Awakening to Life

by Guy, Caitlin

  “Emily Harrington. Before my game this morning, and after hers… because the girls’ team plays the game before the boys’. She’s in my year at school. She’s really pretty; she has blonde hair and she plays the piano. You’ll like her. We’re going to see a movie tomorrow.” Josh grins as he speaks, oblivious to my shock.

  “Ummm… that’s grea,t Josh! I’m so proud of you!”

  “Allie, your brother got a girlfriend before I did… a boyfriend that is,” Hailey complains. She crosses her arms over her chest and scowls at the ceiling.

  Josh and I laugh. “Oh, Hailey, plenty of guys have asked you out!”

  “But I don’t like any of them!”

  “What about Alex?” I ask.

  “He smells funny…” she mumbles, her eyes still glued to the ceiling.

  Josh starts in alarm. “Is that important? Oh crap – I bet I smell after practice, and that’s when I usually talk to Emily! She must think I’m weird. But then why did she agree to go out with me?! Maybe it was the pressure…”

  I try really hard not to laugh at Josh, until Hailey starts snickering. “Oh Josh… she’s just kidding. But perhaps put on some deodorant,” I say as my parents walk into the room.

  “He insisted that we come straight here, Allie. It’s not my fault he’s stinking up the room!” Dad cries, throwing his hands in the air.

  Josh runs to Dad and smothers him in a massive hug. “Now you smell too. So shut up.”

  “How was your morning?” I ask, turning to Mum and ignoring the immature males as they initiate a miniature wrestling match.

  “It was great.” She chuckles. “Josh was the star player, as usual. And he asked out a girl from school. It was so cute!”

  “Hey…” Josh complains. “I’m not cute!”

  “Don’t you want Emily to think you’re cute?” Hailey teases.

  “Nope. She thinks I’m foxy hot.”

  We all laugh. I feel so warm inside that I must be glowing. It’s not even noon and all my muscles are already sore from so much laughing.

  Then Dr. Marsden walks into the room. His movements are hesitant, and while he may have aimed not to draw attention, it is so unlike him that we all stop smiling and turn to face him. A quick grimace flashes on his face before he pulls on a mask of professionalism.

  “Allie, I need to speak to you and your parents.”

  Hailey glances at me, her eyes wide. The smile dies on her lips and the last laugh hangs heavily in the air. I know that I must look the same. I squeeze her hand. She jumps to her feet and leaves the room. Josh walks over to me, dragging his feet reluctantly. He leans over and gives me a hug. He towers over me, making me realise just how much Josh has grown up since I was first diagnosed. He’s strong and taller, but also braver, kinder, more generous. When he pulls back, I notice that his face is thinner and more mature. His body has lost the softness of a child and transformed into the body of a teenager. He has the outline of muscles on his arms and he carries himself differently, more confidently.

  He backs away towards the door. “Wait, Josh!” I call after him.

  I turn to look at my parents. Dad stands at the end of my bed, trying to cheat his body so that he can watch both me and Dr. Marsden at the same time. Mum leans back into him and his arms wrap around her automatically, without either of them noticing.

  “Can Josh stay?” I ask. Mum’s mouth purses into a flat line and Dad’s arms visibly squeeze Mum tighter. They are momentarily distracted from Dr. Marsden’s grave face. Their eyes glance from my pleading expression to Josh’s shocked, but hopeful stance by the door. They seem to come to a resolve simultaneously.

  “Sure honey,” Dad replies. Mum nods.

  I beckon to Josh who tries to walk slowly, but his pace quickens with each step. A smile flickers in the corner of his mouth, but it fades when he sits on the edge of my bed and we all turn to face Dr. Marsden.

  “I’m afraid I have some bad news,” he starts. “The drug trial has been cancelled. There’s been another death. It’s been declared to be too risky.”

  I feel cold inside. How many deaths occurred before Paul’s? Was he just another number to prove this God forsaken drug killed people; patients it promised to help? I feel like throwing up.

  “But it was helping Allie! Can’t she stay on it, seeing as she had no negative effects and she was getting better?” Josh argues quickly, cutting in before Dad opens his mouth. Nobody responds. Josh closes his mouth and stares back defiantly, although a red blush creeps into his cheeks.

  Finally, Dad agrees. “He’s right. Allie was doing so much better.”

  “It wasn’t actually helping her. Allie was part of the control group. There wasn’t any medical reason for her improvement. It’s called a placebo effect – when the body seems to get better because the mind perceives there to be a treatment,” Dr. Marsden explains.

  “So, I was never getting better?” I say evenly, my voice controlled even though I feel like I’m falling to pieces on the inside.

  “We’re back to where we were before this trial. There’s nothing more to give you, Allie. From now on, we’ll just have to think positive. It’s obviously been working so far.” His voice is laced with regret. The wrinkles around his frown seem deeper than before.

  “So, I’m still dying?” I ask.

  “You’re still dying,” he confirms sadly.

  Mum is the first to break down in tears; but as the silence extends its reach, a single tear escapes down Dad’s cheek. Josh grabs my hand tightly. His tears are the hardest to handle. I let my mind wander. Then when that doesn’t work, I count down from ten in Japanese, and then recite the first ten elements on the periodic table. But I can’t seem to block the sound of his sobs. They penetrate my frozen mind and cold heart. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to forget how to feel.

  Chapter 14

  I’m reading the final chapter of Tuesdays with Morrie, yet again, when Hailey rushes into the room. The book always makes me cry. So, of course, I am wiping the steady flow of tears from my cheeks when she arrives. I glance up from the book to find Hailey happy dancing at the end of my bed. It’s actually my bed as I’m home for a while… or at least, we hope it lasts a while. Even the pale blue painted walls are such a luxury.

  “Why are you dancing?”

  “Because it’s Monday,” she says with conviction.

  My eyebrows knit together. Why is Monday so exciting? I come up blank. It must be obvious because Hailey starts flapping around to the side of my bed. She peers down at me before whipping out a sheet of paper. I recognise it immediately; not that it’s difficult. The sheet has a massive black title, The Bucket List.

  “But Hailey –”

  “No excuses, Allie! The whole point of having a bucket list is that you are going to die, often soon. Nothing changes now that you’re definitely not getting better – in fact, it sort of makes it even more important!”

  Even though she is clearly excited about the bucket list, there are dark rings under her eyes and she doesn’t meet my eyes with the proclamation. There is a silent tugging at my heart. She doesn’t say it out loud, but I know she wants to do this for me; that the list is her way of helping me through this sickness. It’s something concrete she can do. It must be hard to visit your dying friend, only to chatter about all the things you were able to do that day. I thrive off it, living vicariously through her, Jayden, and Josh. But it must be hard for her, for them all. Basically every time I see them, I’m confined to a bed.

  “It could be fun…” I smile.

  Hailey squeals in excitement. She runs to my wardrobe and pulls out a pile of clothes, stuffing warm coats into an old gym bag lying on the floor. She throws the set of clothes in her arms onto the bed.

  “Get dressed,” she commands before flying from the room.

  The door swings shut after her. I pick up my book and
place the bookmark in the pages, staring sadly at the ten or so pages I have left; but I find the will to get out of bed. My limbs quiver as they touch the floor.

  I make my way towards my wardrobe, grab some clothes, and put them on quickly. The movements pain my muscles; but I grow accustomed to it and it hurts less and less with every shift, lift, or pull. When Hailey returns I am struggling to fasten a necklace. It’s stupid, I know; but I feel like it’ll make me a little more normal and a little less sick if I look the part of an average teenage girl. Not that my clothes are anything special. The way I’m dressed is just one step above trackies. Hailey brushes my hair to the side and clicks the clasp together in one sharp snap.

  “Ready?” she asks.

  “Shoes,” I say pointing to my feet. “But they’re downstairs…”

  “Your parents are driving us, and they’re coming.”

  I nod. “Which one are we doing?”

  “On the bucket list? Ummm, I think it’s number two. The one where you watch Josh get a goal in soccer.”

  “But he plays on the weekend,” I say, confused.

  “Yeah, but he practises on Monday. They’re going to play against the Year Ten team today! Besides, this was a good one to ease us into the whole bucket list idea.”

  I nod. “Okay. Let’s go.”

  Hailey’s attitude seems to be contagious because as I head downstairs and fetch my shoes, I find myself getting really excited. Mum and Dad walk out of the house with massive smiles lighting up their faces. I can feel my own mouth stretching upwards. It feels so good after days of frowning and crying under my pillow.

  The field is surrounded by kids in Year Nine and Ten, all watching to see if their athletes are the more talented. A few eager parents are scattered about the crowd as well. Hailey leads decisively towards a spot in the crowd, and I don’t see where she’s going until we arrive.

  “Jayden!” I cry.

  He strides over and hugs me, his warm arms wrapping around my already-tired body. He leads me to a picnic rug, on which my parents and Hailey have already claimed positions. The rug sits on the very edge of the field, with nothing to block our view of the game. Jayden sits down and pulls me onto his lap, tucking my body into his hold.

  We eat a platter of fruit and chocolates as the game is played. At first I’m frightened for the Year Nines, who are dwarfed by the bigger Year Ten boys. One boy on the Year Ten team is a mountain. When I see Josh take the field against them, it’s worrying. Then I see Josh play… and he is just as amazing as everyone has always said. He is invincible, like a magnet for the ball. He runs faster than anyone else and strides ahead of both his team’s offensive and the other team’s defence as he aims for the goal. His teammates are good too.

  I cheer along with two thirds of the crowd. It seems that even the Year Tens have a healthy respect for the Year Nine team.

  Josh is the first one on his team to score. He streaks across the field and kicks the ball into the left side of the goal. The opposition goalkeeper takes one shaky step towards it, but he’s too slow and the ball moves too quickly. As soon as he sees it go in, Josh turns to the crowd and waves in our direction. The whole crowd erupts into cheers. I scream and clap along with everyone else.

  The next run for goal takes place between two players, Josh and one other kid. They pass the ball between them, dodging an attempt at intervention by the mountain. This time, the goalkeeper is ready, standing with legs braced and bent, eyes set on the ball. The other player flicks it up with his foot, but it spins towards Josh instead of the goal. Josh takes a running leap and head butts it into the top corner of the goal, beyond the keeper’s reach.

  “Wow, what goal to witness!” Dad exclaims.

  The crowd cheers again and there are a few gasps. The players celebrate their way back to the centre. Josh grins at me as he walks back to the team, his friends slapping him on the back as he goes. The smile on my face is impossible to wipe clean. Josh’s team makes two more goals; both by other players, although Josh sets up the latter with a quick pass.

  “Our team is crap!” a Year Ten boy near us complains.

  “Nah, the Year Nines are just really good. They’ve got that kid, Josh – I think. He’s too good,” his girlfriend replies. I smile even wider. That’s my brother, I want to yell.

  The game is the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Josh runs straight up to me when the game finishes and the Year Nines are declared the clear winners. He drops to his knees and pulls me into a sweaty hug. I don’t care.

  “You were amazing, Josh!” I exclaim, squeezing him tightly.

  “You’re my good luck charm, Allie! That was the best I’ve ever played!”

  “You didn’t need me Josh; you’re so talented. I’m so proud of you.”

  Josh grins shyly. “There’s someone I want you to meet,” he says, jumping up and running off into the crowd. I lose the sight of him in seconds.

  “I wasn’t supposed to follow, was I?” I ask. Jayden and Mum chuckle. Dad rolls his eyes.

  Josh returns with a pretty blonde girl who looks to be his age. She has a delicate, heart-shaped face. Her hair is styled with two wavy layers which frame her face beautifully. Josh holds her hand like it is something very precious.

  “You must be Emily!” I say, smiling at her.

  “Hi,” she replies.

  “Emily,” Josh says in a game show style voice. “This is my sister, Allie. Oh, and her boyfriend Jayden, her friend Hailey, and my parents.” I laugh at Josh’s dismissive tone as he introduces everyone else.

  “Do you want to sit with us and have some food? I think Hailey might have left some chocolate for the rest of us…” Dad asks Emily.

  “I can’t,” she replies, pursing her lips. “My mum’s waiting. It’s been great to meet you all. Hopefully I’ll see you again soon.”

  We all say goodbye as they leave. Josh walks Emily to her mum’s car. They disappear quickly into the crowd of people heading for the car park. Jayden squeezes his arms around my waist and Hailey pulls out the list, ticking off number two.

  “See Josh hit get a goal: done,” she says as she places a large tick on the page. She looks up at me. “Now, which one shall we do next?”

  ***

  Two days later Hailey appears in my room again, unannounced — to me at least. Mum and Dad seem insistent on surprising me each morning, with friends, news, and random luxury foods which I force down and pretend to enjoy. Still, Hailey brightens my room, mostly by raising the blinds as high as they go and rifling through my possessions; she tidies everything when she puts it away.

  “Which one are we doing?” I ask as I brush my hair and pull it into a ponytail. Hailey ignores me. Today she is flipping through my phone.

  “Why is he ignoring you?” she whines, jabbing her fingers at the screen.

  “Because he knows it’s you using my phone,” I reply. “Now which one are we doing today?”

  “I’ll give you one clue, but then you have to stop bugging me. Deal?” she says, still furiously punching the call button on my phone.

  “Okay, fine.”

  “It’s not number six, because Jayden and I need to practise before we go out with you.” She sends me a cheeky grin before huffing angrily and throwing the phone roughly onto my bed. “Oh, and Josh is bringing Emily. It sucks… I’m going to be the fifth wheel, Allie! You have to promise not to get all affectionate with Jayden.”

  I giggle at her devastated face. Hailey just glares at me. “I understand his eyes are all dreamy and he has the body of a young athlete,” Hailey says. “But spare a thought for your best friend.”

  I burst out laughing, only giggling harder when the doorbell rings and Hailey almost topples off the bed. “He’s here! Let’s go!”

  I hurry down the stairs after her, clinging to the rail while she takes two steps at a time. Hailey reaches the door befor
e Mum can emerge from the lounge room. She rips it open. Emily stands in the doorway; her mum waves as she drives away.

  “Hey, Emily!” I grin, pushing Hailey out the way to usher the girl inside. “So, will you tell me what we’re doing today?”

  “Nope,” she replies, glancing at her sandals. “My lips are sealed.”

  “Good girl.” Hailey takes Emily under her arm and leads her away. “Looks like you’ll just have to wait, Allie…”

  “Is that Emily or Jayden?” Josh yells down the stairs.

  “Hey, Josh!” Emily yells back. She raises her hand to her face and attempts to shield a smile.

  “Come down, lazy!” I yell back.