Exploration

by Quinn Ward

  Frankie sunk deeper into the couch and held his coffee mug in front of his face as he stared out the front window. The lack of eye contact was disconcerting because I had no clue what he was thinking. The silence grew nearly unbearable, with the occasional interruption of a grunt as he worked through my proposal in his mind. “If there’s no sex, what’s in it for you? I mean, I s’pose I can admit I’m not as turned off by everything as I was before, but I don’t get it.”

  “It’s hard to explain,” I told him.

  “Try. Convince me to say yes.”

  I opened my mouth but no words came out. Whatever I told him, I doubted he’d believe me. Hell, it was hard for me to understand for the longest time. There was only one way forward. “Give me one week. We can work out the boundaries before you have to go in tonight, but from now until next Sunday, let me show you what both of us could get out of this arrangement.”

  “But no sex?” he asked for clarification. Frankie seemed entirely too hung up on the sexual aspect, but I was determined to help him reframe his thinking so sex and control didn’t have to go hand-in-hand.

  “Not right away,” I confirmed. “I’m not taking it off the table entirely, but I think it’d be best if we keep things simple to start. I know it probably sounds stupid, but when I saw you on your knees in that storage room, something snapped into place, not unlike the missing piece of the puzzle. I’ve always had a habit of watching people, trying to figure out what makes them tick. With you, there was always an emptiness, like you were living up to what was expected of you but you weren’t truly happy. I’ll admit it was erotic as hell watching you suck that guy off, but more than that, you finally looked like you were completely at peace. I want you to feel that way more often.”

  “Why?”

  It was time to lay all my cards on the table. Since he hadn’t refused me so far, I pushed out of my chair and sat next to him on the couch. Cupping his cheek, I pulled gently until he faced me. My thumb trailed over his stubbled cheek. It would’ve been so easy to lean in and kiss him, but I knew one kiss wouldn’t be enough. As soon as I got a taste of Frankie, I’d want to move on to the main course. “Because seeing you at peace is stunning. I want you to let me take some of the worry off your shoulders and know I’m the reason you stop walking around with frown lines that shouldn’t appear on your forehead for another decade. And yeah, eventually, I want to help you completely let go in the bedroom. Want to show you what it’s like to give up control without walking away unsatisfied. You asked what’s in it for me, well that’s it. I’m a selfish man and it feeds my ego to know you trust me enough to take care of you.”

  Frankie closed his eyes and leaned into my touch. He let out a soft sigh and his warm breath sent shivers up my arm. If I wasn’t careful, this man could easily be my undoing. I didn’t rush him for an answer, I simply continued caressing his cheek. The tension he always carried melted away and his entire body sagged. When he finally opened his dark eyes, Frankie looked half-drunk. “Yeah, that sounds nice.”

  6

  Frankie

  I’d lost my damned mind. That or Calvin was some sort of wizard who’d cast a spell on me when he sat next to me on the couch, because the second I felt his rough palm against my face, the chatter in my mind silenced. I was able to focus on nothing other than his words and the movement of his thumb across my cheek. When he painted a picture of what it’d be like to let go and let him carry some of my burden, I realized that’s what I’d been chasing this entire time. I spent so much of my life as the leader, the one everyone turned to when decisions needed to be made. Sucking dick had been my outlet to turn over the decisions to someone else while still giving myself the illusion of control. I wanted to know what it’d feel like to give up that last shred of restraint. And if there was anyone I trusted that much outside of my family, it was Calvin.

  Sunday afternoon, as the servers finished flipping the dining room from brunch to dinner and Freddie’s crew prepped for the evening rush, I read through the text messages Calvin had sent over the two weeks since he’d caught me blowing a random in the storage room. My stomach flipped with each gentle demand. Had anyone else dictated what time I should leave work or tell me I needed to get more sleep, I’d have knocked their teeth out. I’d always been what Mama referred to as her stubborn mule and hated being told what to do. So why had I so willingly abided by Calvin’s directions?

  Because you like him, you idiot. Calvin had hit the nail on the head when he accused me of my BDSM knowledge being from what I’d heard about a few popular book series from some of the servers at the restaurant. I hadn’t read the books, because I had less than zero interest in reading about some chick who agreed to get off on pain because she wanted a hot sugar daddy, and that’s what I came away with after listening to the girls at work talk. That was exactly the type of shit I’d never put up with in my own life. A little slap and tickle was insanely hot, but no way in hell was I gonna let someone leave my backside red and welted.

  “You met someone, didn’t you?” Tony’s accusation startled me, and I dropped my phone. He plopped into the chair across from my desk and stretched his long legs. I opened my mouth to deny his claim, but he cut me off. “Don’t even give me that shit. You’re leaving earlier, you haven’t snapped at Teo all week, and your phone is damn-near glued to your hand. If not for the latter, I’d think you were on drugs, but I doubt you’d spend that much time waiting to hear from your dealer.”

  “So my good mood comes down to either drugs or sex?” I snorted at the absurdity of Tony’s logic.

  My phone buzzed across the floor and I tried to ignore it. Tony, on the other hand, was all too eager to help me out. I snatched the phone off the floor seconds before he snooped in my text messages. He was a conniving shit that way and I needed to make a point to change my passcode to something he couldn’t figure out on the off chance I forgot my phone in the office if there was an emergency in the dining room.

  It buzzed again with a second message, and Tony crossed his arms over his broad chest as he got comfortable in his chair again. “Go ahead, I’m in no hurry.”

  “I’m sure it’s nothing that can’t wait,” I responded. Knowing my luck, it’d be another of Calvin’s reminders that should annoy me but didn’t. And knowing me, my stomach would erupt with butterflies and I’d get a schmoopy smile on my face.

  “So it’s a dude then.” I choked on the soda I’d just taken a swig of. It was going to take time to get used to the fact that Tony knew I was gay and didn’t give a damn. Come to think of it, since he’d dropped the bomb that my secret wasn’t completely secret, he’d been all up in my shit, which was how he acted when he wanted to let me know he was there if I needed to talk. Our entire lives, he’d been the lifeline trying to help me out even though he was my little brother. And I’d always resisted, because it was my job to carry the stress around. That’s what Calvin had seen and wanted to fix in me. Well, I couldn’t expect him to fix me if I wasn’t willing to fix myself.

  “Yeah, it’s a guy,” I confirmed. “But don’t let Mama know I’m seeing someone. It’s not the type of relationship I want her knowing about.”

  Calling it a relationship was a bit of a stretch. It’d be hard enough for her when I finally came out, I didn’t need her knowing I was sort-of but not really seeing someone who got off on telling me to get my ass home at a decent hour, made sure I didn’t sleep my mornings away, and sent me reminders to eat. Right on cue, my stomach grumbled, reminding me I’d been running around since nine this morning with nothing more than coffee and a croissant I snatched as I whizzed past the buffet line.

  “Man, you know I’d never do you like that. I’m happy for you. For a while, I worried you’d gone full hermit, devoting your entire life to keeping what Papa and Nonno built alive even though we all know you’d rather be doing just about anything other than sitting in this musty office every day. I don’t know why you didn’t tell Papa you appreciated the offer, but that Freddie was the bette
r choice for the next generation of Marino’s.”

  Oh, if only it’d been that simple. Papa was a master when it came to guilt. Had I tried to refuse what he’d seen as a gift, he’d have allowed me to walk away, but I never would’ve heard the end of it from him. We’d have spent the last three years of his life in a mix of awkward silence, heavy sighs, and monologues from him about how he didn’t understand what he’d done wrong as a father that I needed to escape at the first opportunity. If I could hand the reins to Freddie and walk out, I’d do so without a backwards glance, but Mama would see that as a slap in the face of Papa’s legacy. So, here I was. Stuck.

  My phone buzzed again, and this time I pulled it out.

  2:16: Don’t forget to eat something before the dinner rush. Something light.

  2:18: Forgot to tell you we’re running behind. Ryan was held for some extra drills. I hope to beat you home as long as I don’t pass out from the stench in my car.

  2:26: Ryan just talked to his mom. She wants to know if he can crash at my place tonight. I know we were going to talk, but can I make it up to you tomorrow?

  The fact he asked without immediately assuming I’d be cool with delaying our pow-wow about how I felt after a week of him taking care of me – calm, but oddly horny in case you were wondering—meant the world to me. I’d always had this impression that the Dom, and damn did it feel weird to attach that label to him since we hadn’t done anything remotely kinky, did whatever the hell he wanted and the sub could take it or leave him. I didn’t need to think about it before I typed out my response.

  Me: Not a problem. Want me to crash at Mama’s tonight?

  Now that we were growing closer, it felt weird being at home when Ryan was there. Which was stupid, because it wasn’t like I walked around naked or wearing a ball gag. Hell, I wasn’t even sure that was shit Calvin would be into. I could get down with the former, but I was way too oral to let anyone gag me. No fucking way.

  Calvin: Absolutely not. Get your ass home as soon as you can. Maybe we’ll grab pizza for dinner and turn on one of those comic movies the two of you are obsessed with.

  Me: Isn’t that weird? Seems a little soon for bonding with your kid.

  Calvin: It’ll be weirder to him if you’re suddenly avoiding him. What we’re doing won’t affect him unless we let it.

  But it would, eventually, if we ever got past these bizarrely satisfying text exchanges.

  Calvin: You’re thinking too hard. All you need to do is tell me you’ll ask Tony to run the front tonight and you’ll be home before eight. Can you do that?

  Lovely. Now he was not only telling me what to do with my personal life, but he was helping me manage Marino’s. I should be pissed, but I was more frustrated that I hadn’t considered giving Tony more responsibility sooner. There wasn’t much money to give him a raise and an official promotion, but he was the brother who always rode my ass to delegate some of the responsibility. I huffed out a laugh, realizing I’d been so desperate to prove Papa hadn’t made a mistake handing me a restaurant I didn’t even want that I was micromanaging everything into the ground.

  I slid the phone into my pocket, turning my attention back to my pain-in-the-ass brother. The crabbier version of me that was slowly disappearing wanted to smack the smug grin off his face. I held out my hand for him to stop himself from saying something stupid. “Not a fucking word.”

  “I didn’t say anything.” He laughed. “But that must’ve been one hell of a conversation. You went from all sappy happy to pissed off and now you’re all boneless and relaxed. Hopefully, someday we’ll be able to meet this guy who’s got you all twisted in knots.”

  It’d be so easy to throw Tony a bone and tell him he already knew the man who occupied my thoughts too much of the time, but I didn’t want to jinx anything.

  “He’s a good guy,” I confirmed. I’d known that from the day we met. “What would you think if I asked you to help me out with the front of house a bit more? With you up front and Freddie in the kitchen, I might be able to take a day off each week.”

  “I’d say it’s about damn time,” Tony said without hesitation. “Both of us have been waiting for you to realize you can’t run this ship on your own. But we know you, we understand why it’s been so important for you to prove you could do it on your own, so we didn’t say anything.”

  Tony half stood so he could grab a legal pad and pen off my desk. “Let’s figure out a schedule that’ll work, because you should be able to take a couple days off without worrying that the place is going to burn down.”

  For the next hour, Tony and I brainstormed ways to streamline the daily operations of the restaurant. By the time we were done, we agreed it was for the best if he completely took over the front-of-house operations, including scheduling and customer service. Freddie would be the king of the kitchen, which wasn’t going to be much of an adjustment because everyone but Mama already knew better than to tell him what to do with his staff. That left me time to focus on the business boredom while finally allowing me to break the chains shackling me to the desk.

  Then you can have Calvin chain you to his bed. My entire body locked up at that thought. I had clearly told him I wasn’t interested in being restrained, but fuck if there wasn’t something enticing about the thought of him chaining me to the bed, ready for him to use as he saw fit. I could practically hear myself demanding that he release me because I had a life, but my complaints would fall on deaf ears. Calvin would lean down and remind me he was doing this for my own good, that I needed to learn to be selfish and put my own needs first for a change.

  “Man, you’ve got it bad!” Tony teased. “Why don’t you get the hell out of here for the night and I’ll tell Freddie we need to sit down on Tuesday afternoon so we’re all on the same page.”

  “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”

  In the meantime, I needed to figure out a way to put this arrangement with Calvin into fast forward, because my balls were going to pop pretty soon if I didn’t get some release. For a few days, I’d thought he’d made a valid point when he said I needed to ignore my dick and listen to my brain, because I was more focused at work and less stressed at home. But now, the slightest innocent thought turned into a vivid porn running on a loop through my brain. It was a damn good thing Ryan was staying at the house tonight, because I was so desperate I’d be tempted to beg Calvin to at least let me jack off in the shower if we were alone. And why was it so hot to consider asking for permission to rub one out?

  Before heading home, I needed to stop by the kitchen anyway. Hopefully, Freddie was in a good mood because I had a huge favor to ask him. I followed Tony out of the office, locking the door behind me. “Hey, you wanna ring up an order for me before I go?”

  “Man, if you’re hungry, you know you can just grab something. The brunch leftovers are in the back for crew food,” Tony reminded me.

  Normally, that’d be exactly what I did, but I wanted something better than pizza for dinner tonight. Calvin coming home and being so grateful that I’d taken care of dinner that he dropped to his knees and blew me was probably too much to ask, but a guy could hope.

  “Calvin’s kid had a big clinic this weekend because he made a higher level team for fall league. The kid’s gonna be hungry and I figured one of the to-go pans of lasagna might hit the spot.”

  “That’s pretty damn nice of you to do for your roommate’s kid.” Tony glanced over his shoulder, one eyebrow quirked like he thought I was lying. I wasn’t. I may not be telling him why I was trying to get the kid a special meal tonight, but if he wasn’t going to be at the house, I could’ve easily picked up Chinese or Thai, which I knew were Calvin’s favorites. Ryan, on the other hand, was all about the carbs. At least with Mama’s lasagna, he’d be getting some hidden veggies and plenty of protein as well. “Please tell me you’re not chasing after him?”

  “Hell no!” My emphatic response echoed off the high ceilings of the hallway. “Man, that’s just wrong. The kid’s only fiftee
n!”

  “Really? Damn, he looks older. Must be all the time he spends in the gym.” I stopped in my tracks, gaping at my younger brother. Had he really just said that? Was it possible I wasn’t the only Marino who didn’t score a zero on the Kinsey Scale? Tony spun around when he realized I was no longer following him. “What? I’m not blind. The kid’s hot.”

  “If you say so.” I shook my head, filing that little revelation away for future conversation. I’d always seen Tony with girls, so it’d never occurred to me that he could be attracted to guys as well. “I’m grabbing dinner because they’re getting back into town late and I figured it’d be the friendly thing to do to have something ready when they get home.”

  “And we all know your cooking skills aren’t quite up to box mac and cheese level,” Tony teased. Scorch the noodles to the bottom of the pan one time… “Good call having Freddie’s crew handle the cooking. You think you’ll be able to heat it up without the fire department joining this little welcome home celebration?”

  “I’ll have you know my skills have improved since I was twelve,” I quipped, watching over Tony’s shoulder as he rang in not only a pan of the lasagna, but also a salad, garlic bread, and the cannoli.

  “Whatever you say, big brother.” He put the order through and I handed him my credit card. Thank God for the employee discount, because the total was enough to make my ass pucker. I made a mental note to add that to the things we talked about when the three eldest brothers sat down later in the week. It felt wrong to leave Enzo and Matteo out since this was supposed to be a family business, but Enzo had never shown an interest in anything other than being a line cook and Teo was still overwhelmed trying to learn the ropes. Eventually, it’d be nice to get both of them more comfortable sharing their input. “I put a note on there to wrap everything up with directions for heating. You’d better hope Mama doesn’t see you picking up the order or she’ll be up your ass wanting to know who the special girl is.”