by Guy, Caitlin
“Are you excited?” Jayden asks.
“Of course!”
“Are you nervous?”
My smile fades a little. I place a hand on his thigh. “I guess. Do people know that I’m coming?”
“Yeah – they’re really excited to see you. Besides, Hailey’s going to be there with her date.” He laughs.
“Hailey’s date? Who’s Hailey’s date?!” I startle even myself in the quiet of the car. But she hasn’t mentioned a date. Then, she never mentioned I’d be attending the formal either.
Jayden pulls a face. “Robert Messiener.”
“What? But he’s so quiet! How did they even talk to each other?”
“It’s actually your fault. Hailey was trying to collect some information on cancer and treatments, but she couldn’t work out how to get the photocopier working. She ended up messing the machine up pretty bad by pressing every single button. Rob saved her from the angry librarians.” Jayden clutches the steering wheel as he laughs. I giggle as I picture lanky Rob literally fending off librarians as Hailey makes a run for it.
“Okay, so what actually happened? When did this occur and who asked who about formal?” I ask once the giggling subsides.
“It happened two days ago. Rob did actually fix the machine and got Hailey out of the library before one of the librarians stabbed her. Then, as they were walked back to their lockers, he asked her to the formal.”
“And she said yes right away?”
“Yeah.” He gives me a sideways look. “I think she likes him; although she won’t admit it of course.”
We lapse into a comfortable silence as I contemplate the match between Hailey and Robert Messiener. I lose track of time until Jayden pulls into the school car park. I nibble my lip, watching out the window as girls I used to go to school with emerge from cars and even some limos. They wear some of the most attractive dresses I’ve ever seen. Jayden runs around the car again, opening the door with a flourish.
I remain seated for a moment, overwhelmed by nerves.
“Allie. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever met. Will you please, please stop biting your lip and come to the formal with me so I can make all the guys jealous?”
“And because of the pleasure of my company right?” I tease, all worry swept away.
“Of course – and because Hailey would kill me if I ditched you in the parking lot,” he replies easily. I place my hand in his and together we walk into the school gym. I gather the material of the dress and lift it to protect it from the dirt on the ground.
Then we walk into the sports gym. The hall is beautifully decorated. There is a small gasp from a couple entering behind us. A stage is set up opposite the entrance where a DJ stands bobbing with the music, which pumps from enormous speakers on either side of his turntable. We walk along a red carpet. On the far left side of the hall, tables are set up bearing food. People dance around the stage and mingle in every other free space. The principal and a few other teachers greet Jayden and I as we enter. Our photo is taken at the end of the red carpet; then we are ushered towards the centre of the hall.
“What first?” I ask, turning to Jayden after our photo.
He starts to reply as Hailey practically bowls him over by running to hug me. “Allie!” she cries.
Rob emerges from the crowd behind her a moment later, exchanging a friendly smile and greeting with Jayden. Hailey’s mouth drops as she holds me at arm’s length, examining my appearance.
“Allie – you look hot!” she exclaims. “Damn, your mum did good!”
I laugh. “You’re not looking too bad yourself. That dress is gorgeous!”
Hailey gives me a slow spin, showing off her short, black dress. The silver embellishments glimmer in the dim lights of the hall. I clap when she finishes.
She turns to Rob, a magnanimous smile on her face. “You remember Allie?”
Rob looks dazed for a moment before looking at me and nodding. “Hey, Allie!”
“Hi, Rob.”
“Enough chit chat. Shall we dance?” Jayden asks after a moment. He tightens his grip on my hand and looks down on me like he’s barely holding off on kissing me until the formal ends. Or perhaps I’m simply projecting.
“Yes!” Hailey squeals in excitement, grabbing me with one hand and Rob with the other as she takes off towards the crowd of dancing students.
I clasp Jayden’s hand and pull him with me as he mutters, “Not what I meant, Hailey!”
We dance to the upbeat music. Rob turns out to be a lot of fun, dancing wildly and making all of us laugh. Jayden and I share knowing glances as Hailey and Rob flirt shyly. It’s the first time I’ve seen Hailey without her outrageously bold attitude.
When I start to visibly tire, Jayden leads me away towards the tables of food. Hailey continues to dance with her date, barely noticing as we walk away.
“Allie!”
I turn around as a few of the girls in my year approach. “Hi. It’s really good to see you! How are you doing?”
Jayden wraps his arms around my waist as I answer. “I’m good. Your dresses are amazing!”
“Thanks! Yours is stunning!” Amanda, a girl from my English class, says.
We chatter about the best dresses and they share the latest school gossip. It feels amazing. I feel normal, as if I never left. Jayden chuckles as I express my shock at the stranger shenanigans that have taken place since I dropped out.
Once they rush off to greet another friend, Jayden and I continue over to the tables and sample the food. Jayden jokes around with some friends and I laugh with them, even when it’s something I don’t understand.
Then everyone falls quiet, the laughter cutting off almost in perfect synchronicity. All eyes look to behind me and Jayden. Aaron stands there, his shoulders hunched as he gazes at Jayden.
“May I join you?” Aaron asks.
I squeeze Jayden’s hand. He looks down at me and searches my eyes. Then he nods at Aaron, a thin smile on his face. “Okay.”
The group stands awkwardly as Aaron joins the circle. Everyone fiddles mindlessly and avoids eye contact with either boy. I catch Phil, Jayden’s friend, glancing up opposite me.
“Allie, did you hear about the latest prank?” Phil asks.
“No, what happened?”
Phil starts telling a story about a Year Twelve prank involving three pigs loose on the school grounds and a desperate search for the fourth. Everyone relaxes back into a light-hearted atmosphere, laughing at the dramatic way Phil recites ‘facts.’ I get the feeling that Phil was somehow involved, or responsible, in the way he takes pride in the incident.
Jayden and Aaron don’t speak privately, or even directly to each other within the group, but they laugh at the same jokes and Jayden loses his grimace. The night passes quickly and everyone chatters easily. Jayden and I dance again. The DJ keeps the party mood alive with a flashback to the music from our childhood every few songs, intermittent with the current Top 40. Everyone looks stunning, although some struggle to maintain their appearance in the middle of the dance floor.
Jayden barely leaves my side or lets go of my hand all night. He pays close attention to my mood. It makes me feel like a princess, even more so than the dress. When the formal draws to an end with a formal ‘thank you’ from the principal, I’m disappointed. We drag out our goodbyes, speaking one last time to everyone we’d chatted with over the night; even Aaron. Every single person hugs me and I have a cold thought in the back of my mind that I won’t see them again. Every farewell feels like a regret.
Jayden helps me into the car and we leave the school at just past ten. I glance back for one more look at the school. The buildings are old, with large sandstone bricks around the bases and beautiful finishes around the doors and windows. Although some of the interiors are more modern, you can’t escape the character of the buildings — except for
the gym of course, which is a grey concrete structure at the back of the school. So much history.
Jayden holds my hand in the car. With one arm on the wheel, he drives through the quiet side streets until we break through the houses and arrive at the ocean. We are a few kilometres down from where we’d been rollerblading when we pull over. Jayden lifts the handbrake and switches off the engine.
“Hold on,” he mutters. The cool wind gushes in as he opens the door and slides out. Then there is another cool gust when he opens the car boot and grabs an armful of fabric. He rushes back into the car and slams the door behind him, although it’s more for my benefit than his.
He throws a soft blanket over my legs and wraps another around my shoulders, tucking them in at my sides. But he leaves my arms free. A second later he presents an esky, drawing from it a container of chocolate-covered strawberries and a bottle of champagne.
“Have you tried alcohol before?”
He draws two tall, thin glasses from the esky and pours half a glass in one, handing it to me, before pouring one for himself. “No... have you?”
“A few times, at parties. But I thought you might want to try some; celebrate formal.”
He raises his glass, clinking it with mine. He winks and takes a small sip. I mimic him, almost spitting it straight back when it hits my tongue. It’s a sharp fizzy taste that takes my mouth by surprise. I swallow and turn to look at Jayden with widened eyes.
He laughs at the expression. “Don’t worry, I brought orange juice too.”
Jayden reaches back into the bag and pulls out a litre of orange juice. He shoots me a wink as he pours it into our glasses, filling them to the top. I take a cautious second mouthful. It takes much better; a slightly bubbly juice.
“Better?” Jayden asks.
“Definitely.”
Jayden balances the container of strawberries in the middle of the car, propping it up against the handbrake. I take a strawberry and bite into it. The fruit explodes in my mouth, combining the sweetness of the fruit and the subtle bitterness of the chocolate.
“Dark chocolate?” I ask.
“Yeah. Half of them are; the other are milk.” He nods.
“Delicious.”
I finish it in three bites and take another swig of the drink. There is a light breeze brushing audibly against the car and, with the engine turned off, we can hear the waves crashing against the sand. The inky black water shimmers, reflecting the night sky. It’s almost a full moon with a million stars. I lean back against the car seat and watch the ocean. Jayden does the same and we sit in a comfortable silence.
“How are you feeling?” Jayden asks, his voice quiet, as if he is afraid of disturbing the tranquillity.
“Peaceful. Thank you, this is beautiful.”
Jayden watches me and I return the gaze. He is so handsome, with grey eyes in the minimal light. He runs a hand through his hair. It flops back into place as soon as his fingers return to his drink. “Does anything hurt?”
I sigh, silently exhaling into the air. I lean my cheek into the seat, still facing him. “Everything hurts, but it’s not too bad I guess. I’m tired, weak.” Jayden’s eyebrows knit together and he looks away at the ocean. I see the stars reflected in the moisture in his eyes. “But I’m still fighting, don’t you worry.”
There is another silence. He blinks rapidly and rubs one side of his face. A few tears spill from his eyes and my heart breaks. I take his hand in mine and rub circles into his palm.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers.
I shake my head. “No, no. Don’t apologise. You’re allowed to be sad. I’d be pretty annoyed if you weren’t a little bit upset.” My voice is light and teasing, but my insides are a whirlwind of emotion.
Jayden doesn’t reply. He wipes his eyes every few seconds, trying to stop the tears before they slip from his eyes.
“I love you,” I tell him.
He squeezes my hand and then leans over to kiss me. His lips engulf mine and they move with an infectious sense of urgency. I wrap my spare arm around his neck and cling on, my other hand still gripping his. It is sweet and hot and totally overwhelming. His smell is everywhere and I want it to go on forever. But too soon he pulls away.
“I love you.” His voice is husky and broken.
It feels like hours before either of us speak again, and when we do it is Jayden who breaks the silence.
“Are you happy, Allie?” he asks.
I pause for a moment, consider giving a flippant response, then decide on the truth. “I am happy. Probably happier than I’ve ever been, even though I’m dying.”
Jayden strokes his fingers along my hand. I don’t know if my words are piercing his armour, but I let it go for now. My eyelids are drooping against my will and my head feels heavy.
“Can you please take me home now?” I ask, finishing my drink. “I’m really tired.”
“Sure, Allie.”
Jayden holds my hand the whole way home. When we pull up at my house, Jayden walks me to the door as if he is walking a tightrope, one foot in front of the other. I don’t mind. But eventually we reach the door and Jayden kisses me goodnight. It is just as intense as before. It is like he’s filling me with warmth.
I slip into the house and into bed after a few brief words to Mum and Dad. As I lay in bed, I run over every second of the night in my mind. The memories of formal and how beautiful everything was, almost distracts me from the throbbing pain in my stomach. I’m glad Jayden put the school formal on the bucket list. I would have hated missing this. Tonight was filled with so much emotion. So, I decide write out all the things I wanted to say in the car, but didn’t feel I could.
Dear Jayden,
I used to laugh at your jokes when we were in the same classes, before I really knew you. Even then I had a crush on you, but mostly because I thought you were hot. I never thought you’d be so incredibly kind, generous, smart and funny. You seem too good to be true.
I don’t have regrets; I’m happy with my life. But sometimes, I wish that I could have had more time knowing you. Even when we became friends, I was scared that you’d run off screaming when you found out that I was dying. Most guys would. I wished that you would be the exception, my fairy tale equivalent of prince charming, but I didn’t expect it. That’s why I hid myself from you.
When you found out, we became even closer. You are my first boyfriend and my first love. Jayden, you are and always will be my only boyfriend and only love.
In the time we’ve had together, you’ve made me feel beautiful and special. It was beyond easy to fall in love with you. You’ve made me so very happy.
Do you remember that date at the carnival? I cherish every moment of that memory. Our first kiss, the first time you told me you loved me… Remember the very first time you came over, before you knew about my disease? I felt so comfortable with you there.
You’ve taught me to make awesome pizzas and you accepted the fact that I won myself a giant plush toy when you couldn’t. That made me laugh, and still does, every time I picture your face in my mind. You share my love of superhero movies, no matter how cliché. You’re not afraid to be completely honest with me. You let me see you in pain, sadness, and fear, and, in doing, so you let me open up to you.
When you hold my hand, my heart fizzles. When you hug me, I feel warm and safe. I love you.
You are amazin,g Jayden. You are caring. You are thoughtful. You’re an incredible person. I wish I could see you in ten years when you work out who you want to be. Maybe I will, looking down on you. You are going to be a special, extraordinary person. All the girls are going to fall in love with you without you even trying. Make sure that you move on from me completely; don’t hold back from falling in love with the next girl that captures your heart. She will be lucky to have you.
Look out for my family if you can… Josh in particular. He looks
up to you. Wish them Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year for me.
Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you for every single moment. I hope all of your dreams come true. I love you. Goodbye, Jayden.
Forever yours,
Allie.
Chapter 18
“You’re so not going to last,” Josh teases mercilessly as Dad and Jayden struggles to put the tent up in the back garden.
The thing has curved edges and totally illogical instructions, which I attempt to explain whilst the boys just stick poles in random holes in the hope it’ll miraculously stand itself up. After an hour and a half, the plan is not working.