Skins

by Laura Rossi

  “If I could, I would keep you like this, here with me, naked, skin against skin,” he said and I turned to look at him again.

  His face was serious, so serious I felt the urge to smile. When had I ever felt the urge to smile?

  “No bullshit, no hiding. I want to be naked like this with you. Clothes don’t do you justice,” he smirked and I kissed him, his lips consumed, salty. He tasted like me, I tasted like him. What did it matter?

  When someone touches you like Sebastian touched me, you forget what’s yours and what’s his. It doesn’t matter. You are his and he's yours. It wasn’t about touching my skin, Sebastian was all about touching my core.

  “I want you to know something,” I said to him then, snuggling under his neck. I had to look away, I couldn’t say what I had to say and face those dark eyes. “You told me you’d do anything to protect me. To save me. I want you to know you have saved me already, many years ago.”

  I paused and traced the thick lines of the tattoo on his neck. I wanted to be that tattoo, I wanted to dive into his skin like that and find my place in this world forever. Under him, under his skin.

  Sebastian didn’t speak, he didn’t press on. He knew I would find the words eventually. I loved how he didn’t pressure me, I loved how he was breathing in the scent of my hair. I noticed that, did he notice I was doing the same thing against his neck?

  “When I met you, I was at the end of a road. I had nothing to lose, nothing to fight for. Alejandro was controlling me, threatening me, I was exhausted,” I kept tracing his tattoo as I said the words. “That night I had nothing to lose. I wanted to end it. I wanted to die.”

  Sebastian shook under me, I felt it. It was slight, it was brief but I felt it. The shock, the fright.

  His grip seemed to tighten around me, his hand in my hair now playing with a strand.

  “You wanted to kill yourself?” he asked and I nodded.

  “I tried. I got home safe, the guards didn’t notice I was gone. I just slipped back into the club from the bathroom and then back out from the main door and told them I was tired. I didn’t want to stay the whole night with the girls. They never got a hint, nothing,” I went on, reliving that night in my head, as I spoke out loud the memories.

  During the ride home, back to Alejandro’s mansion – my golden prison- my eyes had darted to the passenger door handle in the car. Maybe If I were fast enough, I could have jumped out of the car. We were going one hundred kilometres per hour. But I had kept my nerves in check.

  Home, I had thought, I need to get home first.

  In my room, I had gone through the medicine cabinet but then changed my mind. It was too slow, Alejandro or someone might have stopped me.

  So, I had rushed to the top floor of the house- the attic- and taken my heels off.

  The roof tiles had been so cold, I remember feeling my toes go numb a little as I walked out of the window and into the darkness.

  “I couldn’t do it,” I shook my head then, the tears flowing down my cheeks. “I couldn’t.”

  “Don’t cry, Andrea,” Sebastian said holding me tight, kissing my hair.

  “I couldn’t do it. You know why?” I asked and heard him mumble ‘no’ under his breath. “Because I had felt something with you. That something wouldn’t let me go. Wouldn’t let me do it. I had never been touched like that by anyone, like I was fragile, rare. Like you wanted to reach deep inside of me and not just physically. You wanted me, all of me,” I said and took in a deep breath. “So, I stepped back inside the room and for days all I could think of was you. Alejandro wasn’t home. He was out on a business trip. He was in Colombia, preparing a load of cocaine for a month. I thought of you, I tried to go to the club to see you.”

  “Why didn’t you? I couldn’t shake you out of my head,” Sebastian asked, looking down at me.

  I straightened and shook my head, the tears building again inside my eyes. I let them run down, I let them all out. They were for him, for us. It was now or never.

  “I couldn’t risk you being caught up in this. He would have killed you, sent someone to kill you, if he suspected something. I couldn’t,” I shook my head again, eager to go on. Now that the tears were out, now that the words were flowing out of me, I couldn’t stop.

  “That month I found out about Eddy,” I said and Sebastian stared at me, not blinking once until I said “He’s yours, Sebastian. Eddy. He’s ours”

  Chapter 14

  All or nothing

  Sebastian

  “Look at me. Look at me, Sebastian” Eddy said and went down the slide with the brightest smile on his lips.

  How can I not look at you? I thought and waved his way.

  I hadn’t stopped staring at him since the other day, since Andrea had told me the truth.

  “Good boy,” I said back and smiled.

  Eddy ran proudly around the playground and up the stairs, ready to slide again, calling out for my attention.

  My eyes would never leave him anyway. He was mine, I couldn’t believe he was mine.

  As I stood there in front of Eddy, outside the Saint Catherine Institute, I thought of Andrea’s words again.

  Alejandro had left for Colombia only a week before we had met. It couldn’t possibly be his, Andrea was sure of it. The days weren’t right. She wasn’t pregnant before he left. Eddy was mine.

  “I couldn’t tell you, I couldn’t tell anyone. There was so much at stake, Eddy’s life was at stake,” she had gone on. “If Alejandro found out about it, Sebastian, he would have killed you, killed Eddy in front of me,” she had cried in my arms.

  “He’s mine?” I had asked again.

  Andrea had simply nodded, trying to read the look in my eyes.

  But how? We had used protection, Andrea had told me she was on the pill and had taken the condom out of my hands. It wasn’t necessary, she said. But it happened, against all odds. It had happened. A miracle. I never believed in miracles, until I saw one running around the garden like Eddy was doing.

  “He’s mine,” I had murmured again and held Andrea tight against my chest.

  That was the only thing I could think of doing. And I kissed her, kissed her again and again. I wanted her to know I wasn’t angry she hadn’t told me, she hadn’t found a way to let me know, in all those years because I knew why Andrea hadn’t.

  It wasn’t about us anymore. It was about Eddy, the only thing that had kept her alive had been Eddy and he was the only person that mattered in this situation. Andrea had to protect him. So she did what any mother would do. She used anything to keep him safe. Alejandro’s affection for Eddy, she used it against him.

  “I took Eddy away as soon as he was born. Alejandro was getting his hands deeper into the drug market, I had to walk around with guards all the time. And I used that against him. I told him Eddy wasn’t safe in that house, where all his ‘friends’ hung out with him,” Andrea had shaken her head a little. “Honour is everything for a man like him, Sebastian. He told me I had dishonoured him, his family, by walking out on him. He promised me he would kill me, but he let me go. Because blood is everything to him, too. He knew Eddy was his blood and deep down he knew I was right about protecting him. I did what I had to do, Sebastian. To keep us all safe,”

  No, I couldn’t blame her. I couldn’t. But I was a father and that right had been taken away from me. Another thing I had been deprived of in my life. As If I knew what being a father really meant, I never had one to look up to. What good of a father could I be?

  Life was unfair, I knew that all too well, but until I had air coming in and out of my lungs, it was never too late to set things right.

  I had a chance, one chance and I wasn’t going to screw it up.

  My blood- I thought, looking at Eddy wave at me from up the slide.

  That’s when I knew what to do.

  It was time to reconnect with Naples, with my old acquaintances. That was my only chance to save him. I was a father, I had to do what was right for my son.

 
; Once we had the food on the table, I told Andrea what I had in mind.

  “I need to go into town,” I said and she looked up from her plate immediately, petrified. “I’ll be back in an hour.”

  It was true. I had made the phone call already and they would be waiting for me with all the stuff I needed.

  “Why?” Andrea shook her head a little and placed down her fork, pushing away the plate.

  My eyes went to her bony hands and I cursed under my breath.

  What was I thinking? I should have found another moment to tell her, maybe wait for her to eat a little before informing her. Since our run had started – first to my apartment, now in the abandoned institute- Andrea had lost weight as well as sleep.

  We exchanged a look and stood, taking the plates to the sink. Eddy was playing with his food, in his own little world again. I kept my eyes on him a moment longer, making sure to remember every, single thing about him.

  “I need to go and get some documents. I have someone setting up fake identity cards for us. We can’t keep running like this, we need a plan to escape.”

  “Escape where?” Andrea reached for my hand and I took it, holding onto it tight, showing her I was sure of what I was doing.

  “You need to trust me with this.”

  “But I can’t… what about my family?”

  “Your family is still safe. Alejandro won’t touch them until he finds you, he’s after us now.”

  She nodded, knowing I was right. We still had time to save them.

  “We can’t live like this. Sooner or later someone is going to find you and Eddy, whether it’s Alejandro or the people after him,” I told her.

  “I know,” Andrea nodded again, looking at Eddy for a moment.

  “I have a plan,” I searched her face. “Trust me”

  Chapter 15

  The price of freedom

  Andrea

  Sebastian was gone a few minutes after we had finished lunch. I hadn’t eaten anything else after that.

  Eddy and I just sat on the couch, my arms tight around him, under a blanket in front of the fire, while I told him his favourite fairy tale. Peter Pan.

  “Why does he get to fly? I want to fly,” he pouted and I bent down to kiss his little head.

  “You can fly with your imagination or we can fly on an airplane one day,” I said and felt my stomach clench.

  How easy had it become for me to lie to him. I hated myself so much. Talking about the future like that, when I knew nothing about the future, what awaited us.

  Eddy kept asking me questions, I tried to do my best to keep the conversation light, but I secretly kept looking at my watch.

  Half an hour, Sebastian had been gone for half an hour. My hands shook. I needed to do something, I couldn’t stand still anymore. I was losing my nerve.

  “Let me just run to the shed and take some more wood,” I said and kissed his head again.

  “Okay, mommy. Can I come too?”

  “You stay here, it’s really cold outside. Count to twenty. I’ll be back before that,” I winked and ran outside the back door, all the way to the shed, my legs so fast I was inside the place in seconds.

  There were bigger pieces of wood to the right, but I went for the smaller ones. We needed to keep the place warm for just a little longer, Sebastian wanted to move out before it was dark.

  I finally felt it. Three years too late but I felt it, the sign.

  It was a cold feeling at the back of my neck, it made me turn on my toes instantly and I saw him, staring down at me with a wide smile on his lips.

  The smile of Satan.

  “Not the man you were expecting?” Alejandro asked, staying exactly where he was, in front of the door, blocking my way out.

  I let the pieces of wood go and stood straight, breathing quickly.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked him, keeping my face blank, my voice calm.

  Inside though I felt like screaming.

  “Taking back what’s mine,” he moved forward then and I backed into the wall.

  Left nor right, there was no place for me to go. I was cornered.

  “Alejandro,” I started to say but he wiggled his finger at me and pressed his index on my lips.

  It tasted like cigarette and mud, I tried to shake it off but Alejandro pressed it harder on my mouth and I let out a soft cry.

  “Shut up, you fucking whore,” he said through gritted teeth, moving closer. “Last time you were in here, you seemed to be enjoying yourself.”

  My whole body began to shake then, as he went for my cheek and squeezed it hard in his hand.

  “I saw you. I saw you,” he said, breathing out anger and disgust, the smile nowhere to be seen now. “You let that motherfucker fuck you like the whore you are.”

  He saw us, the horror hit me then and panic rose in my blood.

  Eddy, did he hear about Eddy too? That was all I could think of. I kept my lips sealed.

  “You forgot you were mine, Andrea,” he told me.

  “I am not yours,” I said, even though his hand was squeezing my cheeks harder now.

  “The hell you are!” Alejandro roared in my face and I closed my eyes for an instant.

  My eyes were on him again a moment later, as cold and distant as I could manage.

  “I was never yours,” I said to his face and he threw me to the floor.

  His hand was down on me, on my face, one time, two times. I didn’t count them. He slapped me hard, harder.

  I gasped for air and scrambled to get up, but he took hold of my hair and yanked me out of the shed.

  I landed face first on the wet grass.

  “Get up!” he shouted and I did, letting him take my arm, tugging me to the back of the shed. “I don’t want Eddy to see me killing you,” he whispered in my ear.

  Eddy, my lips trembled.

  “Leave him alone,” I pleaded.

  “He’s in my car. I am taking him with me,” Alejandro said in my ear again, as I looked up the little gravel pathway and saw a white car with two guards outside and inside the head of my little boy in the back seat.

  No, no no!!! I cried, as he dragged me to the back of the shed, my eyes still on the car, on my boy.

  He was taking him away from me. Everything I had done for him had been meaningless. It had meant nothing, nothing.

  “I should have killed you a long time ago,” Alejandro said pinning me to the wall of the shed.

  I kicked at him, tried to get rid of his hold on me, but he was too strong. He kept pushing me against the cold bricks of the shed, my shoulders aching every time I tried to wiggle away.

  His face was so close to mine then, I smelled the tobacco on his breath as he spoke to me one more time.

  “Where the fuck do you think you are going? Uh?” he slammed me against the wall again and pressed his lips hard on mine.

  Disgusting, vicious.

  I screamed, as his tongue tried to force its way into mine, but his fist hit me in the stomach, I opened my mouth desperate for air- the blow so hard on me I thought I would never be able to breathe without pain again.

  “You are mine Andrea. Mine. And I will do with you whatever I please,” he roared in my face, but this time I kept my eyes open, cold blue shards darting his way.

  Hatred filled my lungs, my chest, my mouth as I found the energy to speak up for the last time. Because I knew what was coming, I knew what Alejandro was going to do with me but I wanted him to know something before he killed me.

  “You can do with my body whatever you please, but I will never be yours. I am Sebastian’s. He fucked me like you never were able to fuck me all those years,” And I spat in his face then, but Alejandro was quick to grab my neck and squeeze it tight.

  I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t swallow or breathe. My eyes became red, watery as I tried to pull his hand off me. Nothing, he held me even tighter.

  Was he talking to me? His lips moved but I couldn’t hear a single thing. I had almost lost consciousness, my eyes slo
wly drifting when I saw him reach for his gun and brought it up to my forehead.

  Don’t close your eyes, I willed myself to keep looking at him, keep my cold, distant glare on him.

  I wanted to go looking at him, showing I wasn’t afraid. I wanted Alejandro to remember what it had been like to kill me, how I had held my head high until the last minute.

  You can’t kill me, I am going to live in your head forever.

  A curse, I wanted to be his curse just like he had been mine.

  “Drop the fucking gun!” Sebastian rounded the corner, holding a gun to Alejandro’s head and I fell to the ground instantly.

  “I said drop the fucking gun,” Sebastian shouted again and I watched Alejandro smile at him, as he let his weapon hit the floor.

  “Here he is, the Killer,” Alejandro spat and looked down at me for a moment.

  I rolled on the grass, trying to catch my breath, my eyes on Sebastian.

  Sebastian, I opened my mouth to speak but the words wouldn’t come out. My throat burned where Alejandro had held me tight for so long.

  “Can you get up, Andrea?” Sebastian asked me never looking away from Alejandro, his gun still inches from his head.

  I nodded, getting up slowly and walking towards him, still holding onto my throat.

  “Go to the car. Run to Eddy,” he said and eyed me quickly.

  I didn’t need him to say more. Just hearing my son’s name, gave me the energy to move.

  I walked as fast as I could up the pathway to the car, never looking back until I heard a thud.

  When I turned I saw them, both of them on the ground, fighting, Sebastian had lost the gun.

  “You son of a bitch. You fucking touched her, I am going to fucking kill you,” I heard Sebastian growl, his fist smashing against Alejandro’s jaw.

  “Go!” he screamed looking up at me and I turned around again, crying all the way to the car.

  My feet never touched the ground, I never turned back, not once but I could hear them panting and struggling, fighting with all they had got.

  I kept my eyes on the car, ignoring the two guards lying on the floor covered in blood.