Only With You

by Gray, Cecilia

  "Like Knight."

  Anne squinted her eyes and gave Emma a puzzled look, and for a moment, Emma wondered if Anne could see through her facade to how she felt inside. To the jealousy and darkness she was trying hard to bury for the sake of the people she cared about.

  "Yeah, Knight's a great guy," Anne said. "He's a great example that there are other guys out there. Guys like Knight, like you said. With the right guy, at the right time, I can fall in love again. I can find someone else."

  Emma felt like she wanted to crawl under the covers and not come back out. Not if it meant living out the rest of the school year with Knight and Anne as in love as the rest of her friends. Could she stand watching them feed each other lunch? Holding hands in the hall? Napping under the tree on warm afternoons, their limbs entwined?

  As Anne smiled at Emma, looking hopeful, looking happy, looking for all the world like she was feeling normal again, Emma realized that yes. She'd hate it. She'd hate herself. She'd hate the world. But for her dearest friends to have found each other? Yes, she could stand it.

  * * *

  By midnight, Emma had had enough. She sent Knight a text.

  911. My room. Now.

  She didn't ponder the wisdom of sending a text to the guy that her girlfriend liked at midnight. She only knew that the doubt and uncertainty felt like a crushing stone on her chest, and if she didn't try to push it off, she'd suffocate.

  She paced her room, waiting. For a full minute, she thought maybe he wouldn't come, but then she heard him climb the stairs. He didn't knock. He flung open the door, breathing hard having run up the stairs.

  For a brief moment, Emma allowed herself the fantasy of Knight palming her face, pulling her lips to his. Of his hands running up and down her back, threading into her hair. Of wrapping herself around him. The sensations felt so real she ached with them.

  Then she pressed her pointed finger into his chest. "Anne has been through enough heartache and confusion with Rick and Josh without you leading her on, too."

  "I'm not." Knight crinkled his forehead. "Emma, is that what this is about? I wouldn't lead Anne on."

  He wasn't leading Anne on…which meant he must genuinely like her, must genuinely be interested.

  "Good." Her voice trembled. She shoved her finger into his chest again for good measure. "Because Anne is one of my best friends, and if you do anything to hurt her—"

  Knight's hand closed around her finger, and he gently pulled it back. Emma realized she was breathing heavily and looked down. She focused on her breathing because each breath in pushed her feelings down her throat so they wouldn't come spilling out. Had Josh been right? Was she a coward?

  His hand shifted, moved, so his fingers entwined with hers, and she let him do it because it felt nice. Better than nice. It felt right and wonderful, the way she'd possibly always known it would. She pulled her hand back and tilted her head up to stare at Knight's face.

  "What's going on here, Emma?"

  "You tell me," she said. "You're the one who came out of Anne's bedroom earlier. What's happening between you and Anne?"

  "No, I wasn't talking about Anne or what was going on in her bedroom. I mean what is going on here. Now. Between us."

  She pulled up to her full height and eyed him with a tart expression. "What's going on is I'm making sure that you treat my friend well."

  "Since when don't I treat your friends well?"

  The hurt look on his face was enough to stop her retort. She didn't want to hurt him, hadn't meant to. She gulped in a breath. This was Knight. She could be honest with him. "You're right. You've always treated my friends well. You treat Anne well. Because you're a nice person. You don't need me to threaten you or tell you how to treat her. Because I trust you, Knight. I trust you with Anne."

  Knight ran both hands through his hair, tugging at the ends. "So this is what you want? You want me and Anne to get together?"

  Denial scratched at her throat, pushed between her lips, but fear kept her mouth shut. "I want you both to be happy." How could Anne not be happy with Knight? She trembled as the next words fell from her lips. "If all guys were like you, love would be easy."

  "How about you? Does it make you happy?" he pressed. "The idea of us together."

  Anne swallowed, Josh's words coming back to her in a rush: Do yourself the favor of being inconvenient and unpopular, of making things difficult for your friends instead of so easy. But no, she couldn't take advice from Josh. New-and-improved Josh was still selfish and self-serving. New-and-improved Josh didn't understand the obligation Emma had to give back to this world a little of what she had been given. "Your happiness makes me happy," she said.

  Knight didn't seem to like that answer because he stalked away, scowling. When he turned back to her, his dark eyes flashed angry and his hands balled into fists at his sides. "What's happened to you this weekend? Why are you pulling your punches? Since when do you lie to me like this?"

  "I'm not lying to you." The thought of him happy did make her happy. It just happened to make her miserable at the same time.

  "So you're happy? Right now."

  "Of course I am!" She threw out her arms at her sides. "Look at all this. My house. My life. Everything. I have everything I could ever want to be happy. Everything in my life has been handed to me so easily. I haven't had to work for anything, Knight."

  "That's crap," he spat. He stalked up to her, and she gasped, thinking he would barrel right through her, but he stopped short, their faces an inch apart. "You think everything in life has been handed to you? Because your looks, your brains, your money, that all supposedly comes from your parents? None of that matters, Emma. I told you, you're all heart. That heart is all yours. Your popularity is all yours. Your friendships are no accident. People love you because you love them first. You pour everything into your friends. That's always been who you really are. That's always been all you. You've worked for all of it, and if you want to truly happy, Emma…it's going to take more work."

  He turned and left, leaving her speechless, without a retort for the first time in her life.

  Chapter Nine

  Even before Rick and Josh woke for their usual morning runs at the crack of dawn, Emma was in the kitchen playing hostess. It had taken extra cucumbers to de-puff her aching eyes and a double espresso to sharpen her mind, but she was going to make sure everyone was settled and on their way back to the Jane Austen Academy with nothing but happy memories of their weekend.

  She was done with feeling sorry for herself.

  She was done with drama.

  She was done with that awful, aching sensation in the pit of her stomach.

  She juiced that gross, frothy concoction that Josh insisted on downing every morning so he'd have one. She pulled out the freshly cut fruit and berries she knew Anne would want.

  Soon she would need to take care of the perishable items in the fridge and prepare the linens for the cleaners. It would be as if Emma had never been here. Maybe she would be able to clear her memories as easily as the cleaners cleared her parents' beach house. Either way, when Knight and Anne joined her, she had no intention of being a sourpuss. If Knight flirted with Anne, she would be encouraging and nice. If Anne touched Knight, she would grin and bear it.

  She would be a fabulous, amazing friend. And go on with her own fabulous, amazing life.

  That was that.

  Emma was so convinced she could pull it off that when Josh and Rick crawled into the kitchen, exhausted and sweaty from their run, she plastered on a smile and offered them a refreshing pitcher of ice water.

  "Do you need help cleaning up?" Rick asked.

  "It's taken care of."

  "Not shocked, knowing you, Emma." Josh grabbed a container of yogurt and began eating as he leaned against the island, stinky sweatshirt and all.

  Yep, business as usual.

  Then Knight walked in, yawning, arms stretched overhead, and all her optimism came crashing down. His hair was mussed, the slightest bit of
scruff on his cheeks. He absentmindedly rubbed his stomach and walked to the fridge in a daze. She wanted to curl against his chest and bury her head in his neck.

  Instead, she turned toward the counter. Her fingers shook as she set out coffee mugs and flipped on the espresso machine. The churning whistle temporarily blanked out the rampant thoughts running through her mind.

  "How long do you need to stay awake, Emma? A week?" Josh asked.

  Emma looked to find she'd made and poured six cups of espresso, continuing on one after the other in rote thought. "I'm thirsty," she insisted and tossed back two cups as if they were water. "The cars will arrive soon. I hope you've packed." Without meeting anyone's eyes, she picked up a breakfast tray of pastries and fruit and shuffled off to the blue parlor.

  With a shaky hand, she set down the tray of food.

  She'd been caught off guard. Knight's sudden appearance, looking so cozy, had tugged at those old memories of how she'd rouse him from bed at the Academy. He'd groan and moan, and she'd yank off his blanket. Sometimes he'd tug her hand so she fell across him and trap her against his body while she laughed and tickled him.

  "Morning."

  Emma jumped back at Anne's appearance. Anne, who woke up and seemed so easily serene. Her dark hair was perfectly pulled back into a bun. She wore a flared bombshell dress with a sweetheart neckline. Her dark eyes sparkled. Why wouldn't they? She was the one who now had the right to enter Knight's room, to wake him up, to be with him.

  "Good morning." The greeting caught in her throat.

  "Are you getting a cold? You looked so feverish yesterday."

  "No, just tired," Emma said.

  "Let me get the rest of the food from the kitchen then. Sit, sit. Let us take care of you for a change!"

  Emma sat down merely because she couldn't go back into the kitchen. She needed a moment alone to collect herself. Seeing Josh after their breakup had been relatively easy. She'd kept a smile on her face until one day, the smile appeared on its own. But now she couldn't even fake a smile, and it would only be a matter of time before someone noticed.

  More worrisome than that was the alternative: That no one would notice. That she could be dying inside and no one would care.

  Anne returned, tray in hand, Knight, Josh, and Rick behind her with baskets of bagels and cream cheese and smoked salmon.

  She caught Knight's gaze—intent and questioning—but looked away. She picked up a knife, speared the cream cheese, and stabbed at her bagel to little satisfaction. "The Oceanside Animal Shelter emailed us a thank-you. I'll forward it to you."

  "All in all, this was a pretty cool weekend," Josh said.

  "I know you brought us here to help you," Anne said, "but I really had a fun time."

  She was practically leaving with Knight on her arm. Of course she had a great time.

  "I know my 9-1-1 call was extreme, but thank you for coming." Emma looked around the room was struck with a wave of happiness. She had been the least close to Anne of the group, had a tense history with Josh, and barely knew Rick, yet all three of them had come rushing across the state at her request. "I know not all of us were the best of friends, but I care about you all and I truly feel closer to you now. If there's anything you need…" Her throat caught again.

  "We know, Emma," Anne said in a rush. "We've always known we can count on you."

  Your friendships are no accident.

  She risked a look at Knight and found him staring at her. She willed him to say something, to say he felt the same, but he was eerily quiet. Maybe he'd said all he had to say last night. She'd unpacked the words over and over. He'd been worried about whether Emma would be happy with him and Anne together and how she'd need to work for her happiness. It clearly showed that while he might have transferred his feelings to Anne, he still cared about Emma's reaction. He didn't want to hurt her.

  There should be solace in that.

  Unfortunately, Emma also felt hope. Hope that maybe she could change Knight's mind. That she could convince him to love her instead. And for that she hated herself. How could she subject Anne to more heartbreak? How could she toy with her friend and be so cruel after working so hard to see Anne restored to her former glory?

  Why did she have to choose between her own happiness and her friend's? Besides, was the choice really hers or Knight's?

  She wished she were a big enough person to give up on Knight. But she couldn't. She couldn't let him go the same way she had everything else she wanted.

  "There are two cars coming," she said. "One within the hour. The next at noon. I'll be staying a little longer to lock up the house."

  "I wish I could stay to help," Anne said. "I have to take the earlier car, though. The headmistress has some business for me to take care of on behalf of my mom."

  "I have a make-up Chem midterm this afternoon," Josh said.

  "Oh, I'm sure," Emma said with a roll of her eyes. Josh was not known for being a dedicated student in any subject but drama. She turned a hopeful smile to Knight. "I guess that leaves—"

  "I need to go in early, too," Knight said. "There's something I need to take care of."

  Disappointment ate away at her ribs. "Maybe it's something I could help with?" she said. "I wouldn't mind having someone around who could move some furniture." She tried to force a cheeky grin.

  Knight only grimaced. "It's really something I need to do as soon as possible."

  "I'll help you," Rick said.

  Josh supplied his approval. "Rick's the guy you want on the job. Flex those guns, Rick."

  "No," Rick said. He smiled at Emma. "Happy to help."

  Emma stared at Knight, who stared right back. She willed him to change his mind. How could he leave her when she asked him to stay? He didn't look away, but he didn't change his mind, either.

  So after a moment, she thanked Rick for volunteering, and she turned her attention back to her bagel.

  * * *

  "Do you want to see them off?" Rick asked as he set the chaise back to its rightful spot. Rick was, indeed, stronger and bigger than Knight. He easily hoisted it up with a single arm. With the other he grabbed the fern, as if doing it in two trips would be too much trouble. He didn't exert any energy in doing so, either.

  Emma inched to the bay window and looked out at the driveway. Josh jumped into the front seat of the town car. Knight held the back door open for Anne. As she passed him, he leaned down to say something to her, and she tossed back her head and laughed. "No, I don't want to see them off."

  "Here?" he asked.

  "Hmmm? Oh." She turned back to Rick who was standing just over the spot where she wanted the chaise. "Yes, please. There is perfect."

  He set it down, light as a feather, dusted off his hands, and asked, "Next?"

  Rick was a very dutiful helper. He rounded up all the fresh flowers and set them in compost. Collected the sheets and deposited them in the laundry room. In fact, the work was done in twice the time it would have taken with Knight. Because there was less arguing. Far less banter. Far more obedience. And almost no fun.

  Oh, Rick was pleasant. And boring. (What did Anne see in him, really? No wonder Anne had fallen for Knight who was far superior in temperament.) With Rick by her side, they were done clearing the house and readying it for cleaners within an hour and ready to call the car to take them back to the Academy.

  They sat together in the backseat, and Emma mused that this was the first time she'd ever been alone with Rick. Normally, she would have interrogated him mercilessly to discover what had happened with Anne, what his true feelings were, but instead she let him rest.

  His head was leaning against the seat, his eyes closed. For miles he was so quiet she thought he was asleep. She'd contented herself with watching the scenery change as they drove north on the coast and the temperature cooled. The woods grew dense, and the rows and rows of homes grew sparser and farther apart. Then he shifted, sat up, and asked, "How's Anne?"

  Emma turned to him in surprise. His jaw was se
t, his green eyes serious. "You mean since this morning?"

  "Forget I asked," he mumbled. He closed his eyes and rested his head back again.

  Emma studied his profile. She realized now that he was not relaxed. Knots bunched his neck muscles. The skin at his temples tightened. She didn't know what Rick wanted from her or what he wanted to know about Anne. She had her suspicions, but she realized they were just that—suspicions. She really had no clue of Rick's feelings for Anne. As Knight had said, she didn't know why they had broken up or what his role was in their relationship.

  She had only recently come to understand her feelings for Knight. Could she really judge Rick and Anne for still being confused about their feelings?

  "I worry about Anne," Emma said finally. "But I think she's doing well. Better, at least, than before."

  Rick rubbed the back of his neck and sat back up. "Thanks for that. I know she's your friend. I don't expect you to share anything private."

  "I wouldn't."

  "I know."

  They smiled ruefully at each other.

  "I know you might have to tell Anne I asked," Rick said.

  "I won't," Emma said. "If you don't want me to."

  Rick nodded.

  "Do you?" she asked.

  "Do I what?"

  "Do you want me to tell Anne you asked about her?" Emma strained for his answer. She felt she was seeing more of Rick in seven minutes than she'd seen in the past seven months.

  Rick laughed to himself and met her eyes. "Do any of us know what we want?"

  "Hell no," Emma said. A giggle escaped her lips. "Sorry."

  Rick also let out a laugh, which made Emma giggle hysterically. She wondered what the girls would say if she told them about this—her and Rick in the back of a town car losing their minds.

  Chapter Ten

  The Jane Austen Academy was just how Emma had left it before spring break. When people saw the Academy for the first time, they found it majestic, palatial. It was all brick and stone and spiral towers. Wrought-iron gates and grassy-green yards dotted with apple trees. But when Emma saw the Academy, she didn't see these things. Not anymore.