Hero Wanted

by Dan McGirt

  “Gah!” I responded.

  Natalia decapitated the dog, then snatched up the frog by one of its hind legs and hurled it across the room and through the wall. It didn’t return.

  “Thanks,” I said. Natalia pulled me to my feet.

  Only the bear remained. Standing on its hind legs, it towered over all of us, dust whirling around it like a wreath of hellish smoke. It growled a metallic growl.

  “Cocky, this one,” said Merc. “It waited until we finished the others.”

  “Do you have another lodestone snack for it?”

  “Sorry. Fresh out.”

  “We’ll fight then,” said Natalia.

  “After you, milady.” Merc sketched a mock bow.

  But the bear struck first, knocking us all over the room with one sweep of its club-like paw. Natalia fell across a couch. Merc hit a far wall. I landed amid the remains of the dog and butterfly.

  “Round one to the bear,” I said.

  “But not round two!” Natalia hurled the couch at the statue. It broke harmlessly across the beast’s armored body. Merc peeled himself off the wall and rubbed his hands together while trying to think of a useful spell.

  I ran at the bear, swinging Overwhelm in a great arc that severed one of its paws. With the stump of its forelimb, the metal beast shoved me to the floor. I lost my grip on the sword. The bear pounced. I rolled away, just missing being crushed beneath its bulk.

  Natalia attacked from the rear, hacking at one of the bear’s hind legs. It turned and slapped her across the room again, then came after me. I scrambled backward across the floor until I hit a wall. I willed Overwhelm back to my grasp.

  “Get back!” said Merc. The headless body of the dog rose into the air and flew at the bear, striking it in the head with a tremendous clang. The bear caught the dog in its jaws and bit it in two, spitting an iron dog leg at me. I deflected the missile with Overwhelm.

  “This is not going well!” I said.

  “I’ll levitate the bear,” exclaimed Merc. His face took on an expression of intense, painful concentration. “Maybe.”

  The bear stopped moving toward me. It growled uncertainly as its feet rose a fraction of an inch off the floor. Unable to walk or otherwise approach me, it roared in frustration.

  “Great,” I said. “Now what?”

  “Kill it!” said Merc. “I can’t...hold it...for long.”

  I approached the bear. It snarled and raked the air with its claws.

  “Merc, cutting this thing up could take a while!”

  “Then...help me...push it through the door.”

  Natalia and I sheathed our swords and approached the bear from behind. Lacking contact with the floor, it was unable to turn and attack us. We put our hands on its haunches and pushed, aided by Merc’s power. The bear drifted slowly across the room, gathering speed as we went. Roaring all the while, it went through the door, taking most of the wall with it. We followed into the corridor beyond, still pushing the bear. We sent it through another wall into what was evidently a wine cellar, sending casks and barrels hurtling in all directions.

  “I’m losing it!” said Merc. The bear fell to the flagstones. Snarling, it turned to face us...and promptly fell from sight as the floor collapsed beneath its great weight. It was followed by a dozen barrels of wine. We heard a great splash and smelled the foul odor of sewage wafting up from the hole.

  “Good plan, Merc! How did you know the floor was weaker in this wine cellar on the far side of two walls?”

  “It seemed reasonable that the floors of any adjoining chambers would not be reinforced to, ah, bear its weight.”

  “We’re beneath a city,” said Natalia.

  “Obviously,” said Merc. “But which one?” He examined a wine cask. “Ah! Plum Sparkle. We’re in Caratha.”

  “We’re in Caratha?” I echoed. This was not how I had imagined entering the City at the Center of the World. But despite the circumstances, I felt a surge of excitement. Could it be true?

  “Well, under Caratha. It looks as though the Overbrat has a hideaway here as his refuge of last resort.” Merc led the way back to the chamber in which we arrived. Our battle with the iron menagerie had obscured the dusty footprints I noted before.Swords ready, Natalia and I flanked Merc as we explored the rest of the subterranean complex. We found a storeroom, a small study, a pantry, and several closets full of boy-sized robes and regalia. Soon, only one door remained unopened.

  Merc and Natalia crouched in readiness as I kicked it open. The room beyond was dimly lit by lanterns in the shape of demon heads. On the walls were shelves lined with rows of miniature lead soldiers, wizards, monsters, and other figures, carefully painted with fine attention to detail. Erimandras reclined on a large bed, propped up on several cushions, his hands out of sight beneath a blanket decorated with embroidered skulls. He was slightly more opaque than when we had last seen him, but still appeared insubstantial.

  “I’ve been expecting you,” he said. His voice, at least, was somewhat restored.

  “Liar,” said Merc. “You expected us to die beneath Fortress Marn.”

  “Well, sure, but I heard your battle with my Iron Guardians. I’ve been expecting you since then.”

  “This is the end, Erimandras.”

  “Fools! I am the Overmaster of the Dark Magic Society. I can never be defeated. I anticipate every exigency. I am your superior in every respect.”

  “Oh?” I said. “Your minions hunted me across the Eleven Kingdoms. You drove me from my home, hounded me, wounded me, tortured me. By all rights, I should be dead. Yet here I stand.”

  “Barely,” said Erimandras.

  “The only thing keeping me on my feet right now is the desire to see justice done. Justice for me, justice for all your victims. You’re finished, kid.”

  “Is that so?” hissed Erimandras. “Then why do you fear to enter this chamber? Here I lay, defenseless before you—why don’t you come and slay me?” He glared at us disdainfully. “You fear me still. You know you can never win.”

  “You’re bluffing,” said Merc. “The Cards of Power should have dissolved you to nothingness. Despite your survival you are nowhere near your full strength. And even that wasn’t enough to stop us.”

  “Then come on in, Boltblaster! Come and die!” Erimandras was livid with rage, or as close to livid as he could be while translucent. “Or else be wise. Fall to your knees and swear your eternal loyalty. I can make you king of half the world, Cosmo. I will give you the other half, Natalia. I can teach you secrets you will never learn elsewhere, Boltblaster! Swear now and all is yours!”

  Merc laughed. “If we didn’t take that offer from Asmodraxas, we’re certainly not taking it from you. If you thought you could kill us you would have done so by now instead of wasting time with these blandishments. We call your bluff.”We entered the bedchamber. The evil wizard threw back the blanket and held forth a perfect set of human teeth, still attached to a set of jaw bones.

  “Behold!” said Erimandras. “The Jaws of Death!”

  Merc went pale. “Impossible.”

  “Is it?”

  “Invoking such a powerful talisman in your weakened state would bring your instant destruction.”

  “Perhaps,” said Erimandras. “Perhaps not. But it will certainly bring yours!”

  The Jaws of Death flew from his hand, expanding to monstrous proportions as they opened wide to engulf us all.

  *****

  Chapter 25

  We scattered as Erimandras laughed his thin, airless laugh. The Jaws of Death snapped their way through the wall of his bedchamber, reducing the stone to dust. Natalia turned left and sprinted down the corridor. Merc and I ran to the right.

  As we ran, Mercury explained the threat we faced. “Death lost a wager with Vanah, Goddess of Fortune. He bet his Jaws against the life of Sajahk the Smiling, a mortal wizard whom she favored. The obvious moral is that Death may be inevitable, but never gamble against Lady Luck.”

  The Jaws bro
ke clear of the wall and turned from side to side slowly, like a Ganthian bloodhawk searching for its prey. Merc and I spotted an adjoining passage and ducked around the corner.

  “Vanah had no particular use for the Jaws, so she hid them inside a mountain, surrounded by mighty magical guardians, monsters, traps, and puzzles—all set to test those who would brave fortune to seek the Jaws. When the necromancers of the world got wind of this, they were dancing on their own graves with joy. Many expeditions were mounted to recover the Jaws. Eventually one succeeded.”

  The clenched Jaws decided to move in our direction, stalking slowly but purposefully through the air like a hound following a scent. The scent of life. Our scent.

  “Dreadful Dwarkanath recovered the Jaws. He was the most powerful necromancer ever. He associated freely with ghosts, wraiths, vampires, and every form of undead horror. He founded the Forbidden Church of Undeath now led by Necrophilus. But even with all his power, Dwarkanath was unable to control the Jaws. They swallowed him whole, reduced his fortress to ruins in mere minutes, and went on a killing spree across six kingdoms before being banished by a large band of priests and wizards. Many thousands perished before the Jaws were stopped.”

  “None of this is reassuring.”

  “The Jaws have not been seen since. Some believe Death reclaimed them. But it looks like they wound up with the Overbrat.”

  The Jaws of Death rounded the corner and streaked toward us, opening wide. We turned to flee and discovered belatedly that we had chosen a dead end.

  The irony did not escape me.

  Merc stood forth and cast a spell. A huge bolt of crackling blue energy flew from his outstretched hands and struck the Jaws, only to vanish into their dark maw. The dreadful teeth flew onward, unhindered by his attack, and swallowed Merc whole, gulping him into the great beyond with a morbid snap.

  The Jaws hovered before me, momentarily sated. I was still trapped. Then Natalia appeared at the far end of the corridor, behind the Jaws, and shouted for their attention. I was impressed and thankful that she had not fled the scene altogether, but her tactic was to no avail. Ignoring her, the Jaws opened slightly and advanced toward me. I held Overwhelm and Gardswell at the ready, wondering if even these enchanted weapons would suffice against a monstrous apparition that could snap down Mercury Boltblaster like a snack cracker.

  Which reminded me. “Natalia!” I shouted. “Get Erimandras! I’ll handle the Jaws!”

  “As you will!”

  She turned back toward the Overmaster’s chamber. To my surprise, the Jaws spun about and streaked away in pursuit of her. Giving chase, I rounded the corner in time to see Natalia swing her sword in a swift, brutal chop that chipped one of the deadly incisors. Before she could defend herself further, the dental destroyer swallowed her like a grave does a coffin.

  I was alone. The Jaws turned to stalk me anew, slowly herding me toward the chamber of Erimandras until I was cornered opposite his door.

  “You need not perish with your companions,” rasped the Overmaster. “Reveal to me the location of the Superwand.”

  “I told you before. I don’t know where it is. If I did know, you’re the last person I’d tell.”

  The Jaws opened wide. I stared down their metaphysical throat into the black abyss of Death. A cold breath of attar and carrion blew over me. I heard the faint sounds of a distant funeral dirge.

  “You face total, endless oblivion, Cosmo. Reconsider.”

  “I’m not afraid to die.”

  The Jaws moved closer, until the chilling teeth were almost touching me. I had no line of retreat. Every hair on my body stood stiff. Goosebumps marched across my skin. My own teeth chattered like dice in a cup. But these reactions were purely physical, instinctive. My heart and mind were calm. The Jaws might be a more literal representation of Death, but they were nothing I had not faced before. If this was how my life was to end, so be it. I had done my duty to The Gods as best I could.

  “Consider carefully, Cosmo. There is no return from the Jaws of Death.”

  “Like hellfire there isn’t!” said Mercury Boltblaster.

  Shocked at the sound of his voice, I glanced down. There he was, clinging precariously to the Lower Left Cuspid of Death. His beard and hair were shocked white as chalk, his face was drained of color, but he was alive.

  More or less.

  “Merc! You’re alive!”

  “More or less.”

  “Why won’t you die?” whined Erimandras.

  The Jaws snapped at me. I blunted the bite with Gardswell and lopped off the point of the lower right cuspid. Merc tenaciously held his place.

  The Jaws clamped shut to form a wall of enamel and shot forward, ramming me through the wall of bricks behind me. I fell to my back in the next chamber. The Jaws snatched me up and shook me like a dog with a rat. Dropping sword and shield, I wriggled free, hitting the floor and rolling to my feet. The Jaws came at me again. This time I caught them mid-bite, preventing them from closing fully.

  “Merc! Get out!”

  “Gladly.” My friend pulled himself out of the abyss and crumpled to the floor, shivering uncontrollably at my feet. Stepping over him, I continued to pit my strength against the Jaws of Death, pushing them back across the corridor and into the chamber of Erimandras.

  “What you attempt is impossible,” said the Overmaster. “Death is a certainty.”

  “Death may be certain,” I grunted, my muscles straining to their maximum. “But the Jaws of Death are not...Death itself. And your control...is fading.”

  “Fool! You cannot defeat Death! You cannot!”

  “I don’t have to...defeat Death...only you!”

  “I am Erimandras! Arcane grandmaster! Overmaster of the Dark Magic Society! I am—”

  “Fading fast, you little brat.”

  He was. The will he poured into controlling the Jaws was undoing his recovery from the Cards of Power. His thin body grew less substantial by the second. Meanwhile, the force exerted by the Jaws lessened. No longer merely holding them in check, I was now forcing them open. It occurred to me that perhaps I should be forcing them closed, but no matter.

  “You cannot defeat me,” insisted Erimandras. His voice was almost inaudible.

  “Fine. Let’s just pretend.”

  “Fool! If it takes my last breath, I will destroy you!”

  But he was too weak to make good his boast. I saw the panic on his face as he realized he had lost control. Abruptly, the Jaws of Death spun away from me, opened wide, and engulfed Erimandras and his entire bed before vanishing.

  “Good work,” said Merc, steadying himself against a wall. He collapsed. I moved to catch him, but felt my own knees buckle as the strain of being tortured, drowned, teleported, crushed by an iron frog, and nearly swallowed by the Jaws of Death all in the same day finally caught up with me.

  ***

  I dreamed. Or it seemed a dream, for I floated weightlessly upward, up through the streets of Caratha, up through the clouds and the blue veil of the sky. Up and up to a place of light and beauty and music and majesty. I stood upon a sward of fresh green grass and breathed sweet, pure air while brightly plumed birds flitted about me, chirping joyously.

  Before me was a great gate fashioned from tanium, gold, and miraculum. It was decorated with shining bands of diamond, ruby, sapphire, emerald, beryl, topaz, and dozens of other gems I could not name. Beyond the gate were streets of gold and jeweled palaces.

  “Jason Cosmo, attend us.”

  I turned to the sound of the voice. Three shining figures approached me from across the meadow. As they came nearer, I recognized the Goddess Rae, wearing a low-cut golden gown. Her companions were Arkayne, the hooded God of Magic, and the wise and wonderful Great Whoosh. I fell to my knees in homage.

  “Arise, mortal,” said Great Whoosh. “There is no need to humble yourself before us, even here at the Gates of Glory that lead to Paradise.”

  “We are pleased with your accomplishments,” said Arkayne. “Erim
andras the Overmaster is dead. The Citadel of Marn is in ruins. The souls of its victims are at last free of their torment. The Dark Magic Society is crippled by the loss of its leaders, its records, and the prospect of internal warfare. Above all, the threat of Asmodraxas has been checked, his bid to return from eternal exile thwarted.”

  “And you have reminded me of a kingdom that honors me and reunited me with my mortal line!” said Rae. “I’m so glad I became your patron goddess!”

  “As am I, O Gracious Rae. But tell me, if this be Paradise, am I dead?”

  “You are somewhat dead,” said Arkayne.

  “What does that mean?”

  Great Whoosh spoke, his voice modulated to a slight breeze. “Your battles exacted a great toll upon your body. You hover now betwixt life and death, like a coin suspended in the air. Either outcome is possible, neither is certain.”

  “So is that dead or not dead?”

  “As a reward for your service, we grant you the power to choose. You may enter the halls of Paradise and claim eternal bliss. Or you may return to your mortal life in Arden.”

  “If you stay here, you can dwell in my palace forever!” said Rae. “You’ll never have to leave my side!’

  That pretty much settled the question in my mind.

  “I choose to live, O Generous Gods.”

  “So be it,” said Great Whoosh. “I shall breathe once more the breath of life into your lungs. Don’t worry, it doesn’t involve any actual mouth-to-mouth contact. It is more of a mystical thing.”

  “I thank you. But before you do that, I’d like to ask a few questions.”

  Arkayne and Great Whoosh exchanged glances.

  “You may ask,” said Arkayne. “We may not answer.”

  “Am I truly the Mighty Champion of old? You told me before that I am of his line, but am I some manner of reincarnation?”

  “Reincarnation is not our policy,” said Arkayne. “We grant each mortal but one life to live, for good or for ill. You are most like your ancestor in courage and spirit but you are no reincarnation. You are yourself.”