skyler said.
CK rolled his eyes dismissively. “The point is, Sky, life happened. Something shitty happened. You are not alone there. Unfortunately, too many kids find themselves in shitty, hateful situations that are way beyond their control when they start identifying their differences, like being gay.”
I’m getting confused. “Okay. But isn’t personal baggage like, all these hurtful things you carry around inside you because they aren’t processed or something?”
“I guess so.”
“Then I have baggage.”
CK scratched his head in frustration. “If only Tracy were here, she’d have the right thing to say to you right now.
I wish you would realize that you’re sixteen, and you don’t have the horrible baggage you think you have. Some, sure, but really, it’s not that bad, though.”
“What he said,” Cody said, pointing at CK.
He smiled and returned CK’s serious look and sat up, matching CK’s body language. “I can accept that, CK, but do you think Kalin, or anyone for that matter, will see it the way you guys and your parents see it?” I was so close to saying our but I got nervous. Why?
“Of course they will!” CK put his hands up in exasperation. “Skyler, unless you plan on telling people a very different version of your story, there’s absolutely no way people will think differently. They will hear the story and marvel over the fact that you are a survivor.”
“You’re right.” Now it was Skyler’s turn to take a deep breath. He nodded and smiled at CK. “Do you think it will be weird to invite Kalin over with your parents here?”
Cody laughed and shook his head. “Not a chance, dude.”
CK slapped his hands to his face and spoke through his hands. “Cuz it would be weirder, what, only to invite him over when they’re not here?”
Skyler smirked as he heard the sarcasm drip off CK’s words.
CK dropped his hands to his lap. “Skyler, do you need our permission or something? You can invite Kalin over, with or without mom or dad home. You can hold his hand. You can hold him. You can cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. You can do other things, too, but please, for my sanity and yours, know that neither me nor my parents see you as a freak.”
Aha, I got you! “You said ‘my parents,’” Skyler said, hoping to catch CK off guard.
“To get my point across,” CK said, unfazed. “My parents do not see you as a freak because they consider you their son, and my brother. They love you, Skyler. And yes, they are truly our parents. That’s how I see it. That’s how they see it. As for you, that’s your call.”
Oh, wow. Skyler’s heart understood the force and sincerity of CK’s words.
“Skyler, I love you,” CK said.
“What?” Skyler asked, shifting nervously. Cody smiled.
“Yeah, I do. I love you, already.”
“Uh, what makes you say that?” Skyler asked, both flattered and slightly unsure of how to process CK’s tender admission.
“It’s easy. Yesterday, when you were with Kalin, I wanted so much for you to be happy and have a great time. I couldn’t wait for you to come home so you could tell me how wonderful it was. I’m guessing, that in general, people don’t feel or experience that unless it’s about someone they truly care about.”
CK picked himself up and then knelt next to Skyler. Skyler leaned forward and CK wrapped his arms around Skyler and hugged him tightly, burying his face in Skyler’s neck.
“I have wanted a brother for so long, and I finally got my wish, and you’re an awesome brother. So yeah, I realized today, I love you, Skyler.”
Skyler absentmindedly wrapped his arms around CK and hugged him back. “Thanks,” he managed to say, choking up a little. Cody cleared his throat and wiped his eyes. Is he crying?
CK released Skyler and ruffled his hair as he stepped away. He returned to his lounger and sat on the edge of it. Skyler watched him wipe his eyes.
“That’s for real, dude,” Cody added, gesturing to the space between CK and Skyler.
CK nodded and swallowed before speaking again, looking directly into Skyler’s eyes. “I really do love having you here. I’m incredibly grateful it was you who came to us, Sky. No one else…would have been as amazing as you are.” He sat back on his lounger and took a deep breath.
Skyler laid back in his lounger as well Wow. I didn’t see that coming at all. I don’t even know what to say at the moment. What won’t sound corny?
“You do realize that extends to me, too, right bro?” Cody said. Skyler smiled at him and nodded.
“No, I mean it, dude.” Cody pushed himself up and walked around CK’s lounger. Skyler chuckled and stood up to embrace Cody, who gently squeezed as he hugged him. “If you make my main man feel that happy, then I’m happy. We’re bros now, too.” With one final squeeze Cody let go and walked back to his chair. He extended his hand to CK, who reached up and took it in his. They made eye contact, nodded at each other, and squeezed their hands together. Then they let go and Cody sat down on his lounger.
Skyler looked at both of them. “I’m really glad I’m here, too. I think I’ve finally realized I have no idea of how lucky I truly am.”
CK smiled and nodded silently.
Is this what normal life is like? Do people have such closeness in their families and with their friends? I could get used to this, but I need time, I hope he knows that. I so wish I could forget all the bad stuff from the past. My life has been nothing but a fight since my mom got sick…fighting for her life and losing, fighting to stay safe, fighting against the crazies at church, fighting to be me, and fighting to keep my head above water…
But now there’s nothing to fight. Is that what CK is telling me? That I have no one or nothing to fight? That I can finally relax? Can I enjoy the last two years of high school without having to worry about stupid shit? Well, it is high school, there will be lots of stupid shit, but am I now…safe?
Yes.
Yes, I am now safe.
Safe.
I am safe.
Which means I am free, and I can tell Kalin things, I can date Kalin, I can even kiss Kalin. Cam is not coming back. He is gone. I need to let that part of my life go.
“How do I let Cam go?” Skyler asked.
“What, honey?” Liara asked.
Surprised, Skyler turned his head toward the house and saw Liara walking toward them. She carried a tray with a pitcher and some plastic glasses.
“Aw, thanks mom!” CK said.
“Who wants some lemonade?” she asked, smiling. Skyler saw fresh-cut lemons and ice cubes bouncing at the top of the pitcher.
“I do,” Skyler said.
“Me too,” CK said.
“You rock, Mrs. Kelley,” Cody said.
Liara set the tray down on one of the patio ottomans and then poured them each a glass of lemonade as she asked, “How did yesterday go with Kalin, Skyler?”
You asked? Okay, so you do care! Skyler felt a huge smile spread on his face as he summarized the afternoon’s events for Liara. As he shared the highlights of his adventure and his thoughts and feelings about it, he sensed an unusual energy bubble up within him as he spoke.
I’m smitten. I’m totally falling for Kalin as I tell her today’s story. That’s a good sign.
Skyler observed Liara’s extremely attentive body posture and could tell her attention hung on every word he spoke as she handed over their glasses of lemonade. She really does love a good love story. She sat down in a chair next to them and sipped her lemonade.
“And then we got home and I thought we were going to kiss, but then…” Skyler watched as Liara’s eyes opened wide with happiness. So you’re really not about to freak out, huh? This is so weird. Awesome, but weird. “But then I saw the Plant Lady, and it ruined everything.”
Liara’s facial expression shifted from happy attention to confusion.
“Ingrid, mom,” CK offered. “He means Ingrid.”
“Every time I see her outside, she’s playing in her garden. So, I nicknamed her the Plant Lady. Actually, I named her that on the day I moved in.”
Liara chuckled. “That’s cute, and it fits her. But how did Ingrid ruin it?”
Skyler sipped his lemonade. “Well, I saw her out of the corner of my eye. She was standing in her garden, staring right at us. Unfortunately, she reminded me of Rebecca.”
“I see.”
“And well, that killed the mood. Dead.”
“Aw, I’m sorry honey. She’s a pleasant plant lady, though.” Liara said, smiling.
“I told him that,” CK piped in.
Skyler rubbed his forehead in frustration. You’re not getting it.
“I
t’s not her. Or maybe it is. I don’t know, but…she made me think of Rebecca. I thought she was judging me, or something worse, or that, I dunno, she’d call you and tattle-tale or something.”
Liara blinked and tipped her head to the side. “Do you think we’d be upset if a neighbor called and told us that she saw you kissing your boyfriend?”
CK choked on the lemonade he had swallowed and started laughing. Cody snickered.
My boyfriend?
“Uh, yeah, he’s not my boyfriend,” Skyler said.
“Yet,” CK interjected.
Liara smiled. “Oh, sorry I assumed. It’s very clear to me that you like him, Skyler. And it’s totally okay if he does become your boyfriend.”
Seriously?
“If Ingrid had in fact tattled, I would have told you, but I would not have been upset. I would have simply told you about it.” She paused. Skyler could see a new thought occupy her mind and cover her face with horror. “Oh wait, did you think you would get reprimanded or something?”
Skyler shrugged, but mainly as an attempt to ward off the awkward battle his mind was losing to his heart. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“Oh no, not at all,” Liara said emphatically. “This isn’t your previous home situation, Skyler. We’ve already told you, and apparently will need to keep reminding you, that you are welcome, loved, and appreciated for who you are. And if Mrs. Ingrid Hildegarde von Bingen has a problem with it, I’ll be the first one to tell her to mind her own business.”
Skyler could sense Liara was ready to defend him as her own. That’s a first. Wow, Liara is nothing like Rebecca. She only wanted to protect her reputation and make sure everyone thought she was the perfection of whatever she thought was good and holy. But you, you’re ready to defend me for who I am?
What a brain warp!
Skyler took a deep breath and shifted the conversation before his emotions could well up. “Well, I might have, uh, said something to her.”
CK sat up. “What? You didn’t tell me that part!”
“Dude’s got spunk.” Cody said almost at the same time.
“Oh?” Liara asked. She doesn’t seem worried.
The Climb Page 28