It Was Always You

by Georgie Capron

  Luckily, she had plenty of other distractions to keep her mind occupied during daylight hours: business was booming at the bed and breakfast as word spread that L’Albero di Limoni had reopened. Libby was thrilled with how the rooms had turned out. Each one had its own theme, inspired by the five-star hotel she had stayed at with Luca. She had kept some of the brickwork exposed and had chosen beautiful floral fabrics for the curtains and bedspreads. She filled the rooms with fresh flowers from the garden each day, took care of the laundry, which they were doing themselves for the time being to save money, and made sure each room was sparkling clean and spotless. Angus and his DIY skills were put to good use whenever something broke down or needed a quick repair. The local suppliers delivered fresh produce each day for the breakfasts and Libby had invested in a top-of-the-range coffee machine just like the one at La Casetta. Each time a guest departed, she asked them to write a review on TripAdvisor. She thought she might burst with pride as more and more four- and five-star ratings appeared on her page throughout the months of September and October. She was immensely proud of her achievements, as was Angus. Every time he told her just how proud he was, she felt as though her heart might burst with love for him.

  It was becoming clear that she was going to have to do something about it soon, to say something to him about how she felt. She had no idea how he would react, but it was becoming harder and harder for her to hide her feelings. Every time she saw him she wanted to kiss him, to hold him close and never let him go. Every time he brushed past her or ruffled her hair she would have a physical reaction to the contact that took her breath away. It was becoming impossible to bear.

  Angus’s studio was nearly complete, and he had already built up a huge bank of sketches and photographs in preparation for getting started on his first Italian-inspired series of canvases. She found his passion and talent so attractive, adding to her feelings for him all the more.

  Before she knew it, November had rolled around the corner, and, along with it, Angus’s birthday. ‘So what do you want to do for your big day?’ asked Libby.

  ‘I was hoping we could go out for dinner, maybe?’ Angus suggested, looking up from the article he was reading.

  ‘Just the two of us?’

  ‘Yes. Unless ... you want to bring someone?’ he asked, looking somewhat worried at the prospect. God knows who he thought she would want to invite!

  ‘No, no! Of course not!’ Libby laughed. The look in his eyes had ignited a flicker of hope deep inside her, but she was quick to extinguish it, not wishing to give her vivid imagination an ounce of encouragement.

  ‘Great,’ Angus smiled.

  ‘Let me choose where,’ Libby said. ‘It’ll be more of a birthday treat if it’s a surprise. I’ll see if Francesca can babysit.’

  ‘OK. That would be lovely,’ Angus said.

  Libby spent a lot of time choosing where to take him. For some reason it seemed a big deal to her that she got it right. She almost felt as if she was planning a date, but she was incredibly out of practice at doing that. She looked through the list of recommended local restaurants that she had been collecting so as to be able to advise her guests. Lizzy had told her about a place that she was particularly keen to try. She had described it as an indoor garden, full of plants, candles and fairy lights. She thought it sounded right up their street.

  On the evening of Angus’s birthday, Libby changed into a new teal dress that complemented her green eyes perfectly. She had teamed it with gold jewellery and some flat pumps, not wishing to look as if she’d made too much effort. They had booked a taxi so they could enjoy a few drinks, leaving Izzy tucked up in bed under the watchful eye of Francesca. When they arrived they went straight into the restaurant to find their seats. It was perfect. Candles glowed softly from the centre of each table; the ceiling was covered with fairy lights that twinkled amid a canopy of ivy. Libby looked up from her menu and her heart flipped as she saw Angus looking at her, his face creased into the smile she loved more than any other.

  The waiter poured them a glass of prosecco each. ‘Happy birthday!’ she said as she chinked her glass against his. She gave him his present, a book of beautiful prints by a local artist that Angus had been admiring of late.

  ‘Thank you,’ he said, leaning across the table to kiss her. She could smell the trace of a new aftershave lingering against his skin. It was slightly spicy. The combination of the scent of his aftershave and being in such close proximity to him had catapulted her heart around her ribcage like a trapped bird making a bid for freedom.

  ‘Thanks, Libs. What a place! It’s like the secret garden – I love it!’ he said. His eyes shone brightly as he took in his surroundings.

  ‘I hope you like the food too. There are only a few things on the menu.’

  They placed their orders: pasta to start and a local speciality beef dish for their main course. They chose a bottle of red wine to go with their meal.

  After their starters had been cleared away, their beef arrived on a huge carving board. Angus sliced it up and shared it between their plates. They had a selection of sauces to accompany the meat, which was tender and pink and perfectly cooked.

  ‘This is absolutely delicious,’ Angus said as he devoured his plateful of food.

  ‘A good recommendation from Lizzy,’ Libby agreed. They ordered a mixed plate of desserts to share for pudding, including panna cotta and chocolate fondant, along with another bottle of wine, this time a sweet pudding wine. Libby was beginning to feel a little tipsy. When they had finished their pudding, she leaned slightly closer to Angus across the table. Emboldened by the wine, she decided to ask the question that had been lingering on her mind all evening. She knew that Angus had signed his divorce papers that week. The whole process had taken a long time to complete since that initial conversation with Jules. Libby and Angus hadn’t really talked about it, and Libby was dying to find out how he felt about the whole thing.

  ‘How was it… signing the papers? Does it feel weird knowing that it’s finally over?’ She hesitated as soon as she asked, not sure whether it had been a good idea to bring up the topic of Jules and Angus’s failed marriage. She was worried that it might spoil their lovely meal. Angus paused and rolled the wine around the balloon of his glass, watching the amber liquid rise and fall as he did so.

  ‘Do you know what, Libs, it made me think about everything that happened last year. I sort of tested myself to see how I feel and ... I think I’ve finally made peace with it all.’

  ‘Really?’ Libby asked.

  ‘Yes, I think so. It’s so strange. If Jules hadn’t left me, I doubt that I would have had the courage to do anything about it. I like to say it’s because I wouldn’t want to have broken my wedding vows, but I think it also comes down to a fear of the unknown. I wasn’t really happy and I hadn’t been for some time. I knew it, but I was unwilling to admit it fully to myself because then I would have been forced to do something about it. And that would have caused so much upset, to Jules, or so I naïvely thought, that I’m not sure I would have had the courage.’

  ‘I can see that,’ Libby said.

  ‘It feels good to have drawn a line under it all, to be legally unbound by the vows that I made all those years ago. What about you? How do you feel about the whole thing? Do you ever miss Luca still, in that way?’ He gazed at her intently and she wondered whether she should say something, whether she should tell him how she was really feeling.

  ‘I did miss him, an awful lot, to begin with. But I wonder whether I missed him for himself or as a second pair of hands, a companion…someone to share my life with. The fact that he is Izzy’s father made us seem like such an obvious, foregone conclusion. For us to be together and make it work would make Izzy so happy, in such a secure family unit, that we knew we had to do everything we could to give our relationship a chance. But it just wasn’t enough for him. I think in hindsight I could tell that he wasn’t happy, but I was so focused on Izzy and work that I didn’t really stop to pay muc
h attention.’

  ‘I feel a bit like that about Jules,’ Angus said.

  ‘I keep coming back to what would have happened if I hadn’t got pregnant.’

  ‘What do you think would have happened?’

  ‘I think it’s more than likely that I would have come back to England as planned; that we would have had every intention of making it work, but it would have fizzled out as a long-distance relationship. Without the promise, or threat, of impending fatherhood, I’m sure Luca would never have moved away from Positano. He loves it so much. So I think maybe we were never quite meant to be.’

  ‘When you think about him now, how does it make you feel?’

  ‘I think I’ve accepted it. And actually there are so many positives. Without everything that happened, we wouldn’t be here now. We wouldn’t have L’Albero di Limoni. I wouldn’t have Izzy…’

  ‘Would you say you have moved on?’

  ‘I would,’ she said firmly. ‘Do you think you have?’ Her heart was drumming loudly in her ears and she realised she was holding her breath. The atmosphere between them seemed to have shifted up a gear. She forgot about everyone else in the restaurant; all she could see was Angus sitting in front of her, smiling at her with such fondness that a hope she hardly dared imagine swelled irrepressibly within her.

  He didn’t say anything. He looked as though he wanted to, but it was as if he didn’t know how to find the words. He took her hand and squeezed it, stroking the side of her hand with his thumb. Taking a deep breath he said, ‘Libby I feel there’s something I should tell you…’

  She felt riddled with tension; she didn’t know what to say, so she just smiled at him and waited, hardly daring to breathe. Could he be feeling the same way?

  Angus took a deep breath in. ‘I’ve been offered the chance to host a solo exhibition in New York…’ he said.

  Libby felt the air force out of her lungs in a sharp exhalation. She felt sick to the bottom of her stomach. ‘New York?’ she repeated, dumbstruck, her voice strangely high-pitched. It was the last thing she had been expecting. She felt her eyes well with tears. She dug her nails into the palm of her left hand to stop herself from crying. ‘Wow! That’s amazing…’ she forced herself to smile despite the wave of despair that was coursing through her.

  Angus looked at her, his eyes searching, clearly desperate to see how she would react. She was determined not to let him see her vulnerability. She had completely failed in her resolve not to become dependent on him. She would not let him see how desperately she needed him, how desperately she loved him.

  ‘My agent rang me last week. I didn’t want to say anything until I had thought it through properly.’

  ‘I assume this means you will be going to America?’ Libby asked, hoping beyond hope that he would say no, that he would tell her he couldn’t leave her and Izzy.

  ‘It would be dependent on me doing a series of landscapes based in the US. I can choose anywhere I like. And yes, I would have to relocate there for a while. I think it might be good for me… a new beginning…’

  Libby felt her bottom lip wobble. ‘But haven’t you had a new start, a new beginning here?’ she asked. ‘We’ve just got your studio ready, you were about to start painting again…’

  ‘I know. And if you will allow me to I hope that I can keep that, as soon as this is over I will come back and pick up where I left off. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, it’s now or never. As much as I have loved setting up L’Albero di Limoni with you, I think you will be okay now without me. At least for a while…’

  ‘How long will you be going?’ she asked.

  ‘Probably six months or so?’

  Libby nodded. She felt utterly sick at the thought. He might meet someone new in that time. He might settle in New York and that would be it. He would still be a partner to her but only on paper. She would never see him, Izzy would never see him. Her heart felt like it was breaking into a thousand pieces.

  ‘I’m really happy for you,’ she said, squeezing his hand and then withdrawing her own from his grasp. ‘It’s an incredible opportunity, I can see why you want to take it.’

  Angus was still looking at her with intense concentration. He was trying to read her and she diverted her eyes so that he could not. She raised her hand and flagged down the waiter, asking for the bill.

  ‘It’s my treat,’ she said, batting away his hand as he reached for his credit card. ‘It’s your birthday dinner.’ She was suddenly desperate to leave.

  She paid the bill and they continued to talk through his plans. His words fell on deaf ears. Her head was spinning and she felt as though she had gone onto autopilot as they called a taxi and made their way home, relieving Francesca of her babysitting duties. Desperate for an escape to retreat to her own room before her tears spilt over she told Angus that she had a headache. He kissed her goodnight. She could barely stand it. She closed the bedroom door behind her and let silent tears spill down her cheeks. She held her breath in an attempt not to let him hear her ragged breathing, should he be listening outside the door.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  The next day Libby tried her best to put on a brave face, going about her daily routine as if nothing had happened. The news of Angus’s imminent departure at the end of the month hung over her like a black cloud. Every time she thought of him leaving she felt sheer panic. She had already lost Luca, she couldn’t bear the thought of losing him too. She tried to tell herself it was only temporary, that he would be back before she knew it, but she knew just how unlikely that was. A single, attractive, successful man in New York would be snapped up by anyone in their right mind. She had been mad to think he had feelings for her beyond friendship. It was just as she had suspected all along. He loved her in a platonic way, just as she had done. It was only her feelings that had utterly spiralled out of control. It would be better if he never found out. To think how close she had come to telling him…

  As they ate their dinner that evening, Angus said ‘Are you okay, Libs? You’ve been quite quiet today. I just want to check everything is alright. If you don’t want me to leave, please tell me… I realise it might feel too much for you to cope with being here by yourself with Izzy. I’m sure I can ask for a delay. I don’t want to leave you if you aren’t ready…’

  ‘No, it’s fine. I’ll be fine…I don’t want you to feel trapped here, trapped by our business. You were only every meant to be here temporarily, I knew that all along.’

  Suddenly, without warning she burst into tears. Noisy, gasping sobs escaped her and there was nothing she could do to stop them. She put her head in her hands, trying to calm her breathing down. This was awful. How could she explain her reaction to Angus without giving her feelings away?

  ‘Libby!’ Angus was out of his chair in seconds. He darted across to her and wrapped her in his arms. ‘Don’t cry! What’s the matter?’

  She pulled away and looked into his eyes. They were so full of love that for a moment she was thrown. She didn’t know how she could explain herself.

  ‘I’m sorry. It’s silly really. I’m embarrassed… I’m fine, truly.’

  He kept looking at her, those blue eyes searching hers. ‘Really?’ he said.

  She nodded weakly.

  There was a long pause. Angus looked as though he was about to say something. She held his gaze and smiled through her tears.

  ‘Look, Libby. The truth is, there is someone I have fallen for since Jules…’ he said.

  Her heart skipped several beats. She felt an icy shiver run slowly down her spine. Her eyes filled involuntarily with tears once again.

  He looked really nervous. He took a steadying breath as if to calm himself. ‘Libby, there’s a reason why I think I should leave… I don’t really know how to say this. Things have become rather complicated….’

  She held her breath.

  ‘Libby, the thing is… I think I have fallen in love with you…I know you don’t feel the same way. When the offer came for a fresh start i
n New York I thought it would be the perfect way to get me away from you, to give me a chance to stop loving you. Being in such close proximity to you every single day is driving me mad…I am so sorry. You must think I’m crazy…I promised myself I wouldn’t say anything. The last thing I want is to make you feel awkward, to ruin our friendship, I just feel I should explain why I need to go…’

  Her stomach lurched as though she had just taken a step off the edge of a cliff. She couldn’t believe her ears. ‘Angus, I…’ The words caught in her throat and she couldn’t speak. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she took in what he had just told her. He was looking so worried. Her heart melted. She hardly dared believe it could be true. She felt so full of love for him, it was as if her heart was overflowing; she had never experienced anything like it.

  ‘I love you too,’ she whispered, smiling through her tears. ‘I have fallen completely in love with you too. Please, don’t go… I can’t bear the thought of you being apart from me for even one day, let alone six months…’ In a flash, Angus’s expression changed from anxious worry to relief and then unbounded joy.

  ‘I can’t believe it,’ he said, his breath coming out in a rush. ‘I vowed to myself I wouldn’t say anything. I thought you were going to think I was completely insane, that I was going to ruin our working relationship, our friendship, and that would have just destroyed me. I thought the best thing to do was put thousands of miles between us, but when I saw you crying, your reaction to my leaving gave me a shred of hope I hardly dared to believe. I just couldn’t keep it to myself any longer.’