Knowing You

by Maureen Child

  “That’s fan—” Carla’s words ended abruptly the moment she noticed the misery in Stevie’s eyes. She winced in sympathy, and though it must have cost her, since no Candellano was genetically capable of being quiet for too long, she clamped her lips shut and waited for the rest.

  Paul walked up and plopped down on the ground in front of their chairs. Reaching out, he slapped Carla’s knee and said, “Hi, gorgeous. Glad to have you back.”

  “Thanks,” she said, smiling, then threw a glance at Stevie.

  “Private conversation?” he asked, catching that hesitant look.

  Stevie shifted her gaze to him and thought about asking him to go away. But it would be hard to explain that to Carla. They’d been friends too long. Carla would think it weird, and she didn’t need to make anyone suspicious.

  Oh, man, she was starting to think like a James Bond movie or something. Suspicion. Spies. Sexy. Seduction.

  She pulled in a breath and exhaled sharply. “No,” she said, meeting Paul’s gaze squarely. “It’s okay. Stay. You know most of this anyway.” But she looked at Carla as she said, “I blew it.” A single tear rolled along her cheek until she impatiently brushed it away with the back of her hand.

  Paul frowned but didn’t say anything.

  “Tell me,” Carla said, and while Stevie talked, her best friend held her tight and listened.

  When she finally finished, Carla gave her a hug, then said, “Call her, Stevie.”

  “And say what?” she asked. “Sorry about worrying you? Sorry about pushing too hard, too soon, too fast?” Okay fine, Debbie hadn’t been terrified. But she had been anxious. Confused. And her big sister had been the one to shake her happy little world.

  Nice job, Stevie.

  “No.” Shaking her head, Carla shrugged. “Just tell her you love her. You want to come see her. Spend some time with her.”

  “Exactly,” Paul piped up, and Stevie’s gaze shot to him. She read support in his eyes, encouragement, and her heart lifted a little.

  Through her tears, he looked blurry, so Stevie blinked in a futile attempt to clear her vision. “You think she’ll want to see me?”

  “Of course she will,” Carla said.

  “Why wouldn’t she?” Paul demanded.

  “You sound so sure.”

  “I am,” Carla said, and, grinning, slapped one hand across Paul’s mouth so she could have her say. “You’re family. Sisters. There’s a bond there that can’t be broken. That’s blood, Stevie,” Carla said, dipping her head so she could look her friend in the eye. “There’s nothing stronger than family. Nothing I wouldn’t do for my brothers. Or for you.”

  He peeled her fingers off his mouth. “Then how about letting me talk?” Before she could say anything, he reached out and took Stevie’s hand in his and rubbed his thumb across her knuckles. “Like Carla said, it’s family. You’re Debbie’s only family, too, you know.”

  “I know,” Stevie said, and wanted to fall into Paul’s arms, feel him hold her, feel his strength surround her. But she couldn’t. Not here. Not now.

  Maybe never again.

  She felt the brush of his thumb all the way to her bones.

  Damn it, this just wasn’t fair.

  Here she was, surrounded by a loving family—a part, yet not a part of the people she loved the most. Once again, she was on the outside looking in.

  Paul’s gaze fixed on her and she read the question in his eyes. Are you okay?

  She nodded, resisting the nearly overwhelming urge to throw herself into his arms. Resisted bursting into tears because she wanted, needed, his arms around her. Here. Now. In front of God, Mama, and the rest of the family.

  Instead, she oh-so-casually withdrew her hand from his grasp. She felt the loss of his warmth as she would have a sudden loss of oxygen.

  She couldn’t have Paul. And there was now a rift between her and Carla that her friend wasn’t even aware of. She couldn’t, wouldn’t, talk to her best friend about any of this.

  If she opened her mouth about Paul, then her friend would have to choose sides. And Carla’s love for her brothers would eventually mean that Stevie would be the one left out. No. She wouldn’t risk another friendship. She had too few left.

  “And speaking of family,” Carla said thoughtfully, letting her gaze slide to where one of her brothers sat sulking in the shade of the oak tree. “What’s going on with Nick?”

  Paul stiffened, but only Stevie seemed to notice and she groaned. “Why does everyone ask me that? I don’t know.” Of course she did know. He’d been acting like a selfish, self-indulgent child. Just as he always had. But she was pretty sure Carla wouldn’t want to hear that, no matter how true it was.

  Her gaze shifting back to her friend, Carla said tentatively, “I know he was a jerk, Stevie, but you loved him once.”

  “A long time ago.”

  “Maybe it’s just the romantic haze of a honeymoon talking,” Carla said, “but are you sure it’s over? Sure you’re not interested in giving him another chance?”

  “Christ, Carla,” Paul snapped, letting go of Stevie’s hand as if he’d been burned. “When they were together, he slept with half the cheerleaders in the NFL.”

  “Gee, thanks for the stroll down humiliation lane,” Stevie said tightly. Surreptitiously she rubbed the spot on her hand where his fingers had touched. She could still feel the warmth.

  “Yeah, that was real sweet of you, Paul.”

  He snorted and leaned back. “You’re the one who thinks she should get back together with Captain Grabass.”

  “You know, Paul,” Carla snapped, giving her brother the “evil eye” look she’d picked up from their mother, “you could be a little more understanding.”

  “Understanding?” he said, straightening up and glaring at his sister. “I understand him perfectly. You’re the one who keeps looking for a silver lining in the dark cloud that is Nick, for God’s sake.”

  “All I’m saying is—”

  “Forget it,” Stevie said, making her voice loud enough to be heard over Carla and Paul, but not loud enough to carry to the rest of the party. Man, talking to the Candellanos was almost an Olympic event. Both of them turned to look at her. But she met Carla’s gaze for the simple reason that she didn’t trust herself to look into Paul’s dark brown eyes. “Carla, trust me when I say it’s over.”

  Nodding, she sat back in her chair. “Yeah, I guess I knew that. And honestly, I don’t think you should take him back.” She paused to stick her tongue out at Paul. “But I’ve gotta say, there’s a part of me that’s disappointed. For some weird reason, I always sort of thought you two would patch it up and end up together.”

  While Carla talked, Stevie’s gaze eventually shifted to Paul. It was inevitable. Like moths to flames. Like kids to peanut butter. Like chocolate sauce to sundaes.

  He glanced at Carla, as if making sure the coast was clear, and when he was sure she wasn’t watching him, he gave Stevie a smile that curled her toes and warmed places inside her that had been lonely way too long.

  Something inside Stevie turned over. Her heart ached and her eyes filled again, but this time not over Debbie. Over what-might-have-beens that had gotten lost in the mist of what was.

  * * *

  “So what do you think?” Tony asked Beth as she cuddled in close to him. Now that the party was over, mess cleaned up, and Tina asleep down the hall, he’d finally had the chance to tell his wife what he’d noticed that afternoon.

  “Hmm?” She trailed her fingertips across her husband’s bare chest.

  Tony sucked in a gulp of air and tried to ignore the flicker of heat that sizzled through him. “About Paul,” he said. “Paul and Stevie?”

  Man. Even saying those two names together sounded a little weird. It had always been Nick and Stevie. Even when he hadn’t deserved her, they’d been a couple. Hell, even after they broke up, the family still said their names as if they were one word … NickandStevie.

  Beth rose up on one elbow and
levered herself over him. Her shoulder-length auburn hair swung down in a red velvet curtain that dusted his skin and made him wonder why in the hell he was bothering with his brothers’ problems at the moment.

  “I don’t know,” she said, and this time slid the flat of her palm across his chest, threading her fingers through the dusting of dark curls. “It might not be the best thing for Nick.”

  “Maybe it’s time something happened that wasn’t best for Nick,” he grumbled, despite the fact that she’d dropped her head to kiss the base of his throat.

  Her breath dusted across his skin. “He’s pretty fragile right now, Tony.”

  “Then he’d better toughen up.” Family loyalty was one thing. But he wasn’t going to help Nick be an ass.

  She raised her head and looked down at him. “And you’ll toughen him up by having his ex-girlfriend be with his twin? That’s cold.”

  “I’m not saying that’s what’s happening,” Tony back-stepped just a little, since Beth’s eyes were starting to heat up. “All I said was, Paul and Stevie were acting a little strange today.”

  “And from this you build a romance.”

  He wiggled his eyebrows at her. “Hey, I’m a romantic guy.”

  Beth rolled on top of him, straddled him, and sat straight up. Pulling her long turquoise nightgown off over her head, she arched her back. When his hands covered her breasts, she smiled down at him and said, “Romantic, huh? Prove it.”

  * * *

  “Are you okay?” Paul asked when Stevie answered her phone.

  “Not great,” she said, “but better.”

  “Good.” Damn it, this shouldn’t be so hard. He should be able to talk to her easily. He’d known her most of his life. And yet, today at the party, he’d avoided her like the plague. Except for those few minutes when he’d intruded on her and Carla. Hell. It was a wonder she was willing to talk to him at all.

  “Look, Stevie,” he said, gripping the phone receiver so tightly, he was half-surprised it didn’t snap in two. “About today—”

  “Don’t, Paul.”

  “Don’t what?”

  “Apologize.”

  He sighed and shook his head. Saying he was sorry was all he had left. Hell, at the party, it had about killed him to keep from holding her when she’d poured her heart out over Debbie. He’d wanted to hug her, soothe her, assure her that everything would work out.

  Because if he’d held her, he wouldn’t have been able to stop. He’d have had to kiss her, taste her, rediscover the wonder that was Stevie. And that would have set off a chain reaction throughout his family that he didn’t think either of them was ready for.

  “Fine. I won’t. But I think you’re the first woman I’ve ever known who told a man not to apologize.”

  “I’m unique.” This time there was a trace of a smile in her voice, and it helped him to hear it.

  “You are that,” he agreed. Hell, he’d known for years that there was nobody like Stevie. No other person he’d ever met had the heart she had. “You looked beautiful today,” he whispered, and walked to the wide front window, where he could stare out into the darkness and pretend he was looking at her.

  “Don’t say that, either.”

  “Stevie—”

  She sighed heavily and he swore he could feel her misery. “Paul, let’s just leave it where it is.”

  “And where’s that?”

  She laughed, but he didn’t hear even the slightest tinge of humor. He slapped one hand on the wall beside the window and leaned in, unconsciously doing one-armed push-ups to get rid of some of the wild energy pulsing inside him.

  “Where?” she repeated, fatigue in her voice. “Halfway between heaven and hell. It could go either way.”

  Paul closed his eyes briefly and fisted his hand against the wall. “Damn it, Stevie—”

  “’Bye, Paul.”

  A dial tone hummed in his ear until he punched the END button.

  Outside, the wind off the ocean whipped the trees into a frenzied dance, limbs bobbing, leaves tearing free to twist in the swirling air. Clouds rushed across the sky, obliterating the stars, darkening the whole world as if in sympathy with the shadows inside him.

  He felt her absence like an open wound. How could she have become such a part of him so quickly? How had she gone from friend to the sound of his own heartbeat in a few short weeks?

  And what the hell was he going to do about it?

  * * *

  Carla was right, Stevie thought two days later as she ran along behind Debbie. The younger girl’s grip on Stevie’s hand was warm and tight, and Debbie’s laughter floated back to her on a brisk, cold wind.

  It felt as though they’d been running for hours. They’d already been to the park, up and down Cannery Row, and for a long walk along the shore. Debbie had more energy than three people. And she wanted to show her big sister all over Monterey. No way was Stevie going to spoil the fun by telling her that she’d been to Monterey hundreds of times.

  Besides, seeing everything with Debbie made it all seem new anyway.

  “Come on,” Debbie said, tugging hard again. “Over here is the jellyfish place and it’s really pretty.”

  “Run ahead,” Stevie told her, laughing. “I’ll catch up.”

  “’Kay!” With that, she dropped Stevie’s hand, turned into the wind, and ran toward the next exhibit at the Monterey Aquarium.

  The fall weather had thinned out the tourist crowds quite a bit, but the locals were still strolling around the area. The touch pool, the penguins, and the octopus were big crowd pleasers. The otters, Mae and Goldie, all sleek brown fur and silly smiles, were cute enough to keep visitors there forever. The little guys stared up at the people looking at them, and just for a second, Stevie had to wonder just who was watching whom.

  But Debbie didn’t let Stevie stay in any one place long enough to really look at it. The younger girl was so excited to show Stevie the place where she worked, she could hardly stand still.

  A cold wind rushed in off the ocean, fluttering colorful flags atop the buildings and balloons tied to the wrists of laughing children. Stevie zipped up her sweatshirt and tugged the collar up higher around her neck.

  “Stevie!”

  She picked up her speed and smiled to herself at Debbie’s excited shout. Her little sister had forgotten all about the tears and near hysterics that had ended Stevie’s last visit. And Stevie was grateful. If she couldn’t have Debbie living with her, then she at least wanted this closeness.

  “See?” Debbie shouted as she came closer. “See? See? This is the jellyfishes. There’s lots of ’em and they’re all floating and swimming. And everybody likes ’em best, but my favorite’s the otter and sometimes I get to feed ’em, too, if I’m careful.”

  Stevie grinned at the flow of information. Her heart swelled with love for this girl, for the charm and the warmth and the pure joy of her. Then Stevie noticed the woman just behind Debbie and how she was staring at the girl with pity in her eyes.

  And just like that, a small curl of shadows crept into the day. Stevie had to fight the urge to snap at the woman. Her protective instincts were on overdrive. It wasn’t the first time it had happened. Stevie’d caught the sympathetic glances from adults and the snickering from children. But Debbie never seemed to notice. Or if she did, she didn’t care. She was simply oblivious to anything that distracted her from her own happiness.

  So maybe, Stevie thought, she could learn something from her little sister.

  “Look,” Debbie was saying, demanding her sister’s attention as she pulled her into the exhibition. “See? Isn’t it pretty?”

  Stevie stepped inside, stopped dead, and looked at the wall of glass in front of her. Inside the tank, hundreds, maybe thousands of jellyfish danced in the clear blue water, looking like ghosts streaming across a summer sky. They moved with a slow, undulating rhythm that was nearly hypnotic.

  “Pretty.” Debbie rested her head on Stevie’s shoulder.

  “Beautif
ul,” Stevie said, reaching up to stroke her sister’s cheek.

  * * *

  Alone again in her hotel room, flushed with love for the sister who’d been hidden from her for years, Stevie tried one more time to contact her mother. She’d dialed the number so many times over the last week, she knew it by heart. Punching the buttons with one stabbing finger, she waited for the connection to go through, then drummed her fingernails on the hotel tabletop while she listened to the phone ring.

  This time, when the snooty butler answered, he put her through immediately to her mother.

  “Stephanie?” Joanna’s smooth, silky voice carried over the phone line, and Stevie noticed her mother had picked up a British accent.

  “Mother, why didn’t you tell me about Debbie?”

  “Debbie who?”

  A tight groan slid from her throat. “Debbie your daughter. My sister.”

  “Oh, bloody hell. Deborah.”

  “How could you do it, Mother? How could you just throw her away?”

  “Don’t be so dramatic, Stephanie. For heaven’s sake, there’s no reason for melodrama.” Impatience came through the line, loud and clear.

  But Stevie wouldn’t be put off or calmed down. She’d just spent the day with a wonderful kid. A kid whose own mother had handed her off to strangers. Pacing around the generically decorated hotel room, Stevie started talking again, pushing words past clenched teeth.

  “Why didn’t you tell me about her?”

  “What would be the point?”

  “Because she’s my family.”

  “Really, Stephanie. The child is retarded.”

  “And that makes her what?” Stevie damn near shouted. “Expendable? Useless? Less than acceptable?”

  “Really, Stephanie, there’s no reason to be insulting.”

  “You’re insulted? Oh my God.”

  “You’re being melodramatic again.”

  “Mother, the ‘child’ is all grown-up now. Have you ever once even visited her?”

  “Why would I?” Joanna asked. “The child’s father arranged for a trust fund. She’s been well taken care of and will be for the rest of her life.”

  “And that’s all?” Stevie stopped in front of the window looking out over the bay. Fishing boats squatted out on the dark ocean and lamplight shimmered around them, making golden silhouettes on the black surface of the water. On Fisherman’s Wharf, lights twinkled, and along the beach walk, couples strolled under the street lamps.