Skins

by Laura Rossi

  If you were mine, I would make sure you’d smile every day. I’d never let you walk away from me without a smile, the words he had said to me years back came to mind as I stopped in front of him and raised my hand.

  “I want you to leave. Now. You can tell Alejandro we are fine. We don’t need him,” and I pointed to the door, furious all of a sudden. “I am not going back to this shit. I am not going to make my son live like this. I’ve taken him away from Alejandro’s house, from his lair. I don’t want to get involved in his business.”

  “You are involved. You are his wife” Sebastian’s words dug a hole in my chest.

  “I am his ex-wife.”

  “You fucking married him” he snapped and I watched him curse under his breath, as I raised my hand again, this time aiming at his face or at his shoulder. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do.

  I wanted to push him away, kick him out. I wanted to tell him to leave.

  I was so angry for some reason, I felt the rage tear me up inside.

  Deep down I knew I was really angry at myself, for all the mistakes I had made in my life, but that day Sebastian’s presence was taking me back to the same place, I had so desperately tried to move forward from.

  He’s really here- I thought.

  My moment of freedom, my one night of hope- the man that had changed the entire course of my life- was right there, staring at me again and he hadn’t changed one bit.

  Same bruised face, same piercing dark eyes.

  His broad shoulders, his deep voice calling my name.

  “Andrea!”

  Sebastian was quicker than me. He grabbed my wrist and took in my worried, troubled eyes.

  The way his face softened, I knew the last thing he wanted was to give me something else to worry about, something else to be sad about, but he was there for a reason and he wanted me to listen.

  Gently, he guided my arm down without letting go and I enjoyed the roughness of his skin against mine.

  “Listen to me, Andrea. Listen to me very carefully,” and I did. I swallowed down everything I wanted to say, suppressing my anger, my rage.

  “They want to kill Alejandro. They’ll look for him first, then they’ll come for you,” he paused seeing I was shaking my head. “Look at me, Andrea” his voice came out hard, a little harsh, it made me jump. I looked at him, eyes wide. “These people could do anything to you, to Eddy to have their way and get to Alejandro. You are his blood. They want his blood. Where do you think they’ll start looking, once they have realized he is nowhere to be found? You should have left with him.”

  “I am not going into hiding. I have done nothing wrong. And I am not letting Eddy live in a prison,” I told him and jerked my wrist back. I stormed out of the room, panting, his words a thousand shards to my chest.

  Eddy’s life was in danger, the hell with mine, his life was all that mattered to me. I wanted nothing, but for Eddy to be safe.

  I should be the one paying for the bad decisions I have made, not Eddy -I felt a tear run down my cheek, but I wiped it off immediately.

  Sobbing in silence, I set everything in the kitchen to make my little boy his snack, thinking I had to calm down, I had to take control of my emotions again. He couldn’t see me like this. Eddy didn’t deserve this, any of this.

  I had been the stupid one, to run off with Alejandro.

  I had married him. I had been naïve enough not to see what he was like, what he had his hands deep into. And I had been punishing myself ever since, every single moment of my life.

  It wasn’t fair, but I could handle it. Until it was just me, I could live the miserable life Alejandro had set out for me- I was his prisoner, his personal sex toy, his pretty doll to show off at dinners and meetings.

  I had convinced myself my life was over, survival was all that was left for me. But then I had found out about Eddy.

  He was hiding in my womb, I hadn’t even realized, for how spaced out and empty I felt.

  Suddenly, everything was different, everything had a meaning, a purpose.

  That line on the pregnancy test had changed everything, it had woken me up from my meaningless existence. I had to do it for him, for my little baby.

  Maybe I deserved to pay for my mistakes, but Eddy deserved to be happy.

  Chapter 7

  The Promise

  Sebastian

  From the living room, I could hear Andrea move around the kitchen, banging drawers and plates. I let her burn off the steam for a while.

  There was nothing I could say, nothing I could do. I wanted nothing more than to ease her pain, but there was no way out of it.

  No easy way out of it, just like she had told me back in the days, when we had met in the club.

  “I’m going to look around,” I announced walking past the kitchen door a good ten minutes later.

  “Sebastian,” she called out for me and I froze, waiting for her to carry on. “Eddy… please…” she mumbled, holding back the tears. Andrea couldn’t finish the sentence but she didn’t need to. I understood just looking at her disturbed face.

  “Nothing will happen to Eddy. I promise you this,” I told her and Andrea eyed me, not knowing what to do or say. “Please keep away from the windows at all times,” I added and walked to the back of the house.

  I needed to explore all of it, to see the entrances, the exits, making sure that nothing had been breached. The guards would be looking out for people approaching.

  We needed to keep things low profile.

  We needed to make sure not to draw the attention of potential enemies or the police.

  And I need to stop thinking about Andrea like that and focus on my job.

  It was just a job, I kept telling myself. Just a job.

  The Hillside reminded me of those cereal commercials you see on TV.

  The streets were clean, no beggars, no prostitutes, no pickpockets. I was so stunned by the order that reigned all around me, just twenty minutes from The Market.

  I guess when you’ve been living in filth for a long time- for most of your life- you forget that there are people somewhere living happily, not too far from the shit hole you call home.

  The only moment I wasn’t living in the streets was when I was sent to a catholic institution, seven days after my mother was found dead because of a drug overdose.

  I was only ten at the time, I had no family, just a grandmother who was too old and poor to take me in. I was already trouble at that age. I had seen enough on the streets to know how to behave. I had no idea how to behave properly.

  Even if you get told every now and then, you forget what’s right and what’s wrong when most of the time all you see around you is corruption.

  By the age of six, I had already learned how to pick pocket on buses without being caught.

  That had been the smartest thing I could think of to get myself some food. My mother was too busy buying drugs and selling herself to anyone in need of a little company.

  Smooth hands, Velvet touch – that’s what some of the other poor bastards on the streets used to call me. I could take money off people easily. It was a natural talent.

  When I was eight, I saw a friend die in crossfire – two gangsters were fighting over the territory, but none of them died that day. Just my friend and he was only six.

  Once you see it happen, you never forget. You try, you do your best, but you never forget what it’s like to see a life being taken. You keep staring at the lifeless body, unable to understand why it happened. Why all of a sudden, as the person breathes out one last breath, his face is not like it used to be- his eyes turn glassy, his lips stop moving, his looks turns expressionless, empty. And he is gone.

  Nothing hurts, he is not in pain anymore, just you. You are the one in pain.

  You are left there wondering how unfair this life can be, how unfair it can truly get, knowing next time it could be you.

  It scars you forever.

  He wasn’t the only corpse I had seen. I watched my mother die wi
thout being able to do anything about it. She held my hand and whispered something, but I couldn’t understand her words and I hated myself for a long time, for not being able to make out my mother’s last will.

  I like to think she said she was sorry, for all the pain she caused me. But I doubt her tormented, damaged soul had a last moment revelation.

  The nuns did the rest. I was beaten for anything wrong I did until I'd had enough and ran away, pushing sister Clare down the stairs. That had been the last time someone had beaten me. I'd never let anyone touch me again without regretting it.

  I'd learned to fight. I'd fought my way out of that dump and ended into another dump: the Market.

  Hillside was mostly a family neighbourhood, I realized walking Andrea and Eddy to school the next day.

  Good sized new cars, well dressed people, professionals, office employees and managers, housewives with perfect hair.

  I told Andrea I preferred to take the car every time we needed to leave the house- it was safer, the car was always checked by the guards first- but she wouldn’t hear of it. The school was only a two minutes’ walk from the house and she refused to be treated like a prisoner.

  “A golden prison is a prison nevertheless” she said, slipping on her coat.

  She hugged Eddy tight as we crossed the street, the school already in sight.

  Looking both ways, I wrapped an arm behind her back keeping Eddy in between me and Andrea.

  She eyed me, sucking in a deep breath, but I stared ahead, ignoring her, not giving away what I was feeling.

  Breathless, I was feeling breathless. I hadn’t seen her in so long and I had craved her every night, since the last time I had touched her.

  Even if tired the night before, I had hardly closed my eyes, my mind refusing to give in to sleep. I had taken the room next to Andrea’s- to be close to them both, as Eddy slept in her bed- to be there for them at all times, like Alejandro had instructed. I was going to be there for them, if needed.

  I had sprawled on the bed, eyes open, thinking of her and aware of what I was there to do. I was there to protect her and her son, until Alejandro de La Crux had figured things out. That was that, I kept telling myself, but I couldn’t deny how much I had missed the sight of her, her soft hair, her warm, sensual voice, her devastatingly, innocent beauty.

  I took in a breath then and her scent almost made me lightheaded.

  Andrea was alive, she had a beautiful son and somehow our paths had crossed again.

  I eyed her as we approached the school, walking fast, Eddy bouncing up and down, holding a drawing in his tiny hand.

  His happiness made me even more tense. He had no idea what was going on and why I was there. It killed me that one day he would figure it out, one day those blue eyes would be sad and hard like his mother’s.

  The guards were right behind us, just a few steps away, looking around, making sure no car was slowing down nearby.

  “Tell the teachers he is not allowed outside the building, for no reason whatsoever,” I mumbled closer to Andrea’s ear, while Eddy adjusted his coat in a small, wooden locker.

  She turned to look at me but didn’t object to it.

  Andrea was starting to understand, I could tell how worried she looked that morning. She was beginning to see through my serious eyes, just how delicate the situation was.

  I waited outside the classroom, as she walked Eddy inside and spoke to the teacher for a few minutes.

  Eyes were on me the whole time I was in the school and It didn’t surprise me. Even If I had tried to clean up a bit, I was still me. My cheek was still bruised, the tattoo on my neck was still visible even under my shirt, under my coat.

  My face wasn’t relaxed, it wasn’t clean shaven like all the father’s there. Mine was the face of someone to keep away from, someone that was up to no good.

  You can try all you want to be good, but your face will always betray you. I had heard this about me since I was a kid. People were scared of me and they kept at a good distance.

  Good -I always thought it was my biggest asset.

  “Let’s go,” Andrea walked by, the guards already in sight at the school entrance.

  Her arm brushed against mine and I followed her in silence, just a step behind, enough to give her space.

  I stared ahead, feeling Alejandro’s men’s breath on my shoulders, but I glanced her way every now and then as we walked home.

  She was a vision. Andrea had the elegance and beauty of someone that didn’t even try to look good. Her charm was effortless. She walked fast, hands in her white coat pockets, and didn’t even notice the people that gawked at her on the streets.

  “Alejandro is exaggerating,” her voice came out low but I heard her. I walked a little closer, sensing she didn’t want the guards to hear. “This is just absurd. I am not with him anymore. We left his house, I am not his woman anymore. Alejandro knows I don’t want anything to do with him. I don’t think they would come looking for me.”

  “You are wrong, Andrea,” I said, doing my best to keep my voice low. “You are not thinking with these people’s heads. They want him but he is too smart to be found. They’ll try anything, try to send him a warning, a message. Do you understand what I am saying?” I pressed on and watched her nod.

  Of course she understood, she just didn’t want it to be true. The people after Alejandro were killers, gangsters with no scruples. And I had heard stories like this before, repercussions on the family of gangsters or informers.

  “These people want his blood. They’ll take yours if necessary and then take his too, once he’s out of hiding,” I added and Andrea was quick to reply.

  “And you know about people wanting blood, don’t you Killer? Do they still call you that, Killer?”

  I nodded and lowered my stare.

  “I still fight, if this is what you are asking. I still fight for money, I still get money for blood Andrea.”

  “Is that why you are here? Money?” she questioned- her voice so incredibly raspy, warm and sexy- while searching for the keys in her bag.

  She never turned to look at me, not directly anyway, but I could tell she was fighting the urge to.

  I knew she couldn’t believe I was there either. I knew she was still shocked and surprised. I could feel her mixed feelings, her uneasiness. And I knew it would do her, me- us- no good to torment her thoughts.

  “I am just here for the job. Then I am going back to where I belong.”

  “The Market? Is that where you belong?” her voice came out a little harsh now.

  “Yes. The Market. I have never lived anywhere else since I came to Rome. Have you ever lived there?” I asked as we climbed up the three steps that lead to the front door.

  “I always lived here in the Hillside”

  “But then you came to the Market for fun,” I told her and watched her glare at me.

  “I am not a hypocrite, if that’s what you are insinuating.”

  I shook my head. “I never said that. You and your friends were obviously looking for something that night,” I spoke my mind, despite my good sense, and lowered my voice so the soldiers couldn’t hear.

  “I wasn’t looking for anything. I told you that night. I wasn’t free to do what I wanted. Like I am not free to do what I want now. If I could choose Killer, I would be running back home, where I belong, leaving all this shit behind,” Andrea’s eyes burned into mine. “If I could bury everything, my years here, my mistakes and the people that keep me segregated, I would be far long gone.”

  I stepped further up on the stairs, as she opened the front door and heard her speak again.

  “So that’s it Killer. You finish your ‘job’ here with us and you go back to fighting, back to whatever other illicit deal you have going on?” Andrea asked.

  “I fight. That’s all I do. Nothing illicit. No drugs.” I said to her.

  I will never touch that shit, I had promised myself so many years before and I never had. I might have broken other promises, disappoi
nted people that had believed in me when I was a kid, but never had I ever broken that promise I had made to myself, sitting on that stiff, wooden bench in church, during my mother’s funeral.

  Drugs killed her, I wasn’t letting that kill me or those around me.

  “I need to make a living to survive,” I added then, as we walked inside the house and left the soldiers out on the front porch.

  “So do I,” she said and I mumbled something under my breath. “What?” Andrea asked, giving me a wary look, while slowly taking off her coat.

  I swallowed hard, as her shirt slightly went up behind her back, while she hung the white garment.

  The rose on her back, I stared at the tattoo and remembered how I had traced my tongue over it several times.

  “You have someone to support you. You can afford to live here,” I looked away and regained control.

  “I don’t take money from Alejandro. Not anymore,” she said taking off her hat and I gawked at her long, blonde hair, as it swayed over her shoulders.

  Deadly. Her beauty is deadly- I thought to myself.

  Andrea kept the hat in her hands for a moment, playing with it and avoiding my stare.

  “I haven’t taken any money from Alejandro, since the day I left him. I give piano lessons in the afternoons and I lap dance three times a week. It’s good money,” she added quickly and looked up from her hands.

  “Does he know?” I wondered, trying to hide my surprise.

  “Alejandro knows. And he doesn’t like it. But I don’t care. He’s going to kill me anyway, someday,”

  We locked eyes then and I felt my stomach clench, I felt my face burn with rage.

  “The day I left him and took Eddy away, he swore he would kill me. And he will. You don’t know him as well as I do, Sebastian. You don’t know him at all. When Alejandro says something, he means it. It’s not just words. He told me he will kill me one day, but not now. Not while Eddy is a child, not until he doesn’t need me anymore. He loves his son too much. Then, he’ll come for me,” she paused taking a deep breath. “I have a gun to my head already. What’s the point in protecting me? Protect Eddy, I have already been sentenced,” Andrea eyed me and left the room, not giving me time to say anything back.