by Guy, Caitlin
“Yes, I am!” I exclaim, looking up from the jumbled diagram. Then I bite my tongue, not sure whether I can actually make it through the night; especially if there’s no tent. “Besides, it’s the last thing on the bucket list… I have to do it!”
He wraps his arm around me, tucking my head under his arm. “Okay, shorty, I’ll believe you.” He ruffles my hair as I scowl. Jayden looks over and laughs at the two of us.
“What are you doing just standing there, Josh?” he asks, before promptly tripping over a peg in the ground and swearing loudly. He pushes himself upright and brushes violently at the dirt on his pants.
“Language!” Dad groans half-heartedly as he attempts to connect two stick-like parts without snapping them.
Mum comes out to stand next to me with the camera in hand. “How long has it been now?” I ask.
“Almost forty minutes.” She chuckles, snapping photos of their flushed faces.
“YES!” Dad yells suddenly as his half of the tent finally stands up on its own.
He rushes around to Jayden’s side before his falls over and finally erects the tent properly. Both Dad and Jayden start a victory dance, clearly having spent too much time around Hailey in the last few weeks – that is, they dance until they realise Mum is filming. Josh literally falls to the ground laughing. Mum shuts off the camera with an evil cackle and wanders back inside.
Jayden shrugs and turns back to the tent, knocking the pegs into the ground to secure the tent in place. Dad walks to my side and rests a hand on my arm.
“Are you sure you’re going to be alright out here?” he asks.
“I’ll be fine. It’s not like it’s proper camping; we’re in the backyard. We don’t even need a phone, we can just yell out and you could hear us,” I say. “Besides, we’ve got a million blankets and a heater in the tent.”
“Just yell out if you get cold and we’ll bring you some more,” Dad says in a lowered tone.
“We will.”
“Allie, you’ve been much worse recently. We can put it off, you know. We can wait,” Dad says. He speaks softly, as though I might break if his voice is too loud or fast.
“I’ll only get sicker,” I reply, equally quiet. I don’t want Jayden or Josh overhearing. “Come on, I’m only a few metres from the door.”
I turn to Dad and smile. He takes his hand from mine and crosses his arms. He looks down at me with his mouth pressed into a thin line. He opens his mouth to speak, but I interrupt him.
“Now, go inside. Jayden and I are going camping,” I command.
He nods and moves away. “Josh! The camping trip begins. Come inside so we can watch these two survive the wild from the kitchen window.”
I laugh and, when they disappear into the house, I run to Jayden and wrap myself around him. He twists, ducks down, and lifts my feet off the ground. I fling my arms back and let the wind catch my hair. It’s like flying.
When he puts me down, I’m flushed and puffing. Jayden kisses me and I lose my breath all over again. I cling to him. And he pulls me into the tent. Giggling incessantly, I writher in a tangled mess of limbs as Jayden climbs on top of me and tickles my stomach.
“No, Jayden! Stop!” I squeal. “Please!”
His hands slide to my arms and pin me against the ground by my wrists. “But if I’m not going to tickle you, how will we pass the time?” he asks, a mischievous grin crossing his face.
We play thumb wars, but he lets me win half of them to make it even. Then we play Rock-Paper-Scissors, and I don’t let him win a single game. He grabs me after about twenty wins in a row, folding my body into his embrace. After that, we switch to Monopoly; my favourite game. Jayden is spoiling me.
It gets dark quickly. We’ve already eaten dinner, but Jayden has a perpetual sweet tooth; so I fashion a meal out of chocolate biscuits and marshmallows. Jayden wraps me in three fluffy blankets and cranks up the portable heater, connected to a power point inside by two extension cords. I hold the marshmallows over the heater as if we’re cooking them over a campfire. Jayden laughs as I pass him a moderately warmed marshmallow sandwich.
We sit in the tent, gazing up at the clear, night sky outside. I watch the stars twinkling far above, thinking how strange it is that most of them have died by the time we see them. So far in the distance, their last images would be Earth. They would see everything from up there.
“What are you thinking about?” Jayden asks. His fingers trace love hearts on my neck. They leave warm trails of tingling behind them and I feel the shapes pleasantly seared into my skin.
“I was wondering if I’ll be up among the stars after I die. It would be so beautiful up there, and Earth would look so serene. I could watch all the people far below – keep you safe as you sleep.” I turn to look at Jayden, meeting his beautiful blue eyes. He looks away.
“And during the day?” he asks.
“I’ll be a rainbow,” I reply smiling, but Jayden seems to be fighting tears. “ I’d watch Josh playing his soccer games and making all the girls fall in love with him, Hailey going to university and marrying some poor guy that doesn’t know what he’s getting into, and you…”
“That’s fitting,” he whispers. His voice breaks, even as quiet as it is. The sound hurts more than all the pain I’ve suffered over the years. I can’t watch him like this; but I can’t walk away.
“How so?”
He refuses to meet my eyes. “They’re fleeting, but so beautiful. Guaranteed to bring happiness to those who see them.”
I smile, but he doesn’t see. His head is bowed, leaning on my shoulder — as though he were praying, or furling up into himself like a dying flower. I twist my body so that we’re facing each other. “Jayden, look at me.”
He raises his eyes to meet mine. “I know you think that it’s unfair for me to die so young, but I’m okay with it. I’ve been dying for a long time. I’ve been so lucky to get to know you, Paul, and Hailey recently. I do wish I could spend more time with you, but you will go on to live a fantastic life. Maybe when you see a rainbow, you’ll remember that I’m smiling down on you — but new opportunities will open up for you. You will value life like few people do these days. You will know how important it is to love and love with your whole heart while you can.”
“You sound like a self-help book. Why aren’t you angry? Why aren’t you upset and screaming at God or fate or whatever for taking everything away from you?” His voice is rough and husky. His body tenses and his hands scrunch into fists.
“Because I’m happy, Jayden. At least I’m happy.”
“Bullshit. I don’t believe you. Tell me the truth, Allie. You can’t be completely at peace with the idea that in months you’ll be dead.” Jayden’s face loses colour as he chokes on the last word. His hands press tightly against my side.
Something in me snaps.
“Fine! I love you Jayden. I miss you already. I miss everyone already, even though I’m the one that’s dying. I’m scared that there’s nothing after life — that life just ends at death. I’m terrified at the thought that I won’t see my brother become the wonderful, kind man that I know he will be. I’m angry that I’ll never have a job, or get married, or have kids. I’m worried about the pain I’ll feel towards the end. But Jayden, I’ve gone through a lot. I’ve fought the cancer for years and years. I’ve gone from treatment to treatment, each one worse than the one before. I’m done with hospitals. I’m done with all the bad stuff. I’m dying with my parents, Josh, Hailey, and you by my side the whole way. I’m so happy right now, and I’m going to keep being happy until the day I die. How many people can say that?”
Neither of us speaks for a moment. The only sounds are the hooting of night birds and the rustling of the wind in leaves. I listen to the music that nature is making, thinking of how beautiful it all is.
“I’m sorry,” Jayden whispers. He runs his hand through his hair. O
nly then do I notice how badly he is shaking.
“Hey,” I say gently. “It’s going to be okay.”
“I don’t know how you do it.” He takes in a breath, struggling to let go of the words. “I want to spend every moment there is left with you. But there will never be enough moments, Allie. You’re going to get sicker and sicker. I want to graduate high school with you. I want to hold your hand during a scary movie, kiss you in the rain, watch the sunrise with you, talk to you all night on the phone… You know, half of those things would put you in hospital. Mainly, I’m scared. I’m so terrified of you dying. I don’t want to believe it’s true. Most of the time I forget and then it’s like I’ve been punched in the face because I remember you don’t have much time left.”
I pull him into a hug, resting his head on my chest and struggling not to cry. I need to be strong.
“It’s okay, Jayden,” I soothe. “It’s okay to be scared… and angry too. It’s normal.”
Jayden pulls away to bring himself level with me. His eyes pierce into mine. His hands trace the edges of my face. “I love you, Allie. I’m going to miss you so much.”
“I love you too,” I whisper. “So much… And I don’t know how to make this easier for you. But I wish I could take away the pain.”
One hand drops to mine. He massages his warmth into my skin. He is the most incredible boy on the planet. My heart feels like it will burst every time he touches me. His confession makes me want to cry. I feel like I’m drowning in unshed tears.
“I’m not religious, Allie.”
“You don’t have to be to believe, or have hope,” I reply.
“Do you believe in heaven?” he asks.
“Yeah. I’ve thought about it a lot. I believe there is a god. Maybe He can’t control what happens on Earth though. I mean, He just created us and then let nature take over. But there are too many miracles for it to be all left to chance.”
“Like what?”
“Like meeting you, and falling in love with you. Like rainbows and perfect shells being washed up on the beach for some imaginative, dreaming child to happen across.” I smile and press my face into his. I kiss the corner of his lips.
“Those things make you happy?” he asks quietly.
“Yes.”
I want to make him laugh. I want him to smile and swallow his tears, but I think he needs to hear this from me. I guess he needs to know that I am content and happy, with no doubt in his mind. I think he needs something to cling onto when I’m gone.
I lean in. This time, I leave a trail of kisses from the base of his neck to his mouth. The taste is sweet but my passion builds as his lips respond to mine and I pull him closer. His arms envelop my body. I feel like I’m burning as his hands run up and down my back. He kisses my mouth, cheeks, nose, forehead, eyelids, ears, and neck. It still isn’t enough.
I pull him to the ground on top of me. He doesn’t break contact. Pulling his mouth back to mine, I kiss him until I feel I have given every last ounce of strength in my body. He pulls away and looks into my eyes.
“I love you.” His voice is thick with emotions.
His hands run over my body, carefully pulling my clothes off under the pile of blankets. I ease my hands along his skin, fighting every piece of material that separates us.
“I love you more.”
We are together and everything else falls away. It’s just me and him. We lay in each other’s arms. I feel invincible, like nothing bad can touch me. We only move to pull our clothes back on, cuddling together in the sleeping bag to keep warm. Jayden writes with his fingers on my thigh and I try to make out the words.
I must fall asleep like that, because when I next open my eyes, the sun is streaming through the fabric of the tent. The flap is closed and Jayden is asleep with my head resting on his chest and my arm across his stomach.
Even though my mind is fully awake, my body is exhausted. Tiredness sits in every muscle, fighting to take over. But the pain wins out, keeping me awake. Every limb aches, even though the floor of the tent is insulated with three layers of pillows and blankets. They do little to prevent me from shivering. There is ice in my veins.
I try to move my head, to sit up. My stirring wakes Jayden. He twitches, his arms wrapping around my body, which prevents me from moving. His eyes flick open; I feel his eyelashes brush my cheek as they do. He groans under his breath.
“Good morning,” I tease.
“Hello.”
I try to move away again. He complains with wordless uttering, but allows me to roll away. We both stretch out, as much as possible in the small tent. Then he shuffles his head towards mine and kisses my lips. His breath tastes a little gross. Mine must be the same.
I take his hand in mine and drop my head back into a pillow. We lay in silence for a few minutes.
“Did you sleep okay?” he asks.
“Yeah. You?”
“Yep.” He turns to look into my eyes. “You were smiling in your sleep.”
I stare into the ceiling on the tent. The material shivers in the light breeze. I think back, piecing together an answer.
“I was dreaming,” I say. “Of you and Josh playing at the beach. I was watching with Paul; we were having a picnic in a beautiful garden on the beachfront.”
Jayden leans over and kisses my cheek.
“Sounds nice,” he murmurs.
We lay still, listening to the sounds of my backyard and those drifting out from the kitchen window. Someone is banging around with pots, plates, and cutlery. I can hear talking, but the words are muffled.
Jayden’s stomach grumbles audibly. I laugh at the sound. It’s like an angry lion in the wilderness.
“Come on,” I tell him. “Time to go scavenge some breakfast.”
He chuckles and pushes himself upright, ducking his head to avoid the poles of the tent. I follow, struggling to force myself into a sitting position. Jayden pulls me up, taking most of my weight. Then he crawls around me and opens the tent flap, crawling through and dragging me with him. We walk across the backyard and into the house. Dad, Mum, and Josh are all in the kitchen, with Dad cooking pancakes, Mum squeezing orange juice and Josh setting the counter with cups and cutlery. There are enough places for all of us — Jayden and myself included.
“Hey, kids!” Dad exclaims when he sees us. “Hungry?”
I grin. “I’m not. But Jayden’s stomach won’t shut up.”
Dad laughs. “Well, good thing the first lot of pancakes are ready!”
He serves four small pancakes onto separate plates. Josh hands one to Jayden, one to Mum and another to me, taking the last one for himself. I sit at the counter and try to force myself to want the food. My stomach churns and I feel a little like throwing up.
Jayden and Josh tuck into the food and finish it in less than a minute and a half. Mum takes slower, more reasonable bites and I nibble at the edges of the pancake, using my fork to rip off small bites.
“I’m really not hungry yet,” I say. “It’s too early for me! Jayden, have some of my pancake.”
“You sure?” He analyses my face. I stick my tongue out at him, but my stomach shoots up into my throat. I force the feeling down and away. “Yes. I’ll have something later.”
Jayden takes the pancake, and then eats two more from Dad’s next two batches. Eventually everyone is full.
“How was camping?” Mum asks.
“Great!” I reply, perhaps a little too enthusiastically as I am jolted back to reality. There is a fine mist over my vision and my thoughts seem to be moving too quickly for me to grab at them before they pass and disappear forever.
“Well if Allie can camp in the backyard, why don’t we go on a holiday?” Josh asks. He directs the question to Dad, continuing when he sees a dark shadow fall over Dad’s features. “It doesn’t have to be far! We could take a short drive to a country
town? Or a flight could be more comfortable. Just a short one, to the closest city!”
Dad shakes his head slowly. “We’ll see, Josh.”
I can’t take it anymore. My spine feels like it will snap and every bone in my body is screaming at me simultaneously. I slide off the stool, wincing as my feet find the hardwood floor with a sudden jolt. I push away from the counter, but one step is too much and my body caves inwards. It goes crashing to the floor, although my mind feels somehow separate. The pain of hitting the ground brings me back to reality. I groan at the explosion in my head.
“Allie!”
I don’t know who yelled, probably more than one of them. The voices are distorted. But it is Dad who gets to me first.