With the faucet running, and the door shut firmly behind her, she let her tears flow, sending up a silent prayer that, somehow, they’d survive this.
I Want to Live—Skillet
Bryce walked in the door around eight p.m., after a day filled with a bunch of political bullshit, and flung his fatigue jacket on the chair and untucked his shirt. There was a brown bag in his left hand, filled with amber-colored liquid that he hoped would help keep the demons away for another night.
They had been back from Montana for a little more than a week, and he’d busied himself with work and Army life to cope. Mostly, he and Lacey had been ships passing in the night, with her heading out the door just as he was coming home for the evening. There was catching up to do and training the soldier that was taking his place.
Meanwhile, Lacey was packing up her grandmother’s place, while working her last few shifts at the bar. There had been little time for anything else. Hell, in another week, they’d be on a plane, headed to Germany. At least he’d have a week to settle in there before he had to report to duty.
He hadn’t noticed that he wasn’t alone, until Lacey walked out of the kitchen with a plate of food in her hand. His stomach grumbled at the sweet smell of spaghetti.
“You’re home.” He looked up at her with bloodshot eyes.
“I am. Did you not notice my car out front?” She set the plate down on the coffee table in front of him as he untied his boots.
With her hands empty, she swooped up the bottle of booze, out of his reach.
Ignoring her question, he pointed to the bag. “What’re ya doing with that?” She could have sworn his words slurred.
“This?” Lacey waved the bottle around, watching him as his eyes followed her hand. “This is mine.” Reaching out, she grabbed a bottle of water and pushed it in his direction. “This, is yours.”
Bryce hmphed. “Give me the damn bottle back, Lacey, and get off my ass.”
“No. That’s not going to happen.” Her insides wavered but her voice did not. Coming home the night before and finding a half-empty bottle of Jack on the counter, Lacey knew she was missing something, and she wasn’t about to watch the one person she loved waste away in a bottle of booze.
“Give me the fucking bottle.” He stood and stepped in her direction.
Lacey swallowed hard and let go of the bottle, locking eyes with him as it tumbled to the hardwood floor and shattered.
“Motherfucker.” He spun around, his hands on his head. “You think that will stop me?” He turned back to Lacey. “I’ll go get another.”
“Not tonight. Bryce Matheson, if you love me half as much as you say you do, you’ll turn your ass right back around and sit on the couch. You’ll drink this bottle of water and talk to me. The drinking stops now!”
He pinched his brows together, his lips set in a straight line. He held her gaze, waiting to see if she’d cave. So, his drinking hadn’t been as subtle as he thought. “You don’t get it, Lacey.”
“I don’t. You’re right. But you damn well aren’t talking to me so that I can even begin to understand what you’re going through!”
“I don’t want to talk about shit, Lacey. I’ve seen too much. Done too much shit! The guy who saved my life; he didn’t think his life was worth living anymore. One of my men killed himself. Took his own damn life. Why, Lacey? What the fuck is the point? He saved me but couldn’t save himself. I couldn’t save him!” The dam had been opened, and he was breaking. “What’s so wrong with wanting to numb the pain? I just want to numb the pain.” His voice cracked for a moment. Then he rolled his shoulders, jumping up from the couch and pacing around the living room. “Until I can get out of here and back in the field with my men. That’s the only time I can shut everything off. Don’t you get it?”
“Bryce you’ve got to tell someone. You need to get help. Do you really think you can command a unit like this?”
“I can’t, Lacey! It’s not that damn simple. I can’t go telling the Army that I’m fucked up. I worked too damn hard to get where I am.” It didn’t matter that Lacey might be right. Maybe he did need someone to talk to. But he couldn’t risk the Army thinking he wasn’t fit to command his troops.
“You cannot go on like this. I can’t stand by and watch you self-destruct, Bryce.”
“Lacey, I sat up every night, listening to Jerry’s screams. I sat by his side, day after day, and I still didn’t see it. How the fuck can I command my men when I can’t even recognize when one of them needs help?”
“Newsflash, soldier, you’re not going to be able to command anyone if you don’t have your head in the game. Drinking, that’s not going to help you get where you need to be. Do you really want to let Jerry’s death be in vain? He saved your goddamn life. You owe it to him to live, Bryce.”
She was right. Shit, she was right. He knew it. He wasn’t any good to anyone under the influence. It was way past time he got a grip and pulled his head out of his ass. Flopping down on the couch again, he let his head fall back and propped his hands on the back of the sofa. “You’re right.”
Fuck, and he was relenting. He was way off his game.
Lacey sat next to him. Reaching out, she placed a hand on his thigh and squeezed. “Let me help you through it. Don’t shut me out.”
“You don’t deserve to see the ugly, Lacey. You’re too beautiful to be tainted by my horror stories.” And it was the truth. There was no way he could confess to her the terror that he’d experienced.
“You’re not tainting me. You’re letting me help shoulder the load. It’s what people do when they’re in relationships, Bryce. Let me be there for you.”
“It’s never been this bad before,” he confessed in a whisper. “The nightmares, the flashbacks; it’s never been this bad.” He lifted his head and looked her in the eye. Even if they were not his men, they were still his brothers, and he’d pushed those feelings down for far too long. Jerry’s death had taken an unexpected toll on him. “I can’t. Lacey, I cannot tell them how fucked up my head is. If the Army thinks I can’t handle what they need me to do, I’m out. You’ve gotta understand; the Army is my life. It’s everything I’ve ever known. I wouldn’t have a damn clue how to be a civilian. I still have fight left in me, Lacey. I just need to get through this. And I damn well will not tell you the shit I’ve seen. I won’t do it.”
“Maybe you should start with a goodnight’s sleep? Find someone you can talk to. There should be someone you can reach out to, Bryce. You can’t do this. I do not want to move halfway around the world with someone who is determined to drink himself to death.”
“Let it go, Lacey. Goddammit, let. It. Go,” he roared I’m not going to see some fucking shrink. I wanted to come home tonight and have a drink. Take my mind off things. You couldn’t let that happen, though. Talking isn’t going to fix this.”
“Fine. Don’t talk. Go shower and take your ass to bed. I’ll clean up out here.”
He wanted to protest. He should be the one cleaning up the spilled whiskey on the floor, even if she was the one who made the mess. But the thought of a nice hot shower and a warm bed enticed him more.
Crazy As Me—Granger Smith
Two weeks later - Baumholder, Germany
“Jesus Christ, where the hell are my damn fatigues, Lacey!” Bryce yelled as he pulled more and more clothes from his duffle.
Lacey walked in their bedroom and laughed. “I told you last night, they’re in the closet. Cleaned and wrinkle-free, soldier.” She moved behind him and stood on her tippy toes to reach his shoulders, massaging him. “Relax. You act like you’ve never done this before.”
Bryce rolled his head and leaned back against Lacey. “Sorry. I’m not used to shit being so disorganized. Fucking annoyed that half the things we did bring haven’t even made it here yet. I don’t know what the fuck the Army is waiting on.” He turned and pulled her against his chest, kissing the top of her forehead.
“Ohhh, soldier. What am I going to do with you?”
Most of their stuff had been packed up and sold or donated because they couldn’t bring it with them. What Lacey needed to keep, for sentiment value or otherwise, he recruited Connor to help him move to storage near his place. After debating things and working out details, Lacey courageously decided to sell her grandmother’s house, while Bryce rented out his for the time being.
With all the renovations they’d done on her grandmother’s place since Eloise passed away, it didn’t sit on the market for long either. They got a call, with an offer, the first day they arrived in Germany.
What they could ship was up to the Army to make sure it arrived. And most of it hadn’t.
“Finish getting dressed; you’re supposed to be at work soon.” Lacey kissed his lips. “I’ll make you a cup of coffee.”
Bryce shook his head in frustration as he tugged his uniform from the hanger. Maybe he should have checked the closet first. Fuck. He was jittery as hell about going to work today. Like he hadn’t done shit like this a thousand times before. He had been stationed in Germany not long after he enlisted, for about a year, before he did his first tour in the Middle East.
He was a grunt then, though. Now…now he was running with the big dogs. And apparently, he was pretty damn amped up about it.
Then there was the worry about Lacey. Shit, he didn’t want to leave her in the U.S., but now he was worried about her being in a foreign country, alone, while he was working and potentially unavailable at times. It didn’t help matters that she was carrying his child on top of it. A stark reminder of part of the reasons why he stayed single for so long.
Shit. He was overthinking everything. He needed to put his game face on and be the soldier he knew he was. No more of this pansy shit. Fuck, when had he became such a worrier?
Tucking his shirt into his pants, Bryce fastened his belt and slipped on his jacket.
He could smell the coffee brewing now. Maybe a good cup of joe would help him get it together.
It wasn’t the coffee that helped center him, though. It was Lacey. Waltzing around the kitchen in one of his gray Army shirts and a pair of basketball shorts, she moved with ease as she poured coffee in a travel mug and added the creamer and sugar just the way he liked.
Leaning back against the wall, he continued to watch, taking it all in. The kitchen was small – eat-in style, but it was updated. And it came with a coffee pot. Something they were both grateful for. Their second day on base, Bryce took Lacey to the PX and the Commissary, where she shopped till she dropped – buying everything they needed to survive on and couldn’t bring with them.
Pots, pans, dishes, glasses, the coveted coffee cups, and his essential, a TV. Somewhere between here and back home, they’d found time to look online with referrals from the Army, and found a reputable place that delivered a new couch, a recliner, and a mattress set later the same day of their little shopping spree. Bryce was glad he had quite the nest egg going because, even with the Army allowance and advance, shit wasn’t cheap. They – well, Lacey – hadn’t really decorated; in part, because some of the things they wanted in their home were still God knows where.
Lacey had just put the lid on his cup and turned, finally noticing he was standing there. He couldn’t help but chuckle when she jumped just a little and grabbed her chest.
“You scared the shit out of me.”
“Sorry. I was just admiring the view.”
“Yeah, yeah. Here. Coffee.” Lacey shoved the cup at his chest. “Now, get. Before you’re late and they make you do pushups.”
Bryce laughed. “In a hurry to get rid of me already?”
“No. Of course not.” Lacey reached for her own cup, bringing it to her lips and taking a sip.
“You’re not going anywhere today, right?”
Lacey rolled her eyes at him. “No Bryce, I’m not leaving the house. I’ll be right here. I plan on reading, taking a bubble bath, a nap, and doing some window shopping online. If you’re lucky, maybe I’ll cook you dinner.”
He chuckled again. They were both still getting used to the time change, but it had really affected Lacey. “Ok, feisty. I’m going. I’ll see you when I get home. I’ll try to check in if I can.” He moved toward her for a hug and kiss.
“Ok, now get.” Lacey swatted at him when he lingered too long on her lips. “I’ll see you tonight.”
One more kiss on the lips and he was out the door.
Pulling into his parking spot a short drive later, Bryce rolled his shoulders and took one more sip of coffee before turning the truck off and getting out. Here we go, he thought to himself.
He made his way up the steps and into the building where his new office was. The young recruit at the receptionist desk pointed him in the right direction, and he found his CO waiting for him outside his office.
“Sir.” He stood tall. “I didn’t keep you waiting, I hope.” He glanced at his watch; two minutes to spare.
“No, not at all. Just got in myself and wanted to be here to greet you.”
“Appreciate it, General Allen.”
“Well, let’s get started, shall we? There’s a pile of paperwork on your desk that needs updating. Contact info, personal information, all that stuff. Come find me when you’re finished; we should hit the ground running.”
“Sir, yes, sir.”
“Welcome to the team.”
“Happy to be here, sir.” Bryce returned his handshake and waited until his commander retreated to step into his own office.
It didn’t look much different than his office back home, minus the personal artifacts.
He wasted no time sitting down and getting to work on the bullshit forms that needed to be done, smiling to himself when he wrote Lacey’s name and the word ‘spouse’ next to it. This was still a new feeling for him. One that he thoroughly enjoyed.
His mind drifted to her briefly while he filled in more blanks. Hopefully, she wasn’t too bored. She was already talking about looking for a job to keep busy, even though he insisted she should at least wait until the baby was born. So far, Lacey wasn’t taking that as an answer. At least she had promised to stay home today, and wait for him before doing any exploring – though, he wasn’t sure how long that would last either. Sooner or later, she would go stir crazy and ignore him, he was sure of it. He just hoped by then, they both had a good knowledge of their surroundings and she’d be safe.
Maybe she’d befriend some of the other wives, and they could keep each other company, doing girlie shit or whatever it is women do.
Thirty minutes later, he was through with the paperwork. Stuffing it all back inside the folder, he stood and stretched before making his way to his commander’s office.
General Allen was ready for him and it didn’t take Bryce long at all to fall right into place.
I Was Made For Loving You—Tori Kelly, Ed Sheeran
“So, Tyler said he and Scott may come for a visit at the end of the summer. Around the time this little one arrives.” Lacey pointed to her still flat belly. “You ok with that?”
Bryce took another bite of his steak and nodded his head. “They’re welcome any time. We just have to put them on the visitor’s list, so they can get on and off base.” He took a drink of his water. “Missing home already?” He eyed her cautiously.
“Yes and no,” Lacey answered honestly. “It’s only been a few weeks, and there wasn’t a whole lot left there, besides Tyler and Scott. I miss seeing my best friend every day, but this has been a cool experience so far.”
“Even if you are a kept woman?” He raised a brow at her.
The man was infuriating as hell. “Yes, even if you insist on treating me like a kept woman.”
She was still on house arrest whenever Bryce was working and, a month in, she was finally starting to crack.
“We’ll go out after dinner. Do some exploring
.”
“Maybe look for places that are hiring? I saw a sign in the PX the other day when we picked up more groceries.”
“Lacey,” Bryce groaned.
“Please think about this, Bryce. Seriously. I’ve always worked and when I wasn’t working, I was doing something. I’m not one to sit around and knit all day.”
“You could join the FRG.”
“And do what, bake cookies for the troops?” Lacey batted her eyes sarcastically.
Bryce shot her a warning glare. “They do a whole lot more than that, sassy pants. They’re a vital part of every military base. Plus, you might make some new friends.”
She let out a sigh. “So, how does one go about doing this?” If it meant she got adult interaction and out of the house, it might just be worth it.
“I’ll talk to General Allen tomorrow, and get you the info. His wife is the chairwoman.”
Ok, so she hadn’t expected that...what if she made a fool out of herself? It would reflect badly on Bryce. After all, she was not much more than a barmaid. These women were probably dignified and prim and proper.
“What’s on your mind, Lacey?”
He always could read her like a book, the fucker. “Are you sure you really want me interacting with the other wives? I’m not exactly like them.”
Bryce let out a chuckle, the smug bastard.
“Lacey, when did you become so judgmental and hard on yourself? And really, go in with an open mind. Most of them are just like you. I’m sure there are a few that are pretentious bitches, but you’ll be fine.”
“Lovely. I’ll try, ok? Just because I happen to like you so much. But, you’re still taking me out after dinner.”
He smiled and laughed again. Seeing him happy was welcoming. Maybe Germany wouldn’t be so bad after all.
After they finished eating, Bryce changed into his civilian clothes and they hit the town. Milling about, up and down the little streets filled with unique shops, bundled up in heavy coats and scarves to combat the cold. Winters in Pennsylvania were nothing compared to the chill in the air here. Lacey dragged Bryce inside every shop she could for a closer look. “Ooohing” and “Ahhing” over trinkets and things she wanted to decorate their new home with.
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