Awakening to Life

by Guy, Caitlin

  “Oh my god!” I gasp. “Who organised this?!”

  My parents and Josh stand just behind the couch in the middle of the room. Jayden is behind them, with Paul next to him. Their parents stand around the edge of the room with a few of my other relatives, some hospital staff, our neighbours, and some family friends. Everyone is grinning wildly as I soak in the scene before me. There are fairy lights draped across the ceiling and a ‘Happy Birthday’ banner on one wall.

  “It was Jayden’s idea and your family helped him organise it. I was the distraction while they set up. Do you like it?” Hailey asks excitedly.

  “Of course! This is amazing! Thank you!”

  “Why don’t you girls run upstairs, change, and collect yourselves while we move this party outside?” Mum says.

  Hailey drags me upstairs, skipping the steps two at a time. Everything feels a little unreal. Hailey borrows one of my dresses and we both change speedily, but she stops me before we can run back downstairs.

  “A little makeup, Allie,” she calls.

  Although I try to resist, she pleads, begs, and threatens until I am sitting on the edge of my bed with her slopping foundation onto my face. She rubs it in and then comes at me wielding the eyeliner.

  “Don’t you dare –” I begin to threaten.

  “Close your eyes!” she barks.

  I do as she says and suffer in silence while she applies a thin line to my eyes. Before we can finally escape my bedroom, she pulls me in front of a mirror. The azure coloured dress is a thick material which hangs straight down to my knees. It is tight enough to not drown my body, but I don’t seem sickly thin either. It was a good buy. But it is Hailey’s work that makes the effect. My hair falls in soft waves, framing my face. Then there are my eyes, which stand out thanks to the professionally applied makeup. They look bigger. My cheeks are powdered with rosy pink blush. I look beautiful and, more importantly, I feel beautiful.

  “Thank you, Hailey,” I whisper, holding my hand to my face.

  She smiles into the mirror, her eyes on mine. Then she shakes her head. “Come on,” she squeals, pulling me from the room and down the stairs.

  The party has indeed moved outside. The light from the lounge room spills out onto the entertaining area, which is framed by fairy lights. Dad and Dr. Marsden fiddle with the barbeque, simultaneously balancing a number of cooking utensils and packets of meat. Mum leans over the table lighting the last of the candles. We catch each other’s eyes and smile. Everyone else stands around chatting in groups and introducing themselves to others.

  “Hello. You look fantastic.” Jayden grabs my waist and pulls my body into his. I kiss him firmly on the lips.

  “You are amazing. What did I ever do to deserve this?” I ask. Light from the candles and fairy lights flickers in his eyes.

  “I’m sure you can make it up to me somehow.” He grins, leaning in to kiss me again. When I pull away, Paul is standing with Hailey.

  “Paul! You’re out of the hospital!” I don’t say it out loud, but he really looks like he shouldn’t be. His skin is pasty white with a slight sheen of sweat. The air is warm, but the dampness of his skin seems distinctly unhealthy. He has lost more weight since I saw him last — and he didn’t have much to lose in the first place.

  His grin, however, is genuine. “Happy Birthday, Allie! I couldn’t miss your surprise birthday party.”

  I beam back. “Of course not! I can’t believe this…”

  “Come on, Allie, close that mouth of yours and let’s go dance.”

  Jayden tows me into the centre of the space just as Mum presses play and music starts pouring from Josh’s iPod speakers. As Jayden pulls me into a very formal dance position, I see Hailey literally heave Paul towards us. She positions his arms around her waist and they start dancing. The trend catches on quickly, with most of the other guests joining in. I’m spun through a number of partners. First Josh cuts in, then Paul, then my dad, Dr. Marsden, and Dad’s goofy friend. Finally, Jayden interrupts and saves me, practically carrying me to a chair so I can catch my breath.

  Food is served onto a trestle table and everyone converges on the plates, filling up their own with a pile of sausages, steaks and all manner of salads. I pick at the food, savouring every moment as everyone else wolfs it down.

  When everyone is finished with their main meal, Mum and Dad carry out the birthday cake in the shape of a one and a seven dotted with seventeen candles. When the off-pitch chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’ is sung through to the last note, I blow out the candles with all my might, missing just one which Josh gleefully blows out for me. I punch him lightly in the arm.

  “You missed one! Looks like you’ll have to kiss the closest boy,” Jayden says. He smirks, tilting his head slightly. I twist my head and kiss Josh on the cheek.

  “My shoulder was touching his, Jayden...” I reply. “Therefore, he was the closest.”

  There’s general laughter and applause. Paul offers Jayden his sympathy and my parents congratulate me. I cut through the cake, closing my eyes for a second as I make my birthday wish for the health and happiness for my friends and family. The toasts begin after Mum distributes the slices of cake.

  Josh is the first to stand, raising his wine glass filled with lemonade. “Happy Seventeenth Birthday, Allie. A year ago, I didn’t think I’d see you have another birthday. I’m so happy to see you healthier and happier than you’ve been in a long time. So, on behalf of everyone here, I’d like to say that I love you, Allie. So everyone raise your glass, to my big sister; to Allie.”

  “To Allie,” they repeat. I’m not the only one tearing up. Mum looks at the ground, biting her lip, and Dad stares fixatedly at the fairy lights.

  After Josh, everyone else seems to have something to say. Some just wish me luck or tell me they love me. Others recount stories of either my greatest traits, or various temper tantrums. I flush red at the stories of my less dignified moments, but it’s clear that every person at the party cares for me. There doesn’t seem to be a single dry eye. It feels surreal.

  The party stretches into the night. People start drifting away, leading up to midnight, until everyone except my family and Jayden have left. We clean up some of the rubbish and move the dishes into the kitchen, leaving the rest for the next day. When we’re finished, Jayden takes my hand and leads me to my room. Mum, Dad, and Josh exchange secret smiles, but don’t say a word.

  Jayden closes the door with a quiet click behind us and pulls me onto the bed. I sink into the mattress and he lays at my side. He leans in and kisses me. The taste is sweet. His lips move slowly against mine, like a massage. A slow burning fire builds in my stomach and Jayden forgets to treat me gently. He wraps his arm around my body and pulls me into him, crushing me against his chest. I immediately cling to him. My fingers slide through his hair, dipping his head closer to mine as the kiss deepens. I am drowning, but I no longer need to breath. My whole body tingles.

  Jayden breaks from my mouth to trail kisses along the side of my neck. His body hovers above mine. None of his weight presses on top of me, so I clutch him closer until it does. He shifts his mouth back to meet mine and I kiss him with every ounce of my strength. Jayden pulls back again and looks into my eyes.

  “You are so beautiful.”

  His voice is thick with emotion. His hands run over my body. He rolls suddenly, so he is laying on the bed with me on top. He pushes his hands under my dress and lifts it over my head. I ease my hands along his stomach and chest. His skin is hot and smooth under mine. I draw his shirt upwards until he sits up, holding me in his lap with one hand and whipping his shirt over his head with the other.

  “I love you,” I tell him.

  We are truly together for the first time. We sink into the covers of the bed and everything else falls away. It is just me and him.

  Afterwards, we lay in each other’s arms. I feel invincible, like not
hing bad can touch me. We only move to crawl under the sheets of my bed. Jayden traces patterns on my thigh. His fingers leave searing trails of warmth and I fall asleep with that comfortable burning in my heart.

  Chapter 12

  Jayden and I are woken the following morning by the vibrating of my phone. I roll reluctantly from Jayden’s arms and reach for the device. I answer and draw the screen to my ear.

  “Hello?” I mumble incoherently.

  “Were you asleep?” Paul’s voice sounds disjointed in my sleep-dazed state.

  “Ummm… maybe?” I strain my mind, trying desperately to remember whatever I had forgotten. He waited as I thought, but all I could concentrate on was Jayden’s hands rubbing my back. He rolled closer to me and my breath caught in my throat.

  “Allie? You were supposed to meet me at the hospital today, remember?”

  I exhale loudly. “Oh crap. What time is it?”

  “Two.”

  “What?! Have you started yet?” I roll towards Jayden and press my forehead into his. He holds still and listen to the phone resting between us.

  “Yeah, they just hooked me up. Are you still coming? Do you want to meet after, or I can take a rain check?” he asks, his tone laced with disappointment.

  “Ummm, give me one sec.” I cover the phone with my hand and muffle it under a pillow. “That was Paul. We had plans to hang out at the hospital while he’s treated today. Want to come, or should I cancel?”

  He nuzzles closer my cheek with his nose and sighs. “As much as I want to stay in bed with you, we should probably go keep him company...”

  I return the phone to my ear. “Give me an hour. And Jayden’s coming.”

  Jayden drags the sheets over our heads as I hang up the phone. He draws me into a passionate kiss, pressing his soft lips into mine. His tongue explores my mouth. My toes curl and my heart accelerates its beating. When he falls back into the pillow, he traces his hand along the side of my face. His fingers push hair back, tucking the stray strands behind my ear.

  “Let’s go to the hospital.”

  He pushes the sheets down and rolls from the bed, fishing our clothes from the floor and tossing mine onto the bed. I slide out, unable to keep the frown off my face until Jayden tugs me around my waist and spins me. We start dancing around the room. After a few minutes I feel compelled to protest, but a smile remains fixed on my face and I only feel a little self conscious as Jayden watches me get changed, probably noting the scars all over my body. We brush our teeth and eat some breakfast. Thankfully no one else appears to be home, so there is no awkwardness.

  “How’s Rosie?” I ask. “Is she in hospital too?”

  Jayden smiles with a mouth full of toast. Crumbs fall from the edges of his lips. I grimace and throw a placemat at him.

  “She’s really, really good. She’s in remission.” His happy expression is different when he talks about his sister. It’s a private joy burning inside him. But it’s as if he can’t hold it in and it shines through.

  “She’s in remission?” I grin wildly. “Oh Jayden, that’s amazing!”

  He laughs. “Why thank you.”

  “Wait. How long has she been in remission?” I ask, my head bobbing up so I can examine his face.

  “Officially, since yesterday.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?!”

  He smirks and cocks his head. “It was your birthday. We were talking about you. A lot of other people wanted to talk to you. And later in the night, I had other things on my mind.”

  He runs his gaze up and down my body or, at least, the part of my body visible from our seats at the dining table. I laugh. “Well, that’s great then. Congratulations!”

  “It’s really fantastic,” Jayden gushes proudly. “She’s going back to school and she’s even doing ballet. Her recital is in four weeks and she’s very excited. We’re making plans.”

  I smile, knowing how significant it is that they feel safe enough to make plans. They can expect Rosie to be healthy. I wonder, for a few seconds, what I would do if I could make plans. If I could expect to have a long life ahead of me. Would I do things differently?

  We throw our plates and cups into the dishwasher. Jayden and I leave the house within forty minutes of Paul’s phone call and make it into a car park and through to Paul’s hospital room before an hour is up. We link hands as we enter the building and whilst I try to release myself before we see Paul, Jayden maintains a tight hold. But I forget about his grip the second we step into the room.

  Instead, I am shocked into stillness by a foul smell which almost drives me away again. Nurses huddle around a split bag containing the drugs they’ve been pumping into us during the trial. The subtle smell of cleaning agents also invades my senses. I choke. Jayden lets go of my hand to drape his arm around my waist. It’s as if he’s literally holding me together. Side by side, we make our way to the other end of the room where Paul is laying.

  I forget the smell instantly when I set my eyes on Paul. At first, I can’t even process that the sickly boy before me is my best friend. He looks like a deteriorating old man. It’s been one night. One night. Then I realise it’s my fault; he should have never left the hospital last night. His skin is white and seems paper thin, as if it might just collapse at any moment. His muscles have wasted away completely and he looks even thinner in the bed, draped with a hospital gown instead of his clothes. His bald head draws attention to his eyes. They look like they’ve seen eighty years of pain.

  “Hey, Allie. Hey, Jayden. How nice of you both to join us.”

  His words are raspy and quieter than usual. The deep, almost musical quality in his voice is gone, missing. I don’t know whether it had been like that when he called, and I just hadn’t noticed in my daze, or maybe his health is spiralling downhill faster than anyone could foresee. If it’s the first, I feel terrible. But considering the second option starts a sense of dread bubbling in the pit of my stomach. He can’t be this bad. The trial was working. It doesn’t make sense.

  “I know, I know – I feel terrible, and I must look even worse,” he says. I can feel tears pooling behind my eyelids. I reach for Paul’s hand, sitting on the chair next to his bed. It hurts to see him like this. “I don’t think I’m going to make it to the movies after,” he whispers.

  “I know.” I can’t force a smile back, even though I see that his is genuine.

  “Come on, Allie! I’m not going to collapse if you treat me normally.” I don’t reply, so he continues. “I’ll prove it to you. Jayden, can you please pass me that piece of paper and the pen?”

  Jayden reaches over and hands over the items Paul had requested. “What are you doing?” he asks.

  “We’re making a bucket list,” he replies. “And, together, we have to complete it before we die.”

  It’s like he’s thrown icy water over my head. I know Jayden feels it too. He reaches for my hand and grasps it firmly. “Only people that know they’re about to die make bucket lists, Paul... So how is that ensuring that you’re going to live?” I try to be casual about it, but I’m sure it comes out sounding desperate.

  “Well, you seem to be afraid that I’m going to drop dead this second. But I wouldn’t leave you with a whole list to complete by yourself, would I?” He seems very pleased with himself.

  “Fine. We’ll make a bucket list.” I give in, but the heavy feeling refuses to lift. If anything, I feel more like throwing up than when I first walked into the room.

  “Here, let me write it.” Jayden takes the paper and pen from Paul, who was struggling to sit upright enough to see the page. Paul and I face Jayden, who has the pen poised and ready.

  “The Bucket List,” Jayden announces as he writes the title. “Number one.”

  After writing the number he looks up at me and Paul. We exchange a look in silence. After a long pause, Jayden starts laughing. Paul and I narrow o
ur eyes, thinking intently, trying desperately to come up with something. It doesn’t take long before we both give up and start laughing with Jayden. My laugh is cut short as I see the toll our amusement is taking on Paul.

  “Fine,” I retort. “You come up with something!”

  Jayden shoots me a lazy grin. “No problems. You could have a picnic somewhere strange, you could have an unusual movie marathon, you could buy something weird, you could read a certain book, you could volunteer for a charity, you could busk in a populated area…”

  Half an hour later we have six goals on the bucket list, having decided to make it ten altogether. Jayden’s writing is scrawled across the paper, taking up just over half the page. Little arrows fly all over the page, adding extra ideas as we think of them. Some of the points have badly drawn diagrams or pictures to illustrate the idea. I discover that Jayden really is an appalling artist. No wonder he always stuck to photography during art lessons.