I let the paper fall from my hands and watch it gently float to the ground. I lay across the couch and curl into the fetal position and cry for the first time since I left Chicago.
Chapter Thirty-One
I ended up crying myself to sleep on the couch after reading Julian’s beautiful letter. I cried because I miss him, I cried because I still love him, I cried because I want things to be the way they were. I want my perfect life back. I was happy and in love and want nothing more than to go back to that life. Why did everything have to get so fucked up along the way?
When I wake up on the couch, the room is cloaked in darkness. I didn’t have my TV or lights on when I fell asleep because the sun was still shining through the windows. I realize I’ve slept into the night and it’s now ten o’clock. I wonder if it’s too late to call Julian. He probably thinks I never want to talk to him again since I was supposed to call him after opening the package. I decide to send him a text to see if he’s still awake.
Me: Hey, are you awake?
Julian: I’ve been waiting to see if you were going to call. Of course I’m awake.
As soon as I hit the call button, I realize I have no idea what I’m going to say to him when he answers. I don’t have much time to worry about it because he answers on the first ring.
“Hello?” he says, sounding solemn.
“Hey,” I respond, my voice barely above a whisper.
“I didn’t think you were going to call.”
“Yeah, I uh, fell asleep on the couch, sorry.”
“That’s okay. I take it you’ve opened the package.”
He sounds so dejected when he says it.
“Yeah, I have. I don’t really know what to say.”
I hear him let out a long breath like he had been holding it in.
“Well, I’m glad that you called.”
After a couple of awkward minutes of silence, I decide to say something.
“Julian, that letter you wrote for me was absolutely beautiful. Thank you so much, it really touched me and warmed my heart.”
“You’re welcome, my beautiful Bella. Everything in it was only the truth. I never want you to forget what you mean to me.”
I feel the lump in my throat and the tears forming in my eyes again. I don’t want to start to cry uncontrollably on the phone, so I take a few seconds to get myself together before responding to him.
“I…Julian, I just…” I trail off because fighting the tears is too much for me. A sob escapes me and I tried to move the phone away but I don’t think I was fast enough.
“Bella, please don’t cry. I didn’t want to make you sad. I’m sorry, baby. Please don’t cry. I wish I could be there with you now to comfort you and hold you in my arms again. I miss you so much.”
Hearing his pleas only make my tears flow faster down my face. I’m a sniffling, blubbering mess.
“I miss you too, Julian,” I cry.
I hear him sigh in relief.
“Bella, I can’t live without you. I need to know if we have a chance. Please just let me know if we stand a chance at being together again,” he pleads.
Before I even realize that I’ve made a decision, I open my mouth and answer him.
“We need to be friends first. I’m not going to move back to Chicago right now. Let’s talk more on the phone. Let’s just see where this goes from friendship.”
I can almost hear him smile. I’m pretty sure he let out a small laugh.
“That works for me. It gives me a chance to sweep you off your feet again. Thank you, Bella.”
“Julian, I’m not promising anything. I just know that I miss hearing your voice every day. I miss feeling your body close to mine. I just…miss you, I miss us. I just need you to promise me one thing.”
“Anything, what is it?” he asks quickly.
“You can’t do it anymore, Julian. It’s wrong, and I know those people were disgusting people, and I don’t blame you for wanting them dead. What they did was despicable, but I can’t be with you if you continue that.”
I hold my breath and wait for his response. He may very well crush the idea of “us” again because of this. I’m just hoping that’s not the case. I feel like time stands still. He doesn’t answer right away and my heart drops to my stomach.
“Bella,” he says softly, his accent curling around my name so beautifully. “Before Cyrus, it had been several years. I don’t do this on a regular basis. I didn’t murder them viciously either. Tyler and Joseph were common street thugs. They didn’t stray too far from the drugs and alcohol and because I was able to surreptitiously make my way into their crowds, I was able to slip them some uh…potentially lethal paraphernalia. Being addicts, they took it right away and right in front of me. I made sure nobody else would get their hands on it. Obviously they didn’t know who I was, and thought I was just one of them. I would walk away and they would soon overdose. It wasn’t the only thing they had in their system; they had been taking hits all night.”
He pauses and gives me time to take it all in. When I don’t respond, he continues.
“I won’t do it again, Bella. I knew it was wrong and after Tyler and Joseph I had no intentions of doing anything like that again, and I only had to kill Cyrus because he gave me no choice. That night when I went to find Michelle, he fought me, he broke a bottle on the back of my neck and then pulled a gun on me. At that point, it was self-defense. I won’t do it again.”
“Okay,” I mutter.
“Okay,” he repeats, almost like a question.
“Yeah. Let’s talk about something else.”
“Alright. What do you have planned for Christmas? Are you doing anything special?”
“I haven’t really thought about it honestly. I have a sad little Christmas tree in my apartment. It could use some presents underneath it. I’m probably going to hang out with Meghan or something. What about you?” I ask.
“I have no plans. I didn’t even put our tree up. So your sad tree is better than what’s going on over here,” he says with a laugh.
I almost want to invite him to come visit me, but I’m afraid it may be too soon for that. I hesitate too long, trying to think of some sort of response, and he speaks up again before I can.
“Don’t worry about it, Bella. I know you’re over there trying to think of something appropriate to say. I’m fine, I’m a big boy. I can spend a holiday alone.”
“I know. I just feel bad.”
“Well don’t. I have to get going. I should probably get some sleep in before I have to go to work. I will call you tomorrow though, if that’s okay?”
“Oh, yes of course. I’ll talk to you soon. Good night, Julian.”
“Good night, Bella.”
I spend the rest of the night and early morning re-reading Julian’s letter and questioning what I’m capable of forgiving and also of letting go. You can’t possibly forgive somebody for something and continue to hold a grudge. If you aren’t able to leave the past in the past, then it will ruin your future. It will destroy what you’re trying to re-build. Can I let the past be just that? Do I feel we are worth fighting for and saving?
I decide I need to talk to Jade and see what she has to say about this. She doesn’t know why I left Julian; I only told her that he lied to me about something very important. I don’t think it’s right to let anybody know about what Julian has done. If anybody accidentally let it slip, it could cause a whole lot of trouble. I know she’ll give me her honest opinion on what I should do though, so I dial.
“Heeey!” she squeals happily into the phone.
I laugh into the phone. “Hey, yourself! What are you up to?”
“Oh not much. Just doing some laundry, it’s never ending! I don’t even know how that’s possible. I’m only one person!” she exclaims.
“Yeah, but you have enough clothes for a family of four!” I laugh.
She scoffs. “Oh, whatever! What are you doing?”
I let out a sigh and before I can even say anything
, she already seems to know something’s up.
“Uh-oh. Talk to me, lady. I’m about to grab a lime-a-rita and sit down so I can give you my full attention.”
I laugh and know that’s exactly what she’s going to do. “Well, I talked to Julian and he sent me an amazing letter and…” She interrupts me before I can finish.
“Wait, what? You gave him your address? What does this mean? What did he say?”
“Well, if you’d let me finish!” I say with a laugh.
“Right. Sorry. Continue please.”
“He wants us to try again. He says he can’t live without me and basically begged me to let him know if we still had a chance. Let me read you this letter, Jade. It’s just breathtaking.”
I read Jade the letter and she’s silent for a moment after and I’m afraid I’ve lost her.
“Hello? You there?” I ask.
I hear her sniffle a little bit before speaking. “Sorry, yes I’m here.”
“Well, what do you think?”
“Girl, I’m just gonna say this. If you don’t take that man back, you will be the biggest idiot on Earth and I don’t know if I’ll be able to be friends with you.”
“Hey! That’s not nice,” I say, playfully whining to her.
“I’m just saying, he obviously thinks the world of you. That man will love you and only you until he dies. I know you still love him and you guys were so cute and perfect together. You were like the golden couple, the couple everyone is jealous of because they wish they had what you have. You’re made for each other. Don’t be a dumb ass.”
“Well okay,” I say, laughing. “I did tell him we could start talking more and just start over.”
“Shit, don’t take too long! I know you haven’t been getting any, I’m sure you’re dying,” she says, cracking up at my expense.
“Not funny, Jade. I really am dying!” I whine.
She starts laughing even harder and I’m pretty sure she just snorted too. “Sorry, but now you know the single life isn’t all what it’s cracked up to be. Sure, you can go out and do pretty much whatever you want, whenever you want, but you still come home to a quiet, lonely house. It sucks.”
“Yeah, that’s true.”
Jade is right. Every time I’ve come home, I’ve come home to a cold, lonely place. It doesn’t feel like home to me. Sure it’s nice, and I love the area, but it doesn’t feel like a warm and welcoming place that you’d want to spend your life in. The silence becomes unbearable.
“Well, why don’t you come visit me so this house won’t be so quiet and I won’t be so lonely?” I ask. I really miss Jade and she’s been trying to make her way out here, but work has been getting in the way.
“You know I want to,” she says sadly. “I just need to talk my boss into letting me off.”
Jade works for an ad agency and her boss is a major asshole. I don’t doubt he’s giving her a hard time, but that’s because Jade is amazing at her job and I’m sure he really needs her.
“I understand,” I say, trying to hide the sadness in my voice. “Oh wait! Maybe I can go back to Chicago for a visit.” I realize that I don’t have Dante to worry about, and I wouldn’t mind seeing Julian again for a little visit now that we are on better terms.
Jade is quiet a moment before responding. “I’m sure you don’t want to leave sunny California for cold, blistery Chicago. It’s terrible over here.”
I try not to be hurt that she doesn’t seem to want to see me as much as I want to see her. I do understand what she’s saying though. I have loved the nice weather here.
“Well…yeah, I guess so. I just miss you so much. I just thought it would be nice to be together for New Year’s or something.”
“I miss you too! Don’t think I don’t want to see you, I do. I just want to get over there and get out of this place!” she exclaims. “Let me talk to my boss again, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Well girl, I gotta get going. I’ll talk to you soon,” she says.
“Okay, thanks for the talk.”
“Anytime. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
I click the end button and before I can put the phone down, it begins ringing in my hand. I look at the screen and see Lucas’s name flash across.
“Hey, you,” I say into the phone.
“Hey! Whatcha up to?” he asks.
“Not a whole lot actually. I was contemplating a trip to Chicago, but I don’t think I’ll go.”
“What? No, you can’t go to Chicago,” he says, like it was the most ridiculous idea I’ve had.
“Why not?”
“Maybe because you have someone there wanting to kill you.”
“Lucas, Julian doesn’t want to kill me,” I say tiredly.
“I wasn’t talking about him. I was talking about Dante.”
His response surprises me for two reasons. One, because he actually admitted to not thinking Julian wanted to kill me and that was a first, and secondly because I forgot he didn’t know about what happened to Dante.
“Oh, Dante is dead. He was killed when he was being questioned about his business ventures. I guess him and his people decided they weren’t going down without a fight or something.”
“How do you know this?” he asks, eagerly.
“I spoke to Julian and he told me. He also sent me a clipping of his obituary. I just found out myself. We don’t have to worry about him anymore.”
Lucas stays quiet for a little while, soaking in the information I’m sure. I wonder if he’ll want to move back to Chicago. I also wonder if he’s going to question mine and Julian’s relationship again.
“I’m glad to hear that he’s gone. I know that probably sounds terrible, but I won’t miss him. You said you wanted to visit Chicago, are you at all thinking about moving back?” he asks.
“I did want to visit because I want to see Jade and not be alone on New Year’s Eve, but she reminded me of the terribly cold weather, and I definitely don’t miss that.”
“I see. What about Julian? Do you want to see him?” he asks. There isn’t any viciousness or disgust in his voice, either.
“I do want to see him. I want to see everybody. I want to see you too, Lucas.”
“Well, maybe we can make it happen,” he says excitedly. “I just don’t know when I’ll be able to make it. Also, you realize this means I’ll need an exact address for you, right?”
“Oh, who said we were going to be meeting here? Maybe we’ll meet at your place,” I say playfully.
“I’m cool with that.”
“Yeah, well you just need to let me know when you’ll be able to get some time for yourself and we’ll plan something,” I say with my own excitement.
“I will definitely do that. And hey, Bell, you sound happier. I’m glad. That’s all I’ve wanted for you…to be happy…no matter what it is that makes you happy.”
“Thank you, Lucas,” I say softly.
“You bet. I’ll let you go for now. I’ll be in touch.”
“Sounds good. Take it easy!”
“You too.”
When I end the call, I think back to what Lucas said about me being happy and can’t help but think he was talking about Julian. In some way, I feel like he was giving me his blessing to move forward with Julian again and that puts a smile on my face. Lucas was always good at doing that.
Chapter Thirty-Two
It’s Christmas Eve and I’m sitting here on my couch wearing some red, green and white striped pants with a red shirt that has Rudolph on it. I’ve always loved wearing festive pajamas. When it’s Halloween, I wear orange and black pajamas that have pumpkins or bats on them. I’m a big holiday person. Every year, I’ve made Julian buy some ridiculous pajamas to wear with me. He made sure to grumble about it while we were shopping, but I don’t think he hated it as much as he put on. We’ve enjoyed our Christmas mornings wearing our ridiculously festive pajamas and I even bought him a Santa hat. He was the sexiest Santa whose lap I’ve sat on.
When I wake up, it’s to the ringtone of Carol of the Bells. I blindly reach for my phone and answer it without looking at the screen.
“Hello?” I answer with a scratchy voice.
“Good morning, sleepy head!” Jade screeches from the other side of the phone. “Merry Christmas!”
I make a couple grunting noises as I move around and try to clear my throat. “Merry Christmas. It’s too early. What time is it?”
“It’s never too early on Christmas!” Jade says excitedly.
“You’d think you were a kid. Why are you so excited? You do know that Santa isn’t real, right?”
“Well aren’t you being a scrooge this morning,” she says with a laugh. “I just wanted to wish my best friend a Merry Christmas. Geez.”
“Sorry, Jade. I’m still asleep I think.”
“I can tell. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye!”
She hangs up before I can respond. I drop the phone next to me and curl up so I can try to fall back asleep. I think I get about fifteen minutes before the phone is blaring again.
“Hello?” I mumble into the phone.
“Feliz Navidad, Bella.” Julian’s deep, sensual voice just flows through the phone and instantly wakes me up. I’ve always had a thing with accents but his takes the cake. I’ll never get enough of it.
“Mmm,” I moan into the phone while stretching my body.
“Did I wake you?” He asks with a slight chuckle.
“No, it’s fine. Merry Christmas.”
“Well, I just wanted to talk to you this morning and let you know that I do have some presents for you. I’m just sorry that they couldn’t have been there earlier so you could have them under your sad little tree.”
I laugh into the phone. “That’s okay. Although the presents would have made the tree less sad, it’s fine. Thank you for thinking of me. I sent you some as well, but I’m guessing they haven’t arrived yet.”
“No, I haven’t gotten any packages, but that’s okay.”
The Secrets That We Keep Page 22