by Sue Lawson
‘So? It’s true!’ Sas’s voice carved through the hum of the airconditioner. She leant towards me. ‘If he dies, Ruby, it’s your—’
‘Stop it,’ said Mum. ‘Sas, you’re upset. What happened to Khaden is terrible, but it’s no one’s fault.’
‘Why couldn’t you just shut up, Ruby?’ Tears splashed down Sas’s cheeks.
‘I’ll call you tomorrow, Ginny,’ said Lou, guiding Sas, who’d started to sob, to the door.
Sas
Please. Please. Please. Please God, Buddha, Allah, Universe, Higher Power, whoever.
Please.
I’ll never bitch about having to look after the girls again.
I’ll call Dad—twice a day, every day.
I’ll try harder with Lee.
I’ll even visit Aunty Mavis at that stinky old people’s home.
Please, please. I’ll do anything.
Ruby
I pretended to fall asleep on the way home so Mum wouldn’t try to talk to me about what had happened, or about Dad. The moment she pulled on the handbrake in the driveway, I bolted to the bathroom. Under the shower, I tried to wash away Khaden’s blood and the memory of what had happened. The hot water ran out.
In bed I snuggled under the doona, trying to warm the chill in my heart, and stared at the night shadows outside the window. The door eased open. Mum crept across the room, lay down and wrapped her arms around me.
‘Stuart’s staying at a motel,’ she said.
‘He told you, then?’
‘You poor, poor kid,’ she said into my shoulder. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘What are you sorry for?’ I pushed the words past the lump in my throat.
‘If I’d been a better Mum … paid more attention. I knew something was troubling you, Ruby, something big. I should have made you talk.’
‘It wouldn’t have changed anything.’
‘It might have, and you wouldn’t have had to cope with that awful secret on your own.’
Huge sobs rushed from me. I wriggled around and, face buried in Mum’s shoulder, let them come.
Sas
Kaleidoscope of feelings
Hurtling through my brain.
Agony and despair wrestle hope and faith.
Daring to dream, daring to believe, despite the
Earnest faces that come and go.
Not listening, won’t listen, to the words they say.
Ruby
Mum woke me after she’d taken Archie to school. While she emptied the dishwasher, I sat at the table, poking the muesli and yoghurt with my spoon. All I could think about was Khaden’s face as he lay on the footpath. And all that blood.
I jumped when the phone rang.
‘Got it,’ said Mum, closing the dishwasher door.
She answered in her formal voice.
I sipped orange juice. Silence drew my attention back to Mum. Her face had turned grey and her mouth hung open.
Dad, I figured.
But then she glanced at me and her face crumpled.
‘Mum?’
She raised her hand. ‘Thanks for calling, Lou. And Sas? Oh, of course. Yes, yes, I know. I’ll tell her. It’s just too awful.’ Mum placed the phone in its cradle as though it might shatter.
I pushed back from the table. ‘Mum, what’s wrong?’
When she looked up, she was crying. ‘Oh, Ruby. It’s Khaden.’
Sas
KHADEN JAMES ELLIOT
To: [email protected]
Hey Dad, thanks for coming today, it was so good to see you, and to talk, you know, really talk. After the way I’ve treated you, I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d stayed away. You do know I couldn’t have written that thing without your help, don’t you?
Sorry about all the tears. Who knew I could cry so much? I’m not sure I said all the things I needed to, and I figured with all my blubbering it would have been tough for you to understand, so I’m emailing the important bits.
Dad, seriously, you think I was angry because you are gay? Sure, that surprised me, but it didn’t shock me. What shocked me was that you didn’t feel you could be honest with me.
I can understand that Nona and Aunty Leta’s reaction must have hurt you, but I’m nothing like them. At least I know why you haven’t seen Nona and Aunty Leta for a while and why they stay away from us.
Anyway, back to us. It wasn’t the gay thing that hurt. What hurt—really hurt and made me so angry—wasn’t that you’re gay, but that you didn’t tell me yourself. I couldn’t, and still can’t understand why you just sat there while Lee blurted it out in that horrible black and steel café (which, FYI, is not cool. It’s just cold and soulless). Call me paranoid, but it was as though Lee enjoyed telling me.
As well as pissed, I have to admit to being embarrassed.
How stupid am I not to have worked out that you and Lee were together? You two must have thought I was such an idiot. I mean, hello, Lee came just about everywhere with us—the beach, cafés, movies. It makes me cringe to think about it.
You know what else? I keep remembering all those things I said to you about Lee. Why didn’t you stop me? Don’t get me wrong, I meant them, Lee is an old woman. He does pick on your cooking and clothes too much, and he does need to stop fighting it and just go bald, but you could have told me to shut up, or at least, said something.
And when you started taking Lee to stuff instead of me – the African band at the zoo first, then the air show – that really hurt. They used to be our things. It was like you’d dumped me.
His age bugs me too. He’s not even twenty-five and you’re old. I never figured you for a cougar. (Does cougar apply to gay people?)
So there it is, Dad, that’s what I was trying to tell you today. I stopped talking to you because I was mad, embarrassed and hurt. I was trying to hurt you back, only it turns out all I did was hurt myself more.
After Khaden, being so angry with you seems stupid. I don’t want us to fight anymore, Dad. I’m sorry, completely sorry.
Last thing, while I’m apologising. I’m sorry I bit your head off about Ruby, too. Yeah, you’re right, I do need to talk to her properly, but just not yet.
No wonder she was off her head knowing all that stuff about her dad. It must have been horrible. Maybe one day, if we are honest with each other, Ruby and I can, I don’t know, be okay.
I’m going to try and sleep before tomorrow. I wish I could run from it all, be anywhere but here. Everything here reminds me of Khaden. I hate the thought of life, school next year, of everything without him. How am I meant to deal with that, Dad?
I’ll see you tomorrow. I’m so glad you will be there with Mum and me. Can’t believe you conned Lee into babysitting the girls. Not sure who to feel sorry for—okay, that was uncool. If you’re happy Dad, then I promise to try.
Last thing, really, truly the last thing.
Will the hole in my chest ever go away?
I love you Dad, and I miss you.
Sassy
xoxoxe
Ruby
At Khaden’s funeral, I sat behind a pillar with Mum, who kept her arm wrapped around my shoulder. Even after everything that had happened over the last couple of days, she sat straight and tall.
Sas was in the front row with her dad, Taj, Mike and Lou. I only glanced at them a couple of times. It hurt too much to see the sorrow on their faces.
Across the aisle from me, a woman with dark skin and long fingers like Khaden, cried the whole time. She hung her head when Mike talked about how hard it was for Khaden not having his mum around.
When Taj spoke, he told stories about Khaden playing Guitar Hero, crashing Taj’s new bike into a brick fence and buckling the wheel, and smashing Mike’s Led Zeppelin record when he used it as a Frisbee. That made everyone laugh, except for the woman to my right. She cried harder.
Even though my throat hurt and my eyes stung, I didn’t cry. I thought I was cried out, but then came Sas’s turn to speak about Khaden—her boyfriend—and the
tears streamed down my face. I cried for Khaden, Sas, me, Mum, and Dad, wherever he had moved to, and I cried for us—Khaden, Ruby and Sas.
I couldn’t face the photos that flashed across the display board, not even when Mum said, ‘You were so little.’ I figure I was in a few of them, but why wouldn’t I be? Khaden, Sas and I used to be inseparable.
After the service at the cemetery, Mum and I waited behind a group of people to speak to Mike and Taj, who both hugged me. I couldn’t find the right words to say to them, so I said nothing.
As we were walking back to the car, I noticed Taj standing, arms folded, under an old gum. The woman who’d been sitting opposite me and Mum at the church, the one with the hands that reminded me of Khaden’s, was talking to him. Taj’s face was pale and twisted as though he was in pain.
I realised, and gasped.
‘What Ruby?’ asked Mum.
‘That woman. She’s Khaden’s mum.’
Before Mum could speak, Sas called out to us. ‘Ruby, can we talk?’ She stood with her dad to our right.
‘Want me to come?’ asked Mum.
‘Please.’
I stopped a few steps away from Sas and Angelo. Sas’s eyes were glazed and her nose red. I reached out to her, but she stepped back.
‘Sas…’
‘Ruby, I wanted to apologise for the way I spoke to you at the hospital. I was…’
‘It’s okay—’
‘I’m not done.’ Even though her voice broke, she stood tall. ‘I was cruel and I’m sorry…’ She took a deep breath. ‘It wasn’t your fault.’
Angelo squeezed her shoulder.
‘Sas, we’ll—’
‘I’m going to live with Dad for a while.’ She looked at her feet. ‘I just can’t be here…’
Her words were a bucket of water on my hope that we could patch up our friendship.
‘Okay.’
I started to leave, but stopped.
‘Sas, I loved him too, you know. Not the same way you did, but I loved him.’
A sob caught in her throat.
‘Let’s go, Ruby,’ said Mum, a hand on my elbow. I let her guide me between the headstones and out onto the road.
Sas
A Year Later…
To: [email protected]
Hey Ruby.
How have you been? Living in Torquay is pretty good. Who’d have thought? The school is smaller than ours, and there’s a teacher a hundred times worse than Mrs Bosworth, I kid you not.
Dad’s new place is pretty cool. It’s not far from the surf beach. I can hear the waves from my bedroom at night.
Even though Dad and Lee are still together, Dad moved out of Lee’s after Christmas, so we could move in together. Pretty cool, huh? I’m working mega-hard on being nicer to Lee. It’s not easy though.
I’m also learning to surf, which is easier than trying to be nice to Lee, and I’m back swimming too, not in the pool though, at the beach. I’m doing my bronze medallion so I can be a lifeguard. It’s heaps of fun. The guys are hot too. You’d love it.
Mum told me your dad and mum have split for good. Ruby, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I was so caught up in my own stuff, so angry with Dad, that I didn’t pay any attention to you. I wasn’t much of a friend.
Anyway, I was thinking, I’m coming back for a few weeks at Christmas and it’d be great—at least if you’re up for it—I’d like to see you. Maybe I could come around or something.
I understand if you don’t want to see me.
I miss him Ruby, still, so much it hurts.
And I miss you too.
Sas
xo
Ruby
To: [email protected]
Dear Sas,
I’m glad Torquay is working out for you. Lifesaver, hey? You’d be good at that.
Everything is the same here, only not. The Fink was my homeroom teacher this year. What sort of cruel and unusual punishment is that? Lyndal and Penny spent all year trying to suck up to me. (I know they just wanted goss.) I hung out with Larnie most of the time. She never asked about Khaden, but she did ask about you.
Yeah, Mum and Dad are divorcing. Didn’t muck around, did they? Can’t blame Mum, Dad had been with that woman for over a year. Sucks, hey?
Mum’s up and down, but she’s okay, she’s probably better than okay, really. She’s tougher than I thought she was. She’s taken leave from work and has been going to this counsellor, psychologist person. She made me go too, which is actually okay.
Remember that time I ran out of the burger joint, and how I’d go all sweaty all the time? Turns out, I’ve been having anxiety attacks since I saw Dad in the café with his girlfriend.
Kathy, the psychologist, is teaching me how to deal with them. They were chronic after Khaden, but I can handle them now.
It’d be good to see you, if you feel like it. Call me when you get here.
Say hi to Ange—I’m glad you two are friends again. Good luck with Lee. I can’t stand Dad’s new girlfriend, if that makes you feel any better. She’s a complete bimbo!
Think Dad and I will ever be friends again?
And Sas, yes, I still miss him. I miss you and Khaden all the time. It’s as though a massive, important part of me is missing.
Hope I see you at Christmas.
Love Ruby x
To Kaye Shaw—truly one in a million.
Special thanks to Bruce and Courtney, for being my first readers and for their patience and love.
Melissa, Andrew and KT and all the crew at black dog books. Dare You wouldn’t be half of what it is without you guys. Thank you!
Radio announcer, teacher, MCG attendant, nightclub DJ, shop assistant, swimming teacher, babysitter … just a few of Sue Lawson’s jobs before she turned a passion for writing into a career.
Sue grew up on a farm near Hamilton, Victoria, and now lives in Western Victoria with her husband Bruce, daughter Courtney, and Milly the Cavoodle.
Sue’s books include Allie McGregor’s True Colours (Winner of the Family Therapists’ Award for Literature for Older Readers), Finding Darcy, and After. When Sue is not writing or teaching, she leads writing workshops for children and adults.
Visit Sue at: www.suelawson.com.au
Table of Contents
Cover
Copyright
Table of Contents
Khaden
Ruby
Sas
Khaden
Ruby
Sas
Khaden
Sas
Ruby
Sas
Ruby
Khaden
Ruby
Sas
Khaden
Ruby
Khaden
Ruby
Sas
Ruby
Sas
Khaden
Ruby
Sas
Ruby
Khaden
Ruby
Khaden
Ruby
Sas
Khaden
Ruby
Khaden
Ruby
Sas
Ruby
Khaden
Ruby
Khaden
Sas
Khaden
Sas
Khaden
Ruby
Sas
Khaden
Ruby
Khaden
Ruby
Sas
Ruby
Khaden
Ruby
Khaden
Ruby
Sas
Khaden
Sas
Ruby
Khaden
Ruby
Khaden
Ruby
Sas
Ruby
Sas
Ruby
Sas
Ruby
Sas
Ruby