“I’m sorry that you had to give that up.”
“I am too.”
“Maybe it can still happen for you.”
“How?”
“We can figure it out somehow. Maybe not tomorrow but in a year or two.”
“Maybe,” I say with little conviction in my voice. I know it will never happen now and I wouldn’t change that. I sacrificed this for the chance to raise Lily and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. Maybe I can go to a community college once Lily gets older. “Should we be heading back home soon?” I ask, effectively shutting down the topic.
“Yeah, we should go get Lily. I miss her.”
“You do?”
“Of course.”
“How did I ever get so lucky? How did this even happen? I ran away thinking it would just be Lily and me forever and I was okay with that as long as I got to be with her but you… this… not even in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined finding someone like you.”
“I know you think it’s all going to go away but it’s not. I promise you that I’m not going anywhere. I love you, both of you.”
I hold onto his words like a life preserver, keeping me afloat when just the thought of losing him causes waves of sadness and fear to crash over me.
The ride home is quick and Logan’s parents were running errands most of the morning and since they were already out they’re waiting for us at the house when we arrive. When I finally have Lily back in my arms I’m ecstatic. It’s amazing to have Logan’s family around to watch her. Every once and a while I need a break and I know I wouldn’t get that without them, but I really miss her when she’s gone. Logan lets me have my bonding moment with her and then snatches her away from me. Her face lights up at the sight of him could he be a father figure to Lily, could he really play that role in her life and would he even want to. What if we break up? How will that affect her? I try not to let these questions dampen my good mood, but fear is a hard emotion to let go of and as much as I love Logan, there’s still a small part of me that wonders if he knows what he’s getting into, if he’s really in it for the long haul.
His parents stay for lunch and by the time they leave I’m feeling a little run down. My head is achy, my eyes feel heavy and my body is tired. I sit bundled into a ball on the couch, while Lily lies on the floor kicking at the play gym that Logan bought her last week.
“Babe, you want coffee?” Logan calls from inside the kitchen.
“No thanks!” I call back, lacking the energy to say much more than that. I hear his footsteps but don’t bother looking up.
“Since when don’t you want coffee?” He stops in front of the couch and crouches down in front of me. “What’s wrong?” He inquires, the worry evident in his tone.
I attempt a smile and shake my head. “Nothing, I’m just a little tired is all.”
He places the palm of his hand on my forehead and then circles it to the nape of my neck. “You have a fever.”
“What? No.”
“Yes,” he says, scrunching his nose at me. “Why don’t you go upstairs and lie down for a bit. I’ll bring you some aspirin.”
“Maybe when Lily takes her nap. I just fed her so she should be tiring out soon.”
“I’ve got Lily. You go.” He orders.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m positive. Go.”
“Okay.” I make my way upstairs to our bedroom, change into a pair of sweats and ungracefully throw myself onto the bed. Logan comes up a few minutes later with aspirin and a bottled water. I’m shivering cold so he tucks me under the comforter to warm me up. It doesn’t take me long to fall asleep.
The room is completely dark when I wake up. I look over at the clock on the nightstand and I’m shocked by how late it is. Immediately my thoughts go to Lily, she hasn’t been fed in hours. I throw the covers off of me and stand up. My limbs are sore, it hurts to walk, and I can tell that the fever is back.
I open the door and step into the hallway. I’m about to head downstairs when the sound of running water registers in my head. I turn towards the direction of the bathroom that connects to Lily’s room. I can hear Logan’s voice, but it’s too low for me to hear what he’s saying.
I tiptoe to the doorway, lean forward, and when I peek into the bathroom, I see Lily perched in her baby bath and pumping her feet.
When the water splashes, Logan wipes his face and chuckles. “Alright little stinker, this is your bath not mine,” he says to her with a smile on his face. He shuts the water off and grabs her towel, laying it out on his lap until it’s completely open. He plucks Lily out of her little tub, rests her on his lap, and gently swaddles her in the towel.
He takes Lily into her room and lays her down on the changing table. Then he puts her diaper on with no hesitation, making sure that it’s secure and in place. He squirts baby lotion on his hands and gently works it into her skin. Finally, he pulls a warm pajama from her drawer and gets her dressed. All the while having playful one-sided conversations with her.
“I know you’re standing there, Mia. You can stop snooping.”
I let out a giggle. “I’m not snooping, you’re just so good with her. It’s adorable.”
“Are you feeling any better?” He looks up at me, eyes dancing over my body as if he’s looking for signs of life.
“I still have a fever I think.”
He picks Lily up one last time before placing a kiss on her head and putting her down in her crib. “Go back to bed. I’ll bring you more aspirin and some tea.”
“I need to feed her.”
“I already did.”
I tilt my head in question. “You already fed her?”
“Yeah.”
“What did you feed her?” I look at him like he’s lost his mind. I’m almost scared to hear his answer.
He strides across the room and stops when he’s just inches away from me. His face shows a hint of humor as he grins down at me. “One of the many packets of breast milk you have stored in the back of my freezer.”
I gasp and cover my eyes, pretty sure I’ve turned several shades of red at this point. “You knew that was there?”
“Kinda hard to miss babe.”
“Do you think it’s gross?” I ask, peeking through my fingers.
He pulls my hands off of my face and shakes his head. “No. I think it’s life. I think that you’re an incredible mom and you don’t have to hide it in the back of the freezer. I already know it’s there.”
I say nothing, just rest my head on his chest and circle my arms around his waist.
He holds me for a moment, swaying me back and forth gently. “Let’s get you to bed.” He tucks me into his side and walks me back across the hall. Then he helps me into bed and promises to come back with some aspirin.
I lie here, my mind running a mile a minute. I’ve seen glimpses of Logan bonding with Lily in the past, but seeing him with her now just melted me. I feel my eyes pooling with unshed tears. It’s not that I’m unhappy, just sad that Lily was born into this situation. That she couldn’t have a mother and father who loved and wanted her from the start. Instead she got someone like me who knew nothing about being a parent, except for that I wanted to be nothing like mine. She got me, taking her on the run as soon as we got out of the hospital, going from town to town hiding out in hotel rooms until we finally made it here.
What kind of start is that to her life? I push those thoughts out of my mind reminding myself that this was the only choice, the only way for Lily and me to stay together. I did the best thing that I could for our little family and finding Logan was just an amazing bonus. Whether he sticks around or not will be entirely up to him.
“You alright?” Logan asks, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
“Yes. I was just thinking about how far Lily and I have come. I worry, you know? I worry that I’m doing damage to her, that I’m not giving her what she needs.”
“That’s crazy. Could she have had a good life with adoptive parents? Yes
, Mia she could have and she might have been happy but you’re her mom. You wanted the chance to raise her, you deserved that chance and babe you’re doing an amazing job. She’s happy, she’s loved and she’s well taken care of. What more could she want?”
Two parents who love her…
I want to say it but I don’t. I don’t because it’s really not his problem and I really don’t want him to think that Sarah was right. That I’m with him just so that he can take the place of Lily’s dad because that’s not true.
“You’re right,” I say with a small smile. “I just doubt myself sometimes.”
“Well don’t. Don’t ever doubt yourself.” He kisses my forehead and hands me more aspirin. He takes the bottled water from me when I’ve finished drinking and hands me a bowl of soup. “Eat up. You need to have something in your stomach.”
I do as he asks, not realizing how hungry I was until I’ve eaten some of the warm soup. It feels strange having someone to look out for me this way.
When I was younger and sick, I’d had to fend for myself. I could barely get my mom to take me to the doctor, let alone take care of me. I’d see the relationship that my friends had with their parents and wish that I had the same thing, but my parents were more concerned with money and financial status. I honestly think that they had me so that they would look like they had the perfect family.
It was all about appearances to them, which is why I’ll do whatever it takes to ensure that Lily’s upbringing is different. I want her childhood to be better than mine and I’ll make sure that it happens with or without Logan.
Logan has the late shift again tonight. I find that these are the times when his job is the hardest for me to accept. When he’s gone long into the early hours of the morning, my mind runs wild wondering what he’s out there doing. I try my hardest to get sleep in between Lily’s feedings but it’s difficult and I imagine that it never gets any easier.
I let out a sigh of relief when I hear the front door open and close; he’s home and I know that he’s safe. I see the light from the master bathroom flicker and figure that he must have accessed it from the hallway. He normally comes in to say hello to me before he showers but tonight he doesn’t. I toy with the idea of going in there to make sure he’s okay but I think better of it. I push the worry out of my head and wait, wait for him to come to me. To tell me if something is wrong, even though deep down I feel that something is definitely off.
A few minutes later, Logan enters our bedroom wearing just a towel. He bypasses the dresser where he keeps his boxer briefs and heads straight for the bed, straight for me. He pulls the sheets back, tosses the towel to the ground and climbs into bed. His head lands on my chest and my hands instinctively reach out for him.
I gently massage the top of his head. I don’t know why his behavior scares me, but it’s not a fear of him hurting me, it’s more a fear of him being hurt.
“Logan?” I whisper softly. I don’t need to say anything else, he can hear the question in my voice.
He angles his head so that he can look at me. When our eyes meet I can see the sadness dancing in his.
“Tim was shot tonight,” he says.
“Tim?”
“My partner.”
I let out a gasp. “Officer Clark?”
He says nothing, just nods.
I wrap my arms around him and hug him tightly. My heart breaks for him because it’s clear to see that he’s struggling with this. “Oh my God, Logan. Is he alright?”
He shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know...He was hurt pretty badly and he’s in stable condition now, but we just have to wait and see.” I can hear the defeat in his voice, the sadness and the fear. It’s overwhelming and I want to protect him, shelter him from the pain but I know it’s not possible.
“What happened?”
“A robbery at a convenience store. The owner tripped the alarm behind the cash register, and we were the first unit at the scene. We got there just as the robber was trying to get away. Tim approached first and the guy took a shot, didn’t even think twice about it. Hit him right in the chest. He didn’t get away though. I fired my weapon, shot him in the arm.”
“Babe, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
“What you’re doing is great. It’s perfect. This is exactly what I need.”
He lies there for a while, resting in my arms, his breath starts to even out and I think he’s finally fallen asleep but his soft voice breaks through the silence.
“I just don’t know if I can lose somebody else.”
I go on alert, unsure of what he’s saying exactly. “What do you mean? Who have you lost?”
He pushes off of me and falls back onto his pillow then covers his face with his arm. “No one, I just…”
I pull his arm away from his face. “Do you trust me?” He looks at me with sad eyes and strokes my cheek. “Trust me, you can tell me.”
He takes another moment but finally answers. “Amy.”
“Who is Amy?”
He takes a deep breath and gives me a sad smile. “Amy was my older sister. She died when I was eighteen.”
I’m stunned by this revelation, Other than Mandy and Chris, I had no idea that he had any other siblings.
“I’m sorry, I…”
“It’s okay. It happened a long time ago.”
I nod my head slowly, knowing that he’s experienced something traumatizing tonight and that I need to proceed carefully. I don’t want him to shut down on me now. “Will you tell me about her?”
“She was twenty one when she got pregnant by some loser that she met at a party one night. They dated on and off for a while and the family never approved of him, but when she turned up pregnant they decided to move in together. No one was happy about it, but we supported her for the sake of the baby. To this day I’m not exactly sure what was going on between them but I remember that she would come back home and cry to my mom a lot. She was really stressed out. So stressed that she went into labor two months early.
I stroke his cheek much like the way he does to me. “What happened?”
“The baby was stillborn.”
“Oh my God.”
“Amy was devastated. She never recovered from that loss—she spiraled into depression, stopped talking to everyone, stopped going out and taking our phone calls. Occasionally though, I’d stop by her apartment and she’d let me in. I’d try to get her to talk to me, tell me how she was dealing, what was going on with her. Tried to get her to go see someone, a counselor, anyone, but she’d tell me that she was doing okay. This one time she told me that she had been battling insomnia, but her boyfriend had been giving her sleeping pills and that helped.”
“Go on.” I urge softly.
“It didn’t take long for her to become dependent, Mia. It happened so fast, right under everyone’s nose, and before long she had a full blown addiction. By the time we realized it, it was way beyond prescription meds.”
“Wow.” I’m sure I must sound like an idiot, but I honestly don’t know what to say. I just feel so sad and I’m holding my tears back.
“It went on for the next few years. Every time I’d see her, she looked worse and worse but I kept trying: Once a week I’d drop by after school and just spend time with her. I’d try to get her to come home. I’d talk to her about rehab, but she’d just get angry and kick me out.”
“I’m so sorry baby.”
He nods in acknowledgment and continues the story. “I don’t have to tell you what her fate was. One Friday afternoon, a few weeks before my high school graduation, I went to her apartment like I always did. Only this time she didn’t open the door.”
“Logan.” I wince, dreading this part, not sure if I want to hear the rest.
“After standing there for God knows how long, calling out for her and knocking on the door, I tried the doorknob. Sure enough, it was unlocked. You know, I think about it all the time, Mia: Why didn’t I try the doorknob earlier? Why did I wait so long to do t
hat? What if I had gotten in the apartment early enough? What if I could have saved her?”
“No… Baby no. You couldn’t save her. You did the best you could for her, you were there for her and that’s all that matters.”
“I wanted so desperately to help her, to save her. To bring her back to us but she was just too far gone. I didn’t know how, no one did. Nothing worked.”
“It was no one’s fault. She had an addiction, she was sick,” I say, hoping that my words are sinking in.
“It was after that that I decided to become a cop. To get people like her scumbag boyfriend off the streets and to help people like Amy. I figured if I could save just one person, just one, then maybe her death wouldn’t be in vain.
Is that why he was so drawn to me, so invested in my well being and safety? It hurts to think about and he’s been through enough tonight but still I have to know. I need to hear it.
“Logan? Is that why you helped me? Are you trying to save me because you couldn’t save her?”
“No,” he says, shaking his head.
“I’m not her… I’m not Amy,” I say with a little bit more force than I intend.
“Hey… I know that. You’re so much braver than she was, you’re everything that she couldn’t be. You’re much stronger than she was. I know you’re not her. I do. I know you’re different, but maybe subconsciously she is the reason that I felt so compelled to help you. I’m sorry, Mia. This sounds so fucked up,” he says, pulling himself up to a sitting position.
“It’s okay,” I say, sitting up next to him. “I’m not mad, I get it. I understand why you would see similarities.”
“I couldn’t get my mind off of you after that first time I met you. It wasn’t just that I was concerned for you though, I…I thought you were beautiful.”
I’m grateful for the cloak that the darkness that the room provides right now. I don’t want him to see the flush in my cheeks.
“But there was that part of me that thought what if…”
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