by Lisa Jade
Today was… awful. Awful and wonderful and incredible. I’ve never been so scared or so happy. I’ve never felt pride before. I’ve never laughed so hard in all my life. Is this what it’s like here? If I chose to stay, would this be my life? Fighting and running and laughing all day, every day? My chest swells with joy at the thought.
Wait. No. Being here isn’t all excitement and action, is it? People have died fighting for this cause. Jay’s parents were executed.
There’s a strange, unpleasant disconnect between the fight I know and the people on Nate’s photo. If they were my parents, by some miracle, then I should care. I should grieve their loss. I should admire everything that they did. Instead, they look like perfect strangers to me.
“Atlas.”
My voice is low and throaty as I activate the Hoverbot, eager not to disturb Pan. Atlas beeps into life and hovers closely, its tiny flashing lights flickering as it waits for a command. It’s weird; it’s just a mindless machine, but I feel a sense of attachment to it already. It’s hard not to care for something you spend every moment of the day with. I sit up now, pulling the blanket up and over my shoulders. Jensen said I could ask Atlas anything. That it would recognise me as a user. So it should obey me now.
“Atlas, how did Jay’s parents die?”
Almost immediately, it projects a small screen into the air between us. It’s somewhere between a hologram and a flat image, like whatever camera recorded it was only able to gather half the detail. Some shadowed, half-blurred figure strides across a set of marbled steps. They’re holding something long and slim in one hand, and they walk with a strange sense of purpose. As I watch, the glowing screen shifts. Now it shows the view from behind the stranger; two people are chained and bound next to the glass side of the building. The video’s not clear enough to show their faces – but I recognise the woman’s shock of blonde hair.
Jay’s parents. They’re beaten and bloodied, their heads hanging as though they’re barely conscious. My chest tightens, and though I try to tell myself it’s not real, the sense of horror in my gut is all too real. This may have happened sixteen years ago – but it feels like it’s happening right now.
The figure walks a little closer to them, and I catch sight of dark hair and a long, white coat. They look more suited to working as a doctor than anything else; but as they swing back the item in their hand, I realise they’re no doctor. They’re an executioner.
“No!”
I cry out loud as the shock baton collides with the man’s throat. Though the blow itself is light, the electricity that jumps out from the device is terrible. Pained screams fill the air around me – and suddenly there are tears building in my eyes. I can’t watch this.
“Atlas, stop!”
It obeys immediately, shutting off all light and sinking onto the table across the room. Darkness and silence once again swallows me, but I don’t care. I glance across at Pan; amazingly, she’s slept through the flickering light, the screams and yelling. Thank heavens. I don’t think I want to explain why I was asking about that.
I force myself to fall back into my pillows now, though I know I won’t sleep. My hands are quivering with fear and sadness and some strange third emotion that I can’t even begin to understand. I pull the blanket tightly around myself and shut my eyes tight. The flashes of light finally fade from behind my eyelids.
Now if only I could stop the screaming echoing in my head.
The next day, there’s nothing to do. Pan explains that the Cull’s coming up in a few months. At this point, it’s too late to try and stop it altogether. So instead, the days need to be spent watching, resting, and practicing.
“Practicing what?” I ask. The question rolls off my tongue more easily now. I’ve gotten used to the constant urge of curiosity.
“Fighting, mostly. We try to find out who’s likely to be taken during the Cull and protect them. So that’s what Jensen will be doing right now.”
I nod and turn away. The memorial garden is beautiful today. The water of the river is a little cold, but I still kick my feet playfully in it. A warm summer day has caused the flowers around us to bloom, and the grass we’re sitting on is greener than ever. Atlas has settled down next to me, opening up a black panel that Pan tells me is to gather sunlight. I inhale deeply, enjoying the familiar scent of soil.
It’s strange. This place seemed so alien to me only three days ago. I remember feeling frightened as I walked into the Atrium, my heart in my throat. I’d been scared of everyone – what they could do to me, what they might think. Now? Nothing. Instead, it’s warm and comfortable and familiar.
I tug my feet from the water and fall back, laying spread eagled on the grass next to Pan. She doesn’t seem surprised. In fact, she’s reaching out a gentle hand to scoop some insect from her knee.
She doesn’t fit in here. Just like me, she stands out too much. Those sparkling green eyes and red hair are out of place by themselves, but more so than that, she’s soft. She’s not hardened like the others, though she has just as much reason to be.
“Pan…”
“Hmm?”
“How did you end up here?”
She pauses, the insect fluttering away from her. Her head sinks into her knees as she hugs them close. My chest pangs.
“You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.”
“No,” she says, “it’s fine. But I want to know why you’re asking.”
“You’re different from the others. You trusted me before anyone else, and… I don’t know. You gave me a chance when nobody else did.”
At that, she smiles.
“I had to. I learned the hard way never to abandon someone.”
Questions tug at me, but I bite back on them. Let her say what she wants.
“You know how Jay’s parents died when he was young?” she eventually says. My chest tightens.
“Yeah?”
“Well, he was really young. Like, eight years old. He really wanted to carry on his parents’ passion, but a kid can’t do that. Nate’s his cousin, though their families hadn’t been on speaking terms for years. He was a little older, so he looked after Jay.”
“Hmm.”
“Support for the Clover vanished as soon as his parents died, so for a while it was just them. Jay didn’t know what to do. Even when he got older, nobody would listen to him. He had nowhere to start.”
I sit up.
“What does this have to do with you?”
“I’m getting there,” she insists, “Jay didn’t have a clue how to gather a following. Everyone was so willing to believe whatever they were told. They were too scared to rock the boat in case they were killed off, too. Nobody cared about what was right.”
She heaves a long, pained sigh.
“I grew up on these streets. It’s tough. Thorne is just perfect – unless you’re a street urchin. Then, you’re considered scum.”
“What about your family?”
“I ran away as a kid. They were some… messed up people. I’ve been alone since I was about nine.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I’m better off without them. But I was alone one night when they carried out the Cull. The city’s database decided that it would Cull one of the homeless kids who lived nearby – a girl called Cady. She was a sweetheart. Sometimes I’d take her food that I’d nicked. I couldn’t let them do it. I attacked a guard, and before I knew it I was being chased. Once they have you in their sights, nothing will ever stop them. I was labelled a criminal for a split second of anger, and even though I got away, I knew they’d find me eventually.”
Her voice is strained now, like she’s fighting back tears. I shouldn’t have asked.
“Pan…”
“It’s fine. I escaped. I ended up in an alleyway a few miles away. I didn’t know where I was, but I knew that if I stepped outside again, they’d find me. I’d be punished. I… didn’t know what to do. I was still crying when he found me.”
I don’t need to ask wh
o ‘he’ is. The smile playing on her lips tells me everything.
“He was just a kid,” she laughs, “just like me. He asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t tell him. I thought he’d turn me in. But he didn’t. Instead, he told me who he was. He explained what had happened to his family. What he was trying to do. It sounded wonderful. He offered me a place to stay that was safe, as well as protection from those trying to hurt me. All I needed to do was take his hand.”
She stares at her own hands now, furling and unfurling her fingers.
“Of course I did, and I ended up here. Now, I’m sure that this is what I was always supposed to do. My calling, if you will. I became Second in Command and that’s been it ever since.”
I hesitate before speaking. To know Pan, I’d never suspect something like that had happened. She’s too friendly and too sweet. Guilt swirls in my chest. What right do I have to be distant and hard, when my life’s been easy by comparison?
“And you don’t regret it? Giving up everything for this life?”
“Absolutely not. I know that Jay can seem distant, but that’s not him. Not really. He’s the best person I’ve ever met. I’d do anything for him.”
I bite my lip.
“You really love him, don’t you?”
I’ve picked up on the signs. His clothes in her room. The way his gaze lingers on her. How she touches his arms, leans into him – it’s obvious there’s something there.
She simply laughs, then pushes me back down. I’m lying on the grass again, and there’s the warm air and the light feeling in my heart again. Pan stares up through the skylight, and even though I can’t see her face, I’m certain she’s smiling.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
The sound of rain breaks through my peaceful sleep. I stir, half-expecting my bunk to be soaked thanks to the hole in the bunker’s ceiling. Nel’s probably at my side right now, growling in frustration as her bunk is drenched though.
But then I hear snickering, and my eyes snap open.
I’m in the Atrium. The rain is pounding against the glass overhead, breaking through the warmth of a summer day. I’m still in the garden, on my back, the grass tickling my face. Did I fall asleep? Pan’s not sitting next to me, anymore. She’s standing behind me, talking to someone. They both chuckle, and I recognise Jay’s voice. Oh, great.
“Morning, sleepyhead.”
Pan’s voice is high and singsong as she teases me, but I simply growl.
“Please, don’t say it’s actually morning.”
“It’s not. But you’ve been napping for a few hours now.”
I sit up, ignoring the ache in my back.
“Seriously? I can’t believe I fell asleep.”
“I don’t blame you,” Jay chuckles, “Jensen’s the same. He overslept by about three hours this morning. Long day yesterday, wasn’t it?”
He’s talking to me differently, now. There’s nothing hard or distant about his voice, and as he holds out his hand for me to take, there’s an easy smile on his face. I grab his hand, surprised by the strength in his fingers.
“Ouch. Good grip.”
“You, too. Listen, we’re sparring again tonight. I know you probably aren’t interested in fistfights, but we could do with the practice. From what I hear, you’re pretty tough. Feel like helping me out? I could do with a new challenge.”
I gulp hard. The idea of facing Jay is frightening. He might be shorter than the others, but he has the same stocky build as I do. My wrists throb at the memory of being pinned on my first day here. I certainly don’t fancy fighting him.
Still, I push my fear aside and smile.
“Sure thing.”
There’s a crowd gathering tonight. They circle the sparring ring, watching as Jay paces. There’s excitement in the air. They’re all looking forward to seeing him fight. I suppose it makes sense. If he were weaker than his comrades then he wouldn’t be the leader, would he? Even so, when I compare him to Nate and his oversized limbs, I find it hard to imagine that he’s a heavy hitter. He glances my way.
“Are you ready?”
His voice is calm, patient. He’s giving me an out. If I say no, he won’t force me; but there’s sense of hope in his eyes. I can back out, sure, but only at the risk of disappointing him. And I can’t bring myself to do that.
“Yeah,” I lie, “I’m ready.”
He glances around, a sly smile playing on his lips.
“Lots of people here tonight.”
“They’re excited to see you fight, aren’t they?”
My hesitation must show on my face, because he shoots me a reassuring look.
“Don’t worry so much. It’s just because I normally don’t join in. I prefer to train in private. Besides, this isn’t a fight, remember?”
I bite my lip.
“I don’t understand how I’m supposed to help. I don’t know how to fight – I just throw my weight around and hope for the best.”
“That’s exactly why I asked you. From what I hear, you’re slow but strong. We’re not used to that. The Guards usually use these, long, electrified batons, so it’s usually speed that saves the day for us.”
“Batons?”
I give an involuntary shudder. They’re likely not quite the same thing, but suddenly my mind is filled with thoughts of the cattle shockers from the Mill. They’re a short, sharp pain for the animal– but the Guards have been known to modify them and turn them on disobedient workers. On a human, they do some serious damage. A person’s lucky to survive full contact with one; and even if they do, the scars and pain are terrible. I think of the video Atlas showed me and shake the thought from my head.
“You know about them?” he asks.
“Yeah. Kind of.”
He watches quietly for a moment, perhaps waiting for me to explain. When I don’t he just shrugs, then waves me into the ring.
“Okay, normal rules. Let’s see how I do against a different kind of opponent. I’ll try not to land any hard blows, okay? If you want to try to hit me, aim for the chest. Bigger target.”
If I try to hit him? So he thinks he’ll be so fast that I won’t be able to lay a hand on him? Something rebellious flares in my chest and I tense, lifting my arms in preparation. This time, I’m not scared. Now I know there are no repercussions for fighting, the fear is gone. All that remains is subtle excitement at the thought of sparring again.
“Go!”
My first blow hits air. Jay dodges me easily, then twists and locks a hand around my arm. My weight shifts as he tries to throw me, but I’m too heavy – I lock my knees instead and pull, wrenching my wrist from his grip. He just laughs.
“You gotta think faster!”
I don’t reply; I just lower my shoulder and barge his way. Again he steps side at the last moment, tries to catch me as I pass – and this time, it works. My knees hit the ground but I’m standing again quickly, and this time when I swing my fist his way, the blow lands.
That’s it. Just like last time, I expect him to crumple from the force of the blow. But he doesn’t. Instead, he staggers back, looks momentarily surprised, then laughs. My frustration builds. Is he trying to annoy me?
This time, he kicks out – and it’s the last thing I expect. His foot catches my leg and sends me sprawling onto the ground. Before I can move, he’s got me pinned. My body strains under his weight, but he simply chuckles.
“Give up?” he teases, delight dancing behind his eyes.
I sigh.
“Y-yeah.”
When Jay finally lets me up, my face is burning. The humiliation runs deep. I’d been concerned about that match – but I hadn’t expected to lose so quickly, and certainly not so thoroughly. The others cheer for him, clap his back, chant his name. In their eyes, their leader just won a match.
In my eyes, I just lost.
But then he holds out a hand to me.
“You okay?”
I take it hesitantly, a little afraid he might try to pin me again, but he doesn’t. He just
pulls me onto my feet.
“Pan was right. You do hit hard.”
“You didn’t even react.”
“That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. I just didn’t let you know it.”
“What was that?” I blurt, “how did you beat me so easily when you didn’t even throw a punch?”
“I was trying to use your weight against you. You might be strong, but you’ve got bad balance. I figured all I had to do was knock you off kilter and you’d be easy to pin. Looks like I was right.”
I swallow back the embarrassment.
“That wasn’t much help, was it?”
“No, no. It was helpful. People in the city aren’t built like you. They’re really tall and thin, so they’re easy enough to bring down with a little force. It was interesting to spar with someone like you.”
Somewhere in there, tucked away in his words, I’m sure there’s an insult.
This is strange, right? He could be my brother, but we were just fighting. I suppose it could be labelled a sibling rivalry by some, except that there’s no real rivalry there. Siblings tease each other sometimes, don’t they? Maybe that’s what it was. I suppose I can think of it positively if it’s something like that.
A small voice in my head objects to the warmth in my chest.
But he might not be your brother.
I sit quietly for the rest of the evening, nursing my fresh bruises and sore ego. As expected, Jay manages to best nearly everyone he faces. He really does know how to use people’s skills against them; the only person he doesn’t beat with ease is Pan, and I suspect that’s due to his obvious soft spot for her.
Their relationship strikes me as odd. They never outwardly show affection, but there’s a sense of intimacy there. Like they understand the situation but simply choose not to act upon their feelings. Still, it’s sweet. I can’t help but smile as I watch them laugh together.
Even though my cheeks are still red from my loss, and my back is aching from being pinned, I’m happy. There’s so much joy in the space around me and I absorb it, revelling in it.
I’m so happy here. Already, this place feels like home.
But it’s not.
My joy is tinged with sadness as I watch them, and while their laughter makes me smile, I can feel a small, building sense of loss. Tomorrow, I have to go back.