Clover

by Lisa Jade

  The others stand impatiently behind me. I get it. They’re terrified, and want to reach the haven I told them about before something else happens. I can already feel a hint of resentment in the air between us – something I choose to ignore. They’ll forgive me later.

  “Who the hell are you?”

  Jay’s voice is firm and steady as he steps up behind me. The distant sound of chaos has faded now, something I’d been too distracted to notice. The others are behind me, too, and clearly don’t recognise me in my near-black, filthy clothes.

  My heart hurts. After missing him for so long, he’s so close I can hear his breath in my ear. I reach up, pulling my hood down and shaking my hair free.

  His eyes widen; clearly, I was the last thing he expected to see. I don’t blame him. I think I’d feel the same. I open my mouth to say something, anything. Comforting, funny, stupid. It doesn’t matter, I tell myself. Just say something. Nothing comes – as usual.

  Jay lets out a sound akin to a hiccup, and suddenly he’s pulled me close. His grip is tight but mine is tighter as I return the embrace, burying my filthy face in the cloth of his collar. If I’m getting dirt on him, he doesn’t seem to care. He’s warm and familiar and safe.

  A moment later he loosens his grip just enough to meet my eyes – I can see my very own shade of grey-blue reflected back at me, a family resemblance so strong I can’t believe I ever questioned it.

  “Where have you been?”

  It takes all the strength I have to respond.

  “I… got lost for a little while. But I’m home, now.”

  His smile broadens, but then he spots the others and his eyes narrow.

  “Who are they?”

  “They’re my friends. From the Mill.”

  His lips part, perhaps to scold me, perhaps to congratulate me. But then something bangs in the main street behind us, and alarm flits through the group.

  “You can tell me everything when we’re safe,” he splutters, “you guys hop on.”

  Pan’s sitting on her bike already, a broad smile dominating her tiny face. She waves for me to get on the back – I do so immediately, instructing the others to do the same. As hesitant as they seem, my sudden mood shift seems to reassure them that there’s no immediate danger, and they soon follow suit.

  I’m surprised that Pan hasn’t said anything yet. The others behind them seem to vaguely recognise me, but seem to realise they shouldn’t get involved. But as we take off speeding down the road, I can feel Pan smiling. She speeds up a little and we jolt; my hands instinctively lock around her waist and she laughs.

  “I thought you were too prudish for that.”

  “So you are going to speak to me.”

  “I figured you two needed your moment. But I really am happy to see you. I’m happy you came back.”

  “What do you mean?”

  He expression falters momentarily, but that split second seems to compound all my most deep-seated fears.

  “What is it?” I demand.

  “Nothing, really. It’s just… it’s been a while. We were scared that something had happened to you.”

  Her voice sounds strained when she says that, she’s frightened to say it, and I can see why. I’ve been gone so long without a signal from the transmitter that they must have thought something horrible had happened. I look towards the front of the group. Jay leads as he always does, his shoulders back proudly, his head lowered into the wind. For the last few months, did he assume I wasn’t coming back? That I’d changed my mind and decided to stay at the Mill? Perhaps he thought I’d betrayed them somehow. The thought is almost painful, and I heave a long, strangled sigh.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper, “I never meant to be gone for so long. Things happened, and…”

  “Don’t worry about it. You’re back now. Heck, you even brought friends. That’s all that matters – we can figure out the rest.”

  She glances back at me, those clear, beautiful eyes lighting up with her smile, and some childish part of me smiles back. She’s right. Everything that’s happened up until now doesn’t matter, or at least diminishes in importance in the light of day. It doesn’t matter that Kane still hates me, or that I’ve ripped Darus away from his family. Leaving Wirrow injured in the dust and being betrayed by Eagen is awful, but it’s fine. Now I’m back amongst the glass spires and familiar streets, I know that everything will be okay.

  We arrive at the tunnels under the cover of darkness. Judging by the look on Jay’s face, they didn’t intend to be gone so long – everyone within the Atrium will be fast asleep by now.

  As we dismount the bikes, he turns to me. The initial rush of the reunion has started to wear off and while I’m still overjoyed to see him, my tiredness is starting to catch up with me. I glance at the others. Their faces reflect my own feelings, and the desire to curl up and get some much-deserved sleep.

  “You guys look exhausted,” says Jay, “I suppose you don’t want to sit down and go through everything right now?”

  I shake my head, much to the others’ approval.

  “Can we talk in the morning?”

  My voice comes out much softer than I would have expected, much weaker. I’m so thoroughly worn out that I can’t even bring myself to speak at full volume. I clear my throat and try again.

  “Please.”

  “Of course. We’ll go over things then.”

  Jay shoots the others a concerned look; he doesn’t know who they are, doesn’t know why they’re here. It makes sense he’d feel threatened by their presence. But as I take a step towards them and place a hand on each of their shoulders in turn, he seems to settle.

  “I assume your friends will need some clothes and a bed. I think there’s a spare room opposite Pan’s – we can keep you all close that way.”

  For a moment I move to object, to insist I’ll stay with the others. But then I remember the unending cosiness of my bunk, and realise that after everything, I want nothing more than to return to the same room.

  “Are you guys okay with that?” I ask. They nod, hesitant, as though afraid to speak out loud. I laugh.

  “It’s okay. These are my friends. This is Pan, and this is my brother, Jay.”

  They look up, glancing between us as though searching for that tell-tale sign to confirm it.

  “Oh yeah,” mutters Darus, “I see it now. He looks like you.”

  For some reason, it makes me happy to hear that. I look back at Jay, tracing his face for more of those familiar signs. The same dark brows, the same mid-blonde hair. If not for how dark my tan is, nobody would question that we were related. It’s almost funny.

  Jay just smiles.

  “We’re pleased to meet all of you. I understand you’ve had a long journey – please, come with us. We’ll set you up some beds and find some clean clothes for you.”

  They set up the others in the room just across from us. They seem a little hesitant as they pull the door shut, but I quietly assure them that it’s safe here. That everything is going to be okay. Darus and Sara seem to believe me at least, even if Kane shoots daggers at my back as I leave.

  “Perhaps I should stay with them,” I mutter. Pan shakes her head.

  “Just let them rest for now. You guys have been through a lot, I can tell.”

  “That’s an understatement if I ever heard one. There’s a lot to tell you.”

  She watches me for a moment, torn between asking what happened or letting me explain when I’m ready. My throat aches with the desire to tell her everything; but then I remember how heavy my eyelids are, how overwhelmed everybody seems to be. I allow her to pull me into our old room.

  For a moment, I take everything in. It’s surprising just how much I’ve missed such a nondescript room. But there it is, metal sheets and rivets lining every surface. There’s a small table and a collection of chairs, and two beds with a number of colourful blankets piled high. In my absence, Pan’s even strung a few fairy lights across my bed. There’s a small, stuffed toy tuc
ked against the pillow.

  “Miss this place?” she asks. She’s got that nervousness on her face again, like she doesn’t know what to say. I give a small nod and peel off my damaged clothing before collapsing into the bed.

  “I’ve kept the bed made for you,” Pan’s saying, “the others weren’t so sure, but I figured you’d be back soon…”

  She’s still talking when I fall asleep.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  I wake to the sensation of several pairs of eyes watching me. It’s strange how, even in a daze, I can tell someone’s standing near the bunk. Sure enough, when I open my eyes there are figures standing in the room. They’re not facing me, not staring at me – but their eyes linger on me as I lie curled into a ball, blanket pulled up over my head.

  “I can’t believe it,” someone says. I recognise the voice as Nate’s – but there’s something strange in his tone. Something unsure. They haven’t noticed my eyes flutter open. They think I’m still asleep.

  “Have the others woken up yet?” asks Pan. He shakes his head.

  “No. They’re so tired.”

  “Who are the others, anyway? Has anyone checked?”

  “They’re locked in for now, while they sleep. They won’t do any harm - we’d best wait to hear the full story.”

  That was Jay. He stands just inside the room, his back to the wall. His face is bathed in shadow.

  “Stop panicking,” he says, “Noah will tell us everything.”

  “I know. I just… I wonder what took so long. It’s been months. No signal from the transmitter, no contact from Rian. Nothing – and then she just shows up. I’m sure something awful must have happened.”

  At that I force myself to sit up, pulling the blanket around myself as I do so. I’m still wearing my vest and undershorts from the Mill, but they’re torn to shreds and probably aren’t doing much to hide my modesty. I don’t feel quite as well-rested as I’d hoped, but at least yesterday wasn’t a dream. We really did come home.

  For a moment, nobody speaks. They eye me curiously, their expressions unreadable.

  “Okay,” I say, “this is getting annoying now. You’ve all been weird since yesterday. What’s with you?”

  “We’re sorry,” Pan replies, “it’s just been so long. We were worried you’d got hurt. Or… something.”

  I look between them, and finally understand the look in their eyes. It isn’t betrayal or anger or mistrust; it’s fear mingled with relief. I sit up slowly, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. Suddenly I don’t care who sees my legs or stomach. It doesn’t matter.

  “Hold up. Did… did you guys think I wasn’t coming back?”

  My question is met with silence, but as I meet Pan’s eyes she looks away. I’m right. They did. When I hadn’t come back after all those months, they assumed I had changed my mind. That I’d betrayed them. Back at the Mill, I’d been frightened of slipping back into my old way of thinking. I’d been sure that when I arrived home, I’d tell Jay how he was right for not wanting me to go – because I couldn’t do it. Because I hadn’t changed.

  But I have. The old Noah likely wouldn’t have survived all this. She wouldn’t have tried to escape the mines. Wouldn’t have blown up a Guard or snuck across the ocean or escaped from someone hoping to betray her. She would have lowered her head and been afraid, and apologised to those in charge because it was easier than daring to rock the boat. She would never have questioned anything – but me? I would. I do.

  “I can’t believe you guys!”

  I intend to sound angry, but it doesn’t work. Instead, laughter bursts forth. I can’t even explain why; perhaps it’s that nobody expected this, not even me.

  Jay stares.

  “Y-you’re not mad?”

  “No! I don’t blame you! For a while there, I figured I’d never get out. I had planned to apologise and tell you I should never have gone, but you know what? I did it!”

  I wrap a hand in my hair, pride and laughter mingling in my chest.

  “I did it. It took three months, and I got thrown in the mines, and I ended up getting shot at by the Guards, but I still did it!”

  “You what?” cries Pan. Jay steps forward, concern in his eyes.

  “Are you hurt?”

  “I’m fine. I’m just… realising how insane it’s been. The transmitter broke, and Nel wasn’t there, and there was this explosion…”

  “It’s alright,” he tells me, “just tell us everything from the beginning.”

  Despite their hesitation at the start, it doesn’t take long for the others to feel involved. Soon enough they’re sitting on the bunks with me and Pan, eyes wide as they listen intently. Jay wraps a protective arm around me, and though I can feel his worry rising during the more dangerous parts of my story, he also seems proud. When I finally finish, they all shake their heads.

  “That sounds awful,” Pan coos, “but I’m so glad you’re back. Are you sure you’re all okay?”

  “We’re fine. But they’re nervous, you know. Scared of what might happen. I hope it’s okay that I brought them back.”

  I turn to Jay now, who nods.

  “Of course. Without the transmitter, bringing them here physically was the next best thing. We can run their DNA through Maynard’s system later today and find out if they’re citizens, too.”

  “I’m just sorry there are only three of them. I know Jensen needed five.”

  “I’m sure it’ll be fine. This will still help to confirm whether our theory’s true or not.”

  Even though I smile at that, a frightening thought occurs to me. What if the theory is wrong? What if I really am the exception to the rule? I’ve dragged the others halfway across the world, assuming it was worthwhile. Darus left his family. I don’t even want to know how Kane will react if this turns sour.

  Jay seems to notice my hesitation, and squeezes my shoulder playfully.

  “Even if they’re not, you know we won’t turn them away. We’ll never turn anyone away, especially not someone who helped us out.”

  “I know. Let’s just hope it works out. We’ll have to get Jensen to set everything up.”

  At that, Jay’s jaw drops.

  “Whoops.”

  “What?”

  “Uh, nobody told Jensen you were back. It was so late last night that nobody’s spoken to him yet, and he was probably too busy monitoring the Guard activities to notice anything.”

  Somehow, the thought excites me.

  “I’ll go pay him a visit then, shall I? Let me just get cleaned up and talk to the others first.”

  I feel like a new woman as I stride down the metal hallways of our little base. A quick shower and some fresh clothes have left me feeling wonderful. The others are on a tour with Pan, just as I did during my first day here – and though I feel I should have gone with them, there’s little time to waste.

  Jay’s already versed me on his plans. We’ll hijack the Feed during one of the leaders’ pre-Cull speeches. Jensen will air all the data we have, all that he’s collected over the past few months. About how the Cull might be a lie, about how there have been no signs of the war outside our borders in years. All the truths about their lies. He’ll make it available on every system, every device. Everyone will know.

  Then, we’ll go all out. We’ll run into the streets and encourage the citizens to fight back by whatever means necessary. But to get to that point, we need Jensen and his computers.

  As I nudge open the door to his room, I spot him in his usual position. He’s got his back to me. His shoulders are hunched, casting a stark silhouette against the white of the screen before him. Half-built devices litter his room, including a particularly sad-looking crimson Hoverbot I never noticed before. He doesn’t seem to hear me enter.

  For a moment, I just watch. I remember when he asked me to help him with his cameras. At the time I hadn’t questioned his motives, but now I do. He probably wanted to check who I really was, and figured that catching me alone for a few minutes wo
uld be enough. I remember the story he’d told me about a rebellious teen who gave up everything to sit at that screen and work. The way he’d smiled told me he considered it more than worthwhile. At the time I’d thought he was crazy but now, not so much.

  “You’ll damage your eyes if you sit that close to the screen.”

  He whips round at the sound of my voice, and those intelligent eyes widen in shock.

  “Noah!”

  He stands in a hurry, moves towards me, and promptly trips over his own feet. I bite back on my laughter. This is a serious moment. He regains what little composure he can and lurches towards me.

  “Y-you’re back!”

  “Looks that way, huh?”

  “Where the hell have you been?” he barks – but though there’s a hint of anger in his voice, he still wraps one arm haphazardly around me. Heat fills my cheeks.

  “You really did miss me, didn’t you? And here I thought you were teasing.”

  “You know something, so did I. Guess I called my own bluff.”

  I puff out my cheeks in mock offence, but he just smiles that awkward smile. Suddenly, I realise how much I missed that funny face of his.

  “For what it’s worth, I missed you too.”

  At that he averts his eyes, glancing at the ground like I’ve just scolded him. But then he shakes it off, regarding me with renewed interest. I glance down at myself too; I’m wearing jeans and a soft grey t-shirt, and my trusty boots have been replaced by some oddly comfortable slip-ons Pan pushed onto me. My hair is pale again now that it’s free of dirt, and seems to fall back into the style she had so meticulously carved it into. If not for the dull ache in my ribs, I’d wonder if the whole thing had been a dream.

  “I have something for you,” he says suddenly. He darts past and begins digging in the pile of computers propped against one wall. He pulls something out; and I feel my face split into a grin as he places a familiar-looking green Hoverbot in front of me.