Very funny, but that’s a good question. And the answer is because it does mean a lot to me. It helped me survive. “Because it spoke volumes to me at the right time in my life. Because I was terrified of coming out. Because it gave me strength to trust that eventually Rebecca would come around if I ever did come out to them. She’s just as horrible as Mary Griffith in the movie before she changed her beliefs. For lack of a better word, it was a Godsend.”
“Exactly, Skyler. It’s not just a movie. It’s a message, and you heard it loud and clear, and whether you realize it or not you have something Bobby didn’t…hope. You have hope, Skyler. Back then, you had the opportunity to learn from that movie, to know that one day things would get better, and I think you did. You pushed through when things got shitty for you. Your story is huge on so many levels. Even if you don’t think you need the support right now, you do. You’re still struggling, and you know that’s true.”
Ugh, you’re right.
“But take heart, Skyler. Other kids are struggling, too. Think about Tommy and his struggles with Daren, whom we’re all pretty sure is struggling, too, and that’s probably why he’s such an ass. Tommy or some other scared little underclassman might look up to you, Skyler, and you might give them hope because you’re somebody who made it through terrible circumstances—and because of you, they won’t jump off the bridge. And do you know why? Because they saw you happy at the GSA. You’d be a living witness, showing them with your life that it really does get better. And, by the way, you know how a bunch of us suspect Daren is gay?”
“Yeah?”
“That’s gonna happen to you, too. People will talk, people will suspect. There’s no point in hiding who you are when people will already suspect it. Daren could be so much more free if he came out. The same goes for you. But if you simply be you, then people have nothing to talk about, unless they want to be catty, which, no matter what you do, you will never, ever be able to prevent anyway. So, be you, okay?”
Wow, you know how to lay it on thick! “Okay, okay, I get it. You’re right, but do you have to be so intense?”
“Apparently, I need to be over-the-top to get through your wall of insecurities.”
Ouch. “And if I say no?” They rounded another corner together as they ran.
“You won’t. I’ll make your life miserable at Temple Valley if you do.”
“Damn, girl!” Skyler chuckled. “Fine, I will join the Temple Valley Pride GSA group if it means that much to you.”
“Yippee! But it should mean something to you. Yes, you will go, on pain of the death of your social life, but seriously, it will click. Trust me, this will help you feel completely normal as an out-and-proudie.”
“And you really think I’m not comfortable being out now?”
“Skyler, you like, recently moved to a new foster home after a homophobic shit-show of a kerfuffle and you were unexpectedly outed at a barbecue that was supposed to honor and welcome you. You are not comfortable being out. You’re a newbie outie.” She laughed to herself. “Actually let’s not call it that. Sounds like a newborn’s belly button.”
Skyler laughed. “True, and true again. I would not potentially be out now if it wasn’t for the barbecue.”
“And you wouldn’t have met Kalin. So, you have something to thank Annika for.”
“Oh, wait, seriously? You’re going there?”
Tracy laughed. “I’m kidding, sort of. Besides, you’re kinda, sorta, almost, probably, gonna be dating Kalin when school starts, which means you’ll have a boyfriend in everyone’s eyes. Perception is reality. Unless you plan on backing off with Kalin…”
Kalin. I hadn’t thought about him or being in a relationship. But she’s right.
“No, I don’t, not at all.”
“Good, because I really didn’t want to have that conversation with you today. And don’t even think of asking him not to tell anyone. He’s an out-and-proudie, especially with his aunts and the family.”
“He’s patient.”
“Yes, he is. But you have to be fair.”
“Christ, could you be any pushier? I don’t think the beating you’re giving me is having an effect today,” Skyler said, laughing.
“Moi? Pushy? Heavens, no. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She smiled wickedly at him.
“Uh-huh.”
For the first time, Skyler wondered if he could feel comfortable letting his peers know he was gay. I guess this is why I need you in my life. You make me feel safe, and appreciated, and you know how to push me into things that are for my own good even when I can’t see it. CK and the family are sort of, waiting for me to get there. But you, you believe it’s already there…you believe in me.
How come things make more sense when we talk about it, but I question when anyone else does? Maybe it’s because you don’t threaten me. No, that’s not it. Maybe it’s because you…are so boldly you. Or maybe I don’t have to pretend around you? No, that’s not it either. Shit, well, I don’t know what it is…but I like it.
“Thanks for being my friend, Tracy. I really need someone like you in my life right now.”
Tracy abruptly stopped running. Skyler stopped a second later and then turned around. Tracy’s mouth was agape and both hands clutched her chest.
“Did you just say those wonderful words to me?”
“Uh, yeah? I did. Thanks for, uh, being there. You know?”
“Skyler Phoenix if you weren’t so sweaty and disgusting I would give you a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.”
“Uh, okay, well, how about a high five?”
She nodded and stepped closer to him. “Progress,” she said, and they high-fived.
Progress?
Skyler checked the running app on his phone that was strapped to his arm. “Shit, we’ve run five miles already. We should head in.”
“Okay, yeah, definitely. Especially now that I’ve watered your ego flower.”
* * *
Tracy and Skyler ran around the house and headed straight for the pool. CK stood on the far end, skimming on the pool for bugs, wearing only a pair of bright blue soccer shorts. “Hi guys, good run?” he asked.
“Oh yeah,” Skyler said, hopping on his left foot as he pulled off a running sneaker and a sock. “We’re jumping in. I’m really hot and need to cool off.”
“Me too,” Tracy said, sliding out of her sneakers and socks.
“Uh, okay,” CK said. “The bugs…”
“I’m dying,” Skyler interrupted. “The bugs won’t mind.” He padded over to the edge of the pool in his running shorts and fell in sideways. The refreshing water enveloped him as he slowly sank beneath the surface. He heard the underwater splashing sound of Tracy jumping into the pool near him. A third splash peaked his curiosity and he swam up to the surface to check it out. CK had jumped in.
When CK surfaced, Skyler asked, “I thought there were too many bugs for you?”
CK laughed and splashed him. “Yeah, but, you know, it seems like such a great idea when you two did it. Besides, it’s already hot out.”
“No kidding,” Tracy quipped. “Try running in this humidity.”
“Yeah, it’s gonna suck when I go later.” CK admitted, looking at the sun rising in the bright blue sky.
“Hey,” Skyler taunted, “you could have gone with us, but noooo, somebody wanted to sleep in today.”
“Yeah, yeah,” CK answered. “Next time.”
“Hey, can we head to the mall later today?” Skyler asked.
“Sure, I guess so,” CK answered.
“Oh, yeah, I, uh, want to get Kal something.”
“Ohmagersh,” Tracy exclaimed. Skyler laughed. CK blew bubbles in the pool water with his mouth.
“What are you getting, him, lover boy?” Tracy asked.
Skyler blushed. One day I’ll stop doing that. But not too soon, I hope. “Um, well, it’s kind of silly, really…”
“Oooh, that means it must be romantic! Tell me, tell me!” Tracy begged.
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“Well, it’s like, my little nickname…”
“You guys already have a thing?” Tracy asked.
“Yet you claim you’re not his boyfriend,” CK said, stroking his chin with a faux-detective tone to his voice.
“No, we don’t have a thing, or anything, we have, well, I have a nickname for him.”
“You already have a pet name for him? You guys are so frigging cute and perfect for each other and you don’t even know it! So what is it? Tell me, Skyler Phoenix!”
“Uh, maybe that’s between us?” Skyler said.
“Not if you need to go to the mall with us, it’s not.”
“You’re so mean!” Skyler quipped.
“No I’m not. Is it squishy-bubbles?” Tracy asked, attempting to guess. “Or Cutiepie? Sexyabs?”
Oh my gosh, you are hysterical!
“Is it Thundercock?”
“Tracy!” both CK and Skyler yelled, mouths agape.
She shrugged. “Well, it could be.”
“It’s not that!” Skyler insisted, laughing. “At least, not yet. It’s Kal-El.”
“Ka-lel?” she repeated with incorrect pronunciation.
“No, Kal-El,” Skyler corrected her.
“Kal-El,” CK echoed. “That sounds familiar…very familiar.”
“What are you picking up at the mall?” Tracy asked, unwilling to let this go.
“Uh, a Superman belt buckle, or t-shirt, or something Superman at least.”
CK slapped the water with his hands. “That’s it! Superman’s Kryptonian name. Oh, that’s what you two were nerding out about at the pool party. That’s the first time you called him Kal-El!”
“You guys are such dorks. What does Superman’s cryptic-whatever name have to do with Kal?” Tracy asked.
“Wait for it,” CK said, giggling.
“Oh…Kal-El. I get it, now,” Tracy said.
“Yeah, that’s it,” Skyler said. “And it’s Kryptonian.”
“Sure it is. You shouldn’t feel ashamed. It’s cute.”
“I don’t feel ashamed at all. It’s weird…remember…I’m still getting used to talking so freely and openly about liking a guy.”
“Right, well, bask in the gay glory, lover boy. You two are right for each other.”
“I will,” Skyler said. Really? That’s it? No lecture from either one of you?
CK winked at him and swam backward toward the edge of the pool. He pulled himself up, pulled the front of his clinging soccer shorts away from his crotch, and walked over to the skimming net. He picked it up and continued skimming the pool.
“Okay,” Tracy said. “Thanks for the dip, boys. I’m out. When are we going to the mall, after lunch?” She pulled herself out of the pool and walked over to her running sneakers.
Skyler looked at CK and swam to the ladder.
“That’s fine with me, Tracy,” CK said.
“Cool here,” Skyler echoed. Their summer days were full of freedom outside of chores and track practice.
“All right, I’ll see you boys later.”
“Bye,” CK and Skyler said together. Tracy walked away, dripping water across the lawn.
“I’m gonna head upstairs and clean up, unless you need help down here.”
“Nope, I’m good.”
Skyler nodded and wiped as much water off him as he could before heading up to the shower.
19 | I Don't Have Time for This
“ALTHOUGH YOU WILL RUN THROUGH the Valley of Death, you will fear no evil, maggots, because you are the fastest team in the entire upper valley.” Coach Tomlin yelled at the track team.
Skyler chuckled. Coach’s bizarre boot camp phrases were growing on him, and Skyler figured he had hundreds of them because they effortlessly flowed from the former drill sergeant’s mouth.
“I want you lazy slobs back five minutes earlier this time! Move out!”
Everyone groaned and took off running. Skyler followed the team away from the school grounds toward the roads, where the captain would lead them through the most difficult running route the Coach had devised, known simply as the Valley of Death. When they ran this route last week, they had returned five minutes late. Coach was not pleased.
Like most runs, Tommy ran alongside Skyler to avoid Daren’s bullying, Tommy had started hanging around with Skyler and CK more and they encouraged him to stick close to them. Unfortunately, Daren picked on Tommy when he least expected it. On the way back from their first run through the Valley of Death last week, Skyler had a hard time keeping up with the team. Tommy and a few of the other younger guys ran slower, so he ran with them.
Today, Tommy hung back a little from the slow group. Skyler sensed he wanted to talk, so he let Tommy set the pace as they ran together.
“Are we on the same page, Skyler?” Tommy asked.
“What do you mean?” Ah, wait, I think I know what you mean.
“You know, are we…”
“We?” Skyler asked. Don’t be an ass to him!
“You,” Tommy nervously self-corrected. “Are you gay, like me?”
“Oh, that.”
“Yeah,” Tommy said. Skyler could sense the anxiety in Tommy’s voice.
“Yeah, Tommy, I’m gay.” Wow, it feels good to admit that to someone.
“Yes, I knew it! Oh, thank goodness,” Tommy said, gushing with relief as he spoke.
“I’m not used to telling people, though. It’s weird for me.”
“Why?” Tommy asked.
Shit, I can’t even tell Kalin what’s going on, I’m not about to tell you first.
“Well, uh, I’m sure you know I wasn’t here last year…”
“Right, you live with CK now.”
“Yeah, I’m in the foster care system because my mom died when I was ten.”
“Oh,” Tommy mustered. He attempted to hide an expression of horror but didn’t succeed.
“The family I lived with before coming here…let’s just say it didn’t go so well when they found out I was gay.”
“Oh,” Tommy said again. “What did they do?”
“I, uh, think that I need to tell someone else first.”
“Oh,” Tommy repeated.
Skyler chuckled. “You’ve said, ‘oh’ three times.”
“Sorry, I’m listening to you but you have no idea how relieved I am that you’re gay. There’s someone else like me at school.”
“Of course there is, Tommy,” Skyler said. “Did you think you were the only gay kid at the school?” Oh, wait…wow.
“No,” he answered, laughing a little. “That’s not what I meant. I mean, I haven’t really connected with any of the gay kids at school yet, but feel like I click with you.”
Oh shit. Does he like me? “Um, Tommy, I’m kind of…” Wait, am I seeing someone else? We haven’t even had our first date. “I’m kind of, maybe, starting to date someone.”
“Oh, no no no,” Tommy quickly said. “Don’t get me wrong, Skyler, you’re hot, and yeah I’d love to be with someone like you, but dating? Me? Hell no, I’m not ready for that. I can’t yet.”
“Oh,” Skyler said, feeling relieved.
“Now you’re saying, ‘oh’”.
“Ha, yeah I am. Thanks, I appreciate the compliment.”
“So, who is he?”
“Who’s who?”
“The guy you’re almost dating. The one I’m guessing you have to tell stuff to first.”
“I don’t have to, but I want to.”
“That’s fair.”
“It’s Kalin.”
“Kalin Mars?” Tommy exclaimed. “Oh my gosh, he and his twin Kyle are so damn cute. You’re so lucky.”
“Thanks.”
“You’ve got a really good guy there. Don’t mess it up. He’s so sweet.”
“I’m trying not to mess it up. It’s hard though…still adjusting to the new family and stuff.”
“Well, you’re pretty awesome, so be yourself around him and you’ll do fine.”
“Thanks, bud
dy,” Skyler said, grinning. We’re gonna be great friends. I wonder why he… “Hey, why’d you ask in the first place if I was gay?”
“I’m pretty sure Daren picks on me because I’m gay, and he seems to have this weird on-and-off mean thing with you. I wondered if he knew, or if he was guessing, but I guess bottom line, Daren only picks on us queer kids. I’ve never seen him pick on Cody, CK, or any of the other guys. Have you?”
“Now that you mention it, no. He might know I’m gay. My second day here, I went running with CK in the morning and we ran past him. I had a bit of a breakdown when I realized CK figured out I was gay and when I recovered, he was standing there. I basically came out to CK, and I don’t know how much he heard.”
“Oh. That might be it then.” They rounded a corner and headed toward the athletic field.
“Aw shit, speaking of you-know-who…”
“Great.”
As they returned to the field, they saw Daren staring intently at them, standing in front of the team with his arms folded across his chest. A few of his friends stood nearby, along with other members of the track team. Coach was busy talking with one of the assistant football coaches.
Skyler and Tommy slowed and walked into the fields, their lungs heaving as they fought to catch their breath. The humidity made it twice as hard to calm their pounding hearts.
“What’s the matter with you two fairies, can’t keep up with the men? Too busy holding hands with your boyfriend or whatever you faggots do?”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” Tommy yelled, fists clenched at his sides.
“Aww, are you sure? You’re getting pretty upset there, sissy boy.”
“Don’t,” Skyler said, resting a hand on Tommy’s shoulder, hoping to prevent a fist fight. “He’s not worth it.”
“Of course I am, faggot,” Daren said. “Go ahead, Tommy, hit me if you can,” he taunted.
“That’s enough, Daren,” one of the track guys yelled from the field.
Tommy shook Skyler’s hand off his shoulder and stormed away. Skyler glared at Daren and snapped at him. “You really are an asshole, you know that?”
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